The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts (11 page)

There is an intangible gift that sometimes speaks more loudly than a gift that can be held in one’s hand. I call it the gift of self or the gift of presence. Being there when your spouse needs you speaks loudly to the one whose primary love language is receiving gifts. Jan once said to me, “My husband, Don, loves softball more than he loves me.”

“Why do you say that?” I inquired.

“On the day our baby was born, he played softball. I was lying in the hospital all afternoon while he played softball,” she said.

“Was he there when the baby was born?”

“Oh yes. He stayed long enough for the baby to be born, but ten minutes afterward, he left to play softball. I was devastated. It was such an important moment in our lives. I wanted us to share it together. I wanted him to be there with me. Don deserted me to play.”

That husband may have sent her a dozen roses, but they would not have spoken as loudly as his presence in the hospital room beside her. I could tell Jan was deeply hurt by that experience. The “baby” was now fifteen years old, and she was talking about the event with all the emotion as though it had happened yesterday. I probed further. “Have you based your conclusion that Don loves softball more than he loves you on this one experience?”

“No,” she said. “On the day of my mother’s funeral, he also played softball.”

“Did he go to the funeral?”

“Yes, he did. He went to the funeral, but as soon as it was over, he left to play softball. I couldn’t believe it. My brothers and sisters came to the house with me, but my husband was playing softball.”

Later, I asked Don about those two events. “I had done what I thought was important to her, but it wasn’t enough,” said Don. “She has never let me forget those two days. She says I love softball more than I love her. That’s ridiculous.”

He was a sincere husband who failed to understand the tremendous power of presence. His being there for his wife was more important than anything else in her mind. Physical presence in the time of crisis is the most powerful gift you can give if your spouse’s primary love language is receiving gifts. Your body becomes the symbol of your love. Remove the symbol, and the sense of love evaporates. In counseling, Don and Jan worked through the hurts and misunderstandings of the past. Eventually, Jan was able to forgive him, and Don came to understand why his presence was so important to her.

If the physical presence of your spouse is important to you, I urge you to verbalize that to your spouse. Don’t expect him to read your mind. If, on the other hand, your spouse says to you, “I really want you to be there with me tonight, tomorrow, this afternoon,” take his request seriously. From your perspective, it may not be important; but if you are not responsive to that request, you may be communicating a message you do not intend.

When Claire’s husband came home for R&R, he was a changed man. He had survived an attack of sixty mortars. Twelve of his comrades had not. But the last thing he wanted to do was talk about it. “Jake would sit in the living room by himself and wouldn’t say anything, except to tell the kids to get away,” said Claire. “I didn’t know what to do. I just sat beside him on the couch and didn’t say a word.” Sometimes she put her hand on his knee or arm. One time she sat and held his hand for an hour. Sometimes he would squeeze her hand and cry. For eighteen days, she just sat with him as often as she could, never saying anything.

When the time came to bring him back to the airport, Jake gave her a big kiss and hug. “Sweetheart,” he told her, “I’ve never felt closer to you than I have in the last few weeks.” Claire was shocked. But from Jake’s perspective, she had given him the gift of herself, with no strings attached. He would never forget those weeks of silent companionship.

Almost everything ever written on the subject of love indicates that at the heart of love is the spirit of giving. All five love languages challenge us to give to our spouse, but for some, receiving gifts, visible symbols of love, speaks the loudest. I heard the most graphic illustration of that truth in Chicago, where I met Doug and Kate.

They attended my marriage seminar and agreed to take me to O’Hare Airport after the seminar on Saturday afternoon. We had two or three hours before my flight, and they asked if I would like to stop at a restaurant. I was famished, so I readily assented.

Kate began talking almost immediately after we sat down. She said, “Dr. Chapman, God used you to perform a miracle in our marriage. Three years ago, we attended your marriage seminar here in Chicago for the first time. I was desperate,” she said. “I was thinking seriously of leaving Doug and had told him so. Our marriage had been empty for a long time. I had given up. For years, I had complained to Doug that I needed his love, but he never responded. I grew to hate him.

“For years,” she continued, “I tried to be a good wife. I did all the things I thought a good wife should do. I had sex with him because I knew that was important to him, but I felt no love coming from him. I felt like he stopped dating me after we got married and simply took me for granted. I felt used and unappreciated.

“When I talked to Doug about my feelings, he’d laugh at me and say we had as good a marriage as anybody else in the community. He didn’t understand why I was so unhappy. He would remind me that the bills were paid, we had a nice house and a new car, I was free to work or not work outside the home, and I should be happy instead of complaining all the time. He didn’t even try to understand my feelings. I felt totally rejected.

“Well, anyway,” she said as she moved her tea and leaned forward, “we came to your seminar three years ago. I did not know what to expect, and frankly I didn’t expect much. I didn’t think anybody could change Doug. During and after the seminar, he didn’t say too much.

“Then Monday afternoon, he came home from work and gave me a rose. ‘Where did you get that?’ I asked. ‘I bought it from a street vendor,’ he said. ‘I thought you deserved a rose.’ I started crying. ‘Oh, Doug, that is so sweet of you.’

“On Tuesday he called me from the office to ask what I thought about his buying a pizza and bringing it home for dinner so I could enjoy a break from cooking. I told him I thought the idea was wonderful, and so he brought home a pizza and we had a fun time together. The children loved the pizza and thanked their father for bringing it. I actually gave him a hug and told him how much I enjoyed it.

“When he came home on Wednesday, he brought each of the children a box of Cracker Jacks, and he had a small potted plant for me. He said he knew the rose would die, and he thought I might like something that would be around for a while. I was beginning to think I was hallucinating! I couldn’t believe what Doug was doing or why he was doing it.

“Thursday night after dinner, he handed me a card with a message about his not always being able to express his love to me but hoping that the card would communicate how much he cared. ‘Why don’t we get a babysitter on Saturday night and the two of us go out for dinner?’ he suggested. ‘That would be wonderful,’ I said. On Friday afternoon, he stopped by the cookie shop and bought each of us one of our favorite cookies. Again, he kept it as a surprise, telling us only that he had a treat for dessert.

“By Saturday night,” she said, “I was in orbit. I had no idea what had come over Doug, or if it would last, but I was enjoying every minute of it. After our dinner at the restaurant, I said to him, ‘Doug, you have to tell me what’s happening. I don’t understand.’”

She looked at me intently and said, “Dr. Chapman, you have to understand. This man had never given me a flower since the day we got married. He never gave me a card for any occasion. He always said, ‘It’s a waste of money; you look at the card and throw it away.’ We’d been out to dinner one time in five years. He never bought the children anything and expected me to buy only the essentials. He had never brought a pizza home for dinner. He expected me to have dinner ready every night. I mean, this was a radical change in his behavior.”

I turned to Doug and asked, “What did you say to her in the restaurant when she asked you what was going on?”

“I told her I had listened to your lecture on love languages at the seminar and I realized her love language was gifts. I also realized I had not given her a gift in years, maybe not since we had been married. I remembered when we were dating I used to bring her flowers and other small gifts, but after marriage I figured we couldn’t afford that. I told her I had decided to try to get her a gift every day for one week and see if it made any difference in her. I had to admit I had seen a pretty big difference in her attitude during the week.

“I told her I realized what you said was really true, and learning the right love language was the key to helping another person feel loved. I said I was sorry I had been so dense for all those years and had failed to meet her need for love. I told her I really loved her and I appreciated all the things she did for me and the children. I told her with God’s help, I was going to be a gift giver for the rest of my life.

“She said, ‘But, Doug, you can’t go on buying me gifts every day for the rest of your life. You can’t afford that.’ ‘Well, maybe not every day,’ I said, ‘but at least once a week. That would be fifty-two more gifts per year than what you have received in the past five years.’ I continued, ‘And who said I was going to buy all of them? I might even make some of them, or I’ll take Dr. Chapman’s idea and pick a free flower from the front yard in the spring.’”

“I don’t think he has missed a single week in three years,” Kate said. “He is like a new man. You wouldn’t believe how happy we have been. Our children call us lovebirds now. My tank is full and overflowing.”

I turned to Doug and asked, “But what about you, Doug? Do you feel loved by Kate?”

“Oh, I’ve always felt loved by her, Dr. Chapman. She is the best housekeeper in the world. She is an excellent cook. She is wonderful about doing things for the children. I know she loves me.” He smiled and said, “Now, you know what my love language is, don’t you?”

I did, and I also knew why Kate had used the word
miracle
.

Gifts need not be expensive, nor must they be given weekly. But for some individuals, their worth has nothing to do with monetary value and everything to do with love.