Takeoff! (34 page)

One time in Alexandria, in wicked Alexandria,

Where nights were wild’ with revelry, and life was but a game,

There lived, so the report is, an adventuress and courtesan,

The pride of Alexandria, and Thais was her name.

Or his takeoff on W. Somerset Maugham’s “Rain,” the story of the Immor(t)al Sadie Thompson, which begins:

On the isle of Pago Pago,

Land of palm trees, rice, and sago,

Where the Chinaman and Dago

Dwell ‘mid natives dusky-hued.

Lived a dissolute and shady

Bold adventuress named Sadie;

Sadie Thompson was the lady,

And the life she lived was lewd.

And the final line is an absolute smasher!

Levy was a master
of
double and triple feminine rhyme, and of mosaic rhyme
(“
report is, an”—” courtesan”). His stuff rolls off,
the tongue.

So I decided to try to do for science fiction what Newman Levy had done for opera and the theater.

One evening, at a party in New York, someone asked
me
to recite one of my reviews for the group. Since I am about as bashful and modest as Isaac Asimov, and for similar reasons, I acceded to the request.

There is an old one-liner:
“He
asked
me
if I like card tricks; I said no; he showed me ten.”

I think I had to be shut up with a fire extinguisher.

But sitting in that crowd was a gentleman named Robert A. W.
“Doc”
Lowndes, who was then editor of
Original Science Fiction Stories, Future Science Fiction,
and
Science Fiction Quarterly.

Doc
Lowndes, bless ‘im, said: “If you’ll type those up and bring them to my office, I’ll buy ‘em.”

And he did.

WARNING:
IF
YOU HAVE NOT READ
THE
ORIGINAL STORY, PLEASE DON’T READ
MY
VERSE FIRST. GO OUT AND BUY, BEG, OR BORROW A COPY
OF THE
ORIGINAL WORK AND READ IT. THEN READ THE VERSE.

AFTER ALL, WHO WANTS TO KNOW THE WHOLE PLOT
OF
A STORY BEFORE READING IT?

ISAAC ASIMOV’S
“THE CAVES OF STEEL”

By Randall Garrett

Many years ago, John Campbell made the flat statement that it was impossible to write a science fiction detective story. The hero can always whip out his hyperinductivizer and re-create the scene of the crime
in toto,
or he can get into his handy-dandy time machine and go back to watch the murder being committed, or he can read all the suspects’ minds, or..
.

In
other words, since anything can happen in a science fiction story, the job is too easy. No suspense. And no need for a detective.

Now, every time John made a flat statement like that, at least one of his authors would try to prove him wrong. And very often succeeded. The idea was to prove John wrong and make him pay for it.
It
was a game we all loved.

The first to succeed at the detective story game was Hal Clement, with “Needle.” The question was: “Where is the alien hiding?”
It
was strictly fair; all the clues were given and the reader had a fair, honest chance of finding out where the critter was hidden before the author told him.

But..
.It wasn’t a
formal
detective story.

In
the strictly formal detective story, there must be a detective, either amateur or professional, and he must solve the crime -usually murder.
In
“Needle” the crime is an alien one, and so is the detective. There is no murder, and the detective does not solve the puzzle. His host, a human boy, does. Don’t get me wrong; it’s a good story, but you have to stretch things pretty thin to call it a formal detective story.

However, “Needle” paved the way. You
can
write a formal detective story of science fiction, but first
you must define your parameters!
You must make it perfectly clear that the detective can
not
pull rabbits
out of
hats
or
superscience
gadgets out of
his
home
lab.

Even in a society where
good
old-fashioned magic
works,
the job can
be done.
I’ve
done
it myself, in
Too Many Magicians
and other
Lord
Darcy stories.

But the
man
who
showed me
how was Isaac Asimov in
The
Caves
of Steel.

In the future, when the towns are
caves
of steel

Clear from Boston, Massachusetts, to Mobile,

There’s a cop, Elijah Baley, who’s the hero of this tale. He

Has a Spacer robot helper named Daneel.

For it seems that there’s some guys from Outer Space

(They’re descendants of the Terran human race),

And allover Terra’s globe, it seems they’re giving jobs to robots,

Which are hated by the people they replace.

So a certain Spacer, Sarton, gets rubbed out,

And the Chief says to Elijah: “Be a scout;

Go and find out just whodunit, and, although it won’t be fun, it

Will result in your promotion, without doubt!”

The assignment puts Elijah on the spot.

He must do the job up right; if he does not,

It not only will disgrace him, but the robot will replace him

If the robot is the first to
solve
the plot

In the city, there’s a riot at a store.

R. Daneel jumps on a counter, and before

Baley knows it, pulls his blaster. Then he bellows: “I’m the master

Here, so stop it, or I’ll blow you off the floor!”

So the riot’s busted up before it starts,

And Elijah’s wounded ego really smarts.

“Well,” he says, “you quelled that riot, but a robot wouldn’t try it!

Dan, I think you’ve got a screw loose in your parts!”

Baley doesn’t see how R. Daneel could draw

Out his blaster, for the First Robotic Law

Says: “No robot may, through action or inaction, harm a fraction

Of a whisker on a human being’s jaw.”

Since Daneel, the robot, has a human face,

And he looks exactly like the guy from space

Who has been assassinated, Mr. Baley’s quite elated,

For he’s positive he’s solved the murder case!

“The Commissioner ,” he says, “has been misled,

‘Cause there hasn’t been a murder! No one’s dead!

Why you did it, I don’t know, but I don’t think you are a robot!

I am certain you are Sarton, sir, instead!”

“Why, that’s rather silly, partner,” says Daneel,

“And I’m awful sorry that’s the way you feel.”

Then, by peeling back his skin, he shows Elijah that, within, he

Is constructed almost totally of steel!

Well, of course, this gives Elijah quite a shock.

So he thinks the whole thing over, taking stock

Of the clues in their relation to the total situation,

Then he goes and calls a special robot doc.

Says Elijah Baley: “Dr. Gerrigel,

This here murder case is just about to jell!

And to bust it open wide, I’ll prove this robot’s homicidal!

Look him over, doc, and see if you can tell.”

So the doctor gives Daneel a thorough test

While the robot sits there, calmly self-possessed.

After close examination, “His First Law’s in operation,”

Says the doctor, “You can set your mind at rest.”

That leaves Baley feeling somewhat like a jerk,

But Daneel is very difficult to irk;

He just says: “We can’t stand still, or we will never find the killer.

Come on, partner, let us buckle down to work.”

Now the plot begins to thicken—as it should;

It’s the thickening in plots that makes ‘em good.

The Police Chiefs robot, Sammy, gives himself the double whammy,

And the reason for it isn’t understood.

The Commissioner says: “Baley, you’re to blame!

Robot Sammy burned his brain out, and I claim

That, from every single clue, it looks as though you made him do it!”

Baley hollers: “No, I didn’t! It’s a frame!”

Then he says: “Commish, I think that you’re the heel

Who’s the nasty little villain in this deal!

And I’ll tell you to your face, I really think you killed the Spacer,

‘Cause you thought he was the robot, R. Daneel!”

The Commissioner breaks down and mumbles: “Yes—

I’m the guy who did it, Baley—I confess!”

Baley says: “I knew in time you would confess this awful crime. You

Understand, of course, you’re in an awful mess!”

The Commissioner keels over on the floor.

When he wakes up, R. Daneel says: “We’re not sore;

Since the crime was accidental, we’ll be merciful and gentle.

Go,” he says in solemn tones, “and sin no more!”

Then says Baley to the robot, with a grin: “It was nice of you to overlook his sin.

As a friend, I wouldn’t trade you! By the Asimov who made you, You’re a better man than I am, Hunka Tin!”

ALFRED BESTER’S
“THE DEMOLISHED MAN”

By Randall Garrett

This “Review in Verse” was taken from Bester’s original magazine version, which appeared in Galaxy. It differs somewhat from the book version. For instance, “the author, Mr. Bester, doesn’t specify the year” in the magazine version, whereas, in the book version, he does. Another change was his lessened use of shortcut symbols. In the original, “Tate” was spelled “T8”; in the book, it’s spelled out. Also, there’s a character in the original called “$$son.” Now, I could have sworn that was “Dollarson” and I wrote the verse accordingly. But when the book came out, it was spelled “Jackson.”

“Obscure, Alfie,” says I.

“That’s why I changed it,” says he.

At any rate, when you read it—and it must be read aloud for full effect-pronounce the symbols as though they were words. “@” is pronounced “at,” so “f@” is pronounced “fat.” The trouble is that the twelfth letter of the alphabet and the fi.gure “one” look pretty much alike in print, so, in Verse 14, when you come to the word “18,” pronounce it “late,” not “ei.ghteen.”

“*” is “asterisk,” “%” is “percent,” and “(“ is “parenthesis.”

Now you’re on your own.

In the far & distant future—you can pick the d8 2 suit your-

Self, the author, Mr. Bester, doesn’t specify the year—

There’s a fellow named Ben Reich, a rich
investor
who’s no piker,

Who has dreams about a Faceless Man in nightmares odd & queer.

Craye D-Courtney is his rival. Says Ben Reich: “While he’s alive, I’ll

Never rest, so I must rub him out the best way th@ I can”‘

But, according 2 report, neither Ben Reich nor old D’Courtney

Knows the other well enough 4 Ben 2 h8 the older man.

Now, despite his wealth & power, Ben Reich still does not see how ar-

Ranging old D’Courtney’s death car, be achieved with grace & ease.

If he gets in2 a mess, perception by an expert Esper

Will eventually happen, 4 these lads are thick as fleas.

But since Reich remains determined 2 extermin8 th@ vermin,d-

Rastic action must be taken 2 make sure he won’t get caught.

So he calls Augustus T8, a doctor who, we find, is r8ed

As a 1st Class Esper Medic. Reich is sure he can be bought.

“Gus, D’Courtney is a bird I rather think I’d like 2 murder,

& I’ll pay an even million if you’ll help me kill the slob!”

T8 says: “I don’t like it, still you never know—an even million?

Th@’s an awful lot of money, Ben; I think I’ll take the job!”

Next he needs some brain protection from the Espers’ keen detection;

Just a song th@ he can think of so they cannot read his mind.

So he calls a gal named Duffy, who is just a bit of fluff he

Knows, who has a music shop th@ carries songs of every kind.

“Just a song with rhythm in it?” Duffy frowns & thinks a minute.

“Well, we have all kinds of songs, but if you simply must have 1

Th@ keeps running through your head, the best we have is ‘lOser, said the

10sor, 10sion, apprehension & dis¢sion have begun!’ “

Now the fireworks really start; he hears from T8 about a party

At the Beaumonts” Craye D’Courtney will be there without a doubt.

Ben Reich packs his g@ & goes there, smiles @ everyone he knows there,

& sneaks up 2 old D’Courtney’s room when all the lights are out.

Craye says: “Ben, I’m sick & feeble!” Says Ben Reich: “You can’t make me bel-

Ieve a word of all th@ guff!” & then he shoots Craye through the head.

But Ben’s planning’s al14 naught; around comes old D’Courtney’s daughter ,

& she grabs the g@ & runs off when she sees her father dead.

Now comes Powell, a detective, whose main job is 2 collect ev-

Aders of the law, who ought 2 know th@ they can not succeed.

He’s an Es% by the police 2 peep @ all the people

@ the party 2 determine who has done this dreadful deed.

His Lieu10ant, known as $$son, is hot beneath the collar.

“What’s the motive? Where’s the witness? Who’s the killer? Where’s the gun?

Ben Reich’s mind cannot be read, the best I get is: ‘10ser, said the

10sor, 10sion, apprehension & distortion have begun!’ “

“It’s a tough 1,” murmurs Powell, “& I really don’t see how I’ll