Tattoos: A Novel (31 page)

If I’d ever worried that they wouldn’t have accepted him because he was from the Strip I was wrong. Jax was the perceived bad guy that most girls found irresistible. They’d all judged him by his edgy look, but nobody really had any idea who he was. Not like I did.
 

With so many people in the gym it didn’t take long for the space to heat up. I was glad that my dress was strapless. Jax peeled off his jacket and as soon as he did my eyes went to his tattoos. I grazed my fingers across his arms, remembering every brush stroke I’d used to re-create his tattoos on canvases.

“What are those from?” I asked, touching a Band Aid on the inside of his elbow. He had a matching strip on the opposite arm.

“Nothing, just scratches,” he said with a wave of his hand as if it didn’t matter. I tried to say something else, but he grabbed my arm and guided me to the dance floor before I could. The music cued up and was too loud to talk over. When it slowed down to a waltz Jax wrapped me in his embrace. I all but forgot about his Band Aids.

As we danced to the song Stay by Rihanna, Jax kept his hands at my waist, drawing me in so close that it took my breath away. He leaned in and planted a kiss just below my ear, then moved to the bare skin of my shoulder.

“I love you more than anything in the world Marilee,” he murmured against my shoulder. It sent tingles through my whole body. Hearing Jax declare his love for me never failed to make me go weak in the knees, but this time it did something else too. It made the already uncertainty I’d tried to push away, grow. It didn’t help that there was a note of desperation in his tone, something I’d never heard in his voice before.

“I love you too Jax. You’re the best part of everything in my life.”
 

Jax drew in a long inhalation. He pressed his lips to my temple, remaining there for longer than normal. As much as he was trying to make everything seem casual, it didn’t quite ring true. I knew him well enough to sense that no matter how perfect the night felt, something was wrong.
 

He suddenly dipped me in the middle of the song. More than startled, I snatched handfuls of his shirt to keep my balance. I didn’t really have to worry much since he’d been in complete control all the time. There was no way I was going to fall.

“The look on your face is priceless,” he said giving me his one dimpled grin. And just like that all the tension that he’d worn like a dark cloak moments before, vanished and he was just plain Jax.

“Well if you planned on scaring the crap out of me then you succeeded.” I giggled. I threaded my fingers into his hair, pulling his face closer to mine.
 

“I have to say this night is nothing short of perfect,” I said. Our lips came together and the kiss deepened until everything in the world fell away. In that moment in Jax’s arms, all the worry that I’d allowed to weigh me down was forgotten. The night was just the beginning of our happily-ever-after.
 

24. Marilee

I wasn’t sure if you could get chapped lips from kissing too much, but by the time prom was over, that whole theory was beginning to hold some water. I knew Jax and I, with our lips never more than an inch apart and our hands on each other every second, must have been nauseating to everyone else at the prom. I didn’t care. I’d waited my whole life to be a princess for a night, and with Jax as my prince every one of my dreams and expectations had been realized.

By the time we’d reached my house it was 1:00 a.m., relatively early for a prom night. Still, I was exhausted and Jax had a shift at Vinyl the next morning. I was so comfortable snuggled against his chest that I could have just as easily drifted off to sleep.

“I don’t want to go in,” I murmured, gazing out the window at my house. I wondered if Mom and Harold were still up waiting, or if they’d already gone to bed.

“I don’t want you to go in either,” Jax said against my hair. I turned to face him.

“Maybe I could sneak you in and…”
 

“You know I can’t,” Jax said, before I’d finished my thought.

I nodded, knowing he was right. He didn’t have a change of clothes for work not to mention that even though Mom and Harold liked Jax, they didn’t like him enough to condone him spending the night with me

“Some day I want to wake up in the morning in your arms, some day I want to make love to you,” I said, pushing a lock of his hair away from his face. I knew I should have felt embarrassed at being so brazen about making love to him, but I wasn’t. Jax and I had gone through too much not to be one hundred percent honest with each other. Though I’d known him less than a year, it was difficult to remember a time when he wasn’t in my life, as if everything before I’d met him hadn’t really mattered.
 

He stared at me unspeaking, weariness marking his expression. I wanted him to tell me he wanted to make love to me too, instead he tipped my face to his and grinned.

“You better get in there before Harold comes out and beats me with his iPhone for even thinking about deflowering his daughter.”

I broke into laughter since it was an ongoing joke between us, that Harold quite literally never let go of his iPhone. It was to the point that we wondered if he even held it in his hand when he went to the bathroom.
 

“Now, that might actually be worth seeing,” I said between laughs.
 

Still chuckling, Jax opened the door, unfolding his tall frame. As soon as he was out, he bowed as if he were a gentleman in a high court, and reached a hand out for mine.

“My lady,” he said in a fake British accent that was beyond horrible.

“My sir,” I said, falling into character.
 

I tried to curtsy, but the heel of my shoe caught in the grass and I tripped, falling headfirst into Jax. He caught me easily, then scooped me up into his arms. I felt like I was in the final scene of the classic movie An Officer and a Gentleman. I draped my arms around Jax’s neck exactly as Debra Winger had when Richard Gear had carried her through the factory. I’d watched the movie more times than I wanted since it was one of Mom’s all time favorites.

 
I nuzzled Jax’s neck, keeping the scent and feel of him locked in my mind, so I could remember him when I was alone in bed. We arrived at the door so much quicker than I’d wanted. I felt so safe in his arms, as if nothing could ever hurt us as long as we were together. He gently put me down, but didn’t take his hands off my waist, as if he couldn’t bare to let go of me; the feeling was mutual.

He released a long exhalation, scooping his fingers through his hair nervously.

His eyes drifted up to the sky. Even the stars seemed perfect points of light against a black velvet backdrop.

“I’ll never forget this night…or you Marilee. If you live to be one hundred..” he started to say.

“I want to live to be one hundred minus a day so I never have to spend a day without you,” I finished, amazed that he was quoting a verse that had stuck in my mind from the day Mom had read it to me.

“You’re a Winnie the Pooh fan?” I asked, shaking my head. I never imagined that Jax would have ever read a book by A.A. Milne, let alone remember a quote from Pooh.

He nodded. “Yeah, and if you tell anyone I’ll have to kill you,” he said with a wry grin.

“And there goes the 100 years minus the day…” I said.
 

Jax brushed my lips with his, and gave me one more long embrace.

“Goodbye Marilee,” he whispered.

 
He was moving down the walkway and to the limo before I could say anything else. He slipped inside the car and closed the door, waving as the car pulled away. If I hadn’t known better I could have sworn I’d seen tears in his eyes.

25. Jax

If I were a girl I knew I would have gone bonkers with excitement. The prom was every girl’s fantasy and more. For me there was nothing that made me as happy as seeing Marilee so relaxed, so normal, so utterly beautiful. She was beyond stunning, ethereal even. I couldn’t take my eyes off her. Her dress fit her perfectly, accentuating all the curves and contours of her form. The creamy skin of her bare shoulders begged to be kissed. It took quite an effort not to do just that. She smelled sweet, like lemon lollipops and her hair was swept up on top of her head leaving the length of her neck exposed and kissable.

The only thing that spoiled a moment of the night was when I glanced down at the corsage I’d given her, and was reminded of what the flowers meant. I shook my head and grabbed Marilee’s hand, leading her to the dance floor. As we danced, our bodies pressed close, there were a million things I wanted to say to her. I wanted to tell her why we couldn’t be together anymore, and how I would never love anyone like I did her. But I didn’t say any of it because I wanted her to have the prom she wanted. If anyone deserved to live in a dream world for a night it was Marilee. I vowed that no matter what tomorrow brought, tonight would be everything and more for her.

As we moved to the music, her head tucked beneath my chin as if we’d been made to fit together, I tried to chase all thoughts away and really exist only in the moment. For the most part I managed, a few times my mind drifted and I imagine her with someone else. Just the thought felt like a hot poker to the guts.

“I love you more than anything in the world Marilee,” I said, hoping that the grief that seemed to make even my bones hurt, didn’t come through my voice.

“I love you too Jax. You’re the best part of everything in my life.”
 

Her words were so poignant and cut so deep to my core, that I had to take a huge breath just to keep it together. And all the things that I didn’t want to think about like how Marilee and I didn’t have a future together, and that the prom was going to be the end for us, came crashing down on me like a tsunami.
 

I fought for control of my emotions. Thankfully I managed the impossible. Even so, I couldn’t help but wish that I didn’t have to end it with her. The last thing I ever wanted to do was leave her, but staying meant that she would suffer. I couldn’t let that happen. She’d dealt with so much pain and anguish in the past year that it wouldn’t have been fair to have it start all over again. I knew given the choice, Marilee would have stayed by my side but I wasn’t about to give her the option. What was wrong couldn’t be fixed by either of us.
 

When the dance was over and we were outside her house, I didn’t want to get out of the limo. And when she’d talked about making love to me I’d almost confessed everything to her because I knew what she’d wanted me to say, but I just couldn’t. If I’d told her what I really felt, that I’d dreamed of us together like that more times than I could count, it would have given her hope. Like a robot on autopilot I managed to get her to the door and say goodbye. But as soon as I had, whatever strength had got me through the evening was depleted. All I could do was retreat to the car.

Saying goodbye to anyone, especially to someone who seemed to have been created for you to love, was impossible to get perfect. I’d hoped I’d come close though.
 

“You can go,” I said to the limo driver. The car pulled away from the curb. I wanted to stare straight ahead, not show Marilee that I’d lost every ounce of composure I had, but I couldn’t resist one last look at her. Our eyes met and at first her expression said that she’d just had the most romantic night of her life. As I moved out of her line of vision I noticed her face fall, as if she knew something was wrong. It only made me feel worse.

“Good bye Marilee,” I choked out.
 

I pressed my face to the glass. I was in the house of grief looking out at the world that went on without me. The only problem was, I didn’t know if I’d ever manage to get out again.

26. Marilee

Most people didn’t show up for school the day after prom, it wasn’t really expected anyway. I’d had to go because being part of Prom committee, I’d had to help take down the decorations and clean up. I spent most of the morning helping to turn the gym from a winter wonderland to a gym again. I had to admit it was kind of depressing. Since Jax was working all day, I didn’t bother texting him. If I was being truthful I felt a little weirded out by the way he’d seemed to be crying when he’d driven away. But I’d convinced myself that it was just my imagination. I wasn’t going to let anything take me down from the high I was still riding from the night before.

After school I went home and passed out for a few hours. When I came around again it was already 5:30 p.m. Still on my bed, I reached for my phone and punched in Jax’s number. Instead of connecting I got an out-of-service recording. I tried again, checking that I’d plugged in the correct number. Once again I got the recording. After three more tries I had to concede that it wasn’t working. I tried to come up with a reasonable explanation, and decided that maybe he’d forgotten to top up his minutes or something like that. I often times forgot that Jax lived pay check to pay check, and that money wasn’t always as easily accessible as it was for me.

Famished, I went down to the kitchen to get something to eat. Mom and Harold were out as usual. I heated up a pizza pocket, poured a glass of milk and sat down at the black, granite topped island in the center of the kitchen. I tried to eat, but the more I thought about Jax the more my stomach roiled. Eventually I gave up and tossed the half-eaten food in the trash. Needing to be reminded of the perfection of the night before, I pulled the corsage from the fridge. I wanted to keep it as fresh as I could because I planned to have it preserved in wax so I would have it forever. I knew it cost a lot of money to have it done. The price was insignificant because it was a memory I wanted to cherish until the day I died.

I gazed down at the pretty blue flowers. Knowing Jax, there was more to the flowers than met the eye. I was sure that they’d meant something more to him. Just like his tattoos weren’t simply body art, the flowers weren’t just flowers. When I did an Internet search it didn’t take long to identify the tiny blossoms. When I did, it made the hair on the back of my neck stand on end. The disconnected phone meant so much more than it had before. The flowers were Forget-me-nots, the story behind them was
about a knight who had fallen into the water while picking the flowers for his lady, and before being swept away he’d shouted “Forget me not”.