Tainted (11 page)

I’d been staring at the carpet, but my head snapped up at his words. “You think I tried to kill myself?”

“If you did, there’s no need to feel ashamed. You haven’t had the best of luck these past few months. Combining that with cocaine could lead to suicidal thoughts.”

I held up my hand. “Let’s just stop right there. I would not kill myself, no matter how bad things got. Am I depressed? Sure. But that doesn’t mean I’m going to go off myself.”

“That’s good to hear. Don’t take offense to my questions. I’m simply trying to get to know you better.”

“None taken.”

He nodded. “Good. So, anyway, back on the matter at hand. While in the hospital, you agreed to go into this program. Why?”

“I didn’t have any other options. If I didn’t do this, then the band and the label said they would drop me. I was forced to be here.”

“No one can force you to do anything, Drake. You need to make the decision on your own, or nothing I do will benefit you. I can sit here and preach to you all day, but until you realize that you need help, nothing I say will matter.”

“I don’t need help. I’ve been clean for over a week. I told them that I could do this on my own, but they refused to listen.”

“Being clean and staying clean are two totally different things. While you might feel like you can handle your addiction now, what will you do when things get tough? Cocaine was your coping mechanism, and you will feel the need to use it again. What I’m here for is to help you come to terms with your addiction and to help you learn to deal with things in a healthier way.”

I nodded, unsure of what to say. I understood where he was coming from, but I didn’t think that I would relapse. The hell that I had just gone through in the hospital was enough to scare me away from it for a long time.

But what if he was right? What if I contacted Chloe, and she didn’t want anything to do with me even if I was clean? I didn’t know if I could handle that. Life was always so fucking hard, and I’d refused to deal with it. I always found a way to make me forget—drugs, women, and finally Chloe. I didn’t accept anything. I evaded.

“I think we’ve chatted enough for one day. I will have one of the nurses take you to your room, so you can get settled in. I want to meet with you tomorrow to start our sessions. Does that sound good to you?” Dr. Peters asked as he smiled at me.

“Do I have a choice?” I asked, sarcasm filling my voice.

He smiled. “You always have a choice, Drake.”

After a nurse took me to my room, I spent the rest of the evening unpacking the bag Jade had left for me at the front desk. It had pissed me off that I hadn’t been allowed to bring it to my room myself, but of course, the nurses had to search it before I could have it back. The band had known that I had hidden cocaine in my hotel room previously, and they had refused to let me pack my belongings by myself just in case I had more hidden, so they’d done it for me. I’d felt highly annoyed with them, but I’d let it go. It had been one of those pick-your-battles kind of moments.

The nurse had taken my cell phone with her when she left, much to my annoyance. According to her, it was a policy to take all cell phones from patients when they entered the program. She said something about not letting the outside world affect me while I was in the process of getting better. It might be policy, but that didn’t mean I was happy about it.

I hated that I felt truly here, but I was more concerned about the fact that I couldn’t contact Chloe. Even though I hadn’t contacted her in months, I still had her number in my cell. There had been so many times when I’d picked it up to call her, only to throw the phone. Now, it felt like any connection I had with her, no matter how small, was gone. I wished that she were here. I always felt like a loose cannon when she wasn’t around. There was just something about her that always calmed me.

The nurse had given me a sheet of paper that listed all the center’s rules. I quickly read through it. Most of them were simple—no drugs, no fighting, and other things like that. The only positive part of the entire day was that I was allowed to smoke, and I headed outside to do just that. If they’d also taken smoking away from me, I wasn’t sure I would last in here. I couldn’t give up all my nasty habits at once.

Everything around here was on a schedule. Along with specific times for meals and recreational activities, I had a specific time that I would meet with Dr. Peters each day. I was surprised that I wasn’t given a bathroom schedule, too. Due to my connection with the label, Brad exerted a lot of pressure, and I was excused from group therapy sessions. The label didn’t want it getting out to the press and our fans that I was in here. It would be bad for business.

I headed back inside and returned to my room. After settling in for the night, I tossed and turned for over an hour before I finally passed out.

“It’s good to see you again, Drake. Please close the door behind you and have a seat,” Dr. Peters said.

I stepped inside his office and did as he’d said. I sat down in the chair across from him.

“I hope your first night here was pleasant.”

“It was fine. Thank you.” In all honesty, I had expected to hear people screaming throughout the night, like I had seen in movies, but the place had been completely silent. Maybe they really didn’t torture people to death in here.

“Glad to hear it. Now, let’s get down to business.”

Or maybe they did
torture us.

“Sure. Why not?”

He smiled at me. “I promise you that this will be a lot easier if you cooperate with me. Instead of thinking of this as a punishment, consider it a surprise vacation. Maybe that will help you to accept it better.”

“Bring on the drinks and the beach,” I grumbled.

I was extra cranky this morning, and unfortunately for Dr. Peters, he was getting the shit end of the deal. I didn’t want to be here, and I had no intentions of spilling my guts like I had yesterday.

“That’s the spirit!” He laughed. Apparently, he wasn’t familiar with sarcasm. “Yesterday, we skimmed over the last few months. Today, I want to go back a bit further. We mentioned a prior drug issue, and I’d like to go over it.”

Great. I would be spending the day talking about my dead parents and my stupidity during my high school years. Just throw me off the damn building, and put me out of my misery.

“Yippee.”

“I know this is hard for you, Drake, but you need to open up to me, so we can figure out why you keep turning to drugs. Can you tell me why you started using them when you were younger?” Dr. Peters asked.

“I was just a kid and bored most of the time. My friends did them, so I did, too. I’m just a good example of peer pressure.”

“I guess so. Can you tell me about your home life back then? Did you fight with your parents a lot?”

“Nope. My parents died when I was ten, so I lived with my uncle.”

“I’m sorry to hear that, Drake. I didn’t see that in your file. I know it’s hard to deal with losing a parent, especially both. What happened to them?”

“Some asshole was drunk and hit them.”

“I see. I’m sure it was a terrible time for both you and your uncle.”

“It was for me. I’m not sure how he felt. He was in the military, so he worked a lot. We never really talked about their deaths. He took me in, but he left me alone to do my own thing.”

“How long has it been since you’ve spoken with your uncle?”

I shrugged. “It’s been a while. I think it was a few months before Chloe and I got together. He’s currently deployed again.”

“So, it’s safe to say that you’re not close with your uncle?”

“I guess. I mean, I like him and all, but we never really clicked. I owe him a lot though. He took me in when I had no one else, and he forced me into rehab last time.”

“It sounds like he cares a lot about you, but he just doesn’t show it that often. Did that ever bother you?”

“Not really. He could never replace my parents, and I never expected him to. I’ve been on my own for most of my life, and I like it that way.”

Dr. Peters nodded. “I see.”

We sat in silence, both of us staring at each other. I wasn’t sure if he was waiting for me to continue telling him about my childhood or what. If he was, he was out of luck. I thought I was going to explode from the silence in the room.

Then, he finally spoke. “Tell me about your drug habits as a teenager.”

“Why does it matter? It was a long time ago.” I was suddenly annoyed with him.

“I’m just trying to get a better feel for you, Drake. While the past is the past, it often affects our decisions later on in life.”

I started to roll my eyes, but I caught myself at the last minute. “There isn’t much to tell. I was left at home, unsupervised a lot, and I started smoking weed with my friends. When we were old enough to go to the cool parties, I began using any drugs that were available to me. I mainly took pills, but I used acid and cocaine from time to time.”

“And how did you handle rehab when your uncle forced you into going?” he asked as he wrote something in my chart.

“Like any sixteen-year-old would. I was pissed, and I fought it for a while. When I finally managed to straighten up, they released me.”

“So, you’ve always been stubborn?” He grinned at me.

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Yeah, I guess so.”

“It’s not a bad thing to be stubborn, you know. It just means you know what you want out of life.”

“I guess so. I never really thought about it like that. When people tell me I’m stubborn, it’s usually intended as an insult.”

“That was not how I intended for it to be interpreted. Anyway, how did you handle things after you were released from rehab?”

“I was okay. I met up with Jade and the guys right after, and we started our band, Breaking the Hunger. I used it as a distraction when things sucked in my life. Plus, I was sixteen and in a band. Do you have any idea how many girls there were to distract me? I mean, come on, it’s every sixteen-year-old boy’s fantasy to have older girls throwing themselves at you!”

He laughed. “I’m sure it was quite entertaining for you and I’m also sure you had several girlfriends during that time.”

“No way. There was no way I was going to tie myself to one girl when I could have them all.”

Wow, I sounded like a complete douche canoe, but it was true. I’d spent the last few years with more women than I could count. It wasn’t my fault they were all sluts and threw themselves at me.

He raised an eyebrow at my statement. “Exactly how often were you with different women, Drake?”

“Once the band started getting popular, I was usually with a different one every night.”

“That’s quite a lot. Did it ever bother you that you slept with so many different women?”

“Not really. I guess I used them instead of drugs. If I was pissed off or down, I’d just take one of them back to my uncle’s house. The band lied and told the bars that I was eighteen, so we could play in them. I don’t think any of the women realized just how young I was. They might have felt bad if they did, but I doubt it. Women like that are only after one thing, and I was glad to help them.”

Yeah, I was definitely getting the asshole-of-the-year award after this conversation. Sure, after I got with Chloe, I’d regretted sleeping with so many women, but I’d never thought about how screwed-up I was to do it.

“Wow, I’m an asshole, aren’t I?” I asked.

“I don’t think you’re an asshole per se. I think you just used those women to deal with things. How long did this go on for?”

“Until a few months before Chloe and I got together. After I realized how I felt about her, I still slept with various women for a while. I knew it was wrong, but I couldn’t seem to stop. Then, I was watching Chloe in class one day, and I realized I could do a hell of a lot better. She saw the good in me even though I couldn’t see it in myself. I love her so much.”

“And she left you when she discovered your habit?” he asked.

“Yeah, she said she couldn’t be around someone like me again. Her mother was always high, and she had abused Chloe throughout her entire life. I guess she was afraid that I’d do the same thing.”

“And would you?”

“Of course not! I love her! I would never hit her!”