The Believing Game (10 page)

“No, man, it doesn't bother me. I just don't get it.”

“Elizabeth is Greer's second name.”

“Her middle name?”

I nodded at Wes.

Joshua explained, “I call her Elizabeth because that is the name she has chosen. That's how she'll be addressed in the next life. It's the name she chose for herself. I use it because she is so valuable to me.”

“It's her middle name,” Wes said. “She didn't choose it any more than I chose Lawrence.”

“It's also my confirmation name.” I spoke up then, trying to explain it clearly. “When you're Catholic and you get confirmed, you choose a name. I just chose the middle name I already had.” Wes looked up at me. “Some people do that.”

“Does that meet with your approval?” Joshua asked him.

“It didn't need to meet with my approval. I just wanted to understand.”

“Well then, are there any other questions you've been holding on to? Are you happy being addressed as Wes?”

“Yeah, for now. Unless you're willing to call me King.”

“You'd have to first demonstrate a willingness to act kingly.”

Wes laughed a little. “Ahhh, very tricky. Is Joshua your first name or your middle name?”

“It's my given name, my first name. Do you know the meaning of the name Joshua?” He looked all around the table as if indicating it was a question open to any of us to answer.

Hannah squeaked out, “Joshua fought a battle.” Go, Hannah Green, biblical scholar.

“Indeed he did. And the etymology — the root — of the name Joshua means
salvation
. So that allows me to offer salvation.”

“My name means wisdom, but it's not like I necessarily think I'm that smart,” Sophie piped up, scraping her bowl with a chopstick.

“But that's the most foolish thing you've ever said,” Joshua offered. “It might be the only foolish thing. You exude intelligence, Sophia. You have extremely wise eyes.” Sophie set down her bowl and gave him a withering look. “What makes me sad is seeing wariness replace that wisdom. I hope we will change that.”

Apparently Jared and Wes were less interested in the meanings of their names. They got to work, carrying stacks of dishes into the kitchen. I rose to help them, but Joshua said, “I meant what I said about resting.” He turned to Addison.

“Yeah, yeah. I'll go.”

“Why don't you stoke the fire first? The ladies and I will gather and talk.”

Addison knelt by the fireplace and started picking out fatwood from the pile. Sophie nudged me and I giggled. In jeans and his plaid flannel shirt, he looked like a lumberjack or some kind of porno actor.

“What's so funny?” Joshua asked.

“Go on — tell him,” Sophie teased me.

Addison looked up. I explained, “It's just — well, you look like one of those dudes on the cover of romance paperbacks, you know?”

He laughed and blushed. “No. I don't know. But I'll take it.”

“Oh come on, Add — you've probably got a collection of those.
A Wintry Love
or
Safe from the Storm
.” Sophie's laugh rang out through the room. Joshua laughed too.

“Brother, brother. She just devoured you with her eyes. Tell you one thing, I don't want the room next to yours tonight.” I made myself keep laughing, but I hated when Joshua referred to Addison's and my sex life. Or our not-quite sex life. When we'd planned the weekend, my first thought had been that we might seal the deal. But I didn't want to do it knowing other people were in the house listening to every squeaky spring or soft moan. “Is that fire roaring? That fire needs to be roaring. I'm going to sit down with the ladies and we're going to discuss unity while you boys get that kitchen clean. You know how to clean dishes, correct?”

“Sure thing, Joshua.”

“Good. 'Cause I'm not setting loose any cavemen onto this planet. The world has enough cavemen, am I right about that?”

I nodded.

Joshua sank into the sofa and patted the squares on either side of him. “You want to see a caveman, you should have seen Addison when I first met him.”

“I've always known how to do dishes, Joshua,” Addison called back over his shoulder.

“The only suds you were handling when I met you were the ones at the bottom of a keg, brother. You might have known how to do dishes, but you weren't demonstrating that knowledge in any way. There's no shame in growth, right, Elizabeth? Let me tell you, this young lady couldn't look at you with more adoration in her eyes. It would be illegal. Hannah, what's the first word you'd use to describe Greer? Just say it — don't think about it.” Joshua switched gears so fast, I was still stuck staring at Addison's flannel back, a dish towel thrown over his shoulder. I turned, surprised, to face Hannah.

She said, “Pretty.”

“That's the bare fact about Greer, isn't it? Do you think that's the first thing people notice about her?”

“Yeah. Yes.”

“Do you know that about yourself, Greer?” He turned to Hannah and then Sophie. “Even if I ask her that, though, what can she say? She won't admit that, right? What would it mean to admit that?”

“It's not a question of admitting anything.” I looked at each of them. “It's not true. People think all sorts of things about me.”

“Of course it's true. Why would Hannah lie? What's the first word you'd use to describe Hannah, Greer?” I hesitated. “Go on,” Joshua coaxed. Hannah nodded.

“Weird.” I apologized with my eyes, but she didn't even blink.

“Sophia? What's the first word you'd use?”

“Maybe
strange
?”

“And for Greer?”

“Pretty.”

Joshua held my eyes. “Now do you believe me? How would you describe Sophia?” But I shook my head, crossed my arms across my chest. “Hannah —” He prodded.

“Sad.”

“Wonderful. You're only saying that because of my brother.” Sophie rolled her eyes.

“Greer? What's the one word you would use?” Joshua asked.

“Sad,”
I said and turned to look her in the eye. “I've always thought that deep down you might be really sad.”

“Not that deep down, apparently.” Joshua sat back. “Feel that fire. That's a good, comforting warmth. Elizabeth, you look like you're mulling over something. Do you want to share something with me?” I didn't say anything at first. “Maybe express some anger?”

“No anger.” I was almost able to stop myself from talking. Almost. I couldn't let it stand, and that's probably what Joshua was counting on. “I just thought this weekend was about coming together, connecting. And that kind of question seems designed to split us apart.”

“I find your reaction very curious.”

Where was Addison anyway? How long did it take for three guys to wash about twenty dishes? “Somehow I knew you would.”

“Yours especially. The words you thought of for Hannah and Sophia were
weird
and
sad
, respectively.”

“I told you whatever popped into my head first. Neither of those are the only words I'd choose to describe either of them.”

“No one has forgotten the parameters of this activity. You don't even see where I'm headed. Do either of you?” He studied Hannah and Sophie. “Hannah? Could you help illuminate Greer?”

I didn't think it was possible for Hannah's voice to get smaller. “I'd give almost anything if the first word people thought of when they saw me was
pretty
.” Joshua nodded and Sophie sat up a little. Hannah's voice grew a tiny, tiny bit. “You act like it's nothing. But it's an advantage.”

Joshua leaned into me. “Can you listen to this?”

“I'm listening.” The fire crackled and hissed. I heard the guys horsing around in the kitchen. Hannah watched me with her saucer eyes. “How am I supposed to respond to this?”

“Honestly,” Joshua said. “I'd like some cocoa. Is there a kettle?” When Sophie nodded, he said, “I'll look forward to that when we're complete here. Why did the word
pretty
insult you?”

“It implies certain things.”

“That's all you're going to give us? You're going to sit there, pouting, but not provide any more by way of an explanation?”

“I'm not pouting. The implication is vapid.
Pretty
is all about the surface. That implies that there isn't anything beneath the surface.”

“But no one said that.”

“That's usually what
implication
means. No one says it outright. That doesn't make it less true. At least
weird
suggests interesting.”

“Is that how you feel about the word
weird
, Hannah?” Sophie asked. “Does it make you feel like you're more fascinating than the next person?”

“Et tu, Sophie?” I said.

Joshua jumped in. “We're just discussing first impressions here. I'd hoped we wouldn't take these words so personally.” He looked puzzled, but I didn't buy it. It felt as if I'd walked into a trap and, in trying to claw out, ended up covering myself in dirt. “I apologize.”

“There's no need to apologize just because Greer doesn't enjoy hearing that she's pretty.” Sophie stood up. “I'll put on the kettle.”

We watched her walk away. “Do you understand why other women might be impatient with you, Greer?” I held my hand out in front of me, moving my fingers. Maybe it looked like I was playing an invisible piano, but really I was counting the number of girls I'd ever trusted. Definitely not my sister. Maybe Trina, the girl who lived three doors down from us until she moved away in the sixth grade. Two girls in middle school who I thought were my best friends until they decided I was a slut the summer before high school. And, yep. That's pretty much the sum total. An hour earlier, I might have named Sophie until she turned out to have a previously unmentioned dead brother, an obvious family trauma, and an unmistakable chip on her shoulder because I didn't enjoy being referred to as merely pretty. So I could really care less if other girls were impatient with me. I was feeling pretty freaking impatient with them.

But I wanted it to end. So Sophie turned out to be like any other girl. I could survive that disappointment. And it's not like I'd expected me and Hannah to enter into some sister-hood of the unraveling rants or anything. She could be crazy all by herself. I wanted a cozy weekend in the woods with my sensitive, muscular boyfriend.

“Wow,” I murmured, as if enlightenment were just dawning on me. “I'd never tried to see it from someone else's
perspective. Sometimes people write you off, though, for all kinds of reasons. I guess I'm just sensitive about that.”

“Do you see how your looks can be a privilege?”

I made sure to pause before I nodded, so that it looked as if I was carefully considering it. “I do.”

“Who's privileged?” Addison strutted in, drying his hands on his jeans.

“You are all privileged,” Joshua answered. “I've taken on the challenge of showing you how.”

“Uh-oh — have you started the white-power lecture yet?” Addison looked at Hannah and me. “A little advice, ladies. Just admit you noticed that he's black.” Addison laughed.

“Don't make it easy on them. I hadn't even gotten there yet.” Joshua smiled, but his eyes narrowed.

Sophie came back with the kettle and a tray of mugs, tea bags, and cocoa packets. “Who's black? Besides you and Wes, I mean.”

“Who's the happy homemaker, here?” Joshua started giggling. “I'm not black, Sophia D. I am hot cocoa.”

“Jeez,” Addison groaned. But he smiled and nuzzled my neck. I shifted on the sofa and let him move in between Joshua and me. Maybe he knew enough to sit strategically. We reached for mugs. I concentrated fiercely on my tea and hoped we'd move on to talk more about hot beverages than identity politics.

Jared and Wes stuck their heads in the room. “Hey, Sophie, it's probably not okay to smoke in the house, right?”

“Probably not! But thanks for asking,” Sophie called out gaily.

“Since when do you guys smoke?” Addison sounded personally wounded.

“Since we crossed the property limits of McCracken Hill.”

“C'mon, guys, there's no reason we can't continue a fitness regime up here. We've got logs to lift out back. And Sophie says there's trails to run.”

“Or we could just relax and enjoy two days off of the self-improvement reservation.” Wes grabbed a pack of Marlboros out of his backpack.

Addison turned to Joshua for backup, but Joshua said, “Let them have their vices.”

“Says the addiction specialist. Jesus. What happened to work the steps or walk the plank?”

Wes shook his head. “Whatever, Add. You've got your vice sitting right there on your lap.”

“Okay, now settle down,” Joshua said. “I'm sure that Greer would appreciate being seen as a loving and giving person, not some kind of bad habit. Right, Greer?”

“Not even a pretty bad habit.”

At least Jared had the decency to look a little chastened. “Greer, you know we're just jealous, right? I'm sorry if we're using you to give Superman over there a hard time.”

“However I can be of service,” I called out as Jared and Wes headed out the door.

“Hope not.” Addison grinned.

“Shut up.” I slapped him and laughed until I caught Sophie rolling her eyes. “I didn't mean it like that.” Somehow it felt like I was apologizing to her.

Joshua stirred his cocoa. “You got those mini marshmallows?” Sophie shook her head. “It's a shame to have hot chocolate without marshmallows. Do you know why, Addison?”

“I can only guess.”

“That's right, because you need the light with the dark,
isn't that right? Greer, what did you expect when you met me? Did it shock you that this skinhead was hanging out with a black man?”