Takeoff! (37 page)
Authors: Randall Garrett
Tags: #General, #Fiction, #Science Fiction, #Science Fiction; American, #Parodies
Now, they’ve found that executing
Monsters can’t be done by shooting;
They require electrocuting,
Or cremation with a torch.
When they find these Things, they grab ‘em;
They don’t try to shoot or stab ‘em;
With high-voltage wires, they jab ‘em
‘Til their flesh begins to scorch.
So the entire expedition
Eye each other with suspicion,
For they’re in a bad position,
And there’s no denying
that!
Now, to clear this awful scramble,
The ingenious Mr. Campbell,
Suddenly, without preamble,
Pulls a rabbit from the hat.
Here’s the way they solve the muddle:
They discover that a puddle
Of a pseudo-human’s blood’ll
Be a little monster, too!
With this test for separating
Men from monsters, without waiting,
They start right in liquidating
All the monsters in the crew.
Thus, the story is completed.
And the awful Thing’s defeated,
But he still was badly treated;
It’s a shame, it seems to me.
Frozen since the glaciation,
This poor Thing’s extermination
Is as sad as the cremation
Of the hapless Sam McGee.
THE ADVENTURES OF “LITTLE WILLIE”
By Randall Garrett
ZAP!
Little Willie, full of fun,
Borrowed Daddy’s proton gun;
He tried it out with great elation
Now he’s cosmic radiation.
BLAZE OF GLORY
Little Willie made a slip
While landing in his rocket ship.
See that bright, actinic glare?
That’s our little Willie there.
HOT ARGUMENT
Willie and his girl friend, Bea,
While working for the A.E.C.
Got in a fight, and failed to hear
The warning of a bomb test near.
Their friends were sad to hear, no doubt,
That they had had a falling out.
INTRODUCTION TO
BENEDICT BREADFRUIT
By Grendel Briarton
In
2041,
Ferdinand Feghoot successfully sponsored the
per
petrator of these puns for membership in the exclusive Time Travellers Club, at their opulent rooms in
King
Charles
III
Street in London.
He
brought him in through the
J (
connecting the club rooms with any number of centuries, and presented him to the Members.
Old Dr.
Gropius Volkswagen looked at him dubiously. “Why should we make him a Member?” he grumbled. “He does not even look as if he has genius!”
“I assure you,” Feghoot said, “that he has. His
puns
are even more atrocious than mine.
He is
a dedicated writer—a veritable pen-addict.”
“Maybe it
is
so,” growled the old gentleman, “but)low
do
we know he is a good, solid citizen?”
“I will vouch for him,” Feghoot declared. “For generations, his whole family have emphasized their traditions and history .They have all been bred for roots.”
“My dear fellow,” put in the Club’s president, Vice-Admiral Sir Trumpery Buckett, “is all this on the basis of your own intimate knowledge?”
“Absolutely!” said Ferdinand Feghoot.
“
After all, he was conceived in our garret!”
“.Read
‘em
and weep.
THROUGH TIME AND SPACE
WITH BENEDICT BREADFRUIT
By Randall Garrett
I
On the ancient planet of Phogiu II, the natives were in a terrible tizzy. Their local god—a huge, intelligent lichen which covered a fifth of the habitable surface of Phogiu II, was dying. Naturally, they sent for Benedict Breadfruit. He took
one
look at the lichen and said: “It is obvious that the fungi part of this intelligent symbiotic organism is in good health. The other part, however—”
He gave it a shot of vitamins and a chlorophyll pill. The Great Lichen immediately spruced up and began delivering its deep pronunciamentos with the proper punctilio.
“What was wrong with it?” asked
one
of the natives.
“Nothing serious,” said Benedict Breadfruit. “All it needed was an algae buttress.”
II
The accepted method for removing space lice from the hull of a ship was by sandblasting, but the boys around the space docks noticed that Benedict Breadfruit’s shiny hull was not pitted either by space lice or by sandblasting. Breadfruit used hydrogen cyanide to remove the pests, but he had never told anyone about it.
“Come, Breadfruit,” said
one
of the spaceport officials, “Tell us how you remove your burden of pediculous pests!”
Breadfruit gestured at his HCN generator. “I gas ‘em off.”
III
“Father,” said Benedict Breadfruit’s son, Benedict II, “look at that robot over there! How can a machine in such horribly battered condition move about?”
Benedict Breadfruit looked sorrowfully at his offspring. “Haven’t you ever seen junk amble, Junior?”
IV
“But what will they do with the robot when it becomes too decrepit to move?” persisted the boy.
Breadfruit pointed to a large vat of bubbling acid in the public square: “They’ll throw him in the pool, yonder, son.”
V
On the Planet Tenta I, plants of the melon and related families were so rare that the king himself had issued a royal fiat to protect them. Not knowing this, Benedict Breadfruit’s young son started to pick a pumpkin. Fortunately, his father stopped him in time.
“But
why
can’t I pick a pumpkin, father?” asked the child.
“It would be a violation of the Gourd Edict, son.”
VI
“On the planet Toupher VI,” said Benedict Breadfruit in his address to the members of the Institute for Twenty-First Century Studies, a group specializing in ancient history, “the natives keep time by means of cords which have knots tied along their length at precisely measured intervals. Since the material from which these cords are made is remarkably even in its rate of burning, it is possible to tell the exact hour by noticing how many knots have burned after one end has been lit.”
“What is this remarkable contraption called?” asked one of the members.
“Why, naturally,”said Benedict Breadfruit in his best British accent, “it would be a knot clock.”
VII
The Black Beast of Betelgeuse, although horrible in aspect, was really a very pleasant fellow when you got to know him, as Benedict Breadfruit did. But because of his alienness he was forbidden to go to Earth by a Galactic Space Lines regulation forbidding tickets to be sold to “horrible monsters.”
“It’s an unfair law,” said the Black Beast. “You’re a man of some importance, Benedict; couldn’t you do something about it?”
Breadfruit nodded. “I believe I can get the wretch anulled,
Bete Noir
.”
VIII
The peculiar religio-sexual practices of the inhabitants of Hoogaht VIII are known throughout the Galaxy. One day a group of Hoogahtu called upon Benedict Breadfruit.
“We are,” said their spokesman, “planning to build an old-fashioned Earth-type house for our group. The living quarters for the males and females will be on the first and second floors. The Temple of Love, as we call it, will occupy the top floor, just under the roof. Knowing your abilities with language, we would like for you to give us a name for our Temple.”
“Orgiastic top floor, eh?” asked Breadfruit.
“That’s right?”
“A hot-pants attic, as it were?” said Breadfruit.
“If you insist, yes,” said the spokesman.
“A libidinous area just under the roof, one might say.”
“That’s what we said,” agreed the Hoogahtu.
“In other words, a lewd loft?” persisted Breadfruit.
“Most emphatically,” said the Hoogahtu spokesman.
Benedict Breadfruit shook his head, baffled for the first time in his life. “Gee, fellas, I just can’t think of a damn thing.”
COPYRIGHT DATA
Backstage Lensman,
Copyright 1978 by Condé-Nast Publications, Inc.
The Best Policy,
Copyright 1957 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.
The Cosmic Beat,
Copyright 1962 by Ziff-Davis Publications, Inc., under the title
The
Hepcats of Venus.
Despoilers
of
the Golden
Empire, Copyright 1959 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.
The Horror Out
of
Time,
Copyright 1978 by Mercury Press, Inc.
Look Out! Duck!,
Copyright 1957 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.
On the Martian Problem,
Copyright 1978 by Davis Publications, Inc.
Masters
of
the Metropolis,
Copyright 1957 by Mercury Press, Inc.
No
Connections,
Copyright 1958 by Street & Smith Publications, Inc.
Mustang
, Copyright 1961 by Mercury Press, Inc.
Alfred Bester’s “The Demolished Man,”
Copyright 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.
L. Sprague de Camp’s “Lest Darkness Fall,”
Copyright 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.
A. E. Van Vogt’s “Slan,”
Copyright 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.
Isaac Asimov’s “The Caves
of
Steel,”
Copyright 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.
John
w.
Campbell,
Jr’s
“Who Goes There,”
Copyright 1956 by Columbia Publications, Inc.
Zap!,
Copyright 1963 by Mercury Press, Inc.
Hot Argument
, Copyright 1960 by Mercury Press, Inc.
Blaze
of
Glory,
Copyright 1955 by Mercury Press, Inc.
Through Time and
Space
with Benedict Breadfruit, Parts I
through
VIII,
Copyright 1962 by Ziff-Davis Publications, Inc.
Poul Anderson’s “Three Hearts and Three Lions,”
Copyright 1978 by Randall Garrett.
Prehistoric Note,
Copyright 1978 by Randall Garrett.
About the Author:
Randall Garrett sold his first science fiction story to John Campbell in 1942. He was fourteen years old at the time, and in the Marines. Since that auspicious beginning he has published many books and stories, though even aficionados will probably not recognize some of the pseudonyms he has used: Darrell T. Langart (an anagram) for Anything You Can Do; Robert Randall for The Dawning Light and The Shrouded Planet (with Robert Silverberg); Mark Phillips for The Impossible, Super Mind and Brain Twister. He also wrote under the names of Blake MacKenzie and Seaton McKettrig. His best-known work, however, is under his own name: Too Many Magicians, part of the Lord Darcy series. Most recently, he collaborated with his wife, Vicki Ann Heydron, on the Gandalara cycle, published by Bantam Books. Another collection of humorous stories, Takeoff, Too!, will be published by The Donning Company in 1986.
Table of Contents
DESPOILERS OF THE GOLDEN EMPIRE
ISAAC ASIMOV’S “THE CAVES OF STEEL”
ALFRED BESTER’S “THE DEMOLISHED MAN”
L. SPRAGUE DE CAMP’S “LEST DARKNESS FALL”
POUL ANDERSON’S “THREE HEARTS AND THREE LIONS”
JOHN W. CAMBELL’S “WHO GOES THERE?”
THE ADVENTURES OF “LITTLE WILLIE”