The Apocalypse and Satan's Glory Hole! (1) (48 page)

The giant red Devil guy takes a step toward the box and sees her for the first time.

“Well howdy fucking do. Do you know who I am and what I am about to do to that thing you are standing on?”

“Nope. Don’t care.”

“I am Beelzebub. The Devil. Satan himself. Nicetameetcha. So what is a pretty lady like you doing on my fuck box and not stuffed in my ass where you belong?”

“Just passing through, thought I’d stop by and kill you first,”
 
Edwina says, breathing deep to slow her pounding heart. It is thumping away like a logger on speed working over a tree.

“Hah!” Satan roars and reaches for her.

She flips the handle down while pointing the face at him. The dial rolls around and stops on a pig shape. With a squeak, a little two assed piglet appears, runs around in circles and falls off the edge of the box. There is a massive explosion from below.

“Shit!”

"Nice toy. Is that thing supposed to scare me, you stupid little twat?" Satan asks in his rumbling voice that sounds like a volcano throwing up.
 
 

She hits the lever again, and the dial spins. This time it lands on a picture of a demon pissing into another demon's mouth. A foul spray of liquid shoots out of the center and is snatched away by the burning desert heat.
 
 

"What do you call that? It smells like a whore. If I wanted that stuff on me, I'd rub your cunt all over my face. Now get in my ass!" Satan howls as he reaches for Edwina.
 

“Get back in!” Goatboy has opened the door and is leaning out of it, gesturing with one hoof.
 

She dives under Satan’s sweeping hand as it clips the top of the ice cream truck. Goatboy peers out from the doorway, now down on all fours, front feet outstretched to stop him from flying out of the door. Phil bounces up and down until the truck stops shaking.
 
 

Chuzz even pokes his head out. His eyes go wide as he meets Edwina’s. He looks like he is about to jump out of his skin. He holds the microphone up, but his hands tremble so much that he drops it. The mike clatters across the floor of the truck and rolls out onto the top of the glory hole demon. The truck, upon losing contact with the toy, bounces a few inches into the air and then smashes into the metal box.
 
 

"Ah fuck!" Chuzz yells as he dives for the microphone.
 
 

"Ah fuck!" Edwina echoes as she dives out of the way of Satan's big sweeping hand.
 
 

"Come here, my lovelies!" Satan roars.
 
 

"Hit the one with the fucking demons!" Chuzz calls to her.
 
 

"They are all fucking demons!" she yells back. She wants to run over and kick him right in the balls. Asshole.
 

“No! The demons that are fucking each other!” he yells and crawls along the edge of the giant moving box, presumably to get whatever he dropped.
 

“Like I can pick which one is which!” she screams back at the imbecile just as the box shifts again. Chuzz rolls to his right and stops himself just short of falling off the side. For a split second, she considers going over and giving him a little nudge to help him find the ground below.

She hits the lever again, and a blinding ray of light shoots out of the toy. She holds it aloft, pointed over the shoulder of a very unhappy-looking giant red demon. He reaches for her again, but she slips back, dropping to one knee as she almost falls. In the process, the beam intersects with a meaty part of his hand and cuts right on through.

The devil roars, his head rolling back as he screams in pain. She doesn’t know how much longer the blade will last, if it will even cut through his giant neck. She needs a smaller target. She looks over the edge of the glory hole demon, and a wicked smile curves her lips up.

Leon staggers with the hypodermic needle sticking out of his back. He reaches for it with one hand because he refuses to drop his battleaxe. He tries to get it out, but instead the needle compresses and injects festering purple poison into his bloodstream. Leon howls as fire enters his
veins.

Pestilence, atop his steed and fast approaching, cackles at his shot. He waits for Leon to fall, but the axe-wielding maniac is spinning in large drunken circles, cleaving into the ranks of the demons around him as he tries to reach the needle in his back.

The poison spreads throughout Leon’s body, but it doesn’t seem to affect him in a negative way. He knows he should be dying, because it felt like Hell was rushing into him. Maybe it is the bathtub acid that protects him.

“What the fucking fuck is in my back?”
 
Leon screams.

“What the hell? Die monkey! I command it.”
 
Pestilence almost comes to a halt.

“Leon,”
 
Bud shouts as he tucks his M-16 and rolls across the sandy battlefield toward him. “You’re talking normal again! It’s a miracle!”

“It’s no fucking miracle,”
 
Leon complains. “It hurt worse than bending a boner!”
 

Pestilence shakes off his disbelief and shoots a second syringe that hits Leon in the shoulder. The poison drains into Leon, and the burn dances through him again.

“Ass cunt cock torture,”
 
Leon screams at the approaching Horseman.

Bud takes aim at Pestilence but has to turn to blast back the demons that have snuck up behind him. He turns just in time to see a third projectile fly toward Leon. It hits him square in his chest.

Leon drops his axe and falls backwards into the sand. Bud screams and opens fire at Pestilence and his zombies as he runs to his fallen friend.

Pestilence laughs out loud and kicks his steed in the ribs as hard as he can. Within seconds, he is barreling down on Bud and Leon.
 
The steed moves far too swiftly for Pestilence’s zombie horde to keep up. The dead soldiers crash head-on into the panicked demons. Both sides respond with teeth and claws. Powerful demons rip rotted heads from shoulders as zombie soldiers sink black teeth into wings and scaly throats.

Bud fires randomly into the chaos and reaches Leon with another roll, very well executed considering Bud’s trollish body. Pestilence’s hood flies back as he dives after the two, arms outstretched. His long greasy hair flails wildly. His yellow eyes bulge in their sockets while his graveyard grin betrays his devious intent. Bud turns to face him, and
his
long greasy hair flails wildly. Thin glasses slide to the tip of his nose, and he grits his teeth.

Leon pulls the empty syringe from his chest and crawls backwards like a crab.
His
long greasy hair flails wildly. His eyes are turning orange and green from all the chemicals in his system, and his mouth forms a silent scream. For an instant before the three crash together, they look like they all share the same white trash genes. The three
grunt
and roll into the
dense crowd of demons and decay.

Cock Chop Symphony of Destruction

War is leading a fresh assault. The last one didn’t go so well. Bunch of zombies charged in slow motion. It took forever before they even got assembled. Then when they were closing in on the army of demons and flying vulture-like creatures, the other guys decided to charge first.

Now the desert is covered in piles of bodies and limbs. A head rolls near Death, and he leans over and swings the scythe, scooping up the head and flinging it back into the melee.

“GOAAAAALLLLL!” Jesus howls. He stretches out a hand and blesses a bunch of demons. The resulting explosion and mess echo across the chasm walls for a long time.

War gestures, and a flight of helicopters swoops down and forward. Ripples of fire as rockets scream into the advancing army. Some of the demons are ripped apart, but more often than not they shrug off the fire and keep coming.

A group of tanks rumbles into view and starts picking off some of the bigger creatures. Shells and bullets scream across the sky as a bunch of guys in green make the scene. They form up firing lines and advance as they shoot everything that moves.

“Now we’re talking!” Death smiles and lowers his scythe. He staggers forward and rips another group of demons to pieces.

“Get ‘em!” Jesus roars. He is running around blessing everyone who gets near, which is really bad for the demons. The looks on their faces are actually pretty funny as their bodies are torn out their assholes.

War rides into the mess with his big stick. Somehow he manages to bat aside demons that get too close to him. He is laughing and howling with glee as he strikes left and right.

“Just like the old days, eh Death?” he screams and hits a demon so hard its head is shoved into its body and it bounces into another demon. The two stumble and then say hello to a tank shell, which splatters them all over their allies.

Demons are falling everywhere, but still they pour from the earth.

Jesus stops beside Death and leans over to catch his breath. His face is covered in green and yellow pus, but his bruise shines through, just as livid as it was when Death pulled him out of the rubble.

“You thinking what I’m thinking?” Death slashes another demon that gets too close.

“Yep. Lets blow this popsicle stand.”

Death nods.

“The car?”

“It’s in bad shape, but I think I can do something about that.”

Death whistles at a demon that is circling over them. He gestures, and the stupid thing swoops down to check him out.

“Dude. If you pick up a car, with us in it, and fly us off … in … oh,” he looks in a direction that is not currently exploding in a nuclear blast. “…
that
way, you can hang with us and not get blown to bits.”

“What’s the catch?” the thing asks in a voice that sounds like he is retching up a half-digested meal.

“No catch. I’m Death and this is Jesus, by the way.”

“Ohhh big guys. I guess I could do that if you keep me around and promise not to chop me into bits.”

Jesus nods. “You got it. What’s your name?”

“Sally. But I like to be called Princess Sally.”

Death burps up a mouthful of booze as he tries not to laugh out loud.

“Okay, uh, Princess Sally. We need to find the car first. I think it’s this way.” And the two stumble off with the demon flying over them.