Teaching Roman (15 page)

“No doubt,” I said, shaking my head. “Keep an eye on Cassie.”

Roman slung his arm over my shoulder as we stepped into the cool, night air. The sky was inky black, no stars in sight thanks to the cloud cover shedding a light mist all around us.

“I always feel like a vegetable when it rains like this,” I confided to Roman.

“A vegetable?” he repeated with a laugh, pulling me closer to him.

“Like in the grocery store,” I continued. “They have those vegetable misters that keep the produce fresh.”

“You’re much prettier than a carrot.” He dipped his head and kissed me swiftly. “And sweeter, too.”

I relaxed in his embrace as we headed toward his apartment. I didn’t even mind that it was raining, not with him by my side. Despite the stress of upcoming finals and MCATs, life felt less hectic than usual. Roman had become the constant that I could look forward to after classes and study sessions. It was a nice change of pace.

Stopping on the sidewalk near the dock, I turned into him, lifting my face to his in invitation. He accepted, slanting his mouth over mine and kissing me deeply. My lips parted in welcome and his tongue flicked across my own, sending sparks of desire ricocheting through me. I would never get enough of him. Of this. Of us.

He pressed closer to me as if sensing my thoughts. Our bodies tangled under the starless sky, fighting to be closer together.

“What the hell, Jess?”

We startled apart, Roman’s hand steadying me as I stumbled over the uneven path. It hovered over the small of my back reassuringly as my gaze landed on Brett.

“This is why you said no,” Brett spat at me. “Christ, did you bring him back from Mexico?”

Roman stiffened beside me, and I held up a hand in warning. “My life isn’t your business anymore, Brett.”

“You’re Brett?” Roman asked, running his eyes up and down my ex-boyfriend. “Huh.”

“Now what does that mean?” Brett demanded. “Have you been talking about me, Jess? Miss me?”

“It’s over, Brett.” I spoke in slow, careful words. “Go home.”

“You know what’s funny,” Brett continued, ignoring my warning, “I never go to Garrett’s, because I’m avoiding you, and the one night my buddies talk me into it, you’re here. With him.”

“I’m sorry. I didn’t know you were there.” The rain had picked up now. The drops hit my face and streaked cold down my cheeks like forgotten tears.

“Like hell you didn’t.” Brett stepped closer to me.

Tugging at Roman’s hand, I urged him along, eager to get away from the scene Brett was making.

“The important thing is that I saw you and your boyfriend,” Brett called after me. “I had to ask around a little bit, but you can guess how surprised I was when I found out he’s a professor.”

I froze in my tracks. Now didn’t seem like a good time to correct him. Roman might not actually be a professor but our relationship didn’t exactly meet university policy.

Wheeling around, I turned on him. “What do you want?”

“To talk.” Brett held his hands up innocently, but I wasn’t buying his act.

“I’ll think about it,” I said. “Good night.”

This time I didn’t take Roman’s hand. I didn’t want him to feel it shaking. It took me a few minutes to realize that he wasn’t leading me to his apartment anymore. I didn’t object when we reached the stairs to my place.

“Maybe it would be better...” Roman let the suggestion trail away, but I knew where he was headed with it.

I nodded. “Let me talk to him.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea?” A look of concern shone in his dark eyes. “He seemed unstable.”

“He’s just upset,” I assured him. “Believe me, Brett is pretty much no bark, no bite.”

Roman opened his mouth like he was going to argue with this, but kissed me instead. “Take one of the girls with you.”

I agreed, fingers crossed behind my back. If I was going to face Brett, I needed to do it alone. I’d never come clean to my best friends about his proposal. I still wasn’t sure why. Maybe facing Brett one last time was just what I needed to stop feeling guilty about my slightly against the rules relationship with Roman.

Of course, it would probably leave me feeling pretty guilty about dumping Brett. Unless he acted like he had tonight. Then it would be easy to walk away without regret. A girl could hope.

Then again, I knew to be careful what I wished for.

I
agreed to meet Brett alone at Coffee & Cream despite Cassie and Jillian’s protests. Although I took their advice and suggested a public place. I’d never thought of Brett as dangerous. I still didn’t. But he had lost his temper at the apartment, and I couldn’t guarantee that he wouldn’t get as angry with me as he had with Roman. As soon as I walked through the doors and spotted him waiting for me inside, my confidence vanished. I’d promised Brett that we could talk before I left for Mexico, but I’d been avoiding him ever since. He knew that and now that he’d seen me with Roman, he knew why.

He shoved a drink at me as soon as I sat down across from him.

“Chai,” he said.

It was my special drink—the one I reserved for a pick-me-up on bad days. Of course, Brett would know that after dating for a year, but the simple gesture made me feel even worse. Despite knowing I’d moved on, it was clear he hadn’t, and if the chai was any indication, he was still holding out hope.

Brett didn’t look up from the table, but his fists balled as he spoke. “Tell me the truth, Jess. Have you been screwing around with him the whole time?”

I wanted to say no. I wanted to say a lot of things, but I was torn between not wanting to hurt him anymore than I already had and wanting to let him have it. Part of me wanted to inform Brett that he didn’t own me, but I knew that had a lot more to do with the guilt tumbling through me.

“I should have been upfront with you,” I admitted.

“Yeah. I had no idea you were fucking your profs to maintain your GPA,” Brett said loudly, causing more than a few heads to swivel toward our table. “Let me know how that works out in med school.”

“Nothing happened between Roman and I until after we broke up, so stop insinuating that I’m a slut.”

“I never said you were a slut,” Brett interjected. “But you’re being stupid. We had something together. You’re not going to find someone with a five year plan as compatible to your career goals as me. You still have a year of school left. That’s plenty of time to clean up your little mess and plan a wedding before you start med school.”

I stood up so quickly that my chair clattered to the floor behind me. “I should have told you before that there was no way in hell I would ever marry you, but since I was trying to be gentle then, let me make it clear now. You can take your ring and shove it up your uptight ass.”

Brett’s jaw clenched and he jumped to his feet, getting in my face. “If you think this is where it ends, you’re wrong. Ever hear of the Code of Ethics?”

Fuck. I had indeed heard of it, and Brett knew it, because I’d sat on the Student Ethics Committee last year. It was Olympic State’s personal court system and it covered everything from roommate quarrels to fist fights to plagiarism. In all the time I’d served, there had never been anything as juicy as a faculty-student affair, and if Brett had his way, he’d be dragging me in front of the SEC to prove his point.

“I’m sorry, Brett. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean to fall in love with him,” I whispered, even though I knew it was too little too late.

“Love?” He laughed, but it was hollow and unamused.

“Yes.” If I could make him see that, maybe he could move on and let this go. “I love him, and—”

“Stop right there,” he said. “Don’t give me a line about how happy you are and how I’ll find someone. You were supposed to love me, Jess. Even if we were on a break. You don’t go from being in a committed relationship to cheating in less than a week unless you’re a liar.”

“We broke up,” I reminded him, but it sounded like an excuse, even to me. I hadn’t found a rebound guy, I’d fallen in love. Brett was right. If I had loved Brett, I wouldn’t have done that.

“It doesn’t matter.” Brett stepped away from me, shoving his hands in his pockets. “I already contacted the SEC. Apparently they have no jurisdiction over faculty.”

My shoulders slumped. He’d been trying to scare me—and it had worked.

“They sent my complaint to the communications department. But the SEC is looking into whether or not it’s within their purview to reprimand a student for such a relationship. You used to sit on the committee, what do you think?”

“Congratulations, Brett. You’ve fucked me over. Does it make you feel better?” I asked, grabbing for my bag.

“It does,” he said, but I ignored him and made a beeline for the door. “Say hi to your boyfriend for me.”

I flipped him off as I pushed open the exit, and dug around for my phone. I had to warn Roman. We’d agreed to keep our distance until Brett cooled down and Roman had officially graduated. After Brett’s confrontation, it seemed like the safest thing.  But when I hit the wake button, there was already a message waiting for me.

ROMAN:
I need to see you asap
.

Something told me that I was too late to warn him.

The communications department was nearly deserted when I braved entry. Steeling myself, I silently repeated Cassie’s mantra.

I am a badass. I deserve better. I will demand more.

It was easier thought than believed.

Knocking on Roman’s door, I waited with my heart in my throat for him to answer, but when he did, he didn’t look happy to see me. He waved for me to enter quickly and when he shut the door, I knew it was going to be bad. His office was in bad shape. Stacks of ungraded papers, a box of books on the floor. He was always a little messy, but this was different. There was a recklessness in the air like he had given up. It was clear from the circles under his eyes that he hadn’t been sleeping. Maybe I wasn’t the only one taking this time apart poorly.

“I just came from a meeting with the dean,” he said.

Uh-oh.

“Brett tattled,” I told him. “I should have known he’d be a petty asshat about it.”

“I can’t say that I blame him exactly.” Roman tugged at his top button until it popped open.

“What did the department chair say?” I asked in a small voice.

“He reminded me that Olympic State has an ethical duty to ensure students receive a top education, and that a sexual relationship with a student undermined that responsibility.”

“A sexual relationship
?” Just repeating it made me wince.

“It’s an apt enough description,” he said.

If the department chair’s comment had hurt, Roman’s remark sliced to the bone. “I guess I thought that we had more than a sexual relationship.”

“I didn’t feel like it was the appropriate time to correct him.” His lips pressed into a tight line.

“You’re the one who called it an ‘apt description.’” My words dripped venom, and if I was being honest, I hoped it would sting half as much as his careless remark had.

Roman's fist smashed into the wall and I shrank back. He drew it back, rubbing his knuckles and growled.

"Sorry, Jess," he said. "But this is about more than a job for me. If I'm dismissed as a PhD candidate here, I won't be able to hide why from other schools. I'm totally screwed. Four years of coursework down the drain.”

"What will it take to clear your name?" I asked him. The pit in my stomach grew larger as I stared at him, feeling helpless and unwanted at the same time.

"I don't know," he said in a low voice. His fingers pinched the bridge of his nose as he dropped down in his office chair. "If you weren't a student...”

I swallowed hard on what he was telling me. The only way to avoid destroying his reputation was if one of us left Olympic State. Considering that he was already under suspicion, I knew it would make him look guilty if he was the one to leave. "I'll transfer," I said. "The University of Washington is only an hour away and I'm sure I could get in."

Roman looked up, startled by my invitation. "Absolutely not. There's no way you're giving up everything you worked for because I couldn't keep my pants zipped."

"That!" I screamed, unable to stop the anger from spilling out. "When you say things like that, I feel like you actually took advantage of me. Newsflash: I'm twenty-two years old. I have a 3.9 GPA and I'm about to ace my goddamn MCATs. I'm not some child that you pressured to sleep with you. You are four years older than me, Roman."

"I'm sorry." His hand reached toward mine, but I pulled it back. The last thing I needed was for him to condescend to me right now.

"When we were in Mexico you treated me like your equal. Now I don't know what I am to you." I choked on the last word, barely able to hold back the tears mounting in my throat.

"You are my equal, Jessica." He stood and stepped toward me, but I backed away. He didn't relent, instead he kept coming toward me until I was pressed against the wall. He dropped down so that his mouth was hovering over me. "When my department chair came in here, I realized how it looked to everyone else. You can't deny what other people are going to think about us. It's a big joke to your friends, but what's your sister going to say?"

"I doubt she'd care." I turned my face away from him, unable to meet his eyes.

"Don't." His finger pushed my chin toward him, forcing me to see the pain reflected in his eyes.

"You're right," I said, pushing out from under his arm. "We should never have done this."

Fleeing the room before I broke down in front of him, I made it outside before the tears started. Cassie was right—we’d made a lot of bad decisions in Mexico.

The worst one I made was falling in love.

T
he letter from the SEC arrived the next day. I found it, placed ominously on the bar, as soon as I walked into our apartment. Jills was on the couch, pretending to be absorbed in a psych book. I say pretending, because there was no way she was actually reading.

There was no doubt what that letter was thanks to the bold, bright logo of the Student Ethics Committee stamped on the front. I picked it up, but my fingers trembled too much for me to open it. Instead I fanned myself with it, leaning back against the counter.