Authors: Jamaica Kincaid
Talk Stories (17 page)
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Oriana Fallaci, the internationally famous Italian journalist and interviewer of the high, mighty, and unbelievably important, has written and had published a novel, and to publicize it she asked eighteen people, some of whom she didn't know at all personally but all of whom she knew worked for newspapers or magazines or television, to lunch at “21.” Oriana Fallaci's novel, titled
A Man
, is about a hero of the Greek resistance who uncovers evidence of great corruption and all-around wrongdoing in powerful circles in Greek politics but is killed before he can expose the wicked people. In real life, Oriana Fallaci said to her guests, she was in love with a hero of the Greek resistance who uncovered evidence of great corruption and all-around wrongdoing in powerful circles in Greek politics but was killed before he could expose the wicked people.
A Man
, is about a hero of the Greek resistance who uncovers evidence of great corruption and all-around wrongdoing in powerful circles in Greek politics but is killed before he can expose the wicked people. In real life, Oriana Fallaci said to her guests, she was in love with a hero of the Greek resistance who uncovered evidence of great corruption and all-around wrongdoing in powerful circles in Greek politics but was killed before he could expose the wicked people.
At the lunch, Oriana Fallaci, who is petite and pretty, sat with all her guests at an oblong dining table. A few times, she
said “you Americans” in a way that many Western Europeans like to say “you Americans”âa way that many Americans find annoying. She also said, “What is fiction?” and “People ask me if this or that incident in the book was true, and I say, âIt's all true,' though, of course, the truth is always longer.” She said, “I love politics. There are some people who don't resist alcohol, some people who don't resist drugs. I don't resist politics,” and “My father laughed a lot. Once, I said to him, âFather, how come you always laugh and never cry?' and he said, âIt's the same thing,'” and “You don't steel yourself against life as I did for three years to write a book; you write it and face the task of writing it,” and “Alekos said to me, âI will die and you will love me forever and you'll write a book about me,'” and “Anything can be said about me but not that I don't write good Italian. I am Florentine, God damn it.”
said “you Americans” in a way that many Western Europeans like to say “you Americans”âa way that many Americans find annoying. She also said, “What is fiction?” and “People ask me if this or that incident in the book was true, and I say, âIt's all true,' though, of course, the truth is always longer.” She said, “I love politics. There are some people who don't resist alcohol, some people who don't resist drugs. I don't resist politics,” and “My father laughed a lot. Once, I said to him, âFather, how come you always laugh and never cry?' and he said, âIt's the same thing,'” and “You don't steel yourself against life as I did for three years to write a book; you write it and face the task of writing it,” and “Alekos said to me, âI will die and you will love me forever and you'll write a book about me,'” and “Anything can be said about me but not that I don't write good Italian. I am Florentine, God damn it.”
A guest said to her, “Oriana, journalism is something you are in temporary retreat from.”
Another guest said, “You must find Ronald Reagan interesting.”
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December 8, 1980
December 8, 1980
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Pussy cat, pussy cat, where have you been?
I've been to London to look at the Queen.
Pussy cat, pussy cat, what did you there?
I frightened a little mouse under her chair.
I've been to London to look at the Queen.
Pussy cat, pussy cat, what did you there?
I frightened a little mouse under her chair.
Morris, who is a cat and is (so to speak) the star of a cat-food advertising campaign, has edited (so to speak again) a book about cats and how to take care of them. Morris, who is an orange tabby cat, and his trainer, a man with a severe crew-cut, came to the city the other day to promote the book, so they invited people to come to Sardi's and ask questions and take pictures. Morris was placed on a table at one end of the room for all to see, and he licked his paws, rested his chin on his paws, half closed his eyes, moved one of his ears, moved both of his ears, lay down on his stomach, flicked his tail, and jumped off the table and tried to run away a few times.
“Is he drugged?” asked a woman, who later said that she is
very concerned about the treatment of cats in public life, is against cat shows, has five cats, and takes her cats to a cat dentist regularly.
very concerned about the treatment of cats in public life, is against cat shows, has five cats, and takes her cats to a cat dentist regularly.
“No,” said someone connected with Morris and his trainer. “People always ask that. But Morris doesn't have to be drugged. He's a real professional.”
“But isn't Morris dead?” asked another woman.
“Well, yes, but that was the other Morris,” answered the connection. “It's like a dynasty. Morris is dead. Long live Morris. This Morris was found in a cat shelter. He was a stray. This is the Morris that is now used in all the ads. But there are three more in reserve, in case he should suddenly drop dead.”
A grown man in a Kool-Aid-orange-and-white cat suit walked by. On his stomach, written in black letters, were the words “Personal Ambassador to Morris the Cat.”
“He looks highly flammable,” said a man.
“It's rough,” said a woman.
Morris left the room, presumably to eat a meal of fish, fish by-products, water, crab, shrimp, animal fat, wheat flour, dried yeast, dried whey, iron oxide, vitamin E, A, and niacin supplements, thiamin mononitrate, ethylenediamine dihydroiodide, calcium pantothenate, riboflavin supplement, vitamin D
3
supplement, and pyridoxine hydrochloride, which make up the contents of a six-and-a-half-ounce can of the brand of cat food that Morris represents.
3
supplement, and pyridoxine hydrochloride, which make up the contents of a six-and-a-half-ounce can of the brand of cat food that Morris represents.
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December 15, 1980
December 15, 1980
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PART ONE: It was noon, it was in the Terrace Room of the Plaza Hotel, there was Chris Evert Lloyd, the world-class women's tennis champion, there were some executives of an Italian sportswear company who had just flown in from Italy, there were lots of sports reporters from the electronic and print media, there was food (a buffet of beef bourguignonne, seafood crêpes, shrimps, rice, cold stringbeans, asparagus in prosciutto, and various French-related desserts), there were some tables, round, with white tablecloths, and on these tables there were some half-dead yellow mums.
“Chris,” a man said.
“Hi,” Chris said.
“I am sure these questions will be rather redundant to you,” said a newswoman. “But I am going to ask them anyway.”
“Will this five-year-exclusive contract interfere with your career?” a man asked.
“I am not doing much,” Chris answered.
“Do you foresee gradual retirement?” a man asked.
“I envision a family one day,” Chris answered.
“What were the factors involved in this decision for your career?” a man asked.
“How do you feel about Tracy Austin?” a woman asked.
“It's an Italian company,” Chris said. “I think those Italians really know what they are doing. I really have a good feel for things.”
A large, middle-aged, overweight man who had lost most of the hair on his head but had a nice bushy mustache played with the ends of his mustache as he asked the bartender for a Bloody Mary. Then, turning to his friends, four men who looked more or less like him, he said, “I think Oakland will beat the Giants.” Then he reached into a bowl that was filled with salted nuts and, taking a handful, put them all into his mouth at once.
A manâa man not referred to aboveâwent up to a lectern and said a few words about welcome, sportswear, a sportswear company, and Chris Evert Lloyd, in Italian-accented English. Another manâa man also not referred to aboveâthen joined him and said more words about welcome, a sportswear company, and Chris Evert Lloyd, in Italian, and the other man translated what he said into Italian-accented English.
Chris Evert Lloyd then joined the two men at the lectern. One of them gave her a dozen red roses. “I am really excited about wearing Ellesse clothes, because they are really beautiful,” she said. “I don't know if you've seen the line. They're
No. 1 in Europe, and I hope they'll be No. 1 in the U.S. It's the best. It deserves to be the best.”
No. 1 in Europe, and I hope they'll be No. 1 in the U.S. It's the best. It deserves to be the best.”
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PART Two: After reading the above, can you tell (a) that Chris Evert Lloyd, the world-class women's tennis champion, has just endorsed a line of sportswear manufactured by an Italian sportswear manufacturer? (b) how Chris Evert Lloyd feels about Tracy Austin? (c) whether most Italians speak English with an Italian accent or don't speak English at all? (d) if, according to United States government statistics, the large, middle-aged, overweight man will have a health problem soon? (e) if Chris Evert Lloyd can have visions? (f) what Chris Evert Lloyd means when she says, “I have a really good feel for things”? (g) if Chris Evert Lloyd trusts only Italian sportswear manufacturers, and not the average Italian walking down a street in Milan?
Would you have liked Chris Evert Lloyd more or less if she had been a geophysicist, a water tower, or an elephant hunted mercilessly for its valuable ivory tusks?
After reading the first paragraph, did you say to yourself, quietly or out loud, “Gee, wish I'd been there”?
If you were offered a large amount of money, would you refuse to endorse sportswear made in Italy?
If you were offered a large amount of money, would you refuse to endorse
anything
?
anything
?
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January 12, 1981
January 12, 1981
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I'm a career girl in a man's world.
I'm a career girl and I can make my own way.
I'm a career girl and I can make my own way.
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Go ahead baby, do your thing
Go ahead baby, do your thing.
Go ahead baby, do your thing.
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“Career Girl,” by Carrie Lucas
“Career Girl,” by Carrie Lucas
The Ford automobile heiresses Anne and Charlotte Ford have written a book about motorcars (though only Ford cars are featured in the drawings and photographs in the book), called
How to Love the Car in Your Life
. The book, which they wrote with the assistance of two professional writers, has fifty-nine pages and is unquestionably useful. It tells the reader what to do about backseat drivers, seating arrangements, conversation in the car, neatness, smoking, eating in the car, cats and dogs in the car, buying gasoline, opening the door for a woman, getting directions, travelling with children, entering the freeway,
pulling off the road. But perhaps the most useful thing about it is that it is a guide to what to say to Anne or Charlotte Ford at a party.
How to Love the Car in Your Life
. The book, which they wrote with the assistance of two professional writers, has fifty-nine pages and is unquestionably useful. It tells the reader what to do about backseat drivers, seating arrangements, conversation in the car, neatness, smoking, eating in the car, cats and dogs in the car, buying gasoline, opening the door for a woman, getting directions, travelling with children, entering the freeway,
pulling off the road. But perhaps the most useful thing about it is that it is a guide to what to say to Anne or Charlotte Ford at a party.
Guest to Anne or Charlotte Ford: “What is an automatic transaxle?”
Anne or Charlotte Ford to guest: “An automatic transaxle makes automatic shifting available in small front-wheel-drive cars equipped with transaxles.”
Guest to Anne or Charlotte Ford: “What is a dipstick?”
Anne or Charlotte Ford to guest: “A thin metal rod used to check an engine's oil level.”
Guest to Anne or Charlotte Ford: “What is a jack?”
Anne or Charlotte Ford to guest: “If you don't want to be your own demolition derby, it's important to know that proper positioning of the jack varies from car to car.”
The other day, the people at the Ford Motor Company threw a cocktail party for Anne and Charlotte Ford at the new Palace Hotel. Almost all the guests there looked as though they never drove themselves anywhere, or, if they did, they didn't actually have to. Anne, who studies political science at the New School, wore a short, snazzy-looking black dress. Charlotte, an acclaimed designer of women's clothing and the author of a book on etiquette, also wore a short, snazzy-looking black dress. Governor Carey was there, and as he stood between Anne and Charlotte Ford and posed for photographers he looked less like a governor, though not like a mayor. Former Mayor Wagner was there, and he looked like a mayor and a governor and a President all rolled into one.
Anne and Charlotte Ford's children were there, and they were very friendly. Anne Ford's piano teacher was there, and he was very nice and said a lot of nice things about her. About Charlotte Ford we heard a woman who is in the public-relations department of the Ford Motor Company say to the Ford account executive at the Wells, Rich, Greene ad agency, “Only you would appreciate this story of one-upmanship. The other day, I was up at Charlotte's apartment and we were going over the guest list. She came to Mary Wells' name and she said, âMy God! I've never met Mary Wells Lawrence.' And so I said, âWell, I have, ha, ha, ha.' Of course, you know Charlotte is very interested in women who make it on their own, and for that Mary Wells is the ultimate role model.”
Anne and Charlotte Ford's children were there, and they were very friendly. Anne Ford's piano teacher was there, and he was very nice and said a lot of nice things about her. About Charlotte Ford we heard a woman who is in the public-relations department of the Ford Motor Company say to the Ford account executive at the Wells, Rich, Greene ad agency, “Only you would appreciate this story of one-upmanship. The other day, I was up at Charlotte's apartment and we were going over the guest list. She came to Mary Wells' name and she said, âMy God! I've never met Mary Wells Lawrence.' And so I said, âWell, I have, ha, ha, ha.' Of course, you know Charlotte is very interested in women who make it on their own, and for that Mary Wells is the ultimate role model.”
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January 19, 1981
January 19, 1981
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Just before she left the house the other morning, said Letitia Baldridge, who has revised and expanded
The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette,
to a roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers, her husband said to her, “My God! Who would want to hear you at this hour?” Miss Baldridge, a large, pink-faced woman, said this with such comic skill that the whole roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers laughed extremely hard. Miss Baldridge told them that she went to Vassar, and received a B.A., but the funny thing about going to college was that when she graduated she couldn't type, she couldn't take shorthand, and she couldn't file. The roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers let that pass. Then, said Miss Baldridge, she went to work for Ambassador David Bruce and his wife, Evangeline, at the United States Embassy in Paris. Evangeline Bruce, she said, was an incredible woman, who could speak seven languages by the time she
was seventeen, cared very much about how a table looked, and would always take care of the table setting herself. But then once, for some reason or other, Miss Baldridge had to take care of the table setting all by herself. At this particular dinner, there were more men than women, so some of the men had to be seated next to each other. Well, when they all sat down, it turned out that Miss Baldridge had seated one of the top ambassadors next to his wife's lover, and, because the ambassador and his wife and his wife's lover were an open secret, everybody at the dinner almost passed out. And so did the roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers; again they laughed extremely hard. When something like this happens, she said, you don't cry about it, because then it only gets worse. After that, she told about working for Ambassadress Clare Boothe Luce, in Italy. This was soon after the Second World War, and what an experience
that
was! The Italians were so baroque, the dollar was tops, and the Luces were wonderful. Miss Baldridge, on the other hand, had her problems. There was the time she introduced the Pakistani Ambassador to a party of Italians as the Indian Ambassador. That didn't go down too well with the Pakistani Ambassador, naturally, but it got a big laugh from the roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers. And the time when, for the first dinner she organized, everything was whiteâeverything: the dishes, the soup, the wine. It wasn't funny then, but it got a big laugh now. And the time she served some Mormons a dinner they couldn't eat: the soup had sherry in it, and the fish had been cooked in white wine, the meat in red
wine, the dessert in cognac. It wasn't funny then, but it was sidesplitting now. Winding up, Miss Baldridge told about working for Tiffany's, and how once, for a display, she ordered some exotic birds, and how they escaped from their cage, causing near-havoc on the third floor, which was filled with fine crystal and china. For that, the roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers had lots of sharp intakes of breath. Miss Baldridge told about working in the White House for Mrs. Jacqueline Kennedy, and what a great decorator and restorer Mrs. Kennedy was, and how conscious of the tableware she was. The roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers emitted some “Ah!”s. Then Miss Baldridge said that it was a wonderful world and an affirmative world, and the roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers applauded wildly, as if they were surprised and grateful that someone could feel that way after a life filled with table settings.
The Amy Vanderbilt Complete Book of Etiquette,
to a roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers, her husband said to her, “My God! Who would want to hear you at this hour?” Miss Baldridge, a large, pink-faced woman, said this with such comic skill that the whole roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers laughed extremely hard. Miss Baldridge told them that she went to Vassar, and received a B.A., but the funny thing about going to college was that when she graduated she couldn't type, she couldn't take shorthand, and she couldn't file. The roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers let that pass. Then, said Miss Baldridge, she went to work for Ambassador David Bruce and his wife, Evangeline, at the United States Embassy in Paris. Evangeline Bruce, she said, was an incredible woman, who could speak seven languages by the time she
was seventeen, cared very much about how a table looked, and would always take care of the table setting herself. But then once, for some reason or other, Miss Baldridge had to take care of the table setting all by herself. At this particular dinner, there were more men than women, so some of the men had to be seated next to each other. Well, when they all sat down, it turned out that Miss Baldridge had seated one of the top ambassadors next to his wife's lover, and, because the ambassador and his wife and his wife's lover were an open secret, everybody at the dinner almost passed out. And so did the roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers; again they laughed extremely hard. When something like this happens, she said, you don't cry about it, because then it only gets worse. After that, she told about working for Ambassadress Clare Boothe Luce, in Italy. This was soon after the Second World War, and what an experience
that
was! The Italians were so baroque, the dollar was tops, and the Luces were wonderful. Miss Baldridge, on the other hand, had her problems. There was the time she introduced the Pakistani Ambassador to a party of Italians as the Indian Ambassador. That didn't go down too well with the Pakistani Ambassador, naturally, but it got a big laugh from the roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers. And the time when, for the first dinner she organized, everything was whiteâeverything: the dishes, the soup, the wine. It wasn't funny then, but it got a big laugh now. And the time she served some Mormons a dinner they couldn't eat: the soup had sherry in it, and the fish had been cooked in white wine, the meat in red
wine, the dessert in cognac. It wasn't funny then, but it was sidesplitting now. Winding up, Miss Baldridge told about working for Tiffany's, and how once, for a display, she ordered some exotic birds, and how they escaped from their cage, causing near-havoc on the third floor, which was filled with fine crystal and china. For that, the roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers had lots of sharp intakes of breath. Miss Baldridge told about working in the White House for Mrs. Jacqueline Kennedy, and what a great decorator and restorer Mrs. Kennedy was, and how conscious of the tableware she was. The roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers emitted some “Ah!”s. Then Miss Baldridge said that it was a wonderful world and an affirmative world, and the roomful of tableware manufacturers and merchandisers applauded wildly, as if they were surprised and grateful that someone could feel that way after a life filled with table settings.
â
January 26, 1981
January 26, 1981
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