The Art of Keeping Faith (51 page)

I look at her, and then over her shoulder at Richard, who is staring at us intently.

“Well, it’s too late now anyway,” I tell her. I plan to turn back around and ignore her but quickly change my mind. “Maybe it wouldn’t have gone quite as bad as it did, if you hadn’t kept sending him little video clips of me on campus singing and what have you.” And made him incredibly paranoid.

“But I never did,” she states, shaking her blonde hair all over the place.

“Really?” My disbelief is evident for all to hear.

“No, not at all. I recorded them and took the pictures, but I only sent them to Richard because I knew he had a bit of a thing for you back then and I thought it would be funny. I don’t even have Ben’s number, why would I?”

“What?”

What??

“Lilah, jeez. I feel bad enough about what happened last year. I’m not going to make it worse.”

“So you didn’t send them?”

“No.”

I look over her shoulder to where Richard was standing, but he is gone.

“And did you leave the picture of Ben at the airport stuck in my trellising at Easter?”

“What picture?”

“The one from the Daily Star.”

“No, I would never read that paper. The only person I know who does is …”

“Richard,” I finish for her. I have just remembered what he was reading sitting at that study desk in the library the other week. It was a newspaper. The Daily Star. It just didn’t register at the time, otherwise I probably would have shoved it up his arse. Sideways.

“Shit,” I exclaim out loud just as Pilchard comes out of the room and starts to usher us all in.

Unlike last year, I have nowhere to run to. No one to catch. Nothing to try to fix. All I can do is sit in my seat and realise what a stupid fool I have been.

I may as well be Scarlett bloody O’Hara.

Holy crap! I AM Scarlett O’Hara.

I have allowed every doubt and negativity I have ever felt about myself to be manipulated by someone who did not have my best interests at heart. I think of all the conversations I shared with Richard, all the jogs we took where I told him all the little thoughts on my mind, like some silly schoolgirl. The whole time he was storing them up, waiting for a moment to use them against me.

Getting me out and enjoying myself, convincing me that my life didn’t have to stop just because Ben was gone; that was not for my benefit, but rather so he could gather evidence to show Ben that he was better off without me.

I always knew I was better off with Ben than without him. But Richard planted a seed of doubt in Ben’s mind, so that when I asked him to leave on Easter Sunday after finding the picture, Ben thought he was doing the right thing by walking away leaving me to live the life that it looked like I was enjoying but wasn’t. Ben probably thought I would never forgive him for pushing me into getting that upset. He probably thought that if he walked away I would be happier without him. All because I was too much of a dick to bravely tell him that he was the only thing that I ever wanted.

Oh my God. He is the only thing I have ever wanted in my entire life and I never even told him. I deserve to be by myself. I am a selfish bitch.

As I stare at the question paper and absorb what it is asking me to write about I realise one thing, one thing that Richard did not foresee when he was creating his master plan of destruction.

He did not foresee the baby, and neither did Ben and I. He could not see that if Ben and I ever lost faith in one another there would always be something there binding us together.

Faith can conquer all, and faith in this case comes in the shape of a baby created by pure chance.

So what do all the films on the syllabus have in common and what is the sole reason they were created, Pilchard?

Well I can tell you that one.

All the films on the syllabus are based around a desperate tragic situation which seem unsurpassable; but due to the handling of the topic and the sympathetic treatment they are given they are able to teach the audience a valuable lesson; that you can overcome insurmountable odds, and with faith any situation no matter how horrific or tragic can be overcome. That’s what they are all about,
Gladiator
,
Ben Hur
,
Spartacus
,
Hamburger Hill
,
Gone with the Wind
, and
Titanic
.

The film industry may be free-wheeling with their historical facts but they all achieve one thing. They teach us that history is something positive and something for us to have faith in as we struggle through our own lives.

I write like a woman possessed. There is a chance that Pilchard won’t be able to read my answer but I don’t care. I have written it and that is all that matters; well, that and the fact that I actually understood the question.

When we are told we can leave I leap from my chair and head to the door. I can feel Meredith glancing at me wondering what I am up, too. I don’t stop. I dash for freedom because once I am off campus I can stop pretending. I can stop breathing in, and I can stop dressing like a gypsy.

As I get to the door Richard steps into my path but I don’t stop.

“Lilah, wait. It’s not what you think.”

I take the time to slow my pace and turn back to face him.

“Richard?”

“Yes?”

“Go fuck yourself.”

Possibly my single most eloquent moment ever.

I need to go home. It is time for me to move on with the next phase of my life and you know what, Ben might not be in it, but then maybe I never deserved him in the first place. I was never brave enough for him. But now I am going to be brave enough for his child instead.

I will not be Scarlett O’Hara any longer. I am going to be the single best single mum this world has ever seen … Okay. Maybe Roehampton has ever seen.

Later

Everyone is out celebrating the end of term. I would have gone. I actually feel like celebrating, but at the same time I also feel like shifting all the bedroom furniture around to work out where I am going to put the cot.

I’ve just finished shoving the bed against the far wall and am sprawled face down on the mattress when I hear the key turn in the front lock. Great, time for a major bollocking from Meredith or Tristan on being irresponsible and not waiting for someone to help me.

“Lilah?”

Nooooooooo.

I freeze automatically and listen to the sound of Ben taking his shoes off by the front door.

Oh my God … Two months I have waited for this moment and it happens when I am bright red, face down on the bed and only wearing knickers and what looks like a crop-top.

Then I think. Who gives a fuck? Ben is walking down the hallway toward the bedroom and I thought he was never going to come back.

“Lilah? What on earth are you doing?”

I don’t want to move. He is going to see the bump straight away and I just don’t know what to say. I’m scared. More than scared; my heart is in my throat as I absorb the fact he is here. Ben is here.

“Uh.”

Yep, that’s it. It’s all I have.

He hesitates at the door waiting for me to turn around and face him. I don’t. I just lie still with my face squished into the mattress as it continues to sink in that Ben is here. Hot fast tears soak into the bed.

“Listen, Lilah, I don’t expect you to forgive me. I know I’ve been horrible toward you. But I just wanted to tell you something.”

He moves toward the bed but I still keep my face down, my sobs getting louder and hotter.

Ben’s back. Ben’s back. Ben’s back.

Why? Why? Why?

“Why, Ben? Why are you back?” I say into the mattress.

I feel the mattress dip under his weight and I know he is a mere touching distance away. I daren’t look at him though.

“Lilah, you asked me to leave and I thought for once that maybe I should just do as you asked. I knew you would not want me around, not after what I pushed on you.”

He hesitates and I can’t stop myself from asking, “What did you push on me?”

“I made you lose the baby, our baby.”

“Ben,” I start to say, ready to turn over. But he smoothes a hand over my shoulder and my skin catches fire.

“Lilah, wait, I need to tell you something. That baby was the only thing that I ever wanted for us. I wanted it last March when it never happened, and it has never gone away. I won’t forgive myself for destroying that, and I don’t expect you to either.”

I don’t know where this is heading. Why is he here, then?

“Why are you here, Ben?”

“Because I got your text, and I need you to know that I love you, even though you don’t want to be with me anymore.”

What?

What? I don’t know what to say.

“Why do you think I don’t want to be with you? You haven’t even asked?” My lungs physically ache to breathe.

“Because I don’t see how you would forgive me. Lilah, I need you to know how I feel. I know I should never have left, back in October. I should have stayed with you. But you never asked me to stay, so I assumed that it was what you wanted.”

Fuck. Way to go, Scarlett.

“Ben. Wait I need to tell you something.”

“No, Lilah. I need to tell you something. I loved your article. It gave me some faith to come out, and find you, and ask you to forgive me to your face.” He chuckles a little but it is a bitter sound. “We really were good together, hey, Lil?”

Oh for fucks sake this is ridiculous.

I push up from the sweaty wet patch I have created with my tears.

“Ben. Please. For God’s sake, look at me. I still think we can be perfect together. I’ve been trying to find you to let you know. I am so sorry I told you to leave.”

He stares at me as I get to my knees. First the blues take in my face, every inch of it, like they are staring at their favourite painting. It is how I am probably staring at him. Then they flicker lower, and then lower still, until they rest on the bump peeking out from under my T-Shirt.

“What?”

I reach my hand for him, but he backs away.

“Lilah, what is going on?”

“Ben, it’s why I tried to call you about a million times. It’s why everyone else has been calling. And it’s why for the last two months I have just wanted you home with me.” My voice breaks on home, and I stare at him wildly, waiting for him to make a move.

“What?”

“Ben, I never lost the baby, I am so sorry you left because I got so angry. The moment I got to the hospital I knew I’d made a terrible mistake. You have been gone for so long now.”

He gives his head a little shake.

“Too long,” he whispers, so low I think I’ve not heard right.

“Pardon?”

“Too long,” he repeats again and before I can say anything else he is up off the bed and out of the room.

What the fuck? Did he just walk out again? No fucking way.

Like lightning, well a pregnant lightning, I am up off the bed and chasing after him down the hallway.

I grab him firmly by the arm.

“Don’t you dare walk away from me again, Benjamin Chambers!” I screech. He winces at my words and spins to face me.

“How can you even look at me, Lilah? I left you pregnant. I left you alone all because I had my feelings hurt. You’ve been by yourself for months, all because I am a self-obsessed bastard.”

“Ben! No! That’s not it at all. I have been by myself because I am a crazy person who does not believe I am good enough for you.” There, I have said it.

“Why didn’t you tell me the moment I came home and you threw up on the floor?”

“Because I wanted just one more day with you before I changed us forever. I knew you would give the up band, and I was worried I might turn you into your dad and you would hate me, or us.” I gesture at the bump and me.

He starts to laugh. I can’t for the life of me work out what is funny.

He reaches a hand for me, and slides it down my arm, linking his fingers through mine. The perfect fit.

“Lilah, I will never be my dad.”

“Really? You would not regret giving everything up for me, for us?”

“Lilah, I did give everything up for you and it was the most liberating thing I ever did. I just never got to share it with you.”

“Ben,” I start but don’t get to finish because he steps toward me, his firm, lean body pressed against me and the bump.

“How long will it take you to forgive me for leaving you?”

“How long is it going to take for you to forgive me for being a jealous incredible hulk?”

His lips smile as he lowers his face down toward me. “Delilah McCannon, can I please come home?”

Home. Home. Home.

“Well, actual …” I start but am stopped by the feel of his lips brushing against mine.

I take a sharp intake of breath. Heaven.

“Delilah McCannon, can I please come home and never have to leave again?” His lips start to kiss around my own.

I don’t bother to reply. I slide my hands into his hair and kiss him properly. We have so much to sort out, but right now I’m happy to go with kissing.

A few moments later he pulls away and links his fingers back through mine and guides me back to my room, which I guess may now be ours again.

“So, what have I missed?” he asks, the blues twinkle and crinkle as he tugs me through the door.

“Well you know. Not much. It’s been pretty dull.” I giggle, a hysterical sound escaping from my lips as he twirls his gran’s ring around my finger and looks at it gleam in the afternoon light. “Ooh, the baby likes “Hey There, Delilah.” I announce proudly.