That Baby (22 page)
CHAPTER TEN
Dear Baby Mac,
You are orange-sized and even though I still can’t feel you, they say you are moving around like crazy. Which isn’t really a surprise since you were very active during the ultrasound.
Your dad read something about keeping a pregnant woman comfortable on the job. He told me I should stop wearing heels to work. I told him that since I wasn’t on my feet all day that I could wear whatever shoes I wanted to.
And I need to wear the shoes. They are about the only thing that fits. I’ve been wearing my skirts and jeans unbuttoned and have to wear flowy shirts.
So anyway, your daddy put a water cooler in my office, so I will drink enough water daily. He brought in an ottoman, so I can put my feet up. He makes his assistant bring me in snacks every few hours because he read that I should be eating five small meals a day.
Since he’s started this, I’ve gained four pounds.
Could be all the Milk Duds, though.
Truth: Sometimes, I give away the healthy snacks and just eat Milk Duds. But that will be our little secret.
And for goodness sake, would you freaking kick me already? Like hard enough for me to actually feel it?
Lori says she first felt her baby kick at fifteen weeks. She says it felt like a flutter.
I want to feel the flutter.
April 9th
However many shades.
My eyes are shut and I’m half asleep as I rub the back of my hand across my nose. Something keeps itching it.
I squint my eyes open.
“Ahhhhh!!!” I scream.
What the fu—” I jump off the bed when I realize the thing touching my nose is the gnome.
I find Phillip lying on the floor next to the bed laughing.
“What the hell are you doing?”
He gives me a devious grin. “Danny’s workout room is done, so I’m meeting him over there this morning. Thought I’d take our little friend. I wanted to give you the chance to say goodbye.”
“Hopefully good riddance. What the heck did you do to him?”
Phillip holds the gnome up even with my face. He’s drilled a little hole through the gnome’s fist, stuck one of my new cocktail forks through it, and wrapped a red ribbon around his eyes.
“I gave him a pitchfork. Like the devil.”
“You’re crazy. Are you going to put him in the sauna?” I ask, as I hop back into bed.
“Yep.” He leans down and gives me a kiss. “Wish us luck.”
What’s with the fifty shades gnome?” Danny says when I answer my ringing phone.
“What are you talking about?”
“Don’t play coy. I know you hid it in my sauna.”
“You just woke me up, Danny.”
“Scared the shit out of me, honestly. Cheeky little bastard. Get dressed. I’m on my way over.”
I get up quickly—shocked to see it’s almost ten—brush my teeth and hair and throw on some clothes. I had planned to work from home this morning, not sleep in late.
As I’m heading to the kitchen, Danny comes through the front door with the gnome.
“So did you know we watched that movie and she bought that stuff?”
“Danny, you woke me up during the middle of a very involved dream. I have no idea what the heck you’re talking about.”
“Lori and I watched that shades of grey movie. She bought some sexual aids similar to those used in the story to spice up things in the bedroom.”
“Do things need spicing up?”
He lets out a big sigh. “Since she’s been pregnant, our sex life has definitely taken a hit.”
“How so? Not that long ago, you were talking about how horny pregnant women are.”
“That was a long time ago. And you know how Lori’s been. Sick, crabby, moody.
You’re
pregnant and tired. Has your sex life taken a hit?”
“Uh, no. Although having Phillip’s parents here has contained it to the bedroom.”
“How often do you do it?”
“Every day usually. Sometimes every other day.”
“It’s been two weeks. I’m horny. I don’t need a freaking red room. I just need for her to be in the mood.”
“Sounds like she’s trying if she bought stuff.”
“Yes and that was a flipping disaster. Last night . . . No, I can’t even say it.”
“She wanted to and you didn’t?”
“
Couldn’t
.”
“Couldn’t? Why not?”
“Because she’s gone all however many shades on me. I’m sorry, but have you seen her? Her stomach is huge. I can’t do that to her now. Not with my child inside her. It just feels wrong.”
“Are you not attracted to her because her stomach is huge?”
“That’s not it at all. I very much want to have sex with her. I just can’t do the kinky stuff.”
“Maybe you can save it all for after the baby is born and just go for the romance angle.”
“I don’t know about romance, but angle is the right word. It’s like freaking geometry class just trying to get close to her.”
“She only has a few weeks left.”
“Did you know that you’re not supposed to have sex for six weeks after the baby is born?”
“Uh, no. That seems like a really long time. Why is that? Does it hurt?”
“At first, probably. But it’s got something to do with infection.” He points to the gnome. “When I saw the gnome with the fork and the red blindfold, I thought somehow you knew.”
I laugh. “This looks like a devil gnome to me, not a XXX gnome.”
“I guess I’m just sensitive. So who did it, you or Phillip?”
“Neither of us. The gnome keeps moving on its own,” I lie, hoping he’ll fess up. “The other morning it scared the crap out of me. I found it in the pantry holding a noose. I’ve been locking the bedroom door, just in case.”
“Did you hear Chelsea and Joey set a date?”
“I did. Will you be able to go?”
“He asked me to stand up with him. Of course, I am.”
“But the baby will be just a few weeks old.”
“Perfect time to take the little monkey with us, right? It will sleep the whole time.”
“Uh, yeah. That’s true,” I say, but I babysat an infant one summer and know it’s a little more complicated than that.
April 11th
My dream life.
Just after midnight, Phillip wakes me up like he has for as long as I can remember. When we were young, he’d sneak out of his house and come bounce on my bed. He’s thrown confetti at me. Water balloons. Silk butterflies. Skittles. Rubber ducks. Every year is something different.
“Happy Birthday, Princess,” he yells, flipping on the light as baby booties shower over me.
“Ohmigosh! Look at all these!” I screech, holding a teeny little pink crocheted bootie with a fluffy white pompom in one hand and a furry leopard one in the other. Our bed is full of booties of every size and color. I hold up each one and imagine putting them on our baby.
Tears well up in my eyes. “They’re so adorable, Phillip. So teeny. I love them.”
He sits down next to me, wraps his arm around me, and asks me the same old question. “So do you feel older?”
“Should I answer that the way I used to, or how I feel now?”
“Hmm, how you feel now.”
“I’ll always be younger than you.”
“Oh, meanie,” he says, giving me another kiss. “When we were younger, you always told me you did.”
“I was lying. I never really felt older. I will admit, though, this year feels different.”
“How so?”
“I’m so happy, Phillip. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier in my whole life. It’s because of you.”
His smile is genuine. “Why me?”
“I’m living my dream life. I’m married to my sexy best friend. We bought an amazing house. I got to design a building and now I’m watching it be built from the ground up. And I’m having your baby. Really, the only thing that is missing from this perfect picture is my parents, but I guess I’ve come to terms with it. They’d want me to be happy. Sometimes it scares me though, like our life is too good to be true.”
He flops across the bed, half on top of me, and brushes the hair off my face. “You shouldn’t be scared. You and I can face whatever life throws at us. As long as we’re together.”
I wrap my arms around his neck and kiss him.
And kiss him.
“Hang on,” he says. “I have something else for you.”
“I can wait to open the rest of my presents until morning.”
“I think you’re going to want this now.” He hops off the bed, grabs my hand, and leads me into our bathroom, which is glowing with candlelight.
“It’s so pretty, Phillip.”
“Close your eyes,” he says.
I shut my eyes and try not to peek.
“Okay, open!”
When I open my eyes, Phillip is standing in front of me with a plate of cupcakes, each with a birthday candle blazing atop it.
“Cupcakes, huh?” I say.
“You should make a wish,” he replies, taking a little chocolate frosting, smudging it across my neck, and then licking it off.
“I wish you’d do more than that,” I say, blowing out the candles.
“Is cupcake sex really what you wished for?” he asks me later.
“No, I was pretty sure that was already going to happen.”
“So what did you wish for?”
“That you and I will always be together.”
