Test Shot (27 page)

“I’m here,” she whispered, echoing the same words Sawyer had said to her earlier that night. “Now sit down and tell me the rest.”

AIDAN SAT BESIDE her and took her hand. Gripped it like the rope to safety she’d always represented to him. And he told her.

About his parents’ making him switch from public school in the city to a private school in the suburbs in the middle of seventh grade in an attempt to make everything go away. How they’d paid off Derek’s parents and given the boy himself a shiny red racing bicycle, as if that could make up for Aidan’s supposed abuse. And then, how Derek had visited him in secret one day their junior year of high school, after Derek had come out of the closet. He’d apologized, and he’d cried. He’d offered to repay the money his parents had received, but Aidan had dismissed the idea. It wasn’t about money. It was about the way his parents looked at him now and always would.

“Everything changed when I met you.” He stroked her fingers, one at a time. She had such sturdy hands. Not dainty and delicate like some women. Hers looked like she could hurt someone if she wanted to. His gut tightened. Or wrangle kids with ease. “You were the kind of daughter-in-law they’d always dreamed of. When we got engaged, my mother called me in tears, she was so happy.”

“You never told me that.”

“I didn’t think you’d believe it.” He tried to smile. “She gave you such a hard time at first.”

Layla scoffed. “At first? She still criticizes my cooking and never laughs at my jokes. Last year, she told your father she needed to buy me gift-wrapping lessons.”

He laughed. “She loves you. Honestly.”

“Uh-huh.” The amusement on her face disappeared. “She loves me because I’m female.”

He wanted to deny it. More than anything, he wanted to keep her smiling. But he couldn’t. “She would love you anyway. But yes, that helps. A lot.”

“Did you ever…experiment again?”

They’d smiled for the last time during this conversation, he was certain. Something else to mourn. “Two other times. Once, in high school. Just a kiss. We’d been studying, and somehow things got out of control. I put a stop to it, and he left.”

“What happened next?”

“We stopped being friends.” He shrugged. “I told myself it was a mistake. Until it happened again.”

She must’ve heard the catch in his voice. She moistened her lips and bravely lifted her chin. “When?”

God, he didn’t want to say these words. How could he do this to her? He loved her so much, and all he’d wanted was to build a life with her.

If he’d lied, if he’d built a false construct to support their life together, he’d done it out of love. He wanted to be the only man for her. But he wasn’t.

“It’s okay.” She squeezed his hand, her gaze steady. “Whatever you say, it’s okay. I won’t run out of here. I told you I would hear you out, and I will.”

“And after that?”

“We’ll figure it out together. I swear.”

“Your word is more than enough for me,” he repeated quietly, and never had it been more true. He believed her. Believed
in
her. She wouldn’t take off on him. She wouldn’t be the coward he’d been. “It was at the hospital. With Josh.” He rushed ahead before she could speak. If he didn’t get it all out now, he wouldn’t be able to. “We were working late, and we were both exhausted. We crashed in the same room for a couple minutes, and then we were kissing. I still don’t know how it happened. I didn’t even know he was bisexual. Apparently he and Tricia have an open marriage. I never suspected. But he told me after, that he could tell with me. That I wasn’t straight.”

That too had shamed him. There wasn’t anything wrong with being a homosexual. It wasn’t something that could be changed. But a person could live any sort of life they chose. Or so he’d tried to convince himself.

More and more was falling out of his control. Including his own urges. Hiding hadn’t worked. Running—from Nebraska, from the judgmental medical community, from his parents—hadn’t worked either.

All that was left was facing the truth. And living with it.

“You’re gay.” She blinked quickly, but he still saw the sheen in her eyes. “Not bisexual.”

He couldn’t lie anymore, not when he’d come this far. “Yes. I’m gay, Layla.”

She nodded and blotted the wetness on her cheeks. “How far did it go? With Josh?”

“Touching, mostly. He… Christ, I don’t want to say this.”

“You did it. You can say it.”

No recrimination, no anger. Just a bald statement of truth. It helped. “We kissed. He gave me a blowjob. That’s all.” At her choked half laugh, he squeezed his eyes shut. So much pain in such a brief sound. “I stopped him when my tired brain finally clicked into gear. It was as if I was in slow motion and didn’t even get what I was doing.”

“But you wanted it. You enjoyed it.”

“Yes.” He drew their joined hands up to his chest, held them there while his heart pounded crazily. “I never meant to cheat on you. Never in my wildest dreams had I thought something like that would happen. I did what I could to make sure it didn’t again, but that doesn’t change that it did. Baby, I’m so sorry.”

She was crying openly now, tears leaking down her face in a steady stream. But her hand squeezed his, as tightly as if she was experiencing every moment of his frustration and fear. “Did you ever enjoy having sex with me? Even a little?”

“Of course I did. I love being with you.” He pulled her into his chest with his other arm as she sobbed. “I love you. With all my heart. I’ve never loved anyone else like I love you.”

Would
never love anyone else. He wouldn’t let himself. That would be his penance for hurting her, even if she left.

His ribs ached. Not if, when. Because how could they survive this?

“But you don’t want me. Sexually.” Her reply tumbled out in a rush. “Because I’m not a man.”

“I’ve wanted you, over and over again. Being with you is a special, amazing thing. I love making love to you.” He couldn’t get the reassurances out fast enough, and still they weren’t enough. Even knowing that, he had to give them. “I love everything about it.”

She rocked, not looking at him. Letting out sobs that racked him as if they were his own.

“You still arouse me.” His love for her made her appealing in ways that went far beyond the physical. But telling her that would be another slap in the face. “The reason I started staying away is because I felt like a fraud. I thought if we left Nebraska, we could get us back again. But we’re further apart than ever, and the division between us is all my fault.”

She didn’t argue. Just cried her now nearly silent tears.

He held her and pressed his face to the top of her hair. “Don’t leave me. Please. You’re all I have.” He tightened his grip, as if he could bind her close. “I’ll do anything to make you happy. To make this right.”

A shudder went through her, and she raised her tear-streaked face to his. Her lips were swollen, her eyes red and puffy. “You’re not happy with me. I can’t…I can’t give you what you need.”

“You’re all I need.” He choked out the words. “They turned their back on me once they knew. All they wanted was to hide me away. To eliminate the embarrassment I’d caused. But it was worth it, because I have you. Tell me I still have you.” The pain he’d wrought on her thickened his voice. Nothing he’d experienced hurt half as much as knowing he’d hurt her. “Please, Lala,” he whispered, absorbing the jolt that went through her body.

She pressed her lips together and shut her eyes. Still, her tears rained. It took everything he possessed not to shake her and beg.

He knew what he was asking wasn’t fair. If he loved her, he needed to let her go. She had a life to live, one with someone who could give her the world. More than money, more than empty promises. Someone who would give her children, and honesty, and all of their love.

“Where do you go?” As wrapped up as he was in his thoughts, he didn’t hear her question at first. She wiped her eyes and repeated it. “Where do you go on the nights you’re not here? You’re not at school all the time. You can’t be.”

“No.” How could admitting this be more soul-shattering than what he’d already acknowledged? He’d told her he was gay. Would she think him depraved too, after this? “You mentioned Sex Emporium.”

“Yes.”

“The alley beside, that first night we were there.”

“I remember.”

“People go there. Men go there, to touch each other. And more.”

“Do you?” she whispered.

He shook his head vehemently. “No.
No
. I swear. I wouldn’t do that to you.” As she lowered her lashes, he added raggedly, “I wouldn’t do it again.”

“Then what?”

He scrubbed his free hand over his face. It was dry, but it wouldn’t be for much longer. Not if he had to hear her cry and know every tear had been caused by him. That was a special kind of hell, worse even than the one of his own making he’d lived in for the last twenty years. “I watch. I’m not the only one. There are a couple of us who pay to see—”

When he bowed his head, she lifted his chin with shaking, wet fingers. “Tell me, Aidan. Let me in.”

Her eyes entreated him. How could she still care?

“There are some college boys from the neighborhood. They make some extra cash by doing what they would anyway. Sometimes penetrative sex. Sometimes just oral. Not my students,” he added hastily, as if that made a difference. “I don’t know them beyond our…transactions. God, Lala, I’m so sorry. I couldn’t stop myself. Once I’d had a little, it didn’t stop. The need didn’t go away. I took myself out of the goddamn situation, away from Josh.” He laughed bitterly. “Running is something I learned early. But this time, it didn’t work.”

She nodded, almost businesslike. “It’s going to be okay, Aidan.”

“How can it be?”

“We’re going to fix this. We can make it right.” Fiercely, she latched her gaze on to his. “If you believe nothing else, believe me. It’s going to be all right.”

For a moment, he stayed locked in her stare, relief staggering him. “What did I do to deserve you?” he managed, dropping his forehead to hers. “How can you still be here, holding my hand?”

“I love you.”

The sound of pain escaped before he could try to hold it in. “How?”

“We’re a team.” She stroked his face, waiting until he looked at her again to continue. “You never have to doubt my love. No matter what happens.”

His hand tensed around hers even as his heart clenched. He could see the truth in her eyes. She was going to leave him. Her mental bags were already packed.

And he’d provided her with where to go.

“Will you take me there?” she asked. “To the alley?”

“Why?”

“I want to understand. At least to try.”

The constriction in his chest eased. She’d given him so much and kept right on giving, despite learning something that would be unforgiveable to most people. Yet she still held his hand. Still told him she loved him, a love he saw reflected on her face.

He couldn’t begrudge her happiness, whatever that meant for him. She’d given him her support, and he would do the same. Even if it broke what was left of his heart.

“Yes.” He drew her with him as he stood. “I’ll take you.”

Though it was probably foolhardy to go into a rougher part of the city so late, he felt fairly certain that his glower would discourage most from messing with him. In fact, they didn’t see many people at all on the street near the sex shop. And the alley was empty, at least at first. But she insisted on waiting, and sure enough, a pair straggled out of the bar across the street and made their way into the alley. They weren’t regulars, but he’d seen them there a couple of times. Word had spread that there were men with deep pockets willing to pay to view some action.

“Back again?” The older one smirked at Aidan and tossed aside his cigarette. “And you brought a friend.”

He tucked Layla under his arm. What had been thinking, bringing her here? Even if she’d wanted to come. “We’re going.”

“Wait.” She shocked the hell out of him by reaching into her purse. “Twenty?”

How did she know how much? Why wasn’t she scandalized? The only thing he could see on her face in the shadowy light was curiosity. A sort of hollow-eyed fascination that might’ve been delayed shock for all he knew.

“Yeah. Twenty.”

Before his brain caught up to what was happening, she passed over a folded bill. With another smirk, the guy and his friend—an equally sneering sort—began to kiss.

The kissing soon turned to groping and from groping to a quick, rough handjob. Aidan steeled his reactions, not knowing where she intended to go with this. Why were they there? But she gave no clue as she observed them, her face remaining composed even when the men began to fuck against the wall. Their grunts bounced off the brick, clanged in the trash cans she’d grimaced at the first night they’d been there. Tonight she didn’t so much as wince.

Goddamn, he loved this woman. It was like a vise around his throat, holding him up when he wanted nothing more than to sag against the wall.

After they finished and stumbled away, she turned toward Aidan and drew in a slow breath. “I want you to promise me something. That you’ll be safe. No alley hookups with random street guys.”

His mouth dried. She meant after. After they’d dissolved what they’d spent four years crafting. “I won’t be hooking up with anyone, period, so that promise won’t be difficult to keep.”

She didn’t argue, just lifted her hand to his cheek. “Let’s go home.”

The whole way there, he expected her to cry or lash out. She did neither. When they stepped into their bedroom, she went over to the bed and sat on the edge. He’d seen boards with more flexibility.

“What about Sawyer?”

It was his turn to brace. “What do you mean?”

“You were aroused by watching him. By us, making love.”

Making love, not fucking. No surprise there, really.

He drew off the shirt he’d donned in a hurry before they’d headed to the alley. Stalling for time, he tossed it at the foot of the bed, then glanced up at the swirled plaster in the ceiling. “Yes,” he replied, unwilling to lie. Or even hedge. Not with her, not anymore. “He has the right equipment, even if he’s not for me.”