The 5 Love Languages Military Edition: The Secret to Love That Lasts (14 page)

W
e have long known that physical touch is a way of communicating emotional love. Numerous research projects in the area of child development have made that conclusion: Babies who are held, hugged, and kissed develop a healthier emotional life than those who are left for long periods of time without physical contact.

Physical touch is also a powerful vehicle for communicating marital love. Holding hands, kissing, embracing, and sexual intercourse are all ways of communicating emotional love to one’s spouse. For some individuals, physical touch is their primary love language. Without it, they feel unloved. With it, their emotional tank is filled, and they feel secure in the love of their spouse.

Of the five senses, touching, unlike the other four, is not limited to one localized area of the body. Tiny tactile receptors are located throughout the body. When those receptors are touched or pressed, nerves carry impulses to the brain. The brain interprets these impulses and we perceive the thing that touched us is warm or cold, hard or soft. It causes pain or pleasure. We may also interpret it as loving or hostile.

Some parts of the body are more sensitive than others. The difference is due to the fact that the tiny tactile receptors are not scattered evenly over the body but arranged in clusters. Thus, the tip of the tongue is highly sensitive to touch whereas the back of the shoulders is the least sensitive. The tips of the fingers and the tip of the nose are other extremely sensitive areas. Our purpose, however, is not to understand the neurological basis of the sense of touch but rather its psychological importance.

Physical touch can make or break a relationship. It can communicate hate or love. To the person whose primary love language is physical touch, the message will be far louder than the words “I hate you” or “I love you.” A slap in the face is detrimental to any child, but it’s devastating to a child whose primary love language is touch. A tender hug communicates love to any child, but it shouts love to the child whose primary love language is physical touch. The same is true of adults.

In marriage, the touch of love may take many forms. Since touch receptors are located throughout the body, lovingly touching your spouse almost anywhere can be an expression of love. That does not mean that all touches are created equal. Some will bring more pleasure to your spouse than others. Your best instructor is your spouse, of course. After all, she is the one you are seeking to love. She knows best what she perceives as a loving touch. Don’t insist on touching her in your way and in your time. Learn to speak her love dialect. Your spouse may find some touches uncomfortable or irritating. To insist on continuing those touches is to communicate the opposite of love. It says you are not sensitive to her needs and you care little about her perceptions of what is pleasant. Don’t make the mistake of believing the touch that brings pleasure to you will also bring pleasure to her.

Love touches may be explicit and demand your full attention such as in a back rub or sexual foreplay, culminating in intercourse. On the other hand, love touches may be implicit and require only a moment, such as putting your hand on his shoulder as you pour a cup of coffee or rubbing your body against him as you pass in the kitchen. Explicit love touches obviously take more time, not only in actual touching but in developing your understanding of how to communicate love to your spouse this way. If a back massage communicates love loudly to your spouse, then the time, money, and energy you spend in learning to be a good masseur or masseuse will be well invested. If sexual intercourse is your mate’s primary dialect, reading about and discussing the art of sexual lovemaking will enhance your expression of love.

Implicit love touches require little time but much thought, especially if physical touch is not your primary love language and if you did not grow up in a “touching family.” Sitting close to each other as you watch your favorite television program requires no additional time but may communicate your love loudly. Touching your spouse as you walk through the room where he is sitting takes only a moment. Touching each other when you leave the house and again when you return may involve only a brief kiss or hug but will speak volumes to your spouse.

Janie is one who did not grow up in a “touching” family. “So when Ben returned from deployment, I felt like he was touching me all the time,” she said. “It was a rough spot in our marriage. I was pregnant with our first child, we were in Alaska, and I just wanted him to stop touching me. It irritated me, and I thought it was piggish of him. I thought he was always wanting intimacy.” She chalked it up to his selfishness, and considered herself in a one-sided marriage. Ben’s response to her resistance was anger and defensiveness.

Then she read
The 5 Love Languages
. “Suddenly, I realized he was pouring love on me when he was touching me, because physical touch is his love language!” Janie said. “So I had a decision to make. Was I going to choose to love him the way he needed to be loved, or was I going to hold on to my personality and refuse to give him that?”

It still doesn’t come naturally to Janie, but she deliberately speaks Ben’s love language now. “If he comes into the kitchen, I will pat him first or touch his shoulder when I walk by,” she said. “Immediately, when I made the change, the perceived clinginess subsided. The more I made an effort to meet his need, the less consuming it was to me.”

Once you discover physical touch is the primary love language of your spouse, you are limited only by your imagination on ways to express love. Coming up with new ways and places to touch can be an exciting challenge. If you have not been an “under-the-table toucher,” you might find it will add a spark to your dining out. If you are not accustomed to holding hands in public, you may find you can fill your spouse’s emotional love tank as you stroll through the parking lot. If you don’t normally kiss as soon as you get into the car together, you may find it will greatly enhance your travels. Hugging your spouse before she goes shopping may not only express love, it may bring her home sooner. Try new touches in new places and let your spouse give you feedback on whether he finds it pleasurable or not. Remember, he has the final word. You are learning to speak his language.

Just as important as learning physical touch is your spouse’s love language may be the discovery that it is not. This was certainly the case for Vince and his wife, Audrey, who is active duty. Vince’s primary love language is physical touch, but it barely registers on Audrey’s list at all. “I often find myself becoming extremely jealous of the guys around her because, of course, in the military there are so many,” said Vince. “In the past my heart soured at the thought of the lack of physical touch I received, but now I understand what fills my ‘love tank’ doesn’t fill hers. So when she does go out of her way to offer me some sort of physical touch, it means so much more. Instead of being jealous and wondering how on earth she could not want my physical touch, thinking she must want someone else’s, I now get it. I get that she isn’t looking toward someone else for that physical touch, she just doesn’t require it.”

Whatever there is of me resides in my body. To touch my body is to touch me. To withdraw from my body is to distance yourself from me emotionally. In our society shaking hands is a way of communicating openness and social closeness to another individual. When on rare occasions one man refuses to shake hands with another, it communicates a message that things are not right in their relationship. All societies have some form of physical touching as a means of social greeting. The average American male may not feel comfortable with the European bear hug and kiss, but in Europe that serves the same function as our shaking hands.

There are appropriate and inappropriate ways to touch members of the opposite sex in every society. The recent attention to sexual harassment has highlighted the inappropriate ways. Within marriage, however, what is appropriate and inappropriate touching is determined by the couple themselves, within certain broad guidelines. Physical abuse is of course deemed inappropriate by society, and social organizations have been formed to help “the battered wife and the battered husband.” Clearly our bodies are for touching, but not for abuse.

This age is characterized as the age of sexual openness and freedom. With that freedom, we have demonstrated that the open marriage where both spouses are free to have sexual intimacies with other individuals is fanciful. Those who do not object on moral grounds eventually object on emotional grounds. Something about our need for intimacy and love does not allow us to give our spouse such freedom. The emotional pain is deep and intimacy evaporates when we are aware our spouse is involved with someone else sexually. Counselors’ files are filled with records of husbands and wives who are trying to grapple with the emotional trauma of an unfaithful spouse. That trauma, however, is compounded for the individual whose primary love language is physical touch. That for which he longs so deeply—love expressed by physical touch—is now being given to another. His emotional love tank is not only empty; it has been riddled by an explosion. It will take massive repairs for those emotional needs to be met.

Almost instinctively in a time of crisis, we hug one another. Why? Because physical touch is a powerful communicator of love. In a time of crisis, more than anything, we need to feel loved. We cannot always change events, but we can survive if we feel loved.

All marriages will experience crises. The death of parents is inevitable. Automobile accidents cripple and kill thousands each year. Disease is no respecter of persons. Disappointments are a part of life. The most important thing you can do for your mate in a time of crisis is to love him or her. If your spouse’s primary love language is physical touch, nothing is more important than holding her as she cries. Your words may mean little, but your physical touch will communicate you care. Crises provide a unique opportunity for expressing love. Your tender touches will be remembered long after the crisis has passed. Your failure to touch may never be forgotten.

Since my first visit to West Palm Beach, Florida, many years ago, I have always welcomed invitations to lead marriage seminars in that area. It was on one such occasion I met Pete and Patsy. They were not native to Florida (few are), but they had lived there for twenty years and called West Palm Beach home. My seminar was sponsored by a local church, and as we drove from the airport, the pastor informed me Pete and Patsy had requested I spend the night at their house. I tried to act excited, but knew from experience that such a request usually meant a late-night counseling session.

As the pastor and I entered the spacious, well-decorated, Spanish-style house, I was introduced to Patsy and to Charlie, the family cat. Pete came home shortly, and we had a delightful snack together and agreed we would have dinner after the seminar. Several hours later while sharing dinner, I kept waiting for the counseling session to begin. It never did. Instead, I found Pete and Patsy to be a healthy, happily married couple. For a counselor, that is an oddity. The next day, as we were driving to the airport, forty-five minutes away, Pete and Patsy shared their story. In the early years of their marriage, they had tremendous difficulties. They had grown up in the same community, attended the same church, and graduated from the same high school. Their parents had similar lifestyles and values. Pete and Patsy enjoyed many of the same things. They both liked tennis and boating, and they often talked about how many interests they held in common. They seemed to possess all the commonalities that are supposed to assure fewer conflicts in marriage.

They began dating in their senior year in high school. They attended separate colleges but saw each other frequently, and were married three weeks after he received his degree in business and she a degree in sociology. Two months later, they moved to Florida where Pete had been offered a good job. They were two thousand miles from their nearest relative. They could enjoy a “honeymoon” forever. The first three months were exciting—moving, finding a new apartment, enjoying life together.

They were about six months into the marriage when Patsy began to feel Pete withdrawing from her. He was working longer hours, and when he was at home, he spent considerable time with the computer. When she finally expressed her feelings that he was avoiding her, Pete told her he was not avoiding her but simply trying to stay on top of his job. He said she didn’t understand the pressure he was under and how important it was that he do well in his first year on the job. Patsy wasn’t pleased, but she decided to give him space.

Patsy began to develop friendships with other wives who lived in the apartment complex. Often when she knew Pete was going to work late, she would go shopping with one of her friends instead of going straight home after work. Sometimes she was not at home when Pete arrived. That annoyed him greatly, and he accused her of being thoughtless and irresponsible. Patsy retorted, “Who is irresponsible? You don’t even call me and let me know when you will be home. How can I be here for you when I don’t even know when you will be here? And when you are here, you spend all your time with that dumb computer. You don’t need a wife; all you need is a computer!”

To which Pete loudly responded, “I do need a wife. Don’t you understand? That’s the whole point. I
do
need a wife.”

But Patsy did not understand. She was extremely confused. In her search for answers, she went to the public library and checked out several books on marriage. “Marriage is not supposed to be this way,” she reasoned. “I have to find an answer to our situation.” When Pete went to the computer room, Patsy would pick up her book. In fact on many evenings, she read until midnight. On his way to bed, Pete would notice her and make sarcastic comments such as, “If you read that much in college, you would have made straight As.” Patsy would respond, “I’m not in college. I’m in marriage, and right now, I’d be satisfied with a C.” Pete went to bed without so much as a second glance.

At the end of the first year, Patsy was desperate. She had mentioned it before, but this time she calmly said to Pete, “I am going to find a marriage counselor. Do you want to go with me?”

But Pete answered, “I don’t need a marriage counselor. I don’t have time to go to a marriage counselor. I can’t afford a marriage counselor.”

“Then I’ll go alone,” said Patsy.

“Fine, you’re the one who needs counseling anyway.”

The conversation was over. Patsy felt totally alone, but the next week she made an appointment with a marriage counselor. After three sessions, the counselor called Pete and asked if he would be willing to come in to talk about his perspective on their marriage. Pete agreed, and the process of healing began. Six months later, they left the counselor’s office with a new marriage.

I said to Pete and Patsy, “What did you learn in counseling that turned your marriage around?”

“In essence, Dr. Chapman,” Pete said, “we learned to speak each other’s love language. The counselor did not use that term, but as you gave the lecture today, the lights came on. My mind raced back to our counseling experience, and I realized that’s exactly what happened to us. We finally learned to speak each other’s love language.”

“So what is your love language, Pete?” I asked.

“Physical touch,” he said without hesitation.

“Physical touch for sure,” said Patsy.

“And yours, Patsy?”

“Quality time, Dr. Chapman. That’s what I was crying for in those days while he was spending all his time with his job and his computer.”

“How did you learn physical touch was Pete’s love language?”

“It took a while,” Patsy said. “Little by little, it began to come out in the counseling. At first, I don’t think Pete even realized it.”

“She’s right,” Pete said. “I was so insecure in my own sense of self-worth that it took forever for me to be willing to identify and acknowledge that her lack of touch had caused me to withdraw. I never told her I wanted to be touched, although I was crying inside for her to reach out and touch me. In our dating relationship, I had always taken the initiative in hugging, kissing, and holding hands, but she had always been responsive. I felt she loved me, but after we got married, there were times I reached out to her physically and she was not responsive. Maybe with her new job responsibilities, she was too tired. I don’t know, but I took it personally. I felt she didn’t find me attractive. Then I decided I would not take the initiative because I didn’t want to be rejected. So I waited to see how long it would be before she’d initiate a kiss or a touch or sexual intercourse. Once I waited for six weeks before she touched me at all. I found it unbearable. My withdrawal was to stay away from the pain I felt when I was with her. I felt rejected, unwanted, and unloved.”

Then Patsy said, “I had no idea that was what he was feeling. I knew he was not reaching out to me. We were not kissing and hugging as we had done earlier, but I just assumed that since we were married, that was not as important to him now. I knew he was under pressure with his job. I had no idea he wanted me to take the initiative.

“I would go weeks without touching him. It didn’t cross my mind. I was preparing meals, keeping the house clean, doing the laundry, and trying to stay out of his way. I honestly didn’t know what else I could be doing. I could not understand his withdrawal or his lack of attention to me. It’s not that I dislike touching; it just was never that important to me. Spending time with me is what made me feel loved and appreciated, giving me attention. It really didn’t matter whether we hugged or kissed. As long as he gave me his attention, I felt loved.

“It took us a long time to discover the root of the problem, but once we discovered we were not meeting each other’s emotional need for love, we began to turn things around. Once I began to take the initiative in giving him physical touch, it’s amazing what happened. His personality, his spirit changed drastically. I had a new husband. Once he became convinced I really did love him, then he began to become more responsive to my needs.”

Pete is only one of many individuals for whom physical touch is the primary love language. Emotionally, they yearn for their spouse to reach out and touch them physically. Running the hand through the hair, giving a back rub, holding hands, embracing, sexual intercourse—all of those and other “love touches” are the emotional lifeline of the person for whom physical touch is the primary love language.