Taking Heart (13 page)

He smiled. “Being jealous is not so bad. At least it tells me you’re
still thinking about me.”

“Seeing you flirting with a beautiful woman on television, that was…
hard. I didn't expect to feel that way.”

“If it makes you feel any better, I haven’t slept with anyone since, you
know, you.”

Ren was quiet on her end; he could almost see her biting her lower lip.
God, he wanted to bite her lower lip. “It does, but it doesn’t. I have no claim
on you, Eric. You’re free to date whoever you want,” she finally said.

“Are you saying you don’t want me to wait for you?”

“I don’t know. I can't ask you to do that,” she said. “But I don’t want
to cut you out of my life completely.”

“What
do
you
want, Ren?”

“I want to be free. Of everything.”

“Then let’s go away. Let’s take a vacation to Monte Carlo.”

She laughed softly. “That’s a little out of my price range. The bakery’s
not doing
that
well,” she said. “I’ve really missed talking to you,
Eric. I’m sorry I was a bit of a bitch. I just… I didn’t like seeing you with
other women. But I guess I’d better get used to it.”

“I guess it's too much to hope that you're over Ben already, right?”

“Not yet. And even if I were, you live in Los Angeles and I live in
Chicago. It would never work out between us.”

“You’ve had a long distance relationship before and made it work.”

“And look how that turned out.”

“We can make it work, Ren,” he said with a conviction that even he wasn't
entirely buying.

“You're probably right,” she said. “But I think, for the time being, we
should remain friends.”

He snickered. “So, let me get this straight. You called me to bust my
balls about flirting with other women, and now you’re telling me to go ahead
and date said other women?”

Ren sputtered for a moment then began to laugh. “Yeah, shut up.”

He wished he were near when she laughed like that so he could tickle her
and make her giggle even more. If only he hadn’t blown it. “Ren,” he said. “I’m
sorry about being such a doucheface back in Colorado. I shouldn’t have left so
quickly. I should have stayed and helped you figure things out.”

“I shouldn’t have made that assumption about Ben’s heart. I didn’t mean
to lead you on.”

“You’re forgiven if I’m forgiven.”

He could feel her warm smile through the line. “You got a deal,” she
said.

He sighed. “Well, Ren, my friend, I have to get some shut eye. Tomorrow I
learn about dovetails.”

“Dovetails?”

“Oh, I haven’t had a chance to tell you about it yet, huh?”

“It? What’s that?”

“I’ve found something I’m good at. Or at least, something I like to do.”
He grinned, his chest swelling with pride.

“And what’s that?”

“Woodworking,” he said, suddenly yearning to hear her approval.

He wasn't disappointed. “Really? That’s fantastic!”

“Yeah. But I’ll tell you about it another day. Give us something to talk
about.”

“Okay,” she said excitedly. “I’m really happy for you, Eric.”

“Thanks.” He smiled into the phone as he added, “I bid you goodnight.”

“Night.”

He laid the phone on the nightstand and folded his hands behind his head,
feeling unusually happy for someone who had just received the dreaded “let's
just be friends” spiel.

chapter
nine

“Ren, it’s been so long.”

The familiar voice clutched at Ren’s heart, rendering her frozen while
she was crouched behind the display case. She looked out the glass front and
saw a pair of khaki slacks, and for one wild moment, before she stood to face
reality, she allowed herself the luxury of dreaming that Ben was back.

“Ren?”

She took a deep breath before standing up and coming face to face with
Ben’s father, Brad. “Hi,” she said with an air of pleasant surprise even though
it hurt to look at the face that reminded her so much of his dead son.

Brad's lips barely formed a smile. He cleared his throat. “I’m sorry for
showing up unannounced,” he said, stuffing his hands in his pockets. “I was
just in the neighborhood and thought I’d stop by, see how you’re doing.”

She forced a smile, remembering how tender Brad had been after her own
father’s funeral. He had pulled her into his arms and just held her.

“For what it’s worth,” he had said on that chilly fall afternoon, “you
still have a father in me.”

 
And now here they stood, with
another insurmountable loss between them.

“I’m doing okay,” she said and stepped around from the counter to give
him an awkward hug. Though they lived in the same city, they hadn’t seen each
other since Ben’s funeral, and whatever air of familiarity they had known
throughout the years had dissolved into something uncertain. Did he still think
of her as his own daughter now that her ties to his family had been cut? Did
she still want him to?

“It’s been too long, Ren,” he said, holding on a tad longer before
releasing her. “Linda says hello.”

“Tell her I said hi back.”

“She wants you to come over to dinner sometime.”

Ren slipped her hands inside her apron pockets. “Thank you, I’d like
that,” she said, not altogether truthfully. She would have to be a masochist to
want to visit Ben’s childhood home.

Brad eyed the display case and motioned with his head. “Are the muffins
any good? Well, I guess they would be since you made them.”

“They’re good, fresh out of the oven actually.”

Brad rubbed his hands together, clearly glad to be moving into more
comfortable territory. “Well then, can I please have one blueberry and one
banana nut?”

“Of course.” Ren busied herself with the muffins, putting them into a
brown paper bag and sealing it shut with a sticker. “Here you go. On the
house.”

Brad pulled ten dollars out of his wallet. “No, I insist on paying.”

She shook the bag at him. “No, I insist.”

The contrary man slapped the money on the glass counter anyway. “Seeing
as I’m older, I outrank you and I say I’m paying,” he said with that
infuriating smile he shared with his son.

With a shake of the head, she rang the till and handed him his change.
She dared another long look at his face, searching for a glimpse of Ben in his
features, no matter how small. Her heart hurt, but she was surprised to find
that the urge to cry was not present.

“I also wanted to thank you for sending us his belongings,” Brad said,
opening the bag and taking a long whiff of the muffins, trying his hardest to
appear casual. “It took a lot of courage to go there, to his apartment. Linda
was very glad you saved his stuffed bunny. He’s had that ratty thing since he
was a baby, you know?”

“I found it on a shelf in his closet. I couldn’t believe he kept it all
this time.”

“Linda couldn’t either,” he said with a wry smile. “As you can imagine,
she got all teary-eyed over that one.”

Ren took a deep breath, praying for courage to speak. Finally, she found
it. “There’s one more thing that I held onto, that you should probably have.”

Brad’s thick eyebrows rose. “What is it?”

She bit her lips anxiously. What would he think of her? Would she see
pity in his eyes? “It’s, uh, something that he hadn’t gotten around to giving
me yet.”

The expression on his face said that he knew exactly what she was talking
about. He gave a slight nod. “I think that’s probably something he wanted you
to keep.”

She shook her head, emotions lodged in her throat. “I don’t know if maybe
he’d changed his mind. I mean
,
it was buried deep in
his closet.”

“No, Ren. He meant to ask. Trust me when I say that he was going to ask.”

“I was afraid of that,” she said, tears stinging her eyes. It might have
been easier to bear if he’d changed his mind altogether and had planned on
taking the ring back. “That makes it a little worse, I think.”

Brad’s eyes, too, were shining. He came around the counter and wrapped
her in a fatherly embrace. “He really loved you, Ren. We all did. I want you to
know that I still think of you as part of the family.”

She pulled away, relieved when a customer entered the store. Brad lifted
the paper sack of muffins. “I’m sure Linda will enjoy these,” he said with a
rueful smile. “Please keep in touch. We’ve already lost Ben, we can’t stand to
lose you too.”

Ren’s lower lip trembled, so she bit down.
 
She couldn’t allow a customer to see her
bawling. “Thanks,” was all she could manage.

Brad cast her a sad wave before exiting the store.

Ren turned to the customer, a young mother with an infant strapped to her
chest, when she felt a hand gently land on her shoulder.

“I’ll cover the front for a little while,” Lisa said, nudging Ren out of
the way.

“Thanks.” Ren turned away towards the kitchen door just as the tears
began to fall.

That night, as soon as she’d locked the apartment door behind her and
taken off her ballet flats, Ren collapsed on the couch and stared at the black
screen of the television. Meeting with Brad had taken an emotional toll, one
that she hadn’t been able to voice to her sisters because they wouldn't have
understood. Ren didn’t know why she never told them about the engagement ring
in the first place, but knew that she wouldn't be able to handle seeing pity or
judgment in their eyes if she told them now.

Only one other person knew about the ring, one
who
would talk to her with frankness and say to her the harsh words that she needed
to hear. She grabbed the phone and dialed.

“Ren!” Eric said then gasped. “Crap. Wait a second,
alright
?
Let me put you on speaker.”

She listened closely, hearing the clanging of pans. “Are you in a
restaurant?” she asked as soon as he returned to the phone. “Sounds like you’re
in some sort of hibachi place.”

Eric snorted. “No. I wish. Actually, I was attempting to cook something
myself.”

“Really?” She'd never pictured him to be so domestic. “How is it going?”

“Oh, it’s fine,” he said then groaned. “Actually, stir frying beef and
vegetables is a lot harder than it looks.” He let out a surprised curse
followed by a metallic clanking in the background. “Why the hell do they make
wok handles metal? That shit gets hot.”

Ren laughed, already feeling the heavy dread lifting off her head. “Well
don’t maim yourself or anything.”

“Thanks for the tip, Einstein,” he said. “So how are you?”

“I’m… I’m doing better. You?”

“Apart from being busy not maiming myself, I’m doing pretty good,
thanks.” She heard something sizzle in the background and hoped it wasn't his
skin.

“What setting is your stove on?”

“Uh, high?”

She chuckled. “You might want to turn it down a few notches or you’ll
burn everything.”

“A-ha.” He laughed. “I knew there was a reason I was friends with you.”

“That’s good. I could really use a friend right now.”

“Are you alright?” he asked, his voice suddenly serious.

“I’m fine,” she began to say, then changed her mind. “No, that’s not the
truth. Ben’s dad came by the bakery today, to thank me for mailing them his
stuff.”

“Oh. How was it?”

“It was, um, not easy,” she said, reclining along the full length of the
couch. “I told him about the ring.”

“So you still have it,” he said softly. “I wondered about that.”

“Yeah. I guess I’m having a hard time letting go of that too. Amongst
other things.”

“So what did he say? Did he want it back?”

“No, he told me to keep it. That Ben wanted me to have it.”

Eric whistled. “So are you? Keeping it?”

She paused, realizing that she actually hadn’t thought about what to do
with the ring. Since returning from Colorado, she'd placed the ring inside her
bedside table drawer. Every now and then, she’d take it out and watch it
sparkle in the light, wondering what her life would have been like had Ben not
stepped on those slopes that day. She hadn't thought about what to do with the
ring beyond that.

“Well, if you ask me,” Eric said, sounding as if he had a mouthful of
food. “You should get rid of it. It’s only stunting your ability to move on.”

“That’s… that’s—”

“The truth,” he said. “You called me because you wanted to hear the
truth. And there it is. You need to give that ring back. You know this.”

She paused, her chest compressing with the thought.

“Ren?”