That Summer (Part One) (2 page)

Chapter Two

“So,
I finally got to see the new guy.” I tell Lisa, trying my hardest to make sure
that my voice sounds casual and unaffected. 

We’re
walking side by side on our way home after I met her outside the main hall like
we arranged. It’s only been a few minutes since we left but we’ve already made
it past our halfway point. We both live within walking distance to our school
and that’s why we always head back together.

“You
did?” She gasps, coming to a standstill. “And what did you think?”

I
know I can’t afford to reveal my true feelings, not even to my best friend. It
will only encourage her and the infuriating tendency she has to try and help me
improve my social life.

“He’s
ok.” I shrug. “Nothing special.”

I
keep on walking and wait for her to catch up with me, already preparing myself
for the onslaught of questions which are about to be fired at me.

“Liar.”
She retorts cheerfully, playfully slapping me on the arm.

“Excuse
me?”

“You
can’t lie to me, Serena. You want him.”

“I
most certainly do not!” I exclaim loudly, struggling to conceal my
mortification.

“Then
why won’t you look at me?” She asks, forcing me to turn around and face her. “You
can’t even give me eye contact.”

“Ok,
so what if he is really cute? That doesn’t automatically make him a nice
person, Lisa.”

“Ha!
I knew you wanted him. I know your taste in men is pretty terrible but even
you
can’t deny the fact that he is absolutely gorgeous.” She reaffirms her
point by folding her arms across her chest, daring me to deny it.

“Like
I said, he might be handsome but that doesn’t mean anything to me. It would
take more than that for me to truly be attracted to someone.”

I
don’t know why I still haven’t told her about the brief encounter I had with
Cole earlier. I suppose it’s because I don’t want her to exaggerate and make
out it was something more. There’s also a part of me that wants to keep our
conversation private. I have no idea why and I also know how deplorable I am to
actually think that it meant something. I’m pathetic and really do need to
listen to my best friend and get a life.

“I
don’t really care about his personality, who needs one when you look like he
does?”

“I
can’t believe you just said that.”

“I’m
serious. He’s absolutely perfect and I honestly do not believe that there is a
single woman on the planet who would be capable of turning him down.”

I
wholeheartedly agree with her but choose to say nothing. There’s an unsettling
and disconcerting feeling in the pit of my stomach which I can’t explain. All I
know is that it started as soon as I collided with Cole. It’s almost like my
subconscious is trying to tell me something. I instinctively know that the
altercation I had with Cole will not be my last…

It’s
been three weeks. Three weeks since I spoke to him, three weeks since he
refused to give me back my phone and three weeks since he looked at me. It
turns out I only share one class with Cole and that’s English. He only turns up
when he feels like it and even when he does, it’s obvious he doesn’t want to be
there.

He
sits on the back row and I sit near the front. We don’t socialise in the same
circles and if I’m being honest, we hardly ever cross paths. He rarely comes
into the cafeteria and similar to before, you can’t even catch a glimpse of him
because he’s surrounded by so many people. People who don’t even acknowledge my
existence and if they did it would only be to pass judgement or try and
humiliate me.

You
see, I made a mistake last year. It was the biggest mistake of my life and my
punishment for it is that everyone I encounter actually knows about it. I was
foolish and let my guard down when a guy in my year called Lewis started to
show an interest in me. He barely spoke to me at school but had plenty to say
when we were alone together. He sent me hundreds of texts, bombarding me with
compliments as he tried his best to convince me that his feelings were genuine.

I
eventually fell for it and believed him. One night we stayed up really late,
texting back and forth until the early hours of the morning. I didn’t take his
suggestion as anything serious at first and laughed it off, certain that the
request he had just made of me to send him naked pictures was a joke.

It
wasn’t. He kept on and on at me, extremely persistent and in the end he became
threatening. I don’t know what possessed me to do it but I gave into him. The
phone was in my hand and it was almost like it took the provocative photos by
itself.

I
sat there in silence, stunned and more than a little dazed by what I had just
done. I waited for his response but it never came. I don’t know what I was
hoping for. I suppose I was hoping for a compliment of some sort but I guess
that was too much to ask for. The naïve and idiotic part of me convinced myself
that he was in awe, gazing at my photos in adoration before he decided to text
me back. I needed him to assure me and make me feel better about what I had
just done. I wanted him to tell me that I was beautiful, perfect and the ideal
girl for him.

Of
course that never happened. I received no response and had to go to school the
next day with a heavy heart. I was slightly worried when it came to seeing him
but nothing in this world could have prepared me for what really happened.

My
pictures were everywhere. He sent them all to his friends and then they sent
them onto theirs. Everyone was talking about it and I had to contend with the
hateful glares from the girls and the lustful gawping from the boys. I never
felt safe, constantly living in fear and regret. I didn’t have Facebook, Twitter
or Instagram and I had no desire to start engaging in the world where you spent
your life online. Social networking was not my thing but I still knew my
embarrassing photos has been leaked.

 Lisa
tried to hide it from me but I eventually managed to get it out of her. She
told me the truth and revealed the true extent of the hideous exploitation
against me. I thought about reporting him but decided against it, knowing that
the police would have to interview me and then my mother would probably end up
finding out about what I had done. I decided to suffer in silence and pray for
my humiliation to end. I cried myself to sleep most nights, trying to rid my
mind of the vile and disgusting things the people at school thought they could
call me.

The
guys thought I was a slut and so did the girls. They spoke about me as though I
no longer mattered, spitting at me in the hallways and using bright red
lipstick to write ‘whore’ on my locker.

That’s
when the scratching started. I had to find a release and wrongly believed that
deliberately harming myself would help to relieve some of the misery I was
consumed by. It didn’t. It only made things worse and it still does. I try not
to do it all the time but sometimes… I just can’t help it.

Lewis
left our college right before the summer holidays began and words cannot
describe how elated I was when I knew I would never have to see him again. The
gossiping eventually subsided and what happened eventually became boring. It
was old news and I couldn’t have been happier about it.

The
only one who stuck by me was Lisa. She refused to turn her back on me and I
will never be able to thank her enough for her kindness. She was ostracised for
a little while too but she’s slowly managed to climb her way back up the
metaphorical social ladder and for that I am grateful.

The
individuals who broadcasted the photos of me are the same people that Cole now chooses
to hang around with. None of them are good people and this why I choose to believe
that neither is he.

I’ve
been a social outcast since that day, overlooked and ignored, laughed at or
treated with contempt. I’ve also become used to the anonymity that comes with
being invisible and I think that’s why I was so unnerved by my initial meeting
with Cole.

It’s
like he
saw
me. He actually saw me and that matters, even if it was just
for a split second.

Every
time I start to think like this, I chastise myself and do everything in my
power to rid myself of these feelings. I remind myself how stupid I was to feel
any sort of connection towards Cole. He’s so far out of my league, I know he
would never seriously consider someone like me.

I
have long brown hair, green eyes, a pale complexion and I’m too short. Everything
about me is insignificant and when I compare myself to the girls he hangs
around with, I know I’ve been incredibly stupid. Stupid to think that anything
would stem from our meaningless Collison.

I’ve
just finished my final class of the day, it’s actually the last lesson of the
week seeing as its Friday and I can’t wait to get home, grab something to eat
and relax. I’ll have the house to myself of course. It’s not like my mother’s
ever home and when she is she barely manages to acknowledge my existence. We’ve
never been close but lately… the distance between us is becoming more and more
apparent, neither one of us can ignore it anymore and I’m struggling to see any
way forward for either one of us. It’s like we’re strangers, strangers that
live in the same house, have meaningless conversations and make out that we’re
normal.

In
actual fact, nothing could be further from the truth.

“Hey!
Sorry to keep you waiting, have you been here long?”

I’m
startled by Lisa when she sneaks up behind me, linking her arm with mine as we
set off to walk.

“No,
just a few minutes.” I reply, trying really hard to rid myself of my reflective
thoughts.

“Good.
Shall we get out of here?”

We’ve
only been walking a few minutes when Lisa mentions another party going on
tonight. Every one of us is soon to turn eighteen and the amount of
celebrations and house parties going on right now is endless.

I
turn eighteen next month but don’t have anything planned for it. I’ll probably
just spend it at home and invite Lisa to spend the evening with me. I don’t
drink and I don’t have many friends so a party is something that’s definitely
out of the question.

“So,
do you think you will be able to come?” Lisa asks, nudging me in the side when
I fail to answer.

“Sorry,
what did you say?”

I
have no idea what Lisa was talking about and instantly feel bad for not listening
to her. It’s just that my mind is elsewhere these days and it has been since my
first day back at college, since I ran into Cole and he read my text. The text
which changes everything.

“I
said
do you think you’ll be able to come to Stacey’s party tonight?” Lisa
asks again, patiently repeating her question. “I promised her I would go but
don’t really fancy turning up by myself.”

“You
know I hate things like that. I don’t know how to be or how to act.” I
complain, almost angry with her for making such a suggestion to me when she
knows how I would feel about it.

“Don’t
be silly, you know I’ll be there with you.”

She
squeezes my arm gently, trying to provide me with some comfort.

“Lisa,
the last people I want to socialise with are the ones who ignore me all day at
school. Why would I want to go anywhere near them after they’ve purposefully
made my life a living hell for the past year?”

“You’re
missing the point, Serena. It’s not about them, it’s about
you
.” She
states firmly. “You have to start living again after what happened and you have
to try and move on after what that bastard did to you. You’re letting him win
if you carry on like this.”

“Like
what?” I challenge her, unable to keep the resentment I am feeling out of my
voice.

I
really don’t mean to turn on my best friend like this but I can’t help my defensive
mechanisms. They’re in place so I can rebuff what she’s saying but… deep down,
I know she’s speaking the truth.

“You’re
so cautious now. You’re painfully shy and you’ve let Lewis win. You made a
mistake, one which you have more than paid for and you need to move forward.
This is our final year at college before we leave and go off to Uni and I want
us to make some good memories together. You can’t spend your final year stuck
at home all the time just because it makes you feel safe.”

“So…
what are you suggesting?”

I
sound so timid and nervous. I’m a shadow of my former self and I
do
resent
the fact that one person’s ignorance and stupidity has done this to me. Lewis
is long gone, he left and I know he won’t ever give me a second thought. Why do
I continue to live in the past? Why do I still carry the weight of regret
around with me?

“I
suggest that we go to Stacey’s party tonight. We don’t have to stay there long
and we can leave whenever you feel its time. Trust me, Serena. I won’t let
anyone say anything to you.”

“And
we can leave whenever I want?”

I
need to know that she means what she’s saying. If I really am about to put
myself in the firing line for the sake of some party, I need to know that my
escape plan is set. It’s a huge risk that I’m taking and I have to be certain I
will be ok.