The Arrangement Anthology (44 page)

“Fear is like love. It has the same depths, the same intensity.” He’s watching me, running his finger along my cheek. He’s concerned that he pushed me too far too fast. Sean continues, “So does pain. You use pain the way I use fear—to forget.” Sean looks at me for a moment and then pushes off the bed.

The ties on my ankles come free first and then my wrists. Before Sean has time to look up, I fly at him, ripping the gag away as I go. I slam into him hard, knocking Sean backward. He hits the floor. Before he has time to blink, I’m on him. My knee is over his throat, but I don’t press down.

I’m so mad, so angry, that spots are blinking bright red and white, glittering like Christmas lights. “What the fuck gives you the right to invite someone else in here! I said I was giving myself to you! YOU!” I want to hurt him, I want to, but I can’t. I wait too long. Sean sees the chance and takes it. He reaches behind me and knocks me down. Sean rolls on top of me, pinning me to the floor with his entire body.

“It’s what I wanted.” He’s so calm, so fucking calm.

I scream and try to claw him, but Sean grabs each hand and slams it to the floor. He leans in close to me. “I want you so broken that you can’t trust yourself. I want you to give all of yourself to me.”

“You said you loved me! How could you share me?” I’m still fighting him, trying to break free. “How could you—” His lips come crashing down on mine before I can get the question out. Sean kisses me, but I don’t kiss him back. I suck his lip into my mouth and bite down.

Sean pulls away, and a bead of blood
drips off his lip and onto my face. It rolls down my cheek. Sean won’t let me up. “I do love you. I love everything about you. I can’t believe you bit me.” He blinks at me several times, like I’m the weird one. I thrash under him and almost break free, but he lays on top of me, completely stilling me. “Avery, there was no one else.”

The roaring in my ears is so loud. I don’t think I heard him right. “What?”

“This is where you ask to see the video.” Sean watches me, waiting for rationality to return, but it doesn’t. He explains, “I won’t share you. I won’t ever share you. It was part of what I wanted—you, completely vulnerable to anything and everything I could possibly want—so I made you think there was another person here, but there wasn’t.” Sean stops for a second and watches the information sink into my brain. “I didn’t think you were a two guy kind of girl.” I shake my head, staring at him, wondering if it could possibly be true. My eyes flick to the nightstand—to the video camera. “Do you want to watch it?”

No. But I have to. The bastard. He planned this. The whole thing. My jaw is hanging open. I don’t understand him. I don’t know why he’d make me think that. I’m so mad. I should have known, but there was no way to know—not this. He’s so twisted. I growl, “That was a mind fuck. That’s what you wanted—body, mind, and soul. All of me.”

“Yes,” he nods, slowly admitting it. “I want all of you, in every way. I want to own you. I want you to plead with me, to crawl to me on your hands and knees and beg me to take you. I want you to surrender to me, to my wants, and give me anything and everything.”

“You don’t want me to give you anything. You want to take it.”

“Perhaps.” I give him a look. “Fine, you’re right. It’s not the same if there’s no fight. I want to break you down and make you mine. Doing this let me fuck with you in every way possible, and god, I want that more than anything.” He leans down and presses a light kiss to my lips.

When he sits up, Sean lets go of my wrists. “Watch the video with me. I want you to.” Sean stands and offers his hand. I take it and he pulls me to my feet. His hands slip around my waist until he finds the zipper. He pulls it down and my new dress falls to the floor. I’m standing in front of him wearing a little black bra. He reaches around and undoes the clasp. Sean takes the bra off me and tosses it on the floor. I’m naked. His eyes sweep over me, before pulling me to the couch on the other side of the room. Sean pulls me onto his lap and plays the video. His hands wander while we watch, and I can’t hide how turned on I am.
What the hell is wrong with me? Sean doesn’t say much. He just watches me, taking in my reaction.

I watch his hips buck into mine on the TV as he fucks me. I thought he was someone else, but there isn’t anyone. There’s a recorder by my head. I didn’t see it before. Sean must have moved placed it there after he blindfolded me. My stomach twists. I watch the video and squirm. The fear is palpable. I never thought I’d do anything like this. Watching it after the fact just seems wrong, but I can’t look away.

I blurt out, “I wish I could see your face.” I wonder what his eyes look like as he does that to me. I wonder how much of him is there when he’s like that. His body is beautiful, covered in a sheen of sweat. His muscles tense and release as he pushes into me. I watch him thrust over and over again. His head hangs back as he looks up at the ceiling when he comes. The tension rolls out of his back and he relaxes before pulling out of me.

God that turned me on. I’m already sore, but my body doesn’t seem to care. Sean watches me through the entire video.
After it’s over, I glance at him. I don’t know what to say. He’s messed up, but so I am because I’m so aroused. I want him so much.

Sean inches his hand further up my leg. I part them for him and lean back against his chest. I close my eyes when he touches me down there. Sean rubs gently, making lust swirl deep inside me. I want to turn around and straddle him. A smile creeps across my face when I realize something—it’s my turn.

CHAPTER
3

I’m still trembling, still on edge from what he did to me. I glance over at Sean in his jeans and bare feet.
He changed at some point and ditched the suit from earlier. I don’t see it on the floor. My gaze flicks up to his chest and those perfectly lickable abs. I can do anything I want. That was our trade. I hold out my hand to him and he takes it. I pull Sean up from the couch and he follows me across the room.

Sean stops walking. It makes my arm jerk and I stop and look at him. He’s tense, like I’m going to hurt him. “Can you tell me what we’re going to do? At least clue me in a little bit?”

I smile softly at him and shake my head. Dark hair falls over my shoulders. I’m naked and standing on rose petals in front of the bathroom door. A sliver of light shines through the dark room. “I won’t hurt you.”

“I know, it’s just…” Sean runs his fingers through his hair and then down his
neck. He stretches, showing off that ripped body. “I’m not good at these things.”

“Are you backing out of your end of the arrangement, Mr. Jones?”

Sean grins at me every time I call him that. It conjures memories of the first night I met him. “No, of course not, but—”

“Then, don’t worry about it. Trust me a little, okay.” I’m
cautious with him. For some reason, Sean seems brittle, like he’ll crack in my hands if I’m not careful. I don’t want to break him. I don’t want him in more pain than he already is, but I think this will help.

I start talking about things—my papers, Mel, grad school—as we wait for the tub to fill. I
have my hands on his skin, keeping the contact between us. Sean looks leery, but doesn’t shy away. When I turn off the water, I turn back to him. I reach for his waist and slip the button through the hole on his jeans. They loosen. I tug him toward me and look into his eyes. “It’s all or nothing, Ferro.”

“I’m not going anywhere,
Stanz.” He leans in and presses his lips to my temple. The kiss is so gentle, so uncertain. It makes me melt. There’s a softer side that Sean keeps hidden. The one time I saw it was the first time we were together. Maybe it was an accident, but tonight I’m not asking for accidents. I’m asking for all of him.

Looking down, I lower the zipper on his pants slowly. I slip the clothing off his
long, lean legs and toss them across the room. Taking his hands, we both step into the tub. Sean sits down and looks up at me. I hesitate before sitting down across from him, which was not my original plan.

Sean notices. “What’s the matter?”

I smile softly. “Nothing, just tired I guess.”

“You said you wouldn’t lie to me,
Smitty.” Sean takes my ankle and pulls my foot to his lap. He rubs little circles on the bottom of my heel.

“I don’t want to say it. It seems greedy and I have enough.”

“Say it.”

“This hardly seems fair. I don’t know every nook and cranny of your mind, but you think I should just let you into mine.”
I’m defensive. I don’t want to share everything, not if he isn’t.

S
ean grins. “I already know what’s bothering you, I just want to hear you say it.”

I laugh. There’s no way he knows. “Yeah? Then tell me. What do you already know?”

Sean looks up from under dark lashes. His eyes slip over my face and trail down my neck to where my breasts disappear below the water. When his gaze returns to meet mine, he says, “You don’t want to take it from me. You want me to let you in and make love to you softly and slowly. You want the piece of me that no one has access to. You want me to just let you in and give you everything you want.”

I look away. My heart pounds. Sean read my thoughts perfectly, not missing a thing. It’s what I was thinking, nea
rly word for word. It scares me—he scares me. I want to sink below the surface of the water and ask him to leave.

Sean tugs my ankle
, harder this time. My butt slips and I have to grab the sides of the tub before I go under. The movement makes me forgot for a second and I look at him. He says, “You’re wrong about that, you know. That piece is already gone.”

“No
, it’s not.” My voice is a whisper. It feels like I’m sinking and the sea is freezing. I’m drowning again.

“It is. I keep trying to tell you that. It’s a wonder that I don’t turn to ash when you touch me. I’m barely breathing,
barely alive. I don’t deserve you, but here you are offering everything. I’d give it to you, Avery, but—”

I don’t want to hear it anymore. Sean doesn’t seem to know. If his heart was gone, completely destroyed the way he thinks, then this wouldn’t bother him at all. It would be boring or an
inconvenience, but that’s not it. Intimacy scares him.

I shift in the tub and crawl toward him. Sean stops talking. I place a hand on his shoulder and wrap my legs around his waist before lowering myself onto his lap. Sean’s shoulders are so
hard, so tense. His hands find my waist. His touch is gentle.

When I look up into his eyes, I say, “Breathe.”

Sean nods and takes a long slow breath. His chest swells under my fingers. I won’t push him too far, too fast. I know that sitting face to face like this is hard for him. I’m guessing it reminds him of his wife. Maybe it’s something they used to do and I’m conjuring ghosts. I don’t know. I just know that he’s still in there somewhere, and the way Sean’s eyes flicker to life when we’re like this is impossible to miss.

I trail my fingers along his shoulders before taking the soap. I rub it between my palms and press my hand to his shoulders gently. I rub in slow circles, leaving a trail of suds as I move down his body with my hands. When I finish, I give him the soap and he does the same to me, carefully washing me with gentle touches. My eyes close for a second when Sean rubs his hands over my breasts, under, and around the sides. The touch is good, soft, but firm. I feel him harden beneath me as he does it.

My eyes flick open. Sean is watching me, lips parted, breathing a little too hard. I lean forward and press a kiss to his lips. Sean’s hands slip out of the water and up my back, feeling the curves of my body. I lean forward, moving my hips as I kiss him. When I settle on his lap again, he’s hard.

Sean shifts me in his lap so we line up perfectly, and then
pushes inside of me. It feels completely different than before, when he had me tied up. That felt frantic, but this makes me feel high, like a happy buzz, but so much more. Sean’s hands move down my back and grip my butt. He rocks me gently making the water slosh in the tub. His eyes are locked on mine. It feels so good and my body wants the release so bad, but I don’t give in to the sensations. Instead, I unwrap myself from him.

Sean seems surprised. “Avery?”

I stand and offer my hand. Sean takes it and stands. Water rolls off his beautiful body in sheets, cascading back into the tub. I take him in my arms and pull him against me. Sean wraps his arms around me and holds on tight. We stand there like that. I’m afraid to let go, but Sean makes it so I don’t have to. He sweeps me up into his arms. “I wish I could save you. It’s not that I don’t want to…”

“I know what you mean.”

Our eyes lock and the world stops. For a moment it seems like everything is fine, that it’ll all work out. Maybe I am naïve, because even thinking something like that is insane.

I tell Sean where to take us. He walks out of the bathroom and to the bed. I’m still damp, so when he sets me down the sheets stick to my skin. I pat the spot next to me. Sean lies down. We’re nose to nose. I thread my fingers in his hair and play with the curls at the nape of his neck.

We’re quiet for a while, then Sean speaks. His voice is so soft, barely there. “You amaze me, Avery Stanz.”

I smile
, sleepily. “Likewise, Sean Ferro. It seems that we’re opposites, doesn’t it? I mean, you like things one hundred percent backwards from the way I like them—when it comes to sex anyway.”

He smirks. “It’s probably with other things
, too. You didn’t turn to stone. I did. We’re so different—”

“And so alike.”

Sean presses his forehead to mine. “I love you, Avery.” He takes me in his arms, cradling me, and I fall asleep.

When I dream
, the sea is still. It doesn’t overcome me or pull me under. There’s a ray of sunshine piercing through the vast gray sky and I finally feel some peace.