The Bare Bum Gang and the Valley of Doom (4 page)

'Maybe it was an accident or something,'
said Alfie softly. 'Or maybe Ludo ate the
sweets and then just, well, forgot about it.'

I looked at him. His face was completely
blank, and it was impossible to know what
was going on in his head.

'Anyway,' he continued, 'it was my
birthday a week ago, and I've still got some
birthday money left over. I can buy you all
some new sweets.'

'That's very good of you,' said Jenny, her
face as stern as a statue. I mean as stern
as a stern statue. You probably get smiling
statues, but she was way sterner than that.

'I've heard enough,' said The Moan, as if
he was in charge. 'Outside, everyone.'

Almost without knowing how, I found that
I was standing outside the den. All my old
friends were in a line facing me, with Alfie
sitting on a tree stump over to one side.

The Moan was talking.

'When you started out as Gang Leader, I
thought you were all right at it. Not brilliant,
but not too rubbish. But now you've led us
into a fiasco in the Valley of Doom, and we
got all stunk up and, what's more, you've
eaten all our sweets. That makes you a thief,
as well as an idiot and a loser. If you had
just been an idiot, or just a thief, or just a
loser, then we might have let you stay in
the Gang. But as you're all three, we've got
to kick you out.' He looked at the others.
'All agreed?'

Noah had tears welling up in his eyes,
but he said nothing. Jenny looked sad and
serious, and said, 'Agreed,' in a quiet voice.

Jamie said, 'Agreed,' in a loud voice, at
the same time as scratching his bottom and
picking his nose.

No one spoke up for me.

'And as there's now room in the den for
another person, I say we let Alfie in to take
Ludo's place. Everyone agree to that too?'
There was a general 'yes' sound.

'Have you anything to say before we pass
sentence?'

'I think you've already passed sentence,'
whispered Jenny.

'Oh yes. Well, have you anything to say
before we, er, carry out the sentence.'

He made it sound like I was about to go
to the guillotine, which is how the French
used to chop people's heads off before they
invented the firing squad to kill people.

I took a moment to steady myself. It's
important to have Famous Last Words. It's
one of the things you'll be remembered for,
such as Julius Caesar's '
Et tu Brute
', which
he said after he'd been nastily stabbed in
the togas, and Oscar Wilde saying, '
Either
the wallpaper goes or I do
.'

'Yes, I have. I didn't steal those sweets. I
know it looks bad, with the wrappers being
in my binocular case and everything, but
I just didn't, and if you were ever truly
my friends then you'd believe me. And I
think we did quite well in the Valley of
Doom, considering we were ambushed.
Some people might say it was our finest
hour. Anyway, I invented this gang and
it wouldn't exist without me, but I don't
want to be in any gang that doesn't want
me in it. So it's goodbye. You'll never see
me again.'

'Except at school,' said Noah.

'Yes, well, of course we'll see each other
at school. It'd be hard not too.'

'And at Scouts,' said Jamie.

'Yes, I suppose I'll see you at Scouts too,
sometimes.'

'And generally around the place, like at
the shops,' said The Moan. 'But we'll ignore
you.'

'I'll ignore you even more,' I replied.

And then, without another word or turning
back, I left them for ever.

Probably.

'You can't stay in there all day, Ludo.'

That showed what my mum knew. I was
going to stay in my bedroom all day and
nobody could stop me. She was shouting
because I'd piled everything in my bedroom
up behind the door to jam it so she couldn't
get in.

This is what I crammed behind the
door:

• my gigantic box of Lego (just the
  ordinary bits, not my Star Wars Lego,
  which is way too precious);
  
• my jaguar (or maybe leopard) pyjama
  case stuffed with all my old dressing-up
  clothes;
  
• all the books from my bookcase;
  
• my remote-controlled truck that hadn't
  had any batteries since I was four;
  
• my shoes (trainers, ordinary school
  shoes and Sunday best);
  
• my box (including the priceless Sea Emerald my dad found for me on the beach
  in Devon);
  
• my pillows;
  
• my duvet;
  
• my underpants;
  
• my real working microscope that
  I'd never actually managed to see
  anything through at all, despite trying
  with hair, flies, blood, bogeys and
  drops of water out of the toilet that
  should have been squirming with
  interesting germs.
  

So, as you see, it would take more than just
one mum to bash her way in. Unless she was
driving a bulldozer, or had a bazooka.

'It's your favourite dinner.'

I was actually quite hungry, because of
not having any sweets after the mission. But
no matter how hungry I was, I wouldn't
open the door because I didn't want my
mum and dad and my sister Ivy to see
my eyes. If they did, they might think
that I'd been crying, even though I hadn't.
My eyes were red and watery because I had
something in them. Probably a fly. Yes, that
was it. Two flies had flown into my eyes.
Or maybe one fly had flown into both of
them. Not at the same time, because then
it would have to be the size of a pigeon
or giant bat or something, and it wouldn't
have been happy with just making my eyes
water but would have tried to suck out all
of my blood too. No, it was just a standard
fly, and it must have flown into one eye and
then escaped, but had been so confused it
then flew into the other eye. Yes, that was
definitely it.

'It's fish and chips.'

Fish and chips. I love fish and chips. I eat
the chips first, and then the inside of the
fish, and then the crinkly batter last – I like
the crinkly batter best. The only bad thing
about it was having to watch Ivy eat mushy
peas, which was like watching a zombie
suck the brains out of its victim.

My stomach made a loud growling noise
like a black panther announcing his lordship
over all the beasts of the jungle. And if you
think that the lion is the Lord of the Jungle,
then you're wrong, because lions don't even
live in the jungle, but where it's all grassy.
And if you think Tarzan is the Lord of the
Jungle, then you're just plain silly, because
he's only a story.

'I'm not eating any mushy peas.'

'I know you're not.'

'And you can't try to persuade me to,
even by bribing me.'

'Whatever you like. Just come down. I
know you're upset.'

'I'M NOT UPSET!'

'Whatever you say.'

'I'll think about it.'

It took me a few minutes to clear the
mess from the door. Mum and Dad looked
at each other when they saw me. Ivy had
a gigantic chip in her fist, holding it as if
it was a spear. Good idea, that, I thought. I
mean, an edible spear. For example, if you
were out hunting in the jungle and got lost,
you could eat it. Not that a chip would be
much use if you got attacked by cannibals.
They'd just eat you and then have the chip
as a side order.

After I'd finished my fish and chips (plus
some of Ivy's that she didn't want and hadn't
dribbled any mushy pea juice over) I went
back to my bedroom. Then Dad came up
for a chat. It was obviously his turn.

'What's up, son?' he asked in the special
voice he always used when he wanted to
sound like he cared about my problems.

'Nothing.'

'Is it your elasticated trousers? That's what
your mother thinks.'

My mum had bought me a pair of
trousers with a stretchy elastic waist. Some
of the other kids made fun of them because
they were babyish. They said they were
stretchy so I could fit a nappy inside
them. I'd forgotten how much I hated
my elasticated trousers, but now Dad
had reminded me.
That made me
even more sad.

'No.'

'Is it your hair?'

Mum had cut
my hair at the
weekend. It looked
like a vulture had
landed on my head
and died. That was
another thing to be
depressed about.

'No.'

'Is it because Ivy ate Obi-Wan?'

'IVY DID WHAT?'

My Lego Obi-Wan Kenobi character was
one of my favourite things in the world, and
now my sister had eaten him. Now there
was no one to fly the Jedi Interceptor. Just
how bad were things going to get?

'Oh, sorry, didn't you know? Don't worry,
we'll get him when he comes out the other
end. We'll wash all the you-know-what off.
He'll be good as new.'

This was turning into the worst cheering-up
session in the history of the world. I
decided that I'd better tell Dad why I was
sad before he made things even worse by
telling me that the universe was about to
end, or that Granny and Grandad were
coming to stay.

'I got chucked out of the Gang, Dad.'

And then, because I'd said it, straight
out like that, I did cry, but only a little bit.
Dad gave me a hug, and I told him the
whole story, except the part about doing
a wee in the Special Mixture Number
Seven.

'Never mind,' he said. 'You'll soon make
some new friends.'

'How can I? There isn't anyone else to
play with.'

'What about Jules and Jim?'

Jules and Jim were two manky twins. They
were five years old and the only game they
could play was pulling hair. You'd have to
do a lot of thinking before you came up
with a game as rubbish as pulling hair.

'I'd rather eat my own ear in a
sandwich.'

'Oh . . . Well, would you like me to have
a word with Noah's dad? Noah's your best
friend, isn't he?'

'Definitely not. It's Noah I hate the most
now. He should have stuck up for me.'

'OK then, Ludo, why don't you sleep on it
tonight, and we'll have a think about what
to do in the morning? Things always look
better in the morning.'

'You don't.'

'What?'

'You always look terrible in the morning,
like someone's come and beaten you up in
the night.'

'Ha ha,' said Dad, and ruffled my hair.
He was quite a good dad, really.

I read my comics late into the night. It
seemed that every superhero had a helper
or a friend or a gang. I was the only one
who was completely alone, unless you
included my Obi-Wan, all covered in Ivy
poo.

And it was somewhere in that long,
lonely night that I began to
Think the
Unthinkable
.