Tattoo (10 page)

TWENTY

Lauren and I stayed a happy couple for almost a month. Some days weren't easy, like the day we packed up Sammie's room.

"We'll store it away until the next little girl we have,"  I told her.

Lauren smiled through her tears. She cried through most of the packing. I'd offered to do it myself, so she didn't have to put herself through it. But she insisted. She said she needed to say goodbye. I tried not to think about what we were doing. I had pushed my grief so far down after my whisky binge, so that I could keep Lauren. So that I could save us, the only thing I could save.

We were almost happy in our little apartment. I got my head straightened around in school and actually managed to have decent grades during my finals week at the end of November. Lauren was also applying to schools in the area for a degree to be determined later. We had goals and we had a new start to our life together. We spent a lot of time cuddling on the couch watching movies or watching the snow fall. We did our best to not think about what Sammie would be doing at almost two months old, the things she'd be learning. Once in a while one of us would slip up, and we would both know it. There would be a painful silence while we pictured her. It wasn't easy, but somehow we were finding our way through.

I came home from work late one night to find Lauren sitting on the bed, crying, holding the stitched back together teddy. I didn't even know she had kept the little guy. I hadn't seen her like this in such a long time, it was a shock, I almost panicked. I rushed over and sat on the edge of the bed next to her. I took her hands, they were shaking.

"What's the matter babe?" I asked. I couldn't keep the alarm out of my voice.

"I...I just can't deal with it anymore," she cried.

I assumed she meant Sammie and I nodded sympathetically. I knew that this would happen every once in a while, a break down. I hugged her tightly.

"It's going to be ok," I whispered.

"No, Eric, you don't understand! It's my fault we lost her, all mine! I can't take the guilt anymore!"

"You heard the doctor babe, what happened at the beginning of the pregnancy had nothing to do with losing her."

"No, Eric, it's not about that. I messed up my life and the world took her away from me!"

I was confused. I knew she was still hurting but she wasn't making any sense. 

"What do you mean?"

"Eric, did you ever wonder why we moved to this town? Why, in my senior year, my parents decided to change schools for me?"

I realized I hadn't wondered, not ever. I had just considered it a stroke of luck that she had, and that I had met her. I shook my head no.

"My ex-boyfriend called today. Somehow he knew I was pregnant. He told me I deserved this, I deserved to lose her. It was my punishment for what I did.  And he's right! I've known it all along, but I couldn't admit it, I didn't deserve to have something so wonderful."

Her whole body was trembling, even as I held on to her. I still didn't know what she was talking about. She just kept crying so I just kept holding her. When the worst of it seemed to be over, I pulled her away. 

I gently turned her face to mine. "Please, Lauren, tell me what happened."

She took a deep breath. "Please don't be mad at me."

I didn't like where it was going already. 

"My ex-boyfriend got me pregnant."

White hot anger exploded through me. Pregnant? PREGNANT? Was she fucking kidding?

"How could you not tell me?" I exploded at her.

"You don't understand!" she yelled back. Tears pouring out of her.

"Understand? Understand what? That we've been together all this time, gone through everything we've gone through and you kept this from me? I'm guessing you had an abortion."

It wasn't a question because I already knew the answer. She nodded her head yes.

"So here I am, a fucking idiot who believes that you were a virgin and really you were your town's slut! Is that right? Did I guess it?" I was glaring at her, hurting her with every word I threw at her.

"It's not like that!" she cried back.

"I don't even care what it was like. I don't give a fuck anymore. I've done everything possible for you, before the baby, after the baby. I gave up my friends, my dreams, my life! All for what? All for a lying slut who didn't even have to decency to tell me the truth! I've protected you and taken care of you, I'm such a goddamn idiot!" I stormed out of the room and grabbed my keys by the door.

When I left the apartment, I slammed the door so hard on my grand exit that I heard a picture crash to the floor. I pictured the glass shattering into a million pieces, crystal pieces scattering all across the floor.

I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to think? Everything felt like a lie. Every part of her that I thought was beautiful, seemed so fake. After everything we'd been through, after she told me for the past 11 months how much she loved me, how much she needed me, how could she have kept something so dark from me?

I paced the street, pissed and alone, wandering as far away as I could get. I couldn't get far enough away to feel like I could breathe again. So I did the only thing I knew would work. I stopped into a seedy store and bought my only friend. I kept him hidden until I got to the only spot I thought I could think things through. My sanctuary, my home.

The amber liquid slid down smoother this time around, as I sat in the dugout, staring at the empty field. The more liquor that poured down my throat, the more I imagined myself pitching up there on the mound again, just like I used to. Out of all the fields I played on, there was only one that ever felt like home to me, my high school field.  Which was ironic, because of how much I couldn't wait to get away from there. Now it felt like I couldn't wait to go back. Back to when my life was simpler. Where I had one goal in mind, and one thing I cared about. Back before a hook-up was good enough, and a joint could take my stress away. Back before I met Lauren. 

Lauren. My mind betrayed me as I pictured her, her dark hair tucked neatly under a baseball cap, her eyes intense, as she watched every pitch. She was so beautiful, always so proud of me. Rubbing her belly one night, she'd told me that during the games she would talk to Sammie, tell her what a great pitcher I was. She said she didn't care that people looked at her like she was crazy.

"I'm 18 and pregnant, what more can they say about me?" she'd laugh.

God that laugh, it would get me every time. She could make me go weak in the knees with that laugh. In spite of myself, I started to smile. Then quickly took another shot of whisky and wiped it away. I didn't care how beautiful she was, how much I would kill to hear her laugh, she lied to me. That was it, end of story. This was no small lie, like she didn't really like me in blue, but that she was pregnant before. Pregnant! I still couldn't believe it. And she'd let it go. It made sense why she'd been so adamant about keeping her, so scared about losing her, when I brought up abortion. She'd already been there, done that. 

As I sat and fumed, pouring one shot after another, it just didn't make sense to me. It seemed that I didn't know Lauren nearly as much as I thought I did. That fact smacked me in the face a few hours before, but still. Something weighed in the back of my mind. I liked to think I knew her at least a little. It just didn't seem like her. I know getting pregnant seemed to be her trend, but she just seemed so fragile, like something was a little off about the whole thing?

Or was this just me making excuses because I loved her so damn much. I couldn't figure it out and despite my best intentions, the booze wasn't helping. Maybe next time I'd pick something stronger. Next time, I laughed at the thought. Yea, I had a feeling with the way my life was going, there'd be plenty more next times. Was that the life I was willing to live? A life where I would be flying high on happiness one minute, and then drowning in a bottle the next? I'd drank plenty of times in my life, always with other people looking for the same escape I was. But this, drinking alone, miserable and hurt, this wasn't what I wanted.

I hung my head and stayed there for I don't even know how long, until I heard steps crunching on the dugout gravel.

"This is where I thought I'd find you," she said.

Her voice floated through my drunken haze, breaking down my wall. I looked over at her, a scowl burned into my face. I didn't want to look at her, but I couldn't seem to look away.

"What do you want?" I slurred out. I had tried to sound a lot more pissed than that, but I think I just sounded like an idiot.

"You have every right to hate me," she said.

I glared at her again. Well, duh, I had every right.

"But I just want you to know the truth."

"What's going to make it the truth this time?" I asked her, every word an effort to pronounce it correctly.

"Because, look at me," she said and spread out her arms. "I have no baby, I have no you, what else do I have to lose?" Her shoulders shook. She looked nervous, like I might say no. But I didn't have the strength, nor did I really want to. Despite my best intentions, I missed her already.

I scooted over on the dugout bench and she took a seat. She took a long deep breath.

"Yes, I was pregnant, but it wasn't what you think. I was with my ex-boyfriend, Jason, for two years at my other school. I certainly wasn't a popular girl, a book nerd was more like it. My boyfriend was just kind of an average guy, played basketball, got pretty ok grades. He was a good guy, a nice guy, until he wasn't," she sighed long and soft.

I had to admit, for my drunken state of mind, I had a lot of thoughts swirling around. My curiosity was peaked and I was definitely listening. My anger towards her was softening around its edges for her, but started to grow for whoever this ex-boyfriend was. If he did anything to hurt her, to lay one finger on her, I was going to hunt him down and kill him. 

"We were at a party one night and he got hammered. We had had sex plenty of times before," she stopped to steal a glance at me.

I couldn't help it, I winced. I didn't want to know.

"But at the party we got into a fight. I don't even remember what it was, probably something stupid. Anyway I was upstairs in my friends room, crying and being all pissed off at him, when he asked if he could talk to me. I agreed. He didn't have much talking in mind, all he wanted was to have sex. He was horny and drunk and I guess it seemed like his best idea. I didn't want to, though. I was still so pissed. So I told him no. He kept pushing and I kept refusing. Finally he pinned me down."

I suddenly got where her story was going, and it sobered me completely. 

"He raped you?" I asked. No slur left in my voice.

She nodded.

I jumped up, wobbled a little, damn whisky, and then steadied myself. "What's his name? I'm going to find him and kill him."

She grabbed my hand and pulled me back down. 

"I got pregnant. I was only 17 then, and I was even more terrified than I was this time around.  God, I can't believe I'm saying this time around, what am I, the most fertile woman in the world?" She laughed but it didn't reach her eyes.

"I wasn't ready, and I didn't want to have a baby that way. I broke up with Jason immediately but didn't tell anybody anything. I didn't think they'd believe me anyway. Jason was a good guy, a sweetheart. Who would believe a good guy is going to do that? But when I got pregnant, I had to tell my parents what had happened. My dad was furious of course, went to beat the crap out of him. He went over to his house and his parents got in a huge fight with my dad. It was such a mess."

"Then it got worse. He was already hanging out with a new girl who was at his house and heard the entire story and flipped out. She was so pissed I would make something like that up, she told the entire school that I was a slut and a liar. It got horrible for me and he didn't defend me at all. Of course he'd never admit what he did, he told everyone I was lying and I'd wanted it. So my parents packed us up and moved us away."