Tattoo (8 page)

SIXTEEN

Practices had been grueling, and our team wasn't great for fall ball. But I pushed myself harder than anyone on the team, probably harder than anyone on any of the teams we were playing. I needed to stand out. When I wasn't at practice, I was home with Lauren, who helped me with my school work. She was always willing to help, and I knew that was because she couldn't wait to get back to school herself. She was craving hitting the books and would spend most of her day looking up degrees and careers. She spent so much time picturing her life once she got to school, that sometimes, I would forget that she wasn't already living it. 

I knew she got bored at home alone, so I tried as hard as I could to spend time with her that didn't include my nose in a book. But I would be exhausted at the end of the day, somedays hardly even able to move. I had no idea how I would keep going once Sammie came, with no sleep and even more work to do. I was overwhelmed just thinking about it. But by October, Lauren's belly was a pumpkin and she couldn't wait for Sammie to make her appearance. She would bounce around the house, anxiety seeping out of her, ready to meet our baby girl. And on October 15th, she got her wish.

"Eric, Eric, wake up. It hurts."

"Huh?" I mumbled in my sleep. "I'm not hungry right now." She swatted at me.

"ERIC! I think she's coming!"

That got my attention. "Are you sure?" I asked, no sleep left in my voice.

"Yes, I'm pretty sure. I'm going to call my mom." She grabbed her phone and yelled in pain.

"How bout we call her from the car, ok, babe?" I was already up and in pants before Lauren even needed to be rolled out of the bed. I helped her up and got her some clothes. She dressed while I grabbed her hospital bag. We were the picture perfect pamphlet couple, wouldn't Dr. Charlie be proud? We had followed all the suggestions to the letter and we were ready to go in five minutes.

Lauren squeezed my hand as we drove down the darkened streets. She was calm, breathing measured breaths, where as I felt like a nervous disaster. I have no clue how she stayed so calm, how she could glance at me and smile. It was hard enough to drive the car and she had to push out a baby. I grabbed my phone and dialed her parents.

"We are on the way to the hospital, it's time," I told her groggy mother.

"We will meet you there!"she answered; suddenly alert and she clicked the phone off.

By the time we got to the hospital, I saw Lauren was starting to become a little shaky. 

"We got this, babe," I told her and kissed her forehead. 

I got out of my side of the car and helped her out of hers. It's not like in the movies where everyone comes running to you the moment the hospital doors slide open. Instead, I had to pull poor Lauren through the hospital, up to the front desk, where I had to interrupt a late-night receptionist from her tapping her nails and chatting on the phone. When I finally did get Miss Important's attention, she pointed to some wheel chairs and told me to wheel her to a different part of the hospital. I was about to tell her where she can shove those long fake nails, when Lauren grabbed my arm, hard.

"I don't think we have much time!" She screamed.

I placed her in a wheel chair and started rolling her down the hall, the correct one this time. This time we were met with an older, heavy set nurse with a calming smile. She took one look at Lauren and knew we weren't playing around.

"Oh sweetie, let's get you into a room, ok?" she said and patted Lauren's sweaty head.

The nurse told me she would get Lauren set up in the room and then come out and get me. Lauren and I nodded and she wheeled her towards her room.

"Oh, by the way, who is your doctor?" she asked before she closed the door.

"Dr. Charlie," I told her, noticing my own sheen of sweat on my forehead.

She nodded.  "You're in luck, she is on tonight and already here."

Lauren's family came rushing into the waiting room, another meeting in a hospital.

"They've already wheeled her into a room and are getting her set up. She said she'd come get me when they were ready."

Her mother was crying again, her dad looked in awe. I had no idea what I looked like, probably a mess. But I didn't have time to think about it because just then the nurse rushed back and grabbed my hand.

"Delivery is going faster than expected, we need you in scrubs and with your girls." She pulled me along, handing me papery blue scrubs to cover myself. I was practically running to keep up with her as I tried to get one leg in the pants, then the other. I made it back in time to hear the heart monitor start going wild. I looked at Dr. Charlie, I ran to Lauren and grabbed her hand.

"Heart rate is plummeting." I heard a new nurse say.

"The chord must be wrapped," Dr. Charlie said. "We need to get the baby out."

Lauren looked up at me, terrified. I had no comfort to offer, I was just as scared. I kissed her head and squeezed her hand. "It's going to be ok," I told her. She nodded.

"I have the head out but the chord is wrapped several times. There's no give, I can't get it off until she comes out. Lauren, I need you to push!" Dr. Charlie encouraged. 

It sounded ridiculous to hear encouragement when something was so wrong. But Lauren bore down and pushed. She breathed, screamed, pushed. The monitor let out a long beep and I looked up to see a flat line.

"The shoulders are stuck, I can't get them out. Lauren, I need you to stop pushing for a minute," Dr. Charlie told her. "I don't have time for a C-section, I'm going to have to break her collar bone and push on your stomach to free her."

The line stayed flat, the beeping didn't come back. I have no idea how long it took for Dr. Charlie to free Sammie, but it felt like only a second. "I've got her!" Dr. Charlie called and whisked her away.

"What's happening?" Lauren cried.

I looked around madly for someone to explain what was happening. But no one cared about us, all hands were on Sammie. Time escaped me again, but this time it seemed like hours before Dr. Charlie came back to us.

"The baby's cord was wrapped around her neck several times."

"Is she ok? Is Sammie ok?" Lauren screamed.

"Most cases when that happens, it doesn't affect the baby. But the cord was short and caused her hypoxia which cut off her oxygen. Because she got stuck, I couldn't get to her quickly enough. I'm so sorry. We lost her." Dr Charlie whispered.

My heart shattered into a million pieces. "Lost her? What do you mean you lost her?"

Lauren was already sobbing, primal guttural sounds that broke whatever was left of me inside. I began to sob.

"This is my fault, it's all my fault," Lauren wailed.

"No, it's not something we could have prevented."

Lauren continued to cry, I just sat there, my eyes wild, searching for an answer.

"But the beginning of my pregnancy..." every word was punctuated with sobs. Dr. Charlie interrupted her.

"No, what happened in the beginning of your pregnancy had nothing to do with what happened here. It's not something we can predict, it got wrapped around her while she twisted during labor. Again kids, I'm so, so sorry." Dr. Charlie patted Lauren's head and backed away from the hospital bed. A little pink bundle was brought over by the nurse.

"Do you want to hold her?" she asked Lauren. Lauren was still sobbing, completely unable to notice anything around her. But I nodded. I wanted to hold my baby girl.

They had cleaned her up and she was beautiful. She had Lauren's cute little nose and a full head of Lauren's dark hair. She only looked like she was sleeping. It was too much to handle, but I couldn't let her go. I handed her to Lauren but still kept my hand on her soft little skin. I would have traded my life in that moment just to hear her cry, to see her chest rise and fall. But instead, we had to say goodbye.  

Lauren's parents came in, tears streaked down their face. They already knew, I'm sure Dr. Charlie had told them. "Oh baby, oh Lauren." Her mother came over and hugged her little girl.  She kissed the top of Sammie's head.

"Can I hold her?" her father barely got out.

Lauren nodded and handed her over. Fresh tears streamed from everyone's eyes. I needed to get out. I needed to breathe.

"Excuse me," I said as I pushed out of the hospital room. I didn't even make it five steps down the hall before I shrank against the wall and fell to the floor. I was a heap of pain, my heart bleeding right onto the floor. My little girl was gone. Everything I'd been living for and working for for the last nine months was gone. My world was broken, unable to ever be repaired, shattered. I felt something poking my leg in my pocket and I reached in to grab it. 

My fingers brushed over the soft box as I pulled it out. I opened it and saw the diamond ring that I had planned to give Lauren. The last piece of the puzzle that would make her my family. I ran my fingers over it and looked at it sparkle in the lights. I snapped the box shut loudly and put it back in my pocket. Now wasn't the right time, I didn't know if there ever would be. I stood up from the wall and walked the short steps back to her room. I didn't know how I'd get on with the rest of my life, how I'd ever forget Sammie's little hands and pink bow of a mouth.  It was simple, I knew I never would. But I had Lauren and I needed her just like she needed me. So I opened her hospital door and picked up my baby girl one last time.

SEVENTEEN

The hospital never really gets dark, even in the dead of night. It also never gets really quiet.  There's always someone walking around, a nurse checking vitals or a custodian pushing his cart around. They sedated Lauren that night, she couldn't stop crying and shaking. As for me, I sat and stared, grateful that the hospital wasn't sleeping either. If it had been dark and quiet, I would have nothing to do but see Sammie's face, and that was something I just didn't want to do. 

The following morning was no easier than the previous night. Lauren had awakened from her sedated state, but she might as well have still been asleep. She didn't eat, or drink, or even speak. She stared at the TV, not recognizing anything at all. I alternated between staring at the TV, out the window, and at Lauren. If my heart could bleed anymore than it was already, watching her would have done it. 

Lauren's parents were not much above us, in the way of zombies. They were trying so damn hard to comfort us, to make us feel better. But there was just nothing they could say. What do you say to two kids who had no business being parents in the first place, but decided to anyway and lost the baby? Why do they say "lost" the baby, anyway? I didn't lose her. I knew right where she was. She was in a part of the hospital no one ever wanted to go, waiting for us to decide what to do with her little body. What would we do with the body anyway? Do we have a funeral and bury her? Where do people bury babies? It wouldn't be much of a funeral, not many people would probably show up for little Sammie, which infuriated me. A part of me thought it was my fault we lost her, a part that I didn't want to admit to myself. I'd been so scared of being a dad, had my fear been what caused the world to think I shouldn't have her?

These were the awful random streams of thought that ran through my head, one connecting only slightly to the other. They'd flit through my mind, then on to the next thought just as quickly. I couldn't keep them away. When Lauren slid into sleep that night, her dad asked me to take a walk. I stood up wordlessly and followed him in zombie status.

"Look son, I'm so sorry this happened to you guys. I know Sammie would have been incredibly loved no matter how scared you were."

I glanced at him, how did he know?

"Of course you were scared, so was I when I found out we were having Lauren. It's normal and nothing to be ashamed of. You didn't cause this to happen, neither did Lauren. And I know you are hurting so unbelievably much right now, hell we all are, I can't even imagine how bad it is for you and Lauren. But I need you to do something." He ran his hands through his hair and stopped walking. He looked at me, nothing but concern in his deep eyes. 

"I know you haven't given her the ring yet, and I'm sure you're going to hold onto it for a while now, which I expect and understand. But when I gave you my permission to marry her, you promised that you'd take care of her, never let anything hurt her, never let anything happen to her. I still need you to hold that promise."

I didn't understand. "What worse can happen?" I croaked out. My first words since they told us Sammie didn't make it.

"You might lose Lauren."

"What?" I still didn't understand. My brain was too fuzzy, too much on overload to comprehend what he was telling me.

"Lauren has a very painful past, I've told you that before. I still can't talk to you about it until she does, I promised her. But losing Sammie, I'm worried that it may cause her to break. I've already lost my granddaughter..." he paused and swallowed his tears. "But I cannot lose Lauren.  You need to help her through this, you are the only one that can."

This was the second time he had mentioned her past. The first time I didn't worry too much, but now? Now, I didn't know what to think. All I knew was, if it was really that painful then he was right. I'd lost Sammie, but I couldn't lose Lauren too. There was no way in hell I'd let that happen.

The next day when Lauren was being released from the hospital with a small bottle of sedatives and a note recommending she/we go to therapy, someone from the hospital staff came and asked what we wanted done with Sammie's little body. We hadn't talked about it yet, I didn't know what to say. I had said a few words to Lauren throughout the morning, trying to get her to speak, but as of yet, she hadn't. I didn't know anything she was thinking or feeling, so I didn't know how to answer. Lauren turned to look out the window.

"Cremate her," she whispered.

I looked at her in shock, God I hadn't realized how much I missed her voice.

"Are you sure?" I asked and took her hand.

She looked down at it, as if it was foreign to her, then up to my eyes, like she had forgotten I was there.

"I don't want her buried in some hole, all alone. She should be with us."

I nodded in agreement. The staff member took her orders and left the room. Lauren stood looking out the window for a very long time before she finally took her first steps toward the door.