Tears of Leyden (13 page)

Chapter 19

I sit at the table before the warm stove, waiting for Nadeje to return. I can’t help but feel ignored and unwanted, even though I know he is out to scorn himself. Yet, as it darkens, it is harder to pay attention to my book and easier to suspect his return at any given sound, and his further absence to be his resentment towards me now. I sigh and try to keep my eyes on the page, but my mind has other plans of wandering elsewhere.

Finally, it is dark and I am worried. I force my eyes to the page even as they sting and beg otherwise from either tire or tears. I go with the first. I listen to every footstep outside waiting to hear one stop at the door.

Finally, I hear him. I feel some inner release as he enters, but I don’t see him from my place. Then he is there, in the doorway. I look up and I observe his state; he does not seem drunk, there is no force behind his stance, his dress is as before, and he seems to be mild in temper. O
f course he isn’t in worse states, he is your Nadeje
. I feel relieved and curse myself as the thought enters me.

I remember that he most likely has not eaten since his leave, and I am thankful that I cooked something while I was alone.

I meet his eyes. They watch me resolutely, determinedly, with less relaxed emotion than before, though they are less regretful. I wish though, that the calming nature in them would also return. I glance at the page number, than set aside the book and look to him again, hoping that he cannot see the happy shine in my eyes.

“Have you eaten?” I ask gently. It surprises me that I am able to make sound come out so soon.

He watches me a second longer before he seems to come back to the material world. “No…are you hungry?”

I motion to the stove. “The food should be warm. I have not yet eaten dinner.”

He nods, then steps towards my room…
his
room…our room?

I feel a twinge in in my heart and wrench myself from the thought. Moeder would be turning in her grave.

He enters silently, and closes the door behind him. I am a bit disordered by his actions, but I stand and put my book on a nearby shelf and begin to take care of the food.

I made beans and rice, and decided to spare the meat for tomorrow, unsure if it is best to go to the market if we were named marks of these unheard of intentions. I set the table, and rinse my hands for eating. I am arranging the napkins when the door opens. I look up. Nadeje enters in different attire. It seems he has wash-clothed down, and I can’t help but let my eyes linger a little longer on him.

I serve myself and sit down and wait for him. When he sits I swallow and hold my tongue as the questions want to babble out of me. We sit here eating for at least a reasonable amount of time before I retry.

“Nadeje?” It comes out softly.

He looks at me.

“What…did they mean by
intentions
?”

His eyes darken a bit and I feel as though I just reopened a forgotten wound. “They…it is the planning of the King.”

I watch him, sure there is more. “For?”

He looks at me across the table unhappily. “He is just…wants to take you under his control for…something. As I told you I don’t rightly know why I am housing you here yet. My reasons have nothing to do with it. If it wasn’t for the reason of the hierarchy then you wouldn’t be with me at all. By the way they spoke today, I am starting to feel that he has plans…to use you as bait…whatever the reasons may be.”

I stare at him in alarm. I am shocked, the food smells nothing like it did before and I feel sick. I feel only anger and fear as I realize his fault. “You left me alone when you knew…after you turned them away? After he could find out you went against him?” My voice is hurt but harsh. I know I am being cruel considering, but how can I help it?

“I was closer than you think,” he argues gently.

I feel hurt. “How am I supposed to know that? You left me without any indication of where you were…”

“Ms. Thimlet, I was looking for signs that the men who visited here to investigate spoke truth about the matter…”

I frown. “You didn’t even try to warn me that I was…possibly…”

“Because I knew if I told you it would have left you in misery and it would have been no better than it was.”

His voice is calm but it is not what rests my case; it is that I know he is right.

I feel my blush return and angrily look down. To imagine that I thought anxiously for
him
all this time makes me feel more so embarrassed. I feel overheated. “I…I just didn’t know how to get you if they…”

He watches me, but I don’t go on. “I know I should’ve assured you…I just couldn’t think of how to start…” He sighs. “Start taking care of the situation.”

I stir my beans into my rice and then swallow dryly. “I…understand.”

I feel his eyes on me and irritated I look up. “Why aren’t there others?” The question escapes me.

He looks at me uncertainly.

“When you brought me here you said, ‘help as many as I can’. Why am I the only one?”

He looks at me deeply. “I feel your condition is too complicated to involve more.”

I feel that there is more for him to tell me. “Is that all?”

He looks at me questioningly.

“I mean…your only reason is that my problem is too complex and that it is therefore too dangerous to have any others?”

He is firm. “It was given to me as a job of honor and for my duty to the throne.”

I swallow. “None other reasons you can think of?”

There is a little glimmer in his eyes and I can hear the soft quality in his voice. “Is there more?”

I watch him. “Is there?”

He observes me. “Are you asking?”

I nod.

He sits up straighter. “There are other reasons…but mostly it is because I feel deeply.”

I am left hanging, halfheartedly wanting more, the other half shouting logic at me.
What did he mean by ‘feel deeply’? About me, for me, with me…or was it merely for everyone?

I watch him. “You have a large variety of meanings.”

His eyes are full of something I cannot read. “Definition is not one of my strong points while eating.”

I swallow then once more begin eating, though this time, the food tastes too bland.

When finished, we soak our dishes in the washbasin for overnight. I decide to let Nadeje take care of the stove and other smaller tasks and head for bed. I am half way there, when I stop.

I feel deeply…
The words mark my heart like ink on white parchment.

I shouldn’t…or…
Dizziness overwhelms me, but I refuse to surrender to it and push it aside as I have done countless times with more serious ailments. I swear the wood in front of me in the door is swirling in patterns. Again I push aside the fear.

“Nadeje,” I hear him turn. “What did you mean?”

It is quiet a moment. Then I hear him start closer. I feel my heart beating fast and my stomach flutters beyond any control.

“You may find my definition closer to a demonstration…” His voice is warm and smooth.

I swallow. “Define to me,” I request.

He pauses a moment then speaks softly to me. “Turn.”

I breathe in a little taking one last look at the moving wood. Slowly I do, and as I move, his hands carefully run up and find my face. He cups it gently, his hands settled over the undersides of my jaw. I feel my heart waver and warmth grows where I feel the smooth pressure of his skin along my cheeks. My legs numb but everything else seems to blossom with warmth as he nears. I am lost, unable to feel anything but his hands.

He tilts my face up a bit and I flush feeling the cold prickles creep back into my heart. He seems to sense it and softens further. As he does, something in his eyes, that soothing calm nature, returns and flickers to life beneath the clear surface. He is soft. “Trust me.”

I feel a hush of all undesirous emotions end the pain inside me with those two words.

I do.

My eyes close.

His nose slides down mine, tickling me with its light trail. He breathes one last breath, as though knowing the weight of this, as though knowing I felt the same about how close we are to it, as though feeling the way I do. We are about to break the law, two of the strongest laws of companionship, but we both seem to feel the same way about it.
We feel deeply.

He dips his head a little bit more and amidst all chaos our lips touch. He gently remains, perhaps not wanting to worry me. Then he tenderly presses his lips to mine and heedfully brings me closer. I let him, letting all exhaustion go and relaxing in his arms. I am lost as his lips begin to move. I weaken, growing longing-full and completely soothed as he enraptures me. I feel dizzy, delusional, and needful. I want it to be endless, eternal, forever as he wraps me close to him, shielding me from exposure to danger.

I wonder if I am his first kiss, and can’t help but grow a little envious of any other woman who might have been allured by him. I kiss him back, indicating my reliance and devotion to this place in his arms. I dependently hold to him and feel our warmth soak into one another. He grips me to him and I feel oddly in a place where I have been deprived from being for far too long. I feel nurtured and cherished inside as he cradles me in his embrace. Slowly, he gentles and lulls me into a quieter and more soothing interaction. I feel eased. He temperately tells me of his finish with a brief pause, and releases my mouth.

I am unsure of how to be. I look up into his eyes and blush, cursing my smile as I drop my gaze down. He gently encourages me to confront his fervent eyes, and when I do I am immersed in his expression. He examines me, searching me to make sure nothing unwanted has been done. He seems to find nothing, as I hoped.

“Was my definition sufficient?”

I blush and try not to smile too much. I nod.

He smiles a little and envelopes me. “Let me enunciate the point.”

I am undoubtedly altered as he gently nuzzles me. I smile then slowly venture further.

“Kiss me,” I request in a whisper.

He slowly kisses my shoulder.

“Feel my hair…”

His hand obediently combs down to my neck where it presses dearly.

I slowly peek up from his jaw. “Define love.”

He smiles a little and brings me tightly against him. “Some other time.”

I implore. “Why?”

I hear the warm smile in his voice. “Because you need to sleep. You are tired.”

I argue otherwise. “No, I’m not.”

He smiles and chuckles against me. “Your argument is useless.”

I do not fight it, I know it is true.

He lets go but I remain rested longer. He gently pulls me off and dips his face to linger lovably along mine.

I blush but do not hide as I love the attention. His eyes I find in a few moments, as mine open, watching mine devotedly. He smiles and slowly brings me back close and against his assuring figure. Here I rest, my eyes closed and all senses dimmed with the assurance of safety. I cherish the moment.

Soon, I let his order process. I sink further and I know I should let him follow his proposal. He must feel it.

“Goodnight,” he murmurs.

I wait, just a second longer than needed. “Night.”

He lets go and cordially pulls me out of my burrow in his chest. I look up, and quite unexpectedly begin to shy. I feel embarrassed but utterly care free of the embarrassment. Yet, I shy further. I let his command win and draw back to go into the bedroom.

Chapter 20

The next morning I stand wiping my face by the window, looking for nothing but something in the road. It is early, possibly close to 7 o’clock, but I decided upon an early bath rather than an evening. I step over to the bed and comb through my wet tangles, setting my dirty clothes down at the foot of the dresser. I turn back to make the bed and sigh, finally accepting it and letting all the thoughts come.

I have been desperately trying to distract myself, so that I wouldn’t think of the treasurable interactions we shared last evening, but I knew I couldn’t keep it locked up forever.

It went by so swiftly, I hardly remember what his lips felt like against mine. Though faintly I still do, and the secure pressure of his arms around me.

Nadeje.

I remember the warmth of his face along mine and smile a little. I blush remembering my stupid lovesick murmurs in the end and can’t promptly continue folding the blanket as I try not to think of how embarrassing those last moments were. I cherish them.

Then I fold the last sheet over.
Was there anything more to fix?
No.
Did I want something to keep me longer?
Yes.

I purse my lips and giddily try to keep myself from knowing my true delight to be situated with him again. I feel my heart skip around and try to focus my attention on the present before I lose it completely. Holding in another smile, I make my way to the door.

I hesitate when I reach it…
Would he regret it?

I listen for any sign of him fretting over something like this.
None.

I feel my body grow shivery and battle off the nerves. I slowly open the door. Nadeje sits at the table, reading through letters and not hearing. I close the door behind me and turn. He lifts his gaze to me and I already feel a blush making its way across my cheeks. He watches calmly and a little too solemnly after his tender handling of me yesterday. His gaze though, is still on me, and no matter his expression I feel a little unstable.

His voice is gentle, but still lets me feel a little alone in the realm of affection. “Lyra.”

My world tilts at his greeting. I struggle to find words with meaning. “Mr. Gilch,” I reply. I blush harder at the shakiness I hear in my voice.

I can’t help but notice that he becomes a little less relaxed in his seat at the mention of his formal name. He grows tentative to me, then finding me speechless he takes the conversation.

“Do you wish to sit?”

I glance at the seat across from him and with a nod I step to it. I sit down and blush as I feel ungraceful in my movements before him.

He watches me silently a few seconds, observing me tenderly, then his eyes once more grow solemn and he swallows and looks away. “I…”

I watch him feeling my heart pound.
I regret...? I shouldn’t have…? I never meant…?

“I received a letter today.”

I wait, a little relieved yet unsure.
Why would I care for a letter?

“I read parts of it…and found it to be…unclear to me,” he looks up and his eyes find me. “The letter was regarding you…it was signed…sent…its address was
for
you,” I grow a little more attentive. “Not for me.”

I watch him, unsure of how to feel.

“Would you like to read it?” He offers it gently.

I nod.

He fumbles with the papers in his hand, and then pulls out a cream envelope and holds it out to me. I reach across the table and take it, bringing it to me as I read the address. It is in a hand unknown to me…
not that many I knew could afford the post
…but still.

There is no return address. Slightly disappointed, I slip out the parchment inside and unfold it. On the back was a red stamp with a strange design like a tree, and beneath there is an address signed in loopy cursive printing:
Only to Ms. Orange.
I turn it over and then begin to read the letter. At the very top is a line in red ink reading:
In reference to certain details and plans.

Then, the letter begins, though now in black ink, and in cursive.

Ms. Thimlet,

I apologize for the disturbance made by my server approaching you. I know it must have been startling and interrupting to your engagements at those times. I must continue this letter though, with the regret that I must say in those times with my servants, my message was miscarried.

I am now writing to you regarding my intentions. It might be difficult for you to understand at this point, but I must beg you to not be frightened of my sudden introduction. I have been lost many months, and it is possible that you may think to be shy of me, and that I am but a stranger. I, however, have thoughts that I could return, and my passage into Leyden could be sooner than thought. Do not think I have mistaken you for another, for we are related, though how I cannot yet tell you. My plan is a serious one, Ms. Thimlet, and you being a part of it must agree that it is a safely kept plan from outsiders of our party. My plan has many roles, and you would be the focal part, but there is something which my servers have observed of you currently, which I must first discourse before continuing.

I have heard that you have been engaged in certain activities which take up much emotion and thought. Forgive me for being so involved in your recent states but it is for your protection. I hear that your have been interacting with a certain man, to be more direct, a Spanish man. It hurts me to think that possibly your stay there has been forced, or that you are staying by your own choice. I worry only now, that this might ruin or help my plans if the second reason is accurate. In case you fail me, I regret to say no more than needed, and I feel further explanation is best in person.

Here it is.

I have men in the city who provide me enough to feel aspired, but I am in need of one joker. If I managed to make it to the walls without being seen, possibly I could save the city from starvation. To enter though, I am in need of your safety. I have heard of your imprisonment under Spanish housing, and the need for you to be safe to me is indescribable. If you are left as you are in their hands, when I arrive at the wall they are sure to do worse things to you than imaginable, and I cannot let anyone, especially you, be harmed further. The reason I chose you is because of our relation, which if you knew more of, you would be inspired to believe me, and also because I know you want Leyden safe too. In case this letter got into the wrong hands however, I cannot provide this detail.

What you must do for me is, until the date I set, bury any relation or affections you have for your Spaniard. Be persuasive and let him be your pawn instead of your partner. You will win if you play my moves accurately. Act with him, and lure him into helping you. Use him. Get him to take guard next evening and leave him close to the lookout wall. Now, for you, meet my men that same night in the market when it is empty. They will direct you and help you to understand your position, and will keep you safe until my arrival. I, unfortunately, may not see you until our victory.

If you do not consent to my approach, I am sorry to tell you that I have given orders to my men that you must accept. My men have instructions to make this clear to you, and harm may come to your Spaniard, which I would not want happening to anyone before you. So, I must urge you to concede.

Silent

P.S. Be sure to do as you are told exactly ‘else you may be lost, or worse, our city is lost.

I am unsure of how to move. I feel Nadeje’s gaze on me and grow shakier than before. I have to draw my eyes from the page as I look away. No thoughts of giddiness are in me now.
What relations have I to a ‘Silent’?
I feel a prickly feeling inside me at the name, but I cannot remember from where I have heard it after the past few weeks.

I feel cold and my heart is pounding guiltily…
is it guilt? What does Nadeje think of me?
I slowly look up from the letter then to Nadeje. He looks calm still, but there is something rigid about his posture.
Is he upset with me?
I feel my stomach churn.
Does he not trust me?

“Nadeje.”

He looks to me and his eyes are serious but still calm. “You know him?”

I swallow. “I…” I shake my head. “No.”

He sighs. “Do you understand it?”

I shake my head. “I…can…but why I am chosen is unclear to me.”

He swallows. “You belong to him?”

I look up at him confused. “Who?”

He stares at me without any real expression. “To
him
.”

I frown then realize he spoke of the letter. “I don’t even know who he is.”

He looks down. “Should I suppose you aren’t truthful?”

I watch him. “No.”

For once his calm is more unsettling than if he were angry.

He looks up at me and his brow furrows. “Then why…” He sighs and closes his eyes. “Lyra, Leyden is under Spanish arrest. If you were caught being of service to other people…”

I shake my head. “I told you I don’t even know him…”

He looks at me. “It doesn’t mean you won’t try.”

I watch him.

His face is tired. “I know you, Lyra.”

I glance away and try to think of the truth.
Would I?
I look up at him.

“Do you?” I inquire.

He watches me silently.

“If you do, I don’t know you.”

He sighs. “Miss Thimlet, the letter is for you, and it is your choice. I wish it were otherwise, but that is something I cannot help.”

I swallow. “I am female. My every choice is vulnerable to men.”

He watches me. “It is your choice still.”

I feel his words sink in. “I don’t want it to be.”

He sighs. “Lyra, I am not able to stop your life. It is yours.”

I search his abysmal eyes. “You…you could.” I feel my voice is shaking.

His eyes close. I feel like he has just shut doors in my face, blocking out the rest of the world. “I cannot assist you in ways against my fellow soldiers…” He stops. “Ms. Thimlet, that letter could…”

I half-want the rest. “Could?”

He stands suddenly. “I care enough to let you choose without me…I have an event to tend to…”

I feel my body grow stiff. “Nadeje…”

“I’m sorry…please, I can’t seem to…” He shakes his head. “I will be back soon…I promise.”

He strides passed. I feel all the blood rush to my head and can’t move.

“I am your responsibility…”

I hear him stop in his tracks.

“You could lose your position if…” I say it as I realize the decision he is making, and that once again, it is all for me.

He does not turn. “It is my rank and my choices, just as I give you yours, you must let me to mine.”

I feel my throat tighten. Last night he’d devoted himself to my protection, he had adored me, held me against him until I was ready to let him go…
but now this?

He moves again. I hear him murmuring in Spanish and can’t find words to protest. Then, he opens the door and steps out. The door closes. I am left alone. I swallow hard and feel shaken.

This time, I had not been ready to let go.