That's a Promise (32 page)

“The ring,” I whispered to him, looking down the alley and holding my right hand up to him. “The ring gave it away. Blake custom designed it for me.”

I could see the slight surprise in his eyes when I turned to face him, before he leaned his head back against the wall and sighed. I knew I should never have lied to Blake about what had happened between Seth and me, but I couldn’t just act like what Seth did was okay. He could have potentially ruined my relationship with Blake, and more than that he used a weak moment to get me to agree to let him show personal pictures of me.

But then again, it was my stupid fault for agreeing to have pictures taken in the first place. I guess it was easier to blame him for my stupidity, because I didn’t let him off the hook.

“I’m sorry, Jos,” Seth said, when he opened his eyes to look at me.

“He left, Seth. I may not have been honest with him, but you just let everyone in the fucking world know that I slept with you and thought it would be okay to have a sick keepsake from it.” I saw anger starting to cloud Seth’s eyes as he listened to me finish my outburst. He slanted his eyes at me and leaned forward.

“You think what we did and had together was sick, Josie? Because I am pretty sure those pictures captured every fucking ounce of pure pleasure the both of us felt while we were together.” He walked towards me, and I took a step back. He pointed at me and continued his pursuit. “I’m sorry I used a weak moment of yours to ask for permission to show them, but I sure as
hell
won’t stand here and pretend that what we did was disgusting. That’s a fucking insult to me and your own integrity.”

I was angry. He didn’t understand that I was angry because this could be the end of my relationship with Blake. He didn’t understand that I didn’t want someone to own a picture of me having sex. It really had never been on my bucket list to become a nude model.

“And as for Blake, Jos,” he said as he came within an inch of me. “If he wants to leave you here over that, then he isn’t worth your time. If he can’t get over this one thing you did ‘wrong’ after you put up with all of his shit, then I’m fucking glad he left.” He paused, looked me deep in the eyes, and then continued, “I hope you don’t take him back either, Jos, because you could do so much better than him.” His voice had dropped on the last part of his sentence as he leaned in and spoke next to my ear.

I pushed him away from me and glared at him. “Who’s better, Seth? You? You think I would want to be with you after all of this shit tonight? You had your shot with me, and you wanted to see other people!” I was so infuriated that he would insinuate that he could be better for me than Blake. I got over him! He didn’t want me, and it wasn’t fair for him to play with my emotions like that.

He had seemed angry with me, but his eyes softened at the last bit of information that came out of my stupid mouth.
Why in the world would I tell him that?
I chastised myself.

“I
always
wanted you, Josie. Always.” He came up to me and grabbed my chin so that I was looking at him in the eyes. I was overwhelmed with emotion: sadness, worry, sorrow, loss, confusion, guilt, love. I tried to look away from him, but he kept me firmly in place. He wrapped his other arm around my waist and pulled me against him. He brought his lips closer to mine, and placed them so very gently against mine. He looked back up at me, and I was too shocked to do or say anything, so he brought his lips back down to mine, only with a lot more force.

I could feel the raw emotion and passion emanating from him in that kiss. He always was able to make me feel like I was the only girl in the world in just one kiss. His lips could do what no other had ever been able to do. While it felt amazing and made my heart race, it wasn’t right, and I knew I needed to stop it before it went any further. I pushed on him as hard as I could, until I was able to get him off of my lips.

“I can’t… we can’t do this, Seth! What the hell are you thinking? I am madly in love with Blake!”

“You want to go back to him after he left you here? He threw a fit about something that could have been explained easily! You didn’t do anything wrong Josie; he should
never
have left.” He ran his hands through his hair, and came back towards me. “I am madly in love with
you
, Josie. It makes me sick to see you keep going back to him, when I know I can give you everything in this fucking world. I would go to the ends of the fucking earth to make you mine, and keep you there.”

Shock ran through my veins, and my breathing was short. I could feel the anxiety attack building inside of my chest. My breathing was rapid from trying to catch a full breath, and my chest started to feel as if weights were pressing against it. I walked over to the wall, dodging Seth’s advance, and sat down pulling my head in between my legs as I rocked back and forth.
How can he do this? He can’t be saying this right now!
I knew that I didn’t want to lose my best friend, but I also knew that this moment was going to change something between us. I could either accept his offer and lose Blake, or hurt my best friend immensely and keep Blake.

“Why, Seth? Why are you saying this now? I moved on,” I looked up at him, and I knew my face screamed sorrow, because he cringed when he saw me. “I was falling for you and then I saw you getting a blow job at that party. I was going to tell you how I was feeling until I saw you. Even then, you beat me to it when you told me you wanted to stop seeing me. Then I met Blake…” The last part didn’t need any further explanation. It was clear what I meant. He let go of me, and then I found someone who reciprocated my feelings.

“I did it to forget about you, Pussy Cat,” he said and knelt in front of me. “I remember what you’re talking about, and all I could think about was you. I was trying to get you out of my head. You were gone on vacation and I couldn’t stop fucking thinking about you. All I knew was that you were my best friend and I fell in love with you. I didn’t think you felt anything for me, and I thought with school starting you would like an easy out. I fell in love with you that summer, Jos.”

His hand came out and brushed a piece of hair behind my ear. “I had hoped you would realize what we had together, but you never came around. I lost you the night you met Blake.”

“He’s
it
for me Seth…” I said to him softly.

“So you’re going to take him back then, Jos?” He glared at me as he asked me the question.

“He had every right to be mad at me, Seth. I lied to him ever since we started dating about you and me. But yes, I will not end our relationship. He never said it was over, he just said he needed to think,” I said to him, but he had already bolted up and was walking away from me.

“Fuck!” He yelled into the night, pulling at his blonde hair in agitation. “
Fuck
it, Josie! I just poured my fucking heart out to you!”

I got up, guilt and sadness overpowering my emotions. “Seth-,”

“No! Don’t fucking come near me. You don’t feel anything anymore, Jos? It just disappeared?”

“I love Blake…” I responded quietly.

“So what… last summer was just a way to get him out of your fucking mind? And now you think it’s disgusting?

“Please S-,”

“Just stop, Josie! Just fucking stop! You used me and I was in fucking love with you and let you. I was so stupid to think that someone as perfect as you could fall for me. But it didn’t stop me from trying.”

“I didn’t think it was disgusting Seth, and I didn’t
use
you!”

“Then why did you do it, Josie? Why did you come back the second time?” he said angrily, coming up to me.

I took a moment to absorb the question. I knew that this question had a couple answers that I could have replied with. Did I do it for attention? For affection? To get over Blake? To feel something other than sadness? All of those answers were a yes, but why did I do it to
him?

“Because I knew you wouldn’t say no to me…,” I said finally, my voice low with guilt.

 His shoulders slumped as the weight of my words pressed down onto him. I
did
use him, and I had never, until that moment, realized how bad it was for me to do that to him. I didn’t regret anything that happened with him, because I loved him, but I did regret not thinking about how it was a terrible thing to do to him. Seth nodded before lifting his chin and glaring at me.

“Well good luck with your asshole boyfriend, Josie. I had hoped you would realize that it was me you were supposed to be with, but I see that it’s useless now.”

He was about to leave, and anxiousness filled me and tears started to fill my once dry and empty eyes. I couldn’t imagine losing my best friend, and I could feel him slipping from me.

“I’m so sorry Seth. I-,” I started and reached out for him, but was cut off again by the anger in Seth’s voice, slicing my heart into pieces.

“Don’t fucking say you’re sorry, Josie. You used me! You knew that I would do anything for you and you used that so that you could…what? Stop thinking about Blake? Compare me to Blake? It doesn’t fucking matter anymore.”

The last part of his statement scared me, because I could feel the finality in the sentence. “What do you mean it doesn’t matter?”

“It means, Pussy Cat, that I’m fucking done. I’m
done.
You think what we had was sick, and I thought it was the best thing to happen to me. So, I’m done.”

He came to me and looked me straight in my tear filled eyes, and all I could see was loathing in his eyes. He really was done, and made it clear in that one look. When he spoke, his voice was low and filled with hurt, anger, detestation, and sadness.

“I wish I had never let you kiss me that first night,” he paused, his eyes filling with resentment, “…because then I wouldn’t have been doomed to fall in love with a callous and heartless bitch.”

Each word he spat at me felt like a stab into my stomach and chest. I felt sick as I listened to him. I watched him walk away from me and my life in a daze. Our relationship would never be the same.

Chapter 30

Friday Present

That moment was the start of my life plan going off course.

That’s not entirely true. If that ugly man had never touched me, then Seth’s and my friendship would still be intact. I would never have had any reason to fear intimacy, and we would never have tried to change anything in our relationship. I just didn’t realize how much that one thing could fuck up the course of the rest of my life.

I had worked so hard for days, months, and then years to get over being raped, but the truth is, that it will never leave me. It will never go away. I will always have the demon of sexual aggression digging its claws into my skin and reaching into my soul. I am scarred.

I’m in the shower remembering that pivotal moment in my life, and trying my hardest to rinse off the grime, guilt, and pain that is still clinging to my skin. I just got back from school, and on my drive, I couldn’t get Seth out of my head. I wanted to talk to him. To tell him about losing Daddy and try to fix our friendship, but I still can’t seem to gather the courage to talk to him.

He kept his distance from me after that dreadful night, and I fell into a depression over losing my best friend. I don’t know how Blake knew, but not fifteen minutes after Seth left me crying on the side of the building, he came and found me. He whispered in my ear as he picked me up in his strong arms and carried me to his car. I don’t remember what he said, because I was in my own depressive state, but I know he was comforting me. I felt a sort of peace as he took me in his arms. Things were not okay, but knowing he had come back for me was all I needed.

I made it through graduation and most of the summer without hearing anything from Seth. Blake apologized for leaving, and proceeded to tell me that he wasn’t upset or angry about what happened. He supported me and trusted me that it was over.

No matter how many times I snapped at him that summer, or how many times I shut him out because I was mourning the loss of my best friend, he never gave up and never left me to deal with it on my own. He continually showed me how he was there for me, and gave me the courage and strength to get through what happened. I was a strong woman, and I just had to pull myself out of the rut. It helped having people who loved me around, but I will always be proud of my own strength for surviving another blow in my life.

As I put on my clothes, I resolve that during the weekend I will write an email to Seth and let him know, from me, about my Daddy’s passing. I call my dad and make sure that he is doing okay and isn’t starving himself to death. He’s sad and a little withdrawn, but he answered his phone, and that’s a start.

Blake and I are going to go to the festival that the park is having tonight. Every year it seems to get better and better, and we both are excited to go out and do something fun together.

We had a good night last night after we both let go of our frustrations. He accepted the fact that I wanted to wait to talk, and I was grateful to him for that. A smile tugs at the corner of my lips as I slide a white eyelet dress over my body. It’s short and a little revealing, but it’s pretty and still looks appropriate. The back is low, so it’s sweet and sexy at the same time. I flip my hair over, so I can blow dry it into soft waves that will fall down my back.

I want to look irresistible to Blake tonight. He and I are going to talk about our problems, and I want to make sure there’s enough leg showing to distract him in case things don’t go well. I know that it is probably irrelevant, but… well, he’s a guy, so it might distract him.

As I am slipping on my ballet flats, I hear a knock at the door. I sigh softly under my breath because he never used to knock when he practically lived here. I always used to chide him for not knocking since it was never technically his place, but I was just teasing him. This apartment was our home, and that knock at the door is a sad reminder that things aren’t the same.

It’s better than no knock or no Blake entering my house unannounced though, so I don’t let it get me upset. I open the door with a big grin, and take in the handsome man in front of me. He looks edible in snug dark jeans and dark grey t-shirt. I seriously want to lick his whole body right in the middle of the hallway in my apartment complex. His lips curve into a sexy sly smile as if he knows exactly where my thoughts have gone.