Taking Flight (23 page)

I stared at her, dumbfounded. A large part of me had still been convinced on the ride back here that she’d just kissed me on impulse. The rest entertained the idea that I was some sort of exception. But this? She’d seemed nothing but straight, and I’d spent daily time with her for
months
.

“But all of the guys,” I blurted, shaking my head. I couldn’t fathom it. Lesbians didn’t sleep with men. Lesbians didn’t enjoy sex with men. I looked up at her, realizing with horror what she was about to say. “Oh, God, Cammie.”

“I want to make my parents happy. My mom happy,” she murmured. “I still do. That means living the life she imagined for me. You have no clue how much pressure there is in this town to be what everyone expects of you. To be normal.” She shifted, pulling her knees up to her chest and resting her chin on them. “I thought I could fix it, so I tried with Trevor. I did what my friends said I was supposed to. When that didn’t work, I kept trying. I thought maybe it’d get better. It didn’t. When Peter didn’t work, either, I cheated on him with someone I thought might. Someone I really liked as a person. But I still wasn’t attracted to him.” She paused, bit her lip, and then admitted, “I kissed Maddie at one of her cousin’s parties a while back. I was drunk and she was the only lesbian I knew; she’d been out for a while and I’d watched her go through hell because of it. It was impulsive and stupid and… nice.” She trailed off again. I could fill in the gaps there.

“But when it came down to it, you couldn’t be what she was. She had no one in her corner and you couldn’t even stand up for her.” I couldn’t identify my own feelings. I was angry at her, but I understood.

She shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut tightly. She was beginning to cry again. “I’m so fucking awful, Lauren. She knew and she’s known for so long and she’s never said a word to anyone, and I’ve been terrible to her just to keep up appearances. And the worst part is that I’m okay with myself, you know? I wanted it to go away for a while: prayed for it and everything, and it didn’t. I think I’m meant to be like this, and I can accept it. I
want
to be happy. But if no one else will accept it, I don’t think I can disappoint them. I can’t look my mom in her eyes and see hatred in them.”

“You come first,” I told her, setting my jaw. “Cammie, look at me.
You
come first.”

She stared back at me, her eyes red and swollen. “I’m not strong enough to think that way. I’m not like you and Maddie.”

I bowed my head and ran my hands through my hair, letting out a heavy sigh. I closed my eyes, paused, and then looked up at her. “So you kissed me and that’s it? It
was
just something to try out?”

“Of course not,” she retorted, shaking her head. “I’ve wanted to kiss you for a while now.”

I watched her for a moment, not quite daring to believe her. But then I remembered. “You almost kissed me the night you were crowned Homecoming Queen. On the porch after the party. I thought I was imagining things.”

She tucked her head behind her knees and sniffled. “God, I’m a wreck.”

“That’s okay,” I told her. “Me too.”

She was quiet for a while. I leaned back against the door to one of the stalls and let out a deep sigh, trying to make sense of everything. The girl I had feelings for was gay. She was gay and she’d kissed me and now my heart ached in a way it never had before.

Cammie got to her feet first, after some time, and crossed to me, offering me her hand. I took it and rose beside her, taking care to keep a foot of space between us. I wasn’t sure where her head was at. “What now?” I asked her.

She shook her head. “I don’t know.”

“We can’t just act like it didn’t happen,” I pointed out. “We spend hours a day together. Some of it alone.”

“Yeah. Alone.” She paused, and then turned red. “Sorry. That was supposed to stay in my head.”

My lips parted as a new thought occurred to me, and I turned to her accusingly. “I’ve changed in front of you before.”

She forced a weak laugh and left my side, walking to the edge of the stable and then beckoning me toward her. “C’mon, one last run and we’re safe inside.”

“Jesus Christ,” I mused, and with a shake of my head, took off after her.

Chapter Fifteen

I kissed your daughter
.

David was talking to me. We’d taken our usual places on opposite sides of the dining room table. This was nothing compared to the awkwardness of dinner, but I was still struggling to fight off the flush creeping into my cheeks.

I literally just made out with her about two hours ago.

“What do you think?”

I blinked at him rapidly. “Huh?”

He sighed. “Lauren, you’re not even listening to me. I was asking what you think about coming white-water-rafting with our church this weekend.”

“I have a choice?” I asked, surprised. “I thought I had to go now.”

“That’s to the actual service. I’d like for you to go, of course, but I understand if you’d rather spend your Sunday relaxing. Especially after that stunt you and Cammie pulled today, no matter how well-intentioned.” He shot me a critical look. “Cammie’s health is up in the air, but if I were you, I’d expect a cold at the least by the end of the week.”

“Okay. I’ll think about it,” I mumbled.

*   *   *

“Maybe you should skip it.”

I looked across the room to Cammie’s bed, an eyebrow arched. A day had passed since our trip out into the rain, and it had certainly been an eventful one. Tiffany and Peter had remained silent about their hookup, and so Cammie’d confronted them in the hallway and caused a big scene. Then she’d been sent home early by the principal.

Wendy was probably downstairs mourning the death of Cammie’s relationship right about now, but Cammie, meanwhile, seemed unfazed for the most part. She’d gotten a few cheers in the hallway today, mostly because Tiffany didn’t appear to be very well-liked, and I think that helped her feel better. Her social life was mostly intact, her mother didn’t blame her for the breakup, and she didn’t feel she needed a guy around to cover up her sexuality… for the time being.

“What?” I asked her, confused.

“The trip this weekend,” she elaborated.

“You want me to stay home,” I said flatly. “How flattering.”

“I want you to stay home because I might choose to stay home,” she explained, examining her fingernails idly.

“You have that option?”

She nodded. “I just broke up with my boyfriend and I’ve been sick this week, remember? I might need to stay home. Just to be safe.” She feigned a cough into her hand and grinned. My eyebrows went higher, and I glanced toward her bedroom door. It was wide open, and I shifted my gaze quickly toward the mp3 player in my lap.

“Oh. Okay.”

“Think about it,” she advised.

“Oh, I’m thinking about it,” I mumbled, just loudly enough for her to hear. She grinned and let out a laugh just as footsteps thundered up the stairs. Cammie’s grin hadn’t quite faded as Wendy peered into the room.

“Cammie—” she paused, and then looked appalled. “How can you be smiling at a time like this? This boy broke your heart!”

“I know, Mom,” Cammie sighed. “Lauren’s telling me jokes to make me feel better. Am I not allowed to smile?”

“I just don’t want you to keep all of your feelings inside, honey. If you need to cry you can let it out.”

“I
will,
Mom. I’ll come talk to you later, okay? I’m just not ready right now.”

“Okay. Well… dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Keep your door open, remember, the exterminator stopped by today and he said to keep the house aired out.”

“Okay, Mom.”

Wendy disappeared back down the steps and Cammie shifted on her bed with a quiet groan. “God, I love her and all, but she’s such a cartoon character.”

“At least she cares?” I offered.

“I guess.” She glanced around her room for a moment, and her eyes settled on one of the posters pinned to her wall. “I hate romance novels, by the way,” she said out of nowhere.

I forced a laugh. “Should’ve known. Everything’s a lie with you.”

“Not everything.” I turned to look at her, and she offered me a small smile. But the mood had gone somber, and I stared back at her with furrowed eyebrows.

I was looking at a girl who’d spent years carefully crafting herself into the ideal small-town girl. She’d endured countless boyfriends and friends she didn’t like, forced herself into doing things she wasn’t interested in, and hid her real interests and feelings. All because she’d been told at age eight that being herself wasn’t an option. As much as she was trying to be light-hearted now, that wasn’t just something that went away.

“Cammie?” I asked her, dropping my gaze to my lap. “What do you want with me?”

She raised her eyebrows. “What?”

“I mean… what is this turning into?” I asked her. “You lost your boyfriend. I’ve been here for a while; I’ve seen the things you did to keep him around. If you’re gonna want another boyfriend soon…”

I glanced to her and she avoided my eyes. “I don’t know what I’m doing,” she said at last. “I like you.”

“Okay. I like you too.” I paused, and then, embarrassed, I mumbled, “I like you a lot. In a way I haven’t ever liked anyone else.”

She smiled at that. “Me too.”

“But this,” I pointed back and forth between the two of us. “It’s so complicated. I don’t
date
girls, and you don’t date
girls
. So we’re both equally lost, not to mention the fact that you’re not sure you won’t get insecure and seek out another guy to pretend to like and
I’m
not sure I’m ready or able to have a relationship. I’m gonna screw it up, and if I don’t, you probably will. This is so high-risk.”

“We don’t have to label anything. We like each other. Can we start with that?”

“And go where?” I arched an eyebrow at her, watching her chew at the inside of her cheek.

“…I don’t know.” She sucked in a breath. “Lauren, part of the reason I was so ready to dump Peter today was because of what happened with us. I don’t have any answers. I just know that I like being around you.” She flushed abruptly and shook her head. “God, I’m really not used to talking like this.”

“Me either,” I admitted. My thoughts went back to Peter, Trevor, and all of the nameless guys Cammie hadn’t mentioned, and my heart lurched. I closed my eyes. “I don’t think I could watch you hook up with guys after what you told me. Can we at least agree on that being something that needs to stop? Don’t put yourself through that, Cammie. Not while I’m around. You don’t deserve it.”

“Okay,” she said. Her voice was quiet, and her arms were folded across her chest. “I can do that.”

*   *   *

I kept Fiona and Nate out of the loop about what had happened with me and Cammie, although I figured Fiona would inevitably catch on, given that she knew I liked girls.

Maddie, however, got to hear the whole story. Cammie and I didn’t get much alone time over the course of the rest of the week; in fact, things just got more tense between us anytime we were together. At school on Friday, I convinced Maddie to come pick me up on Saturday so that we could spend the day studying at her house. She wasn’t too happy about that, and neither was Cammie, but Maddie agreed when I told her I had big news to share.

So the second we were inside her house and placing our things at the dining room table, she demanded, “Alright. What’s the big secret? Tell me so we can move past it and get this thing over with.”

“I’ll tell you,” I said. “You just have to promise not to be mad.”

“When have you seen me get mad? Unless you’re about to tell me you love me and then try to get me to sleep with you, I think we’re good.”

She crossed her arms, waiting impatiently, and I chewed at my lip. “Okay. Um. Cammie and I kissed.”

She raised her eyebrows, but didn’t seem as shocked as I’d thought she’d be. “Huh. That happened sooner than I expected it to.”

“What? Are you serious?”

“Well, once I turned you down, it was kind of a matter of time. She’s a repressed lesbian and you’re a hot slut who spends a lot of time with her, so.”

“That is such a flattering assessment of the situation,” I deadpanned. “C’mon, be serious. I know you knew she was gay all along. I get why you didn’t say anything, but now you have this smug look on your face like you know I’ve got bad karma coming.”

“Well…” she trailed off and sat down, and I joined her at the table. “Here’s the thing about Cammie. She grew up with parents who have super high expectations. I mean, these screwed up kids show up once a year with problems that make
you
look like a model citizen, and her job is to sit back, not stir up any trouble, and be the perfect kid so the screw-up can copy her. So she’s not supposed to have problems. Naturally, because she isn’t supposed to have problems and because she’s gay in a small town, she’s probably
more
fucked up than you’ll ever be. And you want to have
sex
with her now?”

“It’s not like that,” I mumbled.

“Of course it’s not,” Maddie agreed. “You have feelings for her. So now you’re even more screwed. I may have had a crush on a so-called player,” she pointed to me with a smirk, “but
you’re
falling in love with the most damaged girl in Collinsville. I mean, she sleeps with guys to keep them around because she’s terrified that if she’s single for more than a minute her super religious mother and the rest of her family will think she’s a disappointment and everyone will hate her. Her giving up Peter for you is so huge. But still, can you imagine what it’d be like to have a mother like that, and how far you’d go to make her happy if you really cared about her?”

“No. I hardly had a mother,” I replied, stony-faced.

Maddie deflated slightly. “I’m sorry. I guess I’m not trying to be as harsh as I sound, I’m just—”

“Still bitter?” I arched an eyebrow.

She gave me the finger, rolling her eyes. “Look. I
am
over you, and knowing what you have coming to you is making it harder to stay angry with you… but you wanted to know more about Cammie. There it is. She’ll say and do anything to make her parents happy. So if it comes down to you or them, you should know that she’ll choose them. Which makes her a very dangerous person to fall for.”

“So… what, I should end it right now?”

“Is it worth it not to?” she asked me.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. I think it might be.”

“That’s your decision.” She sighed. “Just… coming from someone who got to know you, and got a glimpse of how emotionally insecure you are—”

“I’m not emotionally insecure,” I cut in, but she dismissed my protest with a shake of her head.

“Coming from someone who got a glimpse of how emotionally insecure you are, you should probably find someone more stable. That’s all. And before you throw in another jab, I don’t mean me. I don’t mean anyone in Collinsville. I’m only telling you how to avoid getting your heart broken. That’s what your top priority is and always has been, right? So if you want to avoid that, genius, don’t take the leap of faith with Cammie.”

I swallowed hard and moved to reach for my notebook. “Maybe we should study now,” I said, and kept “
Maybe my priorities should change
,” bouncing around in my head, unspoken.

*   *   *

I spent some time with Scott out around the farm later that day. I’d taken to hanging out with him in the barn some days on the weekends while he milked the cows, under the guise of helping him out. Cammie, I’m sure, knew exactly what was going on, but her parents were none-the-wiser.

“Jill and I are getting married next month,” he told me. “Our moms have been collaborating on details.”

“January seems like a weird month to get married,” I said. “I thought most people did it in the summer.”

“Not sure.” He shrugged his shoulders. “I’ve been kinda getting the vibe that Mom and Dad want me to move out soon, though, so I guess January it is.” He let out a small laugh. “Cammie’s thankful for it, I’m sure. It’ll take the attention away from her love life for about ten seconds.”

“So your parents have always been like this,” I observed.

“Just with Cammie, and it’s mostly Mom. I’ve heard Dad telling her she should be with whoever makes her happy, but of course he’s also got high standards for the guys she dates. Between you and me, I don’t think he really liked Peter.”

“Your Mom did.”

“Mom just saw a cute boy who goes to church and freaked out. She’ll get over it. Especially when Cammie moves on to the next one.”

I frowned once he’d turned away from me. He reached for a fresh bucket to place under the cow in front of him as I asked, “So she does that often?”

“Eh, it’s not that bad. Give her a few months or so. Peter was pretty long-term, so by the time she moves on you’ll nearly be out of here.”

“But before Peter,” I pressed.

“There weren’t a lot of actual boyfriends, really. There were a lot of guys, but I think most of them were one-time dates. Cammie does a lot of test runs.
She’s
gotta like him,
Mom’s
gotta like him, then Dad… it’s a lot of checkpoints to get through.” He turned back to me and raised an eyebrow. “Why so curious? Trying to figure out who you can get away with fooling around with while you’re here? Because if that’s the case, I can tell you right now that Dad won’t want you dating anyone. He says it’s a distraction and that it’s not what you’re here for.”