The Art of Keeping Faith (47 page)

This makes me giggle even more.

“Don’t talk rubbish. We both know I am going to be crap.”

Me:
I am going to tell you. I am going to tell the entire world just how I feel about you. I hope that you see it.

23rd May

Ben:
Nothing

I have written one paragraph of the Get Ben Back article.

I’ve done no studying either.

It’s funny because I thought it would be easy to write about Ben, but it’s not at all. I have so much riding on it, so many hopes and dreams that will never come to reality if I get it wrong. What do you say to someone when you have told them to leave but then realise that them leaving is the single worst thing that could happen, but it is the one thing they do.

You write nothing. Well if you are me you write nothing. You just stare at a blank piece of paper instead, doodling the odd triangle.

Professor Johnson wants to see me on Monday before class to talk through something or another. I have no idea what, but I am pretty sure it cannot be good. He’s probably heard that I’m doing no studying, and is going to tell me not to bother taking the exams.

That may not be a bad thing.

Beth is topping and tailing in my room. We have been staying up all night talking and gossiping and she has been helping me flesh out all my diary notes from last year. Meredith has been joining us, but then she is also studying a lot. She really does not want to fail. Good for her.

Jayne knows that Beth is here. She is cut up about what has happened, but I don’t think she knows how to fix it. I mean after all, she is not gay. She knows this, we know this, but I guess sometimes you only learn these things the hard way.

I have.

Lilah Learn-Things-the-Hard-Way McCannon. That’s what I should be called.

Monday is Pilchard’s surprise movie for the exam—I truly dread to think. Once next week is done it will only be two weeks until the exams and the end of the year.

Wow. Year two is nearly done.

And what a year it has been.

Hat’s off to Lilah Learn-Things-the-Hard-Way McCannon for truly fucking up again.

Me:
I wish we could fix each other just like we used to. Please call me.

25th May

Ben:
Nothing

Still haven’t written anything. I don’t understand why it is so hard. It was not this difficult in January when I ran off the story of our first meeting in about two hours.

This time it is practically impossible to set down right.

Beth assures me it is because it means more this time. She was slurring as she told me this. In January it was just a quick fix for me forgetting his damn birthday—again. Now I am writing because I truly have to say something important. So go figure that this time I just don’t have the words.

Must remember Johnson tomorrow morning.

Me:
I have no words left

26th May

Ben:
Nothing

Last week of lectures.

Last week of sitting in class, pretending to understand what the hell all the clever people are talking about. Last week of reading a primary source and then hiding so the lecturer can’t ask me any complicated questions that I do not have a clue how to answer.

Thank goodness for that.

Oh fuck it. Johnson.

I’m going to be late.

9.00 a.m.

“Ah, Delilah. So glad you could make it.”

I sidle into the room trying to breathe in. My arrival at the meeting has been made even later by the fact I could not get my jeans done up.

How bloody embarrassing.

Meredith and Beth thought it was the funniest thing they had ever seen. Beth even spurted her Bloody Mary over the floor. And, yes, she has turned to vodka to help her through her time of trouble. I could have told her it would not help, but I am all lied out so I am leaving her to it.

I wish I could have had a Bloody Mary for breakfast. I think I may need it for this meeting, let alone Pilchard’s surprise film after.

“Sorry I’m late.”

“Not at all. Are the mornings still a bit shaky for you?”

I give a nervous giggle. “The mornings have always been hard for me regardless of the circumstances.”

“Well, that’s true,” he agrees a little too wholeheartedly.

“So is this our goodbye meeting?”

He raises an eyebrow. “Not at all, Delilah. In fact, it is the exact opposite. I wanted to talk to you about trying to stay on and for you to come back in September.”

I stare at him, my mouth hanging open.

“Um. Pardon?”

“I would like you to come back, as would Mike and most of the other lecturers who have taught you the last two years.”

“But why? I am a terrible student.”

Johnson gives me one of his stern looks, one he used to reserve for Vodka Lilah.

“Well, Lilah. I have to tell you I think you may be under a false impression. It seems you are the only one who thinks you are a terrible student.”

“But …”

“No buts. Come back, give it a go or at least try and do a couple more modules and then take some time off and finish later. We can make your degree part-time so you are not under a time constraint.”

“Really?”

“Really.”

“Wow. I have no idea what to say,”

“Well think about it at least.”

“Uh, I will. Sorry, Professor Johnson I need to go to class. It is our last film for History on Screen and the one the exam is on.”

“Oh, I know, I know,” he tells me bouncing on his toes. “Before you go, Lilah, can you answer me a question?”

“Sure,”

“Do you have faith in yourself and what you can achieve?”

I know this is the question he asked me months ago. Months ago when I thought the hardest thing I was going to have to face was having my boyfriend living in a different country to me. Now I am facing being a single parent. Yep, it kind of makes all previous worries fade into insignificance.

“I am trying.” I say as I edge to the door.

“Well find it and keep it, Lilah, because I know I have faith in you.”

My eyes smart a little bit and I do a weird head bob as I walk out the door instead of speaking.

Right, then. History on Screen.

Me:
Do you think I should stay a student, or shall I give it up and come find you? Me, and the thing I need to tell you about could follow you everywhere, living out of a suitcase trying to win you back.

27th May

Ben:
Nothing

Titanic

Bloody Titanic. That was Professor Pilchard’s last hurrah.

He clearly does not understand the concept of having a pregnant woman in his class. The moment the opening credits came up I started to panic.

No way. No way can I sit through three hours of people dying on the Titanic. It will be too much. I got up from my seat ready to make up a reason to be excused but he just pointed at my seat again as in ‘sit down now before I sit on you.’

So I did.

By the time Kate Winslet had to snap Leonardo DiCaprio’s fingers off the life raft and blow that Goddamn whistle I was practically hysterical.

The old woman flinging the necklace off the boat at the end was the final straw. Meredith had to escort me out of the room with everyone watching and straight to the car and then drive me home. I don’t remember the drive at all.

We got home and she tucked me into bed. Beth took one look at me and quickly walked out of the room. Apparently it is painfully clear to all my friends when I am past the point of communicating sensibly.

As Meredith turned to leave I clutched at her fingers and pulled her back to me. “Imagine waiting your whole life to see someone again,” I cried, before the sobs overtook my capacity for speech.

“Imagine,” she whispered.

So I did. I dreamt about Leo sinking to the bottom of the ocean, over and over again. I saw the sight of him floating away in the water, then the dream turned Leo into Ben and I kept seeing Ben floating away from me, fingers stretching out toward mine.

Losing Ben over and over again.

I woke up an hour ago screaming.

Now I can feel it. It’s burning inside me, an intense need to capture every feeling and emotion I have ever felt toward Ben and write it all down.

I don’t want to be some old woman who has spent her life in love with someone she is not with.

I want to live a lifetime with him.

I need to write and I need to write now.

Me:
I found you buried deep in my soul. Now I am going to tell everyone about you, about me, and most importantly about us.

31st May

Ben:
Nothing

“Lilah, Lilah? Are you all right, lovey?”

I lift my head up from the counter in the music shop and stare at Baz wondering just where the hell I am. There is the most deafening noise and for a moment I think Bodge-it is trailing me around with his hammer-drill but then I realise it is just a bunch of smelly teenage boys playing on the drum kit in the corner.

“Uh, yeah. Sorry I am just really tired,” I tell him, and I really am. I am completely exhausted.

Baz looks at me sympathetically.

“Tough last week at Uni, was it? You must have a lot of studying to do now with the exams only being a couple of weeks away.”

I narrow my eyes in scrutiny. Baz has never ever asked me about Uni before. Well, not that I remember anyway.

I stand up straight and try to suck in my tummy. Problem being it does not suck in that well. I seem to have grown over the last week. Outwards.

“Sort of,” I say.

“So what was the last film in that class you are always moaning about.”

Okay this is strange, I don’t ever remember talking about History in Screen. Then I think back to Gladiator all those months ago.

Ah.

“Oh, you know it was okay,” I say.

It seems it’s all I do these days. Lie with a vengeance. I don’t even know why I’m lying, I just can’t face talking about that movie.

“So what was it?”

Then I notice his smirk.

“Who told you?”

He can’t help himself. He starts to laugh, convulsive giggles shaking his massive frame.

“Meredith, she came in earlier this week. She had been shopping for some food and wanted to ponce some beers.”

That sounds about right.

Beth and Meredith are determined to feed me well, it’s why I am blaming them and not the baby for my weight gain.

“So you know about, Ti, Ti, Ti.”

“Titanic?”

“Yes, that.”

“Yes I do, lovey, and can I just say you are the most emotionally unbalanced person I have ever met.”

I give a little nod of agreement. “That makes me quite proud.”

“Thought so.”

“So what else did you hear?”

“That you have been typing away, beating the hell out of your laptop for days trying to write something for Ben.”

What a blabbermouth.

“Well have you?” he continues.

“Yeah,” I can’t help but grin.

Oh yes I have written it all right. I have written every moment that we spent together from where the last article left off until the end of October where our relationship went to the next level and Ben became more than some guy who I fancied and spent time hanging out with. He became someone that I never wanted to let go of.

Oh, shit. Don’t think that. It makes me visualise Leo/Ben floating to the bottom of the sea.

“Can I read it?”

“When it’s out,” I reply tartly.

“Ooh, like that is it?” He smiles reaching into the fridge for a beer. I glance at the clock.

“Baz, it’s like ten in the morning.”

“So? Want one?”

Yes.

“No.”

He takes a deep sip of his beer and turns to watch the group on the drums in the corner before wincing and turning back to me.

“So you still haven’t heard from Ben then?” I ask the question that is never far from my tongue.

“Nope, don’t you think I would have said?”

“Have you, Baz?”

He takes another well timed sip of beer before shaking his head. I narrow my eyes in suspicion at him, but then you know, maybe he just feels as hurt by being dumped by Ben as I do.

“Come on then, let’s teach these guys how to play a musical instrument before they make my ears bleed.”

“Guitar Karaoke?”

“Sure. Why the hell not?”

He picks up the remaining Gibson and gives it a little tune. My heart gives a little pitter patter as I hear the notes.

“Baz, do you want those tickets back to the festival now? I guess I don’t need them.”

“Well, don’t you want to go anyway?”

“Uh, no. Smelly people in a field? I would rather not.”

“That would be a shame, but yeah sure I will give them to my oldest if you don’t want them.”

That’s good. I won’t have to feel guilty about having them for any longer. And more than that, I won’t have to see them sitting on top of my chest of drawers and keep feeling incredibly disappointed that I won’t be able to jump on the stage and convince Ben that I made the most terrible mistake.

Three hours later

I am starving. Working makes me even hungrier than usual.

I’m on my way back from my second trip to McDonalds when I bump into Fi. She looks me up and down and again I try to suck in my tummy—Note to self: I am going to have to invest in some smock tops or bin bags for the next few weeks.

“Oh hey,” I say in greeting. I am a little startled to see her. I had no idea she was still living close by after she and Richard broke up.

“Hey, Lilah, how are you? I am sorry to hear about you and Ben.”