The Andy Cohen Diaries (39 page)

Interviewed David Lauren for the cover of
Hamptons
magazine, which was interesting because I am so passionate about his brand. He answers questions like a politician. Maybe he should run for something. I'd vote for him. Doggy playdate with Jackie in Central Park, and Wacha seemed overheated so we left after an hour. Ran into Lady Bunny on the way home and we talked about the intense word-patrolling of the gay community. Now “homosexual” is a bad word. And they're after the drag queens about half the things they've been saying for years. We're going to outlaw speech itself before it's all over.

Gabrielle Union and the new OC Housewife Shannon were on
WWHL
tonight. Before the show, Union's publicist said not to ask about Dwyane Wade and so we killed a whole thing where we'd put:30 on the clock to grill her about him, and then wound up talking about him a bunch anyway. That happens all the time.

Ultra Violet's passing had me up late flipping through the
Warhol Diaries
. The idea that Diana Ross comes to pick him up at his house to go chopper to Atlantic City to see Sinatra blows my mind. In the middle of the night I thought I saw a big bug on my sink but it was one of those bow-tie-y things from the dry cleaners.

TUESDAY, JUNE 17, 2014

Lunch with Bill Owens at Morandi. Went deep about
60 Minutes
and CBS News.

Had a booking meeting at the studio. There are always so many politics involved with booking. For instance, suddenly Wendy Williams won't do
WWHL.
I don't know why. I thought we were buddies.

I did a signing of the paperback of
Most Talkative
at Club Monaco. Book signings make me feel overwhelmingly positive about humanity. Everybody's so nice to me, and people bring me very sweet things. I got three bags of Jolly Ranchers because I've recently been going on the air with colored tongues because of pre-show Jolly Ranchers, also a lot of treats for Wacha, a few business cards from guys looking for dude-on-dude intimacy, some résumés, a few sweaty handshakes, some good hugs, and a picture of myself. We did photos with 350 people in an hour—impressive. Oh, and two ancillary players from the
RHONY
showed up—Sonja's facialist and Harry. Randomosity!

Met Bruce, Ava, and a school-mom friend of his with her kid at Good. They were already a few vinos into the night when I arrived.

Patti LaBelle was on the show with Wanda Sykes, and I am reading between the lines here: I believe that Miss Patti
did
get dissed by Aretha at the White House. Patti wouldn't confirm it but I saw it on her face and she's my Gemini twin. Why the hell would Aretha dis Patti? I am racking my brain. Patti's hair stylist Norma was with her—she always is; I'd met them both when I did a profile for
48 Hours
in 1996 and have seen them together over the years. We played “Who's in the Cell with Patti LaBelle?” Classic.

I Googled “do dogs feel love.” I discovered that a dog experiences all of the basic emotions: joy, fear, anger, disgust, and even love. But based on current research it seems likely that a dog will not have more complex emotions like guilt, pride, and shame. Benjamin and Pablo threw a Tall Night for people who like tall dudes at Atlas Social Club. What a good idea and why didn't I go? Been texting AC in Baghdad. To make matters worse for him, his Instagram is blocked. So I've been trying to give him a play-by-play of what he's “missing” from the people we follow to take his mind off his life being in peril.

WEDNESDAY, JUNE 18, 2014

Like clockwork I got a request from
The Wendy Williams Show
to tape a fiftieth-birthday greeting. I told Ryan to ask the people who asked me to do it why Wendy won't do my show, and to tell them that I thought we were buddies. Why, Wendy? Why? I'll never find out the real reason. For some reason, the Sean Avery engagement rumors are back. I have been getting “Congratulations” tweets for the last two days.

I guess I wanted some attention, because I Instagrammed a muscly pic of myself at the gym. Seems kinda desperate in the rearview mirror but I'm in great shape—and terrified about gaining multitudes of weight in Europe over the July Fourth weekend. There's no way I won't be sloshing in wine and pasta. I got twenty-five thousand likes, so I guess that gave me some confidence for a few hours.

We taped JLo tonight for air tomorrow. Despite the many diva shenanigan stories I've heard about her, she was completely graceful and drama-free: on time, no restrictions on the interview, no rider, and totally open and willing to go beyond my questions. She says she's a fan of the show. Not only was my Ninj in the audience, but Surfin was too and I think Liza came just because she knew Surf would be there. (They love each other.) It's always weird seeing people you know from one place in another (“Why is my
teacher
at McDonald's, Mommy!?”—I never said that but I am making a point) but having Surf in the Clubhouse felt just right and he'll be back. He couldn't believe how close he was sitting to JLo. There's not a show that gets you closer to the guest. JLo is probably the most beautiful woman I've ever seen. She is flawless. Benny Medina was with her and he's a lot of fun. We always talk about Motown and Diana Ross. He started out working for Berry Gordy, so he has a ton of great stories. I was posing for a picture during a commercial break and JLo noticed that thing I do with my leg—the Angelina Jolie extension—and I told her I had to do it because of how big my dick is. So clearly I felt comfortable with her.

The live show was 50 Cent and Jerry Ferrara. A caller asked how much cash each of them had and 50 pulled out ten grand (in hundreds) from his back pocket. I still can't get over it. The idea of him having sex with Chelsea Handler confuses me. He's really hot.

After the show we all partied like it was our birthday and I wound up bringing my glass with me in the car home. That's not messy. Joe was the night doorman and he said, “Oh, you brought your glass with you, huh?”

THURSDAY, JUNE 19, 2014—NYC–SAG HARBOR

I asked Anderson how much danger he's in and he said they have major security detail and are restricted in their movements. I suggested that he play Whoopi Goldberg saying “You in dangah, gurl” from
Ghost
over and over in his head so he wouldn't get lazy. The poor guy is trying to report on world news and this is what I'm telling him to do.

Lunch with LZ at Good. We talked about everything and of course the last topic, as it often is with us, is what's going on with my love life or lack thereof. I explained that I do
want
to be in love. But I am so happy right now, and unfortunately the older I get I am probably boxing myself more into my own lane and routine, which may not be helping the relationship cause. Though the dog opened me up, I remain concerned that Wacha falsely convinces me I already have enough love. And maybe I do have enough love, because I got an email from Bryant Gumbel entitled “What?” saying that someone told him that I got engaged.

I had a daytime massage before our Friends In Deed board meeting. I feel like we have some momentum on this board, new members and new energy for events we are planning in the next year.

Drove to the beach to see the doctor, because I have plans all weekend. Maybe the chat with LZ got me in the zone, because we had a great date, chilling until 3 a.m. He had to be at the hospital at 6. Beyond being incredibly delicious, he is a quality guy.

FRIDAY, JUNE 20, 2014—SAG HARBOR

Ran into Hilary Rhoda at Tracy Anderson and told her that the engagement rumors are back. She didn't seem thrilled. Why
would
she be thrilled that her fiancé is rumored to be engaged to a dude? I shoulda kept my mouth shut. The class wasn't great. The instructor played “G.U.Y.,” which I guess is my theme song because I'm in the video; Bruce's instructor at SoulCycle also played it for me last week.

Hung out at Bruce's. Bought three new diaries: Virginia Woolf, Noël Coward, and Alan Bennett.

Voted for myself for the Emmys. We won't get nominated. It is an impossible category with all the heavy hitters—the Jimmys, Colbert,
Daily Show
, etc.

Saw Sandra Bernhard at Guild Hall in East Hampton. Two of her doctors were in the crowd, which made sense given the venue, and she went off on a lot of WASPs. She was brilliant. Her “Wrecking Ball” rework is perfect. Went to the Palm after and some guy came up to Bruce and Bryan and me and told us about finding a son he never knew he had. After he left, we realized that this guy was a friend none of us ever knew
we
had. None of us knew him. So that was weird—hovering over us with seven minutes of personal baggage dumped on us while our food was served and we ate. Everybody wants to be heard!

SATURDAY, JUNE 21, 2014—SAG HARBOR

The longest day of the year began with a gorgeous morning. I was sitting on the deck gossiping on the phone with Lynn when a van pulled up and my Jehovah's Witness buddies—dressed in vests and “slacks” (that expression makes my skin crawl but slacks they were)—came down the stairs, books in hand. I was happy to see them and they were cuter than I remembered, but I told them my call was urgent and we should speak another time. I'm not sure what the end game is at this point. I need to break it off when they come back.

Lunch with Amanda, Jim, Fred, and Jeanne, who were undercharged last night at Topping Rose. They told the waiter, but he came back and explained that the bill was correct. They knew they were right and yet paid the lower amount. So the ethical question is, did they do the right thing? I believe they did. Should they
argue
with the waiter to convince them they owe more? Wacha broke a glass. Amanda is questioning whether I have any control over the dog.

Left Wacha at Bruce's and went to the beach for a quick swim. The water is gorgeous. Driving around the beach listening to new and archived Howard Stern is my idea of bliss. The doctor came by for a hangout. Engagement party for Allison and Ricky at John and Lizzie Tisch's house, which is sick—very cool and mod with incredible contemporary art everywhere. I sat next to Brian Williams and we talked about his early years at WCBS, when I was working in the same building at CBS News. He said that when he was anchoring the local noon news, CBS told him they didn't see any future for him and then NBC offered him Brokaw's job. CBS always was horrible at spotting talent. We talked about the segmentation of the media, how there's no national platform anymore, nothing matters—my favorite conversation. He is into
The Bachelorette
. The food was great—they'd imported the chef from ABC Kitchen.

After dinner, doors were opened to reveal a massive table covered with every kind of candy you can imagine. And in the center a rainbow cake. A cake like you cannot believe. From Flour Shop in Brooklyn. Bruce and I ate so much of it.

SUNDAY, JUNE 22, 2014—SAG HARBOR–NYC

Lunch at Sandy's. Ron Meyer was there and the two of them told us about a hilarious meeting they had with Michael Jackson. I don't know how Sandy managed him for eight years; I need to remember that he did that. It says something about a person's constitution to be able to deal with that kind of
unique
on a daily basis.

Great drive home with the top down, flipping all over Sirius, lots of Grateful Dead and endless Eric the Actor vs. Hanzi nonsense on
Howard Stern
, then I stumbled upon a Village People song on Studio 54 that I can't believe I never heard: “Ready for the 80s,” which the Village Peeps most assuredly were! The song pretty much wrote itself as it went on, and I realized that the eighties were a totally irony-free moment for a song like that to come out with no problem. Although it clearly wasn't a hit, so maybe people were more aware than I'm giving them credit for.
Or maybe they weren't ready for the '80s.
Then the Sirius went out and I had a solid hour to kill, so I called Kristen Johnston for what Natasha would refer to as a “proper chat” (
definition
: that special kind of long chat where both parties are fully available to focus and meander until the catch-up is complete). We wound up our conversation as my car wound downtown, the sun setting over the city, bars crowded with World Cup watchers. Mom got to town yesterday with her bridge group—the “girls” leave Tuesday and Dad joins her. She was supposed to bartend tonight with Kandi and Mama Joyce but we bumped her; I think she's relieved. Last night they saw
A Gentleman's Guide to Love & Murder
and Evelyn Brantley (her
New York Times
theater-critic alter ego) did not love it. Tonight it was the Lyndon Johnson play with Bryan Cranston; she said it was the best she'd ever seen, so I expressed my sadness that Dad didn't get to see it. “He won't know what he missed,” she replied.

MONDAY, JUNE 23, 2014

Last night I gave Cristiano Ronaldo the Jackhole for getting a stupid haircut, but the paper today says the cut was in tribute to a sick kid with cancer. So I look like an idiot. And the cover story in the
New York Times
is that Union Square Cafe is closing. Greedy landlord. Danny Meyer transforms Union Square into a destination and now he's forced out, probably for a Chipotle. I feel powerless to protect the city's integrity, which is small businesses. My Ninj didn't have a solution either, but we had a good workout nonetheless. Had lunch with Shari Levine at an outdoor café right by that church next to the Four Seasons Restaurant on Park Avenue. I never even knew this place existed. Mom came and met me for coffee. From there I went to a meeting at CAA and my cab driver was snoring while driving. Literally. I still can't figure out what was wrong. He was assuredly awake, I know that. But snoring. Maybe he was a pug mix?

I had to fill out a form for the MLB All-Star softball game in July—I said I want to play outfield or anywhere the ball won't come, and requested to be put on Jon Hamm's team. Also I put down small for all the clothes because sports clothes are usually huge. For guys with bellies. So we'll see what happens there. I want a fitted outfit!