Tainted (12 page)

“There are different kinds of abuse, Drake. It’s not just physical. There are mental aspects as well.”

“I admit that I got angry a lot, but I don’t think I abused her in any way. She left before things turned bad.”

“You said that you still love her. Do you think there is hope for the two of you?”

That was the million-dollar question. I was hoping that she would take me back, but there were no guarantees. She might have moved on by now anyway.

“I don’t know. I hope so though. I fucked up the only relationship I ever cared about. I feel like I can’t breathe without her around.”

“I’m simply making an observation here, but I think that you are the type of person who requires a coping mechanism at all times. First, you used drugs, then women, then Chloe, and finally, you went back to drugs. Why do you think that is?”

“The drugs and women served as a distraction, but Chloe was different. She made me feel things I didn’t think I could ever feel. She made me feel like I was alive for the first time in my life.”

“I think we’ve figured out where things went wrong with you. You never deal with any of your problems. You simply push them to the side and use drugs and sex to distract yourself. If we can teach you how to face things head-on, I think you will be able to go through life without the fear of a relapse.”

I grinned. “You’ve already figured me out, doc…and with only two sessions. I’m impressed. If you keep it up, I’ll be out of here by next week.”

He laughed. “I wouldn’t go that far. We have a lot of work to do, but I have faith in you. You can beat this.” He glanced down at his watch. “I think that’s enough for one day. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

I stood up before he even finished speaking. “Works for me.”

“I want you to think about what we discussed today. Remember, you are in control of how long this process takes. The sooner you can come to terms with everything, the faster you will be out of here.”

During the rest of the week, our sessions were much like the first one. We would always go over everything from the session before, and then we’d move on to new topics. I had to admit that Dr. Peters seemed to know what he was doing. Every time I walked into his office, my need to hold back faded. As much as I hated to admit it, talking to him helped me, and I was learning a lot about myself.

I wouldn’t deal with my problems. Instead, I’d run away. At the first sign of trouble, I’d run to the nearest distraction, and I’d hide until the storm passed. This last time though, I’d used cocaine when I felt the storm coming back. Without it in my system, I was forced to deal with my actions over the last few months. There were things that I regretted so much—especially my jealously with Chloe and Jordan’s friendship and my anger toward her. She didn’t deserve the way I had treated her.

My first visitation was on Sunday. Jade, Eric, and Adam came, just like they had said they would. It felt strange at first. We weren’t sure what to say to each other. But after a few minutes of forced conversation, I finally opened my mouth and apologized for being such a dick for so long. After that, some of the tension eased, and it seemed like old times, like we were back in West Virginia, talking and joking in my kitchen or at the bar. When it was time to go, Jade hugged me tightly. “I’m so proud of you. I can already see such a big change in you already.”

Over the next few weeks, I learned to deal with my demons. Dr. Peters started at the very beginning with the deaths of my parents. I realized that I’d never really accepted their deaths even though I thought that I had long ago. During that session, I broke down and cried for the first time in years. I missed them so damn much. How was it fair that they had been taken from me when I was only fucking ten years old? What had I ever done to deserve that?

When I asked Dr. Peters that, he frowned. “No one ever deserves something like that. This world is a hard place to live in, and you were forced to learn that at an early age. No one blames you for feeling angry or betrayed. Anyone in your position would feel the same way.”

“Will I ever really be able to move on?”

“You will, but it’ll take time. You’ve spent so much of your life running from it that you never truly took the time to mourn them. You accepted their deaths the first time you were sent to a rehabilitation program, but you never dealt with it.”

Well, I was definitely mourning them now. It felt like my heart was being ripped out as I let myself finally feel the pain of their deaths. I let the pain overtake me until I was paralyzed with it. I wanted to escape from it, but I didn’t. Dr. Peters was right. I always ran, and right now, I was tired of running. It was time to face my demons and start over.

After learning to deal with my parents’ deaths, I was almost glad when we moved on to Chloe. I was learning to look at things differently, and compared to my parents, talking about Chloe was easy. While I knew that I’d lost her, I still had hope that I could have her back in my life again. Dr. Peters explained that while it was important to depend on my significant other, it was unhealthy to feel like I couldn’t live without her. I loved Chloe, but I also needed her in an unhealthy way.

He worked with me to help separate the two sides of my relationship with her, love and need, and in doing so, I realized that he was right. I’d depended on her in a way that I shouldn’t have. My feelings for her never changed, but I realized that I’d put her on a pedestal as my saving angel when I didn’t need to.

Through all of this, I felt myself growing stronger, both mentally and physically. Now that I was actually eating at least three times a day, I was gaining back all of the weight that I’d lost from using cocaine. I spent most of my recreational time outside, and my pale skin was starting to bronze. Between the weight gain and free tanning, I was starting to look human again. When I first entered the program, I’d thought that I looked fine. The first night that I came here, the nurse had snapped a picture for my identification card. When I looked at it weeks later, I was shocked. I’d looked horrible. My skin had been pasty, my eyes had appeared dead, and I’d looked almost skeletal compared to how I looked now. It was amazing how much I’d changed since I came here. I felt like a new person.

As my time in the program came to a close, I had to admit that I was relieved. Now that I was able to see things clearly, I wanted to get back out into the real world and start living my life again. I wanted to fix things with the band first, and then it would be time to find Chloe. I had already mentally prepared myself for the possibility that she might not want me back, but I wouldn’t let go of my last string of hope. I loved her more than ever now, and I wanted to prove it to her.

When I walked into Dr. Peters’s office to say good-bye, it just felt right. I was ready to move on with my life.

He glanced up at me. “Hello, Drake. I assume this is your farewell visit.”

“It is. I just wanted to say good-bye and thank you for everything.”

“No thanks are needed. You did all the work. I was just here to help you along.”

“Well, you did your job then. I haven’t felt this good in a long time.”

“I’m glad to hear it. If you ever need anything, you have my number. Don’t hesitate to call me, and I mean that.” He pulled a piece of paper out of his desk drawer. “And here is your certificate for completing the program. I thought you might need it as proof for certain people.”

Chloe. He knew that I was going to go after her, and he wanted to help me in any way he could.

“I will, and thanks again, doc.” I waved and then turned to walk out the door.

As soon as I reached the desk in the main lobby, I heard someone shouting my name. I looked up just in time to see Jade throwing herself at me. She wrapped her arms around me and buried her face in my neck.

“Whoa! Hi to you, too.” I pried her off of me.

“Sorry. I’m just so excited. You’re free!”

Eric and Adam were standing a few feet away. Both of them were grinning from ear to ear.

Eric stepped closer and gave me one of those one-armed hugs that only guys could pull off. “It’s good to have you back.”

“It’s good to be back. I’m ready to get out of here.”

I glanced at Adam, but he rolled his eyes. “Don’t expect me to get all misty eyed over you. I’m glad you’re back. Let’s leave it at that.”

I laughed. “Missed you, too, jackass.”

It took me a few minutes to sign all the paperwork to check myself out. As soon as I was finished, I followed the band out to the parking lot. They stopped in front of a brand-new Dodge Charger.

“Who does this belong to?” I asked.

“That would be me. It was the first thing I bought with the money from the label,” Adam said as he unlocked the car.

“He’s not kidding either. As soon as they put the money into our accounts, he went to the dealership and bought this thing.” Jade said as she shook her head.

“I hope it lasts longer than the rest of your cars.” I grinned.

“Fuck off and get in,” Adam growled. “And don’t scratch my baby.” He sat down in the driver’s seat.

Jade took the passenger seat while Eric and I climbed into the back. I had to admit that Adam’s new car was a sweet ride, but I still preferred my baby back home. Hopefully, I could go back and pick it up soon.

Jade turned around to look at me. “We just signed the papers for your new place yesterday. Are you ready to see it?”

On their last visit, she had informed me that they were going to get me a place, so I’d have somewhere to go once I was released.

“Yeah, but I need to make one stop first,” I said.

“Sure. Where to?” Adam asked as he started the car. He began pulling out of the lot.

“The nearest jewelry store.”

I couldn’t remember the last time that I’d been this nervous. I could do this. I knew I could. Then, why had I sat in my car for the last hour, staring at the house across the street from me? I needed to man up and take care of this shit.

It had taken me forever to find her. Without thinking, I’d driven to the dorm where she was staying before she moved in with me. I walked straight up to her room and knocked on the door. Imagine my surprise when two girls who I’d never seen before had answered the door. I’d tried Amber’s room next, but again, two girls who I didn’t know had greeted me. I’d even tried the bar, hoping that maybe she still came in here occasionally. No one had seen her in months. It was like she’d just disappeared from the face of the Earth. When I’d stopped at her Starbucks, at least people knew who she was, but they had no idea where she could be. She hadn’t worked there since we left the summer before.

I’d finally hit some luck when I stopped at a gas station to fill-up.

Her old roommate, Rachel, pulled in next to me. When she got out of her car, the shocked look on her face was priceless. I knew it was safe to say that Rachel had talked to her since our split. There was no other explanation for the way her mouth had dropped open.

“Hey, Rachel.”

“Drake? Holy crap, it is you! What are you doing back here?”

“Trying to find Chloe. The keyword there is trying. Do you know where she is?”

She bit her lip, clearly debating on whether or not to tell me.

“Please. I need to find her,” I pleaded.

“I’ll tell you where she is, but if this goes south, don’t tell her it was me.”

I grabbed a crumpled piece of paper and a pen out of my car. I smoothed out the paper, and I wrote down the directions as she gave them to me.

I started to get into my car, but then I stopped. “Rachel?”

She looked up. “Yeah?”

“Is she…I mean…is Chloe with anyone?”

She gave me a small smile. “Not that I know of.”

I wanted to jump up and down, scream, and fist-pump, but I contained myself. Chloe wasn’t with anyone. She hadn’t forgotten about me.

“Thank you.”

I pulled myself back to the present as I threw open my door and walked across the street to her house. If I didn’t do this now, I never would. Before I chickened out, I pounded on the door. I waited a minute or two before knocking again. There were lights on inside, so I knew someone had to be home. If no one would answer, I planned on sitting in my car until someone opened the door.