The 3 Mistakes Of My Life (25 page)

well there is a match on.'

We heard two consecutive roars in the pol. The Indian innings had reached the

slog overs.

She released my hand as I sat down again. She looked beautiful as the

candlelight flickered on her face. A song called 'No matter what' started to play.

Like with all romantic songs, the lyrics seemed tailor-made for us.

No matter what they tell us

No matter what they do

No matter what they teach us

What we believe is true

The candle flames appeared to move to the rhythm of the music. She cut the

cake with the plastic knife that came in the box. I wished her again and put a

piece of cake in her mouth. She held it in her mouth and leaned towards me. She

pushed me back on the cushions and brought her mouth close to mine for my

share of the cake.

She kissed me like she never had before. It wasn't like she did anything

different, but there seemed to be more feeling behind it. Her hands came to my

shoulders and under my shirt.

The music continued.

I can't deny what I believe

I can't be what I'm not

I know this love's forever

That's all that matters now

I don't know if it was the candlelight or the birthday mood or the cushions or

what. But it was then that I made the second mistake of my life.

I opened the top button of her kurti and slid my fingers inside. A voice inside

stopped me, I took my hand out. But she continued to kiss me as she unbuttoned

the rest of her top. She pulled my fingers towards her again.

'Vidya...' By this time my hand was in places impossible to withdraw from for

any guy. So, I went with the flow, feelings, desire, nature or whatever else people

called the stuff that evaporated human rationality.

She took off her kurti. 'Remove your hand, they won't run away.'

'Huh?' I said.

'How else do I remove this?' she said, pointing to her bra. I moved my hands to

her stomach as she took the bra off and lay on top of me.

'Take it off,' she said, tugging at my shirt. At this point, I could have jumped off

the terrace if she asked me to. I followed her instruction instantly.

The music didn't stop, and neither did we. We went further and further as the

tiny cake candles burned out one by one. Sweat beads glistened on our bodies.

Vidya didn't say anything throughout, apart from one time in the middle.

'Are you going to go down on me?' she said, after she had done the same to me.

I went down, and came back up. We looked into each other's eyes as we

became one. The screams from the pols continued as England lost wickets.

Only four candles remained burning by the time we finished. We combined the

six cushions to make one mattress and lay on it. Only after we were done did we

realise how cold and chilly it really was. We covered ourselves in my jacket and

dug our cold feet inside the lower cushions.

'Wow, I am an adult and am no longer a virgin, so cool. Thank God,' she said

and giggled. She cuddled next to me. A sense of reality struck as the passion

subsided.
What have you done Mr Govind Patel?

'See, I still have goosebumps,' she said and lifted her arm. Little pink bumps

dotted her flawless, fair skin.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, Govind, what are you doing right now? Touching her

goosebumps?
The voice in me grew stronger.

I am so glad this happened. Aren't you?' she said.

I kept quiet.

'Say something.'

'I should get going.'

'Don't you like it here?'

'Here? You realise we are on top of your dad and mom and brother?'

'Stop freaking out,' she said.

'I am sorry. I am nervous,' I said.

'Don't be,' she said and hugged me. She felt my body shake. 'You ok?'

I didn't know why, but I had tears in my eyes. Maybe I felt scared. Maybe

because no one had held me like that ever and asked if I was ok. Maybe because I

never knew it would be possible for me to feel like this. Maybe because I had

betrayed my best friend. I normally never cried, but with so many reasons at the

same time, it was impossible not to.

'Hey, I'm the girl. Let me do this part,' she said. I looked into her moist eyes.

I sat up and dressed. We came outside as the moon lit up the terrace. I

checked my watch. I had overshot the class time by thirty minutes.

'I love you,' she said from behind as I opened the terrace door.

'Happy birthday,' I said and left.

'Hey, you missed the best part. We will win this. Stay on,' Ish said as I reached

downstairs.

'No, I'm quite tired. I'll watch it at home,' I said as I reached the main door.

'Eat dinner, son,' Ish's mother said as she set the table. 'I've made special

dishes for Vidya's birthday.

'No aunty, my mummy has cooked at home as well,' I said. I had already

celebrated her daughter's birthday.

'Such a good boy,' she said fondly as I left the house.

Seventeen

Hold it tight, it is shaking,' Omi said. He stood on his toes on a stool to reach

the ceiling. We wanted to drop the tricolour ribbons from the ceiling fan. I held

the legs of the stool, Ish stood next to us with glue and cellotape.

'I'll fall,' Omi warned, dangling his right foot off the stool.

'It's not my fault. The stool has creaky legs,' I said.

I never wanted to celebrate Republic Day, which came in a week. However, we

did want to celebrate our resurrection after the earthquake a year ago. Though

thoughts about that day still made me tremble, I was relieved to have fully paid

off our loans. Our business had tripled from a year ago and it all happened from

this shop.

'January 26 preparations? Keep it up,' Mama's entry distracted us all. Omi

toppled from the stool and landed on the floor. The ribbons fell on his head.

'You let go!' he accused me as everyone laughed.

Mama placed a brown bag of samosas and some yellow pamphlets on the table.

We grabbed a samosa each.

'What exactly are you counting?' I asked idly. 'The number of times we have

made love,' she replied. 'Wow, our score is eight already.' 'You keep track?' I said.

'I keep track of a lot of things.' 'Like what?'

'Like today is 21 Feb, only five days to my period. Hence, it is a safe day.'

'It's safe anyway. I used a condom,' I said as I shifted my cushion for comfort.

'Oh? So now you trust physics over mathematics?' she said and giggled. She

flipped over to rest on her elbows and poked her toes into my shins.

'Are you still embarrassed to buy condoms?'

'I get them from an unknown chemist in Satellite. And I have enough now for a

while.'

'Oh really,' she climbed over me. 'So no problem in using a couple more then?'

With that, our score reached nine.

'Goodnight aunty,' I said to Vidya's mom. I always hated that part, the point

when aunty offered me something to eat or asked me why I worked so hard.

I walked back home with my thoughts. Nine times in two months. We made

love on an average of once a week. Nine times meant I had lost all benefit of

doubt. I couldn't say that I had made love to her by accident, in an impulsive

moment. You don't do things by accident nine times. Though sometimes, another

kind

of accident can happen. And I found out exactly five days later.

★

'There is something you should know,' she said.

We had come to the Ahmedabad Textile Industries Research Association's

(ATIRA) campus lawns. She had SMSed me that we needed to go for an 'urgent

walk', whatever that meant. We had said at home that we had to go and buy a

really good maths guide. No one questioned us after that. The ATIRA lawns in

Vastrapur swell with strollers in the evening. Several couples held hands. I

wanted to but did not. We fixed our gaze on the ground and did a slow walk. Fat

aunties wearing sarees and sneakers and with a firm resolve to lose weight

overtook us.

'What's up?' I said and bought a packet of groundnuts.

'Something is late,' she said.

I tried to think of what she was referring to. I couldn't.

'What?' I said.

'My period,' she said.

Men cannot respond when the P-word is being talked about. For the most part,

it freaks them out.

'Really? How?' I said, struggling for words.

'What do you mean how? It should have happened yesterday, the 25th, but

hasn't.'

'Are you sure?'

'Excuse me? I wouldn't know if it has happened?' she said and stopped to look

at me.

'No, I meant are you sure it was due on 25th Feb?' 'I am not that bad at

maths.'

'Ok but...,' I said. I had created the problem. I had nothing of value to offer in

the discussion. I offered her groundnuts. She declined.

'But what?' she said.

'But we used protection. And how does it work with girls? Are they always on

time?' I asked. Nothing in the world was always exactly on time.

'Mine are. Normally I don't care. But now that I am with you, even a slight

delay scares me. And the anxiety creates more delay'

'Do you want to see a doctor?' I was desperate to suggest a solution.

'And say what? Please check if I am pregnant?'

Another P-word to freak men out. No, she did not say that 'You can't be

pregnant?' I said.

Sweat erupted on my forehead like I had jogged thrice around the ATIRA lawns.

I rubbed my hands and took deep breaths.

'Why not?' she retorted, her face tense. 'And can you be supportive and not

hyperventilate.'

'Let's sit down,' I said and pointed to a bench. I threw the packet of groundnuts

in the dustbin. She sat next to me. I debated whether I should put my arm

around her. My being close to he had caused this anyway. She kept quiet. Two

tears came rolling out of her eyes. God, I had to figure out something. My mind

processed the alternatives at lightning speed, (a)
Make her laugh - bad idea,{b)

Step away and let her be - no,
(c)
Suggest potential solutions like the A word - hell

no,
(d)
Hold her - maybe, ok hold her, hold her and tell her you will be there for her.

Do it, moron.

I slid closer to her on the bench and embraced her. She hid her face on my

shoulder and cried. Her hands clutched my shirt

'Don't worry, I will be there for you,' I said.

'Why, why is it so unfair? Why do only I have to deal with this?' she cried, 'why

can't you get pregnant at the same time?'

Because I am biologically male, I wanted to say. But I think she knew that.

'Listen Vidya, we used the rhythm method, we used protection I know it is not

hundred per cent but the probability is so low...'

Vidya just shook her head and cried. Maths is always horrible at reassuring

people. Nobody believed in probability in emotional moments.

A family walked by. The man carried a fat boy on his shoulders. I found it

symbolic of the potential burden in my life. The thought train started again.
I am

twenty-two years old. I have big dreams for my business. I have my mother to

support. Come to think of it, I have to take care of my friends' careers too. And

Vidya? She is only eighteen. She has to study more, be a PR person or whatever

she wants to be. She couldn't move from one prison to the next. Ok, worst case I

have to mention the A-word.

She slid away from me. The crying had made her eyes wet and face pink. She

looked even more beautiful.
Why can't men stop noticing beauty, ever?
We stood

up to walk back after a few minutes.

'Let's wait for a day or two more. We'll see what we have to do then,' I said as

we reached the auto stand.

'It's probably a false alarm. I'm overreacting. I should have waited for a day or

two longer before telling you,' she said. She clasped my fingers in the auto. Her

face vacillated from calm to worried.

We kept quiet in the auto for five minutes. Then I had to say it. 'Vidya, in case,

just in case it is not a false alarm. What are we going to do? Or should we talk

about it later?'

'You tell me, what do you want to do?'

When women ask you for your choice, they already have a choice in mind. And

if you want to maintain sanity, you'd better choose the same.

I looked into her eyes to find out the answer she expected from me. I couldn't

find it.

'I don't know. This is too big a news for me. I can't say what we will do.

Pregnancy, abortion, I don't know how all this works.'

'You want me to get an abortion?'

'No, no. I said I don't know. What's the other option, marriage?'

'Excuse me, I am eighteen. I just passed out of school,' she said.

'Then what?'