Tattoos: A Novel (27 page)

  
I marched to the glass door. My spine was as straight as a poker as I feigned belonging there. I tried my security ID on the lock but as expected it didn’t work. The ICU really was like Fort Knox. I loosened my stance a little, trying to appear as relaxed as I could. If anyone caught on that I didn’t exactly belong there, I was sure to be tossed.
I pressed the red buzzer adjacent to the door and waited for someone to come. When I checked my watch I realized that it was already well after visiting hours. It was late enough that Gran would wonder about where I was. As soon as I thought about Gran my stomach twisted. The momentary focus I’d managed up until then, faded. Gran’s dark message played over and again in my mind and threatened to stop me in my tracks.

I shook the gloom and doom from my head, reminding myself that I wasn’t on some dumb ass prank, I was trying to see the girl I loved. The girl who for all I knew might have died while I sat idly by and waited for her deadbeat parents to arrive. I shook my head. Now wasn’t the time to collapse in on myself. If I did everything right I’d be able to see how she was doing.

 
I spotted a man dressed in mint colored scrubs who I assumed was a nurse, moving toward me. He had a blond comb over and a smooth face that said he wasn’t much older than me. His dark eyes studied me as he loped toward the door. I attempted to look innocent, maybe even relaxed, though my heart felt like it was beating outside of my chest. He slid his card through the reader on his side of the piece of glass that was the only thing keeping me from Marilee. The door glided open soundlessly.

“Thanks man,” I said.
 

Even before the guy said a word, I pushed my cart over the threshold. He had to sidestep quickly to avoid getting hit.

“In a bit of a hurry aren’t you?” he said.
 

My heart sank because I was sure he’d caught on to my deception. My only chance now was to draw back and be cool.
 

“Sorry, I’m running a little tight on time tonight,” I said, hoping to smooth over his ruffled feathers. He made a humph sound, then deserted me without a backward glance. I let out the breath I’d been holding. Getting inside was the first problem, the second was finding Marilee. I assumed it wouldn’t be as hard as getting in since the place where the patients were, was a huge room filled with beds with only curtains drawn between them for privacy. I pushed the cart down the long hall that led to the patients.
 

Along the way I passed a utility room then a storage room where all the supplies like dressing trays, intravenous bags, gloves and sterile supplies were kept. I chanced a look in the staff lounge as I went by and saw that there were three nurses inside, obviously on break.
 

Another sliding glass door, this one unlocked was the last barrier that I had to go through before I was almost home free. As I trundled down the hall, more flashes of Marilee raced through my mind. Less then twenty-four hours before the only thing we’d worried about was that we’d been caught kissing by the doctors on rounds. For good or bad, life could change on a dime and more times than not, it sucked when it did.
 

With the door open, the sounds of machines peeping, hissing and blipping filled the air. The people who did speak, did so in hushed voices. I was aware of the slight squeak of the cart wheels as I moved forward. I grabbed a few garbage bags and started to empty the full garbage cans that were abundant in the ward.

As I worked, I occasionally glanced up at nurses and doctors who moved like bees in a hive. For someone like me, the environment appeared chaotic, yet everyone seemed to know what they were doing. I pushed my cart forward, hyper-aware about staying out of the paths of the people, busy doing their jobs. Fresh drops of perspiration dripped down my temples and my breathing sped up again. Behind one of the curtains Marilee lay fighting for her life. Now that I was there just moments away from seeing her, I didn’t know if I had the courage to go through with it.

 
The few times that I’d floated to the ICU had shown me that I wasn’t cut out for that environment, where peoples lives were perilously close to the edge. Radiohead’s Creep started playing like a soundtrack in my mind and all I could think was just like the song said, I didn’t belong there and neither did Marilee.

“Jax?” As soon as I heard my name I froze, a full garbage bag locked in my fist. It took me a few seconds to recognise the voice. When I did, I felt a mix of relief and also irritation.

“Hello Mr. Lawrence,” I said, rotating to face him.
 

As soon as I laid eyes on him I forgot any animosity I’d held for him. How could I be pissed at someone who seemed so broken. His usual neatly combed hair was disheveled. Only half of his shirt was tucked into his pants that looked as crumpled as if he’d slept in them. His eyes were ringed with worry and dark circles that said he hadn’t slept in a long while. Witnessing his obvious distress drove a wedge through my resolve to keep it together. It meant that Marilee was even worse off than I’d expected.

“Where’s Marilee,” I said. The words coming out in a hiss of breath.

Harold drew in an extended sigh and shook his head.
 

“She’s over there,” he said pointing.
 

The curtain was pulled over so only the foot of the bed was visible. One pale foot that I immediately recognized as Marilee’s, poked out from beneath the thin sheet that covered her. I swallowed a few times, trying to keep my mind from spinning out of control, now wasn’t the time to lose it. I needed to see Marilee, hold her hand in mine. Then I could let go of all the emotions that had me strung tighter than the skin on a drum.

“What happened to her?” I asked. The words spilled out without me even trying.

Harold sighed again. He pushed his glasses up the bridge of his nose. Somehow he seemed even smaller than he had before.

“She’s had what was called a hypersensitive reaction to her chemotherapy. She went into an Anaphylactic shock and then her kidneys shut down. They have her on a machine to help her breathe but…” Harold’s voice broke and a tear rolled down his cheek. “They’re giving her a fifty-fifty shot, the next 24 hours are going to be what determines it all.”

The bottom seemed to drop out of my world.
 

“But why was she having chemo, she wasn’t supposed to start until after Christmas, we had plans and…” I knew I was blubbering but I couldn’t stop. I’d made it as far as I could without going stark raving mad. If I didn’t release some of my pent up feelings I was going to implode.

Harold ran a shaky hand through his thinning hair.

 
“Her counts were good and the doctor suggested that she start a new cycle.” He locked his eyes on mine. “She wanted to do it, get it over with. But instead of being a parent and deciding what was best for her, we just signed off on it and…” He dragged in a breath as if there wasn’t enough
 
oxygen in the atmosphere. “She’s here because Luanne and I were too busy with our lives to be there for her, and now I may never get the chance to make that up to her.”

I shook my head, unable to process what he was saying. Marilee was getting better, I’d seen that for myself. We were going to spend Christmas together at the apartment with Gran, Zeke, Max and maybe even Tazleo. This couldn’t be happening, people died from the disease not the cure, it was wrong.
 

“No,” I said.
 

I spun away from Harold and raced to Marilee’s bed. Though she was only a few feet from me, it felt like I was moving in slow motion. I heard the swish of my heart in my ears, the peeps of machines and my own ragged breaths. Then I was there, staring down at the one person in the world who I knew I couldn’t live without.

“Marilee,” I said.
 

The tears that I’d managed to hold back, broke free and sobs wracked my body. Her skin was so waxen and washed of color that she looked more like a doll than a living breathing human. Tubes and wires trailed from fingers, toes, arms and her chest. A thick tube was shoved between her perfect lips that were so soft when I’d kissed them.
 

Her chest rose and fell in a mechanical rhythm as the ventilator did the working of expanding and contracting Marilee’s lungs. I moved closer. Lying there she seemed so fragile, like if I touched her she might turn to powder in my hands. I felt a hand on my shoulder and realized that Harold had followed me. Curled up in a ball, asleep in a teal lounge chair, was Luanne.
 

If she hadn’t been camped out at Marilee’s bedside I might not have recognized her. Her face was conspicuously bereft of makeup, her hair was drawn back in a loose ponytail and she didn’t have even one piece of jewelry on. She wore a plain white t-shirt that looked like it must have belonged to Harold and stretchy black yoga pants. Oddly seeing her like that, a shadow of the peacock she usually was, made me feel a little better. Luanne did have a heart after all, it was too bad that Marilee had to almost die for her to find it.

Harold moved toward Luanne. He tapped her on the shoulder, her eyes fluttered open too quickly for her to have actually been asleep. Her eyes were red-rimmed and bloodshot and so puffy that it looked as if she’d been punched a few times. She blinked up at Harold then her gaze found me. As soon as she did, her face crumpled and she started to cry. Only unlike the dramatic Academy award worthy performances she’d usually put forth, these tears were real.

Luanne was on her feet in seconds. Before I knew what was happening I was in her arms, her head was almost level with mine. I held her stiffly, not able to comprehend what was going on. It was as if I’d gone to sleep and woken up in some alternative universe. Luanne kissed my cheek softly then took my hands in hers. She drew me closer to Marilee’s bed. I hadn’t realized until that moment that I’d actually been avoiding getting close to Marilee, as if being away from her would stop it from being real.

“Marilyn sweetie, Jax is here and he wants you to fight to get better…” Luanne said in a trembling voice that managed to gouge more strips of pain in my heart.

“Jax, tell her you’re here. Tell her that you want her to fight,” Luanne pleaded. She lifted Marilee’s hand gingerly, placing it in mine. Marilee’s hand was lifeless and too cool. I stared blankly at Luanne then Marilee.

“Tell her,” Luanne urged. She used the back of her hand, not a pretty colored tissue, to wipe the tears from her eyes.

“I…” I started to say but it was almost too much for me to get the words out. I needed all the air trapped in my lungs just to keep breathing.

“Tell her Jax, I’m begging you. Tell my daughter that she needs to come back to us. She loves you, she’ll listen to you, please Jax. I’ll never ask you to do another thing. Help Marilyn find her way back to us.”
 

Luanne’s hand was like a vise around my wrist as if she were using me as an anchor. I didn’t know if I had the strength to do what she wanted me to. How could I bring Marilee back? I wasn’t God, I was just me, a helpless human.

 
Then everything that had happened from the day that I’d pulled the Tower tarot card, meeting Marilee, the Peace Project, the night in the bar, Gran’s ominous message, ran like a movie through my mind until it stopped on the words I’d said to Marilee not too long before.

“Come back to me Marilee, you’re part of my story. Now and forever,” I said.
 

I felt of rush of energy surge through me as if I’d been electrified from the inside. I felt pressure on the top of my head like someone was squeezing my skull. An explosion of heat made the skin on my body burn. Whatever had started in my head traveled through my body, down my legs, up my spine as if a live wire was working its way through me, until finally all the energy came together. It surged down my right hand, the one that was still holding
Marilee’s. The energy felt like it drained out of me and if it was even possible, moved into Marilee.
 

Stunned, I let go of her hand and staggered back, suddenly too weak to even stand. I reached for the chair that Luanne had been sitting in and just managed to sit down before the darkness took me. I blacked out.

20. Marilee

 
I could hear Mom and Harold’s voice and so many other unfamiliar sounds, but I couldn’t seem to open my eyes. I wanted to tell them I was okay and that I would wake up soon because they were all so worried. I didn’t want them to suffer because of me. I wasn’t sure what had actually happened to me. I knew that everything had seemed to be going fine with my chemotherapy for the first few minutes, but then something had gone terribly wrong. It had all happened so fast that I didn’t have time to call for help, or tell someone that it didn’t feel like the last time.

Now I was trapped. I didn’t know when, or if ever, I was going to get out. I wanted Jax. Even if I couldn’t see him, I wanted to hear his voice. I wanted him to sing to me just like he had that night. I wanted to live. There were so many things left to do, like spend Christmas with Jax and his Gran and give Jax his present. All the hours I’d spent putting his Christmas gift together couldn’t just go to waste, it wasn’t fair. But I guessed life wasn’t always fair. Then I heard it, the one sound that I knew would lead me out of the tunnel I was trapped in.

“Come back to me Marilee, you’re part of my story. Now and forever.”
 

My body suddenly felt lighter like I was floating on air. For a moment I wondered if I’d died and my spirit had left my body like I’d seen on television shows. After some time had passed and I wasn’t staring down at my inert form, I figured I hadn’t died after all. I knew something had happened all the same.
 

The scent of Jax’s cologne flooded my senses, blocking out all the other unfamiliar smells that surrounded me. I knew he was close by. I imagined reaching for him, opening my eyes and seeing him. I wanted to be released from the prison I was in. But nothing worked, I was trapped.