The Adventures of Nanny Piggins (6 page)

* * *

The dinner did not go at all as Mr Green had planned. Nanny Piggins was completely silent for the first fifteen minutes as she wolfed down all five courses of the meal. Both her own and Mr Green's servings. He was too horrified to be able to eat anything. Then she immediately set to work making friends.

It turned out there was something much worse than Nanny Piggins upsetting Isabella Dunkhurst. And that was Nanny Piggins and Ms Dunkhurst becoming buddies. Nanny Piggins struck up the friendship by challenging the veteran lawyer to a drinking contest. Having downed a bottle of lemonade in a quarter of Ms Dunkhurst's time, Nanny Piggins proceeded to teach her new friend 'Issy' to tap dance on the head table. The rest of the evening was a blur.

Within half an hour of their arrival, Nanny Piggins had all the assembled lawyers up on their feet and dancing with her. These were people who had never before danced in their lives. Even as three-year-olds they had refused to do the hokey pokey because they did not want to look undignified.

Mr Green tried to keep up with Nanny Piggins because he did not want to look like a bad sport. Particularly when all the senior partners obviously thought she was tremendously good fun. The problem was that it's hard not to look like a bad sport when you are a bad sport. Mr Green got separated from the party when they were en route to a nightclub and Nanny Piggins demanded that the taxi stop so they could do a semi-nude run through the park.

Mr Green had got out of the taxi and was trying to be a joiner. But it took him so long to get his socks off that his colleagues were streaking off into the darkness before he was even half undressed. He sat on his own, waiting for them to return, but when they still had not come back an hour later, he dressed, got in a taxi and went home.

There he sat and waited in his study, dreading to think of the damage to his career Nanny Piggins would cause.

He must have fallen asleep at some stage because he was woken at eight o'clock the next morning by the smell of fried eggs and sausages. He ventured out into the kitchen to discover Samantha cooking breakfast as Nanny Piggins, still wearing her dress from the night before, regaled the children with the story of her adventures.

'. . . and then I climbed up the flagpole with his trousers and hung them from the top. So we must all go down to the town hall after breakfast to see if Senator Peterson's pants are still there.'

Mr Green cleared his throat. This was his favourite way of calling attention to himself. It saved him having to think of something to say.

Nanny Piggins and the children turned to look at him.

'So you had a good evening then?' Mr Green asked. He knew he had to find out what went on but he was not sure where to begin.

'We had a pretty good night,' said Nanny Piggins cautiously. 'For a bunch of old fuddy duddies, they warmed up all right.'

'Good, good,' said Mr Green, although he clearly thought it was nothing of the kind. 'So, er . . .' He was trying to get to the important bit that he really wanted to know. 'So, er . . . nobody said anything about, er . . . sacking me for taking a pig to the annual dinner then?'

'Nobody said anything about you all evening,' said Nanny Piggins conclusively, as she bit into a delicious egg sandwich.

Now many people would have taken this as an insult but it is a testament to how boring Mr Green is that he found this to be a great relief indeed.

'Oh, good,' he said. 'Well I'll pop out and pick up that cake for you, shall I?'

'That would be very nice,' agreed Nanny Piggins between mouthfuls. 'Although you might want to get me two cakes while you're there.'

'Why?' asked Mr Green. He could never see why he should part with any more money than he had to.

'Because Ms Dunkhurst offered me a job,' said Nanny Piggins. 'She wants me to be the new senior partner. She thinks it will be a refreshing change to have a partner who has never studied law.'

'Oh my gosh!' exclaimed Mr Green. He clutched his chest, desperately wishing that he would be struck dead with a heart attack then and there.

'Sooo . . .' said Nanny Piggins, letting him wallow in agony for as long as possible. 'I thought you might want to bribe me not to take the job.'

Mr Green sighed a huge sigh of relief. 'Two cakes it is then.'

With that he rushed out of the house and down to the bakery before she could increase her demands.

Nanny vs. Nanny

The Green children were sitting on top of their family home learning about Newton's Law of Universal Gravitation by throwing things off the roof. The whole thing had been their nanny's idea. She knew a lot about gravity, being a former flying pig. They had started with apples and bags of flour and progressed to pot plants and their father's portable radio. The children were impressed to discover that even though he was old and dead, Isaac Newton really knew what he was talking about.

They were just about to throw their father's filing cabinet off the roof when Michael noticed a woman standing at the front of their house.

'Who's that?' he asked.

Derrick, Samantha and Nanny Piggins peered over the edge to take a look. It is hard to tell a lot about someone from the top of their head. All they could see was her broad-brimmed straw hat, the swaying material of her long skirt and the large guitar case she held in her hand.

'Do you think she is some kind of travelling musician?' asked Samantha.

'Just because someone has a guitar case does not necessarily mean they have a guitar,' said Nanny Piggins. 'In the olden days mobsters used to carry machine-guns in violin cases. So imagine what sort of weapon could fit into a guitar case . . . they're much bigger.'

They all lay with their noses just over the edge of the roof, wondering, when the woman actually had the audacity to look up at them.

'Quick, hide!' said Nanny Piggins.

There was no reason for them to hide. This was their house. If anybody had a right to be up on the roof throwing things off, it was them.

'Hello, you people hiding on the roof,' called the hat-wearing lady.

'What should we do?' asked Derrick.

'I wish we hadn't thrown everything off the roof already or we could have dropped something on her,' said Nanny Piggins.

'We've still got the filing cabinet,' Michael pointed out.

Nanny Piggins looked at the filing cabinet. It was the heavy four-drawer variety. 'We'd better not. We'd probably get in trouble if we killed her.'

'I've come about the Nanny Wanted sign,' called the hat-wearing lady again.

'She's a nanny?!' exclaimed Samantha.

They all peered over the edge of the roof again. The hat-wearing lady had short blonde hair, piercing blue eyes and the ugliest grey dress in the world. She was pointing at the Nanny Wanted sign on the front lawn. It was impressive she could read it. The sign had been out in the weather for so long, black mould now covered several of the letters.

'She doesn't look like a psychopath,' ventured Michael.

'Psychopaths never do. That's why they're so dangerous,' said Nanny Piggins.

'Don't worry, I'll handle it,' said Derrick. Then, leaning forward and yelling in a clear voice, he said, 'Go away, please. We already have a nanny!'

Nanny Piggins got a little teary. She was very fond of the children. It touched her heart to know they were fond enough of her to yell at a complete stranger.

But then the worst possible thing happened. Just as the hat-wearing woman started to turn away, Mr Green's car pulled up and Mr Green got out.

From up on the roof they couldn't hear what he was saying. But they knew he was gushing and sucking up, because Mr Green always did that when he was talking to blonde women. It was a mental weakness of his. They watched as Mr Green led the hat-wearing woman into the house.

'Bottom!' said Nanny Piggins. Which just shows how strongly she felt because she rarely swore. 'We'd better get down there and nip this in the bud.'

Nanny Piggins and the children edged across the roof gable, shimmied down the guttering and crawled back in through the upstairs bathroom window as fast as they could. But by the time they got down to the living room, the hat-wearing woman and Mr Green were having a cup of tea and a biscuit.

'Ah, Miss Piggins,' said Mr Green, as Nanny Piggins and the children entered the room. This was already a bad sign. Mr Green usually addressed Nanny Piggins as Nanny Piggins. The fact that he had already dropped her job title showed that he was about to drop her job as well. 'This is Nanny Alison. She has been a professional nanny for ten years and has excellent references.'

'Really?' said Nanny Piggins. She could not think of anything more lengthy to say. Her mind was too busy hating Nanny Alison.

'You can't get rid of Nanny Piggins, you just can't,' protested Samantha.

'Samantha, what have I told you?' demanded Mr Green.

'That I should be seen and not heard until I turn eighteen. When I can say "Goodbye, I'm returning my key" before moving out of home,' chanted Samantha.

'Precisely. It is not your business to interfere in the hiring and firing of domestic staff,' said Mr Green. 'When Miss Piggins came to us, it was on the strict understanding that she would be replaced with a suitable human nanny when one became available. Isn't that right, Miss Piggins?'

Nanny Piggins just squinted at Mr Green. She was not listening to what he was saying. She was thinking about biting his leg.

'But surely you want to make sure you employ the best nanny possible,' said Derrick. 'What will people say if they think you have hired a second-rate nanny?' Derrick knew his father hated to think people were talking about him.

'You should test her,' suggested Michael, knowing he personally hated being tested, and hoping this alone would be enough to put Nanny Alison off.

'I suppose we should have some kind of test of nannying skills,' said Mr Green.

'I have no objections to a test. Rigorous competitive examinations are a healthy process both for the subject and the examiner,' said Nanny Alison.

Nanny Piggins and the children just stared at her. They were not quite sure what she said and they definitely had no idea why she had said it.

'All right then,' said Mr Green. 'We'll have a series of tests starting tomorrow morning at seven o'clock sharp,' he declared.

* * *

Unfortunately, the next morning Nanny Piggins woke up at ten past eight. Because somehow during the night her alarm clock had been smashed into 214 pieces on the floor. Nanny Piggins dressed hastily so she could undo any damage Nanny Alison had caused while she was oversleeping. But when she tried to leave the room, the doorknob was missing.

'That's strange,' said Nanny Piggins to herself. 'I'm sure that doorknob was there when I closed the door last night.' But there was no time to think. Nanny Piggins needed to get downstairs. So she climbed out the window, shimmied down the drainpipe, snuck round the back of the house and came in through the back door.

When she found the family, they were just sitting down to breakfast in the dining room. 'Ah, Miss Piggins, glad you could join us,' said Mr Green (this is another example of an adult saying the opposite of what they mean).

'Where have you been?' whispered Derrick.

'There must have been an earthquake in the middle of the night. My alarm clock got smashed. Have I missed anything?'

'In the hour before breakfast Nanny Alison taught us to sing in three-part harmony,' said Samantha.

'You poor, poor children,' said Nanny Piggins, sympathising deeply.

At that moment Nanny Alison glided into the room carrying breakfast. Nanny Piggins glared at her. When Nanny Piggins came out of the kitchen she always had smears of whatever she had been cooking all down her front and sometimes down her back as well. Nanny Alison looked like she had been scotchguarded. There was not a mark or a wrinkle on her.

'What have we got here?' asked Mr Green as he greedily eyed the food.

Nanny Alison set a plate in front of him. 'For you, sausages and hash-browns. A little bird told me they're your favourite.'

'I told her,' protested Michael, who did not like being referred to as a little bird.

'And for the children,' continued Nanny Alison, 'seventeen different types of boiled vegetables.' She set the three plates of grey sludge in front of them. 'Little ones need their fibre to keep them regular,' explained Nanny Alison.

'Just so, just so,' said Mr Green. Adults often repeat themselves when something is not worth saying even once.

Michael looked like he was about to cry as he dug his fork into the tasteless grey glop.

Nanny Piggins had had enough. 'I am going to go into the kitchen to make myself some chocolate pancakes,' she declared. Apart from wanting to eat them herself, she could sneak some out to the children. But as she reached for the kitchen doorknob the strangest thing happened. She missed, because the doorknob was not there.

'Where's the doorknob?' she asked.

'No time for that,' said Mr Green, as he finished his meal and wiped the sausage fat off his large smug face. 'We need to get on with the test.' He ushered everyone into the living room, oblivious to the fact that the children had eaten nothing.

'The second round of the Nanny Games is laundry,' declared Mr Green.

'Hang on, what was the first round?' protested Nanny Piggins.

'Cooking breakfast,' said Mr Green cruelly. 'You lost that one because you weren't even there.'

Nanny Piggins glared at Nanny Alison again. She was beginning to suspect that perhaps there had not been an earthquake and, in fact, something else had caused her alarm clock to break.

'You each have a basket full of dirty clothes. The task is to clean these clothes as quickly and efficiently as possible,' said Mr Green.

'But that's easy. We can both just put it in the washing machine,' said Nanny Piggins.

'I have disabled the washing machine,' revealed Mr Green, holding up a large mechanical doo-dah. 'You have the option of trying to fix the washing machine. Or you can wash them by hand. It's up to you.'

'What a stupid test,' said Nanny Piggins glumly. Because even though it was stupid she could not see how she was going to get out of it.

'Come on, Nanny Piggins,' encouraged Samantha. 'You have to win. You're already one point behind and we don't want Nanny Alison to be our nanny. Apart from cooking vegetables for breakfast, I think she might be evil.'

'There's no doubt in my mind,' Nanny Piggins informed her. 'On your marks . . . get set . . . go!' called Mr Green.

Nanny Alison whipped up the laundry basket and dashed into the kitchen. Straightaway they heard the tap go on as she began handwashing. Meanwhile, Nanny Piggins stood and stared for a moment. Th en she too whisked the laundry up and started running. The difference was Nanny Piggins did not run for the nearest sink. She ran for the front door, down the front path and into the street.

'Do you think she's running away from home?' asked Samantha as they watched her disappear around the corner.

'No. She wouldn't take our dirty laundry if she was,' Derrick reasoned.

Nanny Alison worked her way through her basket of laundry like a machine. Her arms never seemed to get tired of scrubbing. Mr Green was clearly impressed. He obviously had visions of selling his actual washing machine if he hired her. After fifty-three minutes she only had the socks to go and they were the easiest to wash because they were so small. There were eight socks in the basket and the children counted them down helplessly. It looked like Nanny Piggins was about to lose the second test as well.

When, suddenly, Nanny Piggins burst in through the back door.

'Finished!' she shrieked as she raced into the room and dumped her basket on the kitchen table. Not only was the laundry shining bright and clean, it had also been dried.

'How did you manage that?' asked Samantha in amazement.

'You know that retired army colonel who lives around the corner?' said Nanny Piggins.

'The one who's deeply in love with you?' asked Michael.

'That's the one. I nipped around to his house and threw it in his machine. We had seven chocolate biscuits and a lovely chat while it went though. He's even got one of these new washing machines that is a drier as well,' said Nanny Piggins.

Nanny Alison was just washing out her last sock. 'Finished,' she declared.

'Well done, you both took about the same time,' said Mr Green. He was really determined not to be impressed by Nanny Piggins' ingenuity.

'Yes, but Nanny Piggins got her washing dry as well,' protested Derrick. 'That has to count for extra points. It's ready to wear.' As he said this, Derrick took out his school jumper and put it on to demonstrate. Unfortunately, he was not able to get it over his head. 'I must have picked up Michael's accidentally.' Derrick dug through the washing basket and found the other boy's jumper. He held it up against himself and it was immediately apparent this was not his either. It was even smaller. It was doll-sized.

'Oh, Nanny Piggins,' said Samantha holding a hand over her mouth in horror, 'you've shrunk everything.'

'What?' said Nanny Piggins. 'But I had to put everything on super-mega-extra hot to get it dry in time.'

'The point goes, once again, to Nanny Alison,' declared Mr Green.

And so the rest of the morning went on. Nanny Piggins lost the bread baking, gutter cleaning and long division-explaining tests as well. She got caught telling Michael, 'Don't bother to learn that. Long division is a waste of brain space when you can just buy a calculator.' Which is only the truth.

The Games were suspended while they all took a break for lunch. They ate a compote Nanny Alison had whipped up by cooking the flavour out of twenty-six different types of fruit.

'There's something not right about her,' Nanny Piggins muttered darkly as she handed biscuits to the children under the table. 'It's not natural to be that good at being a nanny,' said Nanny Piggins. 'She needs to be investigated.'

'But how?' asked Samantha.

'You distract her while I sneak upstairs and search her room,' suggested Nanny Piggins.

So, as Michael pretended to have smallpox by drawing pink dots on himself with a felt-tip pen, Nanny Piggins slid to the floor, crawled across the room, out the window and up the drainpipe and into Nanny Alison's room.

Nanny Alison's room looked nothing like Nanny Piggins' room. There were no circus posters, no dusty knick-knacks and no clothes strewn about every surface. Her neat little suitcase sat neatly on the floor. And her neat guitar case lay neatly on the bed.