The Adventurous Couple's Guide to Sex Toys (15 page)

The Monkey Rocker (
monkeyrocker.com
) is essentially a non-mechanized sex machine, which sounds like an oxymoron until you understand that it's essentially an ingenious sex toy powered by the user's own body. It looks like a gorgeous Art Deco chair with the center of the seat missing; you sit comfortably on a padded, curved seat with a swing-arm dildo that rises in the center to meet your genitals when you rock back and forth on the highly stylish framework. The user controls the speed and motion absolutely, hands-free, and silently (well, at least the machine will remain quiet during the ride, even if you don't).

The way it works is that the user sits on the seat above the dildo; then they rock the hips back and forth (with feet on the
floor), and as they move back and forth the dildo rises up and down, in and out. There's a curved handle on the front for the user's added stability if he or she needs to hold onto something besides their lover during the ride. In many ways, this is the perfect sex machine, as the user controls the rhythm, speed, and depth of penetration simply by rocking his or her hips, making for a totally customizable penetration experience—you get just what you want or need, when you need it the most.

The Monkey Rocker is like a pretty piece of furniture, yet weighs less than a Deco chair—at 25 pounds, it's relatively lightweight for its size. It's glossy and sleek looking, and comes in a huge variety of colors that can be mixed and customized to fit your décor. You can trick it out with the available high-end custom exotic veneers and personalized leather seat choices.

The makers of the Monkey Rocker want consumers to be able to use any toy they want with their machine, making it the most user-friendly sex machine available. When ordering, a shopper has two choices: either a Doc Johnson Vac-U-Lock system for dildo attachment (not out of any alliance with the toy manufacturer, I learned, but simply from reasoning that Monkey Rocker wanted users to be able to easily find dildos for the machine) or a hard rubber strap and O-ring combination, making it easy to attach any flared-base sex toy to the machine.

The Doc Johnson Vac-U-Lock system enables users to apply any of that novelty manufacturer's toys to the Monkey Rocker, so if you have a lot of these toys lying around, there's no need to buy new toys for your new sex machine.

The strap and O-ring combination is the most versatile choice; with the strap and three different sized O-rings, users can enjoy any dildo they prefer, or, better yet, can even add a vibrating
dildo. Vibrating silicone dildos! A range of sizes! This means that you pick the size, shape, and material for the dildo you want to use; this is the only sex machine that can be used interchangeably with literally any dildo (or butt plug, for that matter), including easy-to-clean, completely hygienic silicone toys. The O-ring system works well, and provides a very stable base for any dildo put in the straps.

This nonmechanical sex machine chair, to put it simply, provides hours of fun, whether alone or with a lover. It's easy to ride while watching porn (plus your hands are free for the fast-forward button, or the mouse). It's a great way to live out or simulate fantasies about double penetration, or just to enjoy penetration while providing oral sex. A woman could fuck herself silly while giving a blow job; conversely, a male rider could receive anal penetration while performing cunnilingus on a standing partner (or give a blow job to her strap-on cock).

S
hopping for sex toys is an experience that can go one of two ways—toward delicious, rapturous success; or toward frustration and irritation at an industry that still thinks it sells “marital aids.” Deciding what you want is one thing, finding it is another, and shopping smart is essential. As mentioned in the first chapter, some sex toys are poorly made, some retailers don't care if you get a broken toy, and every online shopper needs to be careful about privacy issues—because even if your credit card is insured against fraud and the site uses a secure ordering database, you'll still need to make sure you don't get on an unwanted email list or are otherwise violated in the process.

Finding the toy you want takes first having an idea of what you might be looking for (or actually looking to do), then finding a place that has your item. It's important to determine your intentions in advance; know what you'd like your toy to do, and have a specific item or toy type in mind. Or if you just want a little inspiration, browse through a retailer's toys (a fun game for couples to play), whether online or at a physical store.
Couples who shop together sometimes have as much fun selecting sex toys as they do using them, and even the online ordering process might result in a quickie at the computer. But what's really great about shopping for sex toys together is the learning experience—here, you get to ask your lover naughty questions about things they'd like to try, and in the bargain you learn a lot about their fantasies and how to please them in the process, as they do about you.

The other half of the equation is finding a good place to shop, though unfortunately most stores have agreements with distributors or manufacturers that make it tough for a consumer to find all the toys they want at only one store. So if you have a fantasy scene in mind, or have envisioned the “just right” toy combination for your fantasy weekend, be prepared to shop at more than one store. Of course, you can do a lot of your shopping at one site,
amazon.com
(whose prices are usually rock-bottom), but that has its disadvantages, too, as you'll still have your items shipped from different warehouses within the Amazon empire (meaning various arrival times for your packages), and the quality will vary greatly from store to store. And don't expect these stores to have great return policies on broken items—it's a risk.

If you're shopping in a real, in-person store, it should be a comfortable place to shop. Almost all major cities have a selection of adult toy, book, and video shops that are somewhat (or even very) sleazy and uncomfortable to shop in, generally because they aren't clean or kept up in any visible way, and the customers and clerks don't seem to want to be there. While these can be a taste of pure adventure for couples, keep in mind that you'll likely see things in the store that'll totally turn you off or offend
you—or will make you run from the store laughing. Often, though, these stores are not so scary and you'll get what you want, pay the bored cashier (who's seen it all, by the way), and go home to get it on and get off with your new toys. Either way, it's highly recommended that, before you buy anything online or in person, you make the trek to a store so that you can see and handle the toys in person at least once, giving you both a realistic idea of what you're buying (or not).

Woman-oriented sex toy boutiques are styled specifically toward couples and single women. You'll see a lot of other women (and men) shopping there—people of every stripe and persuasion, having fun buying vibrators and cock rings. Unfortunately these clean, well-lit places to shop for sex toys are found in only a few major cities (see resource lists in the next section).

Many people choose to buy their products online. The privacy that the Web affords has made it both easy and safe for everyone to try out new sexual ideas and explore new possibilities, and it puts sex toys within everyone's geographic reach. However, the Internet can be dicey if you don't know the company's privacy policy (some companies sell your information to other parties), and it's difficult to ask questions about the products, unless the company provides an information phone line on their site.

On websites, it's vital that you safeguard your privacy. Shop at only reputable online stores; if you're not sure about their reputation, see if they have online forums where you can garner customer feedback, or check to see if they have actual brick-and-mortar stores (a sign of stability), or Google their URL and name to see what you dig up. Look into their privacy policy—if it's dodgy, shop elsewhere. See how they ship their products—is
it done discreetly, and do the toys come in plain packages? And finally, see how their products are presented—if they have offensive or misspelled product descriptions or sell products that are unsafe, or if they just seem a bit off, then they'll likely treat their customers with the same disdain. Do they have annoying pop-up windows when you're trying to shop? Skip 'em. Shop with a company you like (vote with your credit card!), and if that company has an educational section or mission, even better.

A Woman's Touch:
a-womans-touch.com
(retail store in Madison)

Babeland:
babeland.com
(retail stores in Seattle, New York, and Los Angeles)

Eve's Garden:
evesgarden.com
(retail store in New York)

Fatale Media:
fatalemedia.com
(for the film
Bend Over Boyfriend
and other great sex how-to videos)

Forbidden Fruit:
forbiddenfruit.com
(retail store in Austin)

Good Vibrations:
goodvibes.com
(retail stores in San Francisco, Berkeley, and Boston)

Hustler Hollywood:
hustlerhollywood.com
(retail stores in West Hollywood, Gardena, San Diego, Monroe, Cincinnati, Nashville, New Orleans, Lexington, and Ft. Lauderdale)

Pleasure Chest:
thepleasurechest.com
(retail stores in New York, Los Angeles, and Chicago)

Tantus Silicone:
tantussilicone.com
(silicone toys; the Feeldoe)

Vixen Creations:
vixencreations.com
(silicone toys; Nexus, Nexus Jr., VixSkin)

Come As You Are:
comeasyouare.com
(retail store in Toronto)

Good For Her:
goodforher.com
(retail store in Toronto)

Womyn's Ware:
womynsware.com
(retail store in Vancouver)

Coco de Mer:
coco-de-mer.co.uk
(retail store in Covent Garden, London)

Myla:
myla.com
(retail stores in Notting Hill and South Kensington, London)

Sh! Women's Erotic Emporium:
sh-womenstore.com
(retail store in Shoreditch, London)

Bliss for Women:
bliss4women.com
(retail store in Melbourne)

D.vice:
dvice.co.nz
(retail stores in Auckland, Wellington, Melbourne, and Palmerston North)

Blissbox:
blissbox.com
(sites for shipping to Netherlands, Germany, and Belgium)

Concorde Boutique:
concorde.fr
(retail store in Paris)

Demonia:
demonia.com
(retail store in Paris)

Fleshion:
fleshion.com
(France)

Sexou:
sexou.com
(France)

Voissa:
voissa.com
(France)

Fucking Machines:
fuckingmachines.com
(not a retail site)

Machine Maidens:
machinemaidens.com
(not a retail site)