That's a Promise (9 page)

“Thank you for telling me today. I really needed that,” I whisper to her. We sit out there and talk for a long time. We talk about my daddy, her being a mom, pregnancy, our students, and my college courses for my guidance counseling degree. We talk about the wedding and how the pregnancy is going to delay it for a little while. Eventually the bugs start to bite at us, so we decide to go back in the house.

The boys are sitting on the couch talking, but stop when they see us walking in. Brandon gets a huge grin on his face and gets up, strutting right to Brooke, picking her up, and twirling her around before kissing her zealously. I smile, but turn my head from their intimate moment and my eyes catch Blake’s staring at me. He nods his head in the direction of the kitchen, and gets up to go in there. I follow him. I don’t know why I follow. My body is a traitor. My mind is telling me that there is no point in letting him back in, but my body and maybe my soul won’t listen.

When I get in there, I notice that the kitchen has been cleaned since I was outside. I hide my smile at the small genuinely sweet gesture he and Brandon did for me.

“I want to see you tomorrow. I thought maybe the four of us could head out for lunch. Brooke and Brandon are staying at the same hotel I am, so it would be pretty easy to meet up.” He is leaning against the counter with his arms crossed over his body. He has grown up a lot in the past year.

I take a moment to observe him. His body seems more defined and toned, probably from working on the houses he has been building. He still has the light stubble on his face that I have always loved on him. He didn’t need to shave closely because he was so sexy with that dark shadow. His jaw line is still hard and angular, and his lips are still perfection. His dark brown hair that used to be cropped to his head, has grown out enough for me to really be able to run my fingers through it. It’s the creases next to his eyes that show a difference. He’s a little more worn now than he was four years ago. This past year seems to have haunted him as much as it has me, because I can see the shadow of sadness clouding him.

While I have been wishing the worst on him since that terrible day, it still makes me sad to see how different his demeanor is. It doesn’t make him any less handsome, however. I would give anything to see him take off that sexy suit and be in nothing, knowing exactly how sexy nothing looks on him.

I look back to his eyes, and realize that he noticed me checking him out. He raises an eyebrow and a cocky smirk plays on his lips. I cough to try to hide my lack of modesty in checking him out, and bring my bottom lip in between my teeth, sliding it back and forth in thought. I am not sure what to do about seeing him this week. I vacillate between hating him and saying no, and succumbing to the passion that he causes when he is around me and saying yes. His eyes seem to darken with what I know to be a look of desire, as he focuses his attention on my mouth.
Shit. Is it hot in here?

“Ok, Blake, but no more of this sexy shit you keep pulling on me. I need a clear head, so stop looking at me like that!” I say with determination, albeit false determination. He drops his arms and continues to look at me with his heated gaze, but a small smile tugs at the corner of his lips.

“Like what, Josie?”

“You know like what! Like you could eat me alive.” It slips out of my mouth before I can filter myself from saying anything stupid. He grins at me as I say it, and I can practically see his mind imagining that very thing.

“Well, it’s not too far off to say that.” He comes up to stand in front of me and looks down at me, smirking. “I couldn’t think of anything better than getting a chance to eat you again, Josie.” I close my eyes and groan.

It may be extremely sexy to hear, and my insides might be clenching after hearing that, but I can’t fathom how I could change my abhorrence for him so quickly. Four hours ago I couldn’t stand the thought of seeing his face, and now I am picturing his face doing very naughty things to me. I’m mad at myself for letting him get to me, but I’m even angrier that even if we could get past what happened, he will never get past my betrayal to him.

He chuckles and backs off. “Alright Jo, I’ll see you tomorrow at 2:00. I set up an appointment earlier for you and Brooke to go to the spa before lunch, so Brandon and I will pick you two up after you are finished.” I roll my eyes at his audacity to assume that I would have said yes to him.
Am I
that
predictable?
Ultimately, knowing it would be more difficult to argue with him about it and knowing my need for a little relaxation, I’m not going to challenge him.  

“I’m going upstairs to check on Dad. You can let yourself out.” I take one last look at him and then walk out of the kitchen. I say my goodbyes (and congrats) to Brandon and Brooke before I head upstairs to see my dad. This night has been interesting to say the least, but I need some time alone with Dad.

He is curled in the chaise by the window with a picture of Daddy lying next to him. He is snoring, so I know he is asleep. I kiss him on his forehead, and grab a blanket to cover him up for the night. After sitting on his bed for a few minutes reminiscing on how great my parents were together, I decide to get up and walk down the hall to my bathroom for a shower.

The heat and pressure of the shower feel good against my skin. I don’t have to pretend to be okay in here. I haven’t cried since the night I found out that my dad died instantly in a car crash, but the overwhelming sorrow envelopes me and brings me to my knees. I let the water run down my back in sync with the tears that are streaming down my face. I rock back and forth to help calm me down, but nothing is helping. I feel the water turn to ice, but I feel like I am drowning and can’t move.

I’m not sure how much time has passed, but I do know that I am shivering from being in here for so long. The sobs never let up, and I feel like I am anchored to the bottom of the shower. I hear the curtain pull back, and I hope it’s Brooke and not my dad who is witnessing my breakdown. I hear a cabinet close in the bathroom and then hear the turn of the knobs on the shower that cuts off the water. Finally, I hear the sweet melodic deep voice of the man I want most in the world, but can’t let myself have.

“Oh, Josie. Ok baby, I’m going to pick you up and take you to your room. I have a towel here I’m going to wrap around you.” Blake wraps me in the towel and carries me down the hall. He keeps whispering that everything’s going to be okay. But how can it be okay? I lost both my dads today. I lost my best friend and the man I loved in a year span. I feel alone; that’s not okay.

He lays me on my bed and pulls the covers over my shaking body. I feel the bed shift, and feel him scoot closer to me. He wraps me in his arms and rocks me as I slowly start to calm down. I feel his hands in my hair, continuously brushing it back. The movement and his touch stop the tears and the panic attack. We stay like this until I am about to fall asleep. As quietly as he can, he moves to lay me on the mattress. I feel him kiss my head before whispering, “I love you, Josie.” I know he is about to leave me, and my greediness doesn’t want to let him go.

“Please stay,” I whisper into the darkness.

“What?” he says back to me. I can hear the uncertainty in his voice.

“Please stay with me Blake. I need to feel you love me, just for tonight. Please.” I beg lightly. I feel braver asking him in the dark, but I can’t help but feel a twinge of embarrassment that I just admitted that to him. I feel him get back onto the bed with me and cup my cheek in his hand.

“I will always love you, Josie. I will spend the rest of my life trying to show you and making it up to you. I promise.” He caresses my cheek, and then wraps me into his arms. I curl into him, reveling in the feel of affection.

“I’m a horrible person, Blake,” I whisper; he doesn’t know what I am referring to, but he denies it anyway.

“No. Never baby. You could never be a horrible person. There’s nothing you could do that could ever make me not love you.” He says it with so much emotion and conviction that I almost want to cry again. He rubs my back as we lay there together, lost in thought.

Daddy told me to always be honest with the ones you love, even if it means being prepared to lose them. I think I finally understand what he means, but my selfishness still overpowers my desire for coming clean. I’m still hurt from what he did to me, and I don’t feel like he deserves my honesty.

Daddy would be glad Blake is here with me,
is the last thing I think before I succumb to my weariness.

Chapter 8

March 3 years earlier

Seven months had gone by since Blake and I went on our first date together.

Every day filled me with a new reason to fall under his spell. We spent as much time with each other as we could, and eventually we became inseparable. He changed me in those seven months, more than I thought I could ever be changed. I opened myself up to him. I let myself appreciate the desires he made me feel, but more importantly I let myself fall for him. There was something about Blake, from the very start, that gave me no doubt that he was worth giving my heart to.

When I walked into my dorm room after our first date, Brooke begged for details and Seth sat on the bed half listening to us talk about the date. He pulled me outside my room before he left to make sure that I was okay, and that I didn’t have a panic attack on the date. I sure as hell wasn’t going to explain to him that making out against the wall caused me to panic, so I willed my hands to stay behind my back as I told him that nothing happened.

“You sure this is what you want, Pussy Cat?” He looked sad as he asked me, “To date some guy you don’t even know?”

“I mean, I’m not saying I’m in a committed relationship with him after one date, Seth. I just met him. I have no idea how it’s going to work out. He’s not just some guy, though. He’s different,” I tried to explain. Frustration and annoyance at his overprotectiveness made me continue. “Obviously I’d like to try to have something real with someone and not have to force my best friend to have sex with me anymore.  I’ll be careful Seth, don’t worry about me.” He shook his head as if angry by my response. He turned to leave me there without saying anything in return.

“Hey! Where you going?” I called down the hall. He turned around sharply and I could see anger in his eyes.

“Going to go try to have something real with some other girls, Josie. Don’t worry, I won’t bug you about it anymore.” He turned back around, and walked in the direction of his dorm. I didn’t understand until then that I had hurt his feelings when I said those things. It’s just that I knew that when we had sex, it wasn’t the same as what he does with the women he was actually attracted to. I was an exception, and even though it was amazing, I always figured he only did it out of guilt.

It took a couple days before Seth and I were back to our normal selves, but it did eventually get better. He was the kind of friend who was able to move on fairly quickly from any petty fights that we would have. I knew I had to give him a little time to get used to the fact that I was going to be dating someone. He was just worried because he didn’t want me to get hurt, and I understood that.

Blake and I started dating casually for the first couple of months. When I say casually, I mean we weren’t what everyone else would call “official.” I focused on my school work, and Seth always made it clear that I should keep an eye out for other guys too. But it didn’t matter if I wasn’t officially Blake’s girlfriend, because he was all I wanted.

He made me laugh and made me feel sexy every time he touched me. While there were many, and I mean
many,
steamy and intense moments between us, Blake and I still had not had sex… or said I love you. I never felt like he didn’t want me, because he made it very clear he did, it was more that we knew we didn’t have to rush anything. I also think that he didn’t want to rush it because he didn’t want to risk pushing me too far and have me break down again, like on our first date.

The time seemed to pass quickly through the months. We may not have been together for the holidays, but we communicated non-stop. In January we celebrated his birthday by going bowling. While many would call it lame, we called it the best date of our lives. Not once, not twice, but three times I fell in the slippery lane. To say I wasn’t coordinated, is an understatement. But we belly laughed until our sides hurt, making it the best celebration we could have had.

I was falling for him like crazy, and nothing anyone did could change it. By the time my birthday came around, I knew that we were at a pivotal point in our relationship. I didn’t know how much more willpower I had to refrain from throwing myself at him completely.

It was a Saturday night, and Blake had gathered some friends for a birthday party he planned for me at Lantern. Apparently Blake really did know the owner, and he bought out the place for the night. When I asked him how he was able to afford that, he explained to me that his mom’s parents had set up a fund for all of the kids to help with their future. He told me that he had decided to invest his so he could have enough to form his own business after graduation.

“I invested it well. I could have gone into business.” He smiled at me and kissed me before adding, “I’d do anything for you, Jo.” I didn’t talk about money the rest of that night, his lips were just too damn yummy to resist.

I really wanted to dress sexy for the party, so I bought a really pretty dress that was sure to make Blake fall to his knees. It was an emerald dress that had black lace on top of the emerald material. It was extremely short, maybe a little too short. I knew I would be tugging at it most of the night, but damn if I didn’t look sexy in it. The neckline fell to the middle of my stomach, and for once I was extremely grateful for my very small chest. The sleeves went to my elbows, and the back had a scoop that stopped right below my back dimples. I left my dark brown hair down and straightened it so it looked even longer than usual. Brooke helped me put on my make-up, and when I finally looked in the mirror, I couldn’t help but feel gorgeous.