The Believing Game (28 page)

I woke up early the next morning and slipped into the shower in a futile attempt to wash the slut out of my hair. I stood under the hottest water I could stand and scrubbed myself down twice. Then I dressed and tucked my hair into a quick bun, hoping to hit breakfast before most of the rest of campus woke and stretched.

I didn't feel like seeing anyone — not Addison or Wes. Not Hannah. Not even Sophie. So when I heard footsteps fall into place beside me on the path outside my dorm, I braced myself for an argument. And that was before I saw it was Joshua.

It hit me that I had rarely seen Joshua Stern in daylight. He could have been a vampire. I tried to act nonchalant, even though my skin prickled with the urge to take off running. “Hey, you.” When I said it, my voice sounded almost normal.

“Good morning. If the mountain won't come to Muhammad, then Muhammad must go to the mountain.”

“So I'm the mountain in this scenario?”

“You are strong. And stubborn.” Joshua didn't seem to be having much trouble walking, although he still carried his cane. “I've missed you, Elizabeth.”

“I'm sorry — there's just been so much going on. But Addison has kept me updated. And you know I'm always here for you, no matter what —”

“I believe we should stop lying to each other.” The sky was just now lightening, and ahead of us, I saw the backs of two people jogging. It looked like a man and woman. I wondered if screaming would make them turn.

“That's kind of rich, coming from you,” I said.

Joshua's cane snapped across the path and blocked my step. “Whatever you think you know — that pales in comparison to what you should believe.” He lifted his cane and we walked in stiff silence. “I know we haven't a great deal of time to talk alone. So I wanted to take this opportunity to make myself clear. I have done a lot for you, Elizabeth. Starting with handing Addison over to you. I'm surprised you'd want to risk that —”

“I know you're not sick. I followed you at the hospital. By myself. You just walked through the lobby and got into a cab.” At least I had the good sense to stop myself from mentioning Sophie. Or Hannah.

“You dwell on this as if it matters.”

“It matters that you've been lying to us.”

“You're missing the point. There are different kinds of truth. I've told you how I've suffered, the toll my actions and my sacrifices have taken on my body. So I would swear to anyone that I am ill, that I am failing. Just like I know it's God's truth that I rescued Addison from himself. That same truth holds: You love Addison. We share that dedication. We'd both do anything to save him from pain.”

“I'm not keeping your secrets anymore.”

“You don't want to take me on.”

We walked all the way to the dining commons. I could look up the hill and see people trickling out of the dorms. “It's time for me to go.”

Joshua snarled his last words to me then. “Listen very carefully. This should matter to you, Greer Elizabeth. You have nothing that I haven't given you. Your boyfriend, your friends. What happens if I point out how little you've been eating to the deans? How quickly will they send you to inpatient treatment?”

“I'm doing fine.” In spite of myself, I clarified, “In that way.”

“Well, don't slip up, sister. I'd hate to have to act in the best interests of your health.” My lips moved, wanting to cry out for help, but what would I say? Joshua had threatened me with his concern? “Surely I don't have to tell you that it wouldn't serve your best interests to confide in Addison right now. He has so much worrying him. Let me speak with true honesty and assure you that for right now I won't alter how I treat you, Elizabeth. We recognize ourselves in each other.”

“I don't see myself in you.”

Joshua smiled his slow, cruel smile. “That's because you're invisible. You don't see yourself at all.” He stopped and nodded toward the dining commons. “Enjoy breakfast.” He pronounced it like a curse.

Sitting by myself at the table, I arranged a wedge of cantaloupe and a little pile of cottage cheese on my plate. Then I stood again and made myself go back for a whole wheat bagel. I saw Mr. Mikkelsen jot something down into his little ledger and made myself smile at him. Carbs and eye contact. What a breakthrough.

Actually eating was a different animal altogether. My stomach growled, but that didn't make it easier to spoon up the fruit and cheese. I tried nibbling the bagel. It felt like my
first day at McCracken all over again. Small bites that tasted like sawdust mostly because someone else had forced me.

The more it mattered, the more I realized how effortlessly Joshua could set the wheels in motion for my transfer. He'd probably even be able to convince Addison to be grateful for it. And the more I realized it mattered, the less I managed to eat.

Later on, in lit class, my stomach rumbled loudly enough that Addison looked up and raised his eyebrows. “Sorry,” I murmured and wished I could fit more into that little word. Dr. Rennie kept looking back and forth between Addison and me during his lecture. After class, he asked, “Mr. and Mrs. Bradley?”

I felt my face go hot and looked over to see if Addison would cringe. He just grinned and shook his head. “Dr. Rennie, you've got this gift for awkward statements.”

“One of my many talents. Another is sensing discord in the young and brilliant. Are you two all right? No one's dying? Or maybe getting put out to pasture with the rest of the rehabilitated?”

“No one's dying.” I wondered if Addison would notice the assurance in my voice.

But he only added, “And we're not fully well adjusted yet.” Then he said, “We're okay, though. Thanks for asking.”

Dr. Rennie gazed at me over the narrow ovals of his spectacles. “That's right,” I parroted. “Everything's okay with us.”

“Well, that's good to hear. But if it wasn't, I hope you both know I'm here to help.”

“Sir, I appreciate that.” Addison looked over to me and smiled. “We appreciate that.” I nodded.

He held open the door for me as we left and then asked, “Could you give me five minutes?” I searched his face for a hint of anger. But he told me, “I know I need more than that — to apologize. But for now — sorry. Really. For acting like a bastard last night. For letting Wes get to me. You don't deserve that.”

When I looked away from him, maybe Addison figured I was taking some time to consider forgiving him. Really I was thinking about all the conversations I'd had since we had argued. Any one of them could cause him to walk away from me forever. “You don't need to apologize.” At that point, he probably thought that was generosity speaking. “We just see some things differently.”

“I hope not.” Addison slung his arm around me, pulled me close, and kissed the top of my head. I felt swallowed up. “Let's remember that there's a lot of people like Hannah out there to help, but we can't do that if we absorb their crazy delusions. We have to protect ourselves too.”

I thought of Joshua — his delusions and his designs. “I just want that — for us to protect ourselves and each other.” I looked back at the door to Dr. Rennie's classroom. We could go in and sit there, at two facing desks. I could explain all of it with someone right there in case things got out of hand.

“We're really lucky to have each other.” Addison squeezed me more tightly, so that I felt sure he could feel my heart hammering frantically against his chest. When we passed Wes in the east hallway, Addison probably just intended to demonstrate integrity when he nodded at his ex-roommate. He couldn't have been trying to intimidate either of us. Even still, when I craned my head slightly to glimpse Wes staring after us, I had to fight back the strange urge to call out for help.

The prospect of lunch triggered the old dread, but not just about food. I stood there in the wide doorway of the dining hall and appraised the room. Sophie and Hannah had already sat down at a corner table. I watched Jared head toward them and turned to face Addison. “Where should we sit?”

“Where else would we sit?”

“I don't want a scene with Hannah. You know?”

“Of course not. She has a heavy burden.” He guided me in the room with his hand on my back. “Hannah's not our enemy. Besides, you know what Joshua always says about enemies, right?”

My organs sank in my torso. “No. What's that?”

“Kill them with kindness!” Addison sounded gleeful. I breathed deeply, steadied myself, and followed him through the cafeteria. “How's it going, Hannah? You're wearing the braids today — you know how I love those braids.” Hannah tilted her face up and basked in the attention.

Sophie's eyes lasered in on mine. “Hey, Soph — I missed you at breakfast,” I said.

“Yeah? I was here. Usual time?”

“Maybe I got off to an early start.”

“We should grab some grub.” Addison spoke in the faux casual voice of unconcealed concern. And then the familiar singsong: “Greer, Greer — let's go over here.” He stood next to me while I constructed the turkey sandwich. When he kept watching, I grabbed a bag of pretzels. “Mmmmmm.” He said it like I was a baby, perched in a high chair.

“Don't say ‘good job,' all right?”

“Okay, but I'm worried.” Exactly what I didn't want him to be right then.

I checked around the room and kept my voice low, reached to ladle out a cup of soup that I had no intention of slurping down. “Why would you possibly be worried?”

“You tell me. Seems like all of a sudden this is hard for you again.” My eyes wandered up to the ceiling. The fluorescent lights reminded me of the gleam in Joshua's eye. I looked around the full room. Any of those people had the ability to betray me. I felt along my clavicle. Certain things I could always count on.

“It's not hard. Really, you know I'd tell you.”

“I guess I'm going to have to just trust you.”

“That shouldn't be so difficult, right?” I kept my voice light and held my tray tightly to keep my hands from shaking.

He smiled down at me. “I love you so much. Now let's go eat lunch with our incredibly amazing lunatic friends.”

Throughout lunch, Addison acted as his best charming self. Hannah glowed with happiness and Sophie and Jared flirted shamelessly. Our table looked just as I'd always imagined fitting in would look like. Crowded with friends. Loud with laughter. But when I looked more closely at Jared, I saw a kid who was too afraid to stand up for himself. And Addison's muscles seemed more menacing than reassuring. I knew even then that Sophie was plotting something. And then there was Hannah, whose belly held its own secret beneath the table. So while I stirred my soup and nibbled at my sandwich, I manufactured my own smiles and tried not to notice that we were all obviously hiding something. And since we'd sat down, no one had mentioned Joshua at all.

 

Sophie and I got to sit together at dinner that night, but our assigned discussion topic was marine preservation. So besides dolphins and manatees, we didn't really get to talk about much. And Jenn Sharpe was there, so we had to keep especially quiet. She kept asking, “Greer, how are you?” She said, “I've barely seen you in the past few weeks,” and then slyly glanced at Coach Tyson, who was discussing the morality of tuna fish. Jenn Sharpe covered my hand with hers and stage-whispered, “You look so frail.”

“Thanks for your concern.”

“Of course. It's not Addison, is it? Because you two just seem perfect together — these two wounded souls who've somehow found each other. So romantic.”

“That's not really romantic,” Sophie stated in her cold, flat way. She looked up at Coach Tyson. “Sir, do canned salmon companies employ the same inhumane netting techniques as those of canned tunas?”

“What's that, Sonia?” Sophie rolled her eyes. Coach Tyson shook his head in confusion. “You mean the large nets that snag dolphins? Hmmm. But they catch salmon in rivers.” He smiled at her indulgently. “There are no dolphins in rivers.”

“That's not necessarily true,” Drew Costa piped up.

“No, that's true. Dolphins live in oceans.” Coach Tyson inspired me to remember the word
doofus
for the first time since the fifth grade.

“No.” Drew searched around the table and then threw up his hands in disgust. “Salmon are not necessarily a freshwater species. They are born in rivers and travel back to give birth in rivers. But they spend a significant amount of their lives in oceans.”

“No one cares,” Sophie announced.

“Sophie!” I said, and then tried to smile an apology at Drew.

“You're the one who asked about salmon,” Drew pointed out.

“I was feigning interest in tonight's discussion topic! The way I've done every goddamn night at this place.”

Coach Tyson began scribbling furiously in his ledger.

“Well, I'm so sorry.” Drew snotted in a way that made it clear he wasn't a bit sorry. “I had no idea it took such an effort to be a first-class phony bitch.”

“Okay, Drew. That's enough.” Coach Tyson spoke sternly and turned to another page in his book. Jenn Sharpe grinned widely, memorizing all the details for that night's breaking blog entry.

But Drew Costa wasn't done. “Doesn't anyone else see how these two prance around, with their self-satisfied little clique? Or are you just not willing to say anything because her boyfriend's one of your gym rats?” Until Drew gestured at me with his fork, I hadn't known he noticed I existed.

“Where is this coming from?” I wasn't even playing up my conflict-resolution skills for Coach Tyson — I sincerely wanted to know.

“Let it go, Greer.” Sophie threw down her napkin and started organizing her tray before bringing it up to the mess. “It doesn't matter.”

“It matters to me.” I faced Drew, who stared at a place somewhere behind my head. “I'm sorry if you felt unwanted or something — if I contributed to that feeling.” He coughed and shook his head. He really wouldn't look at me then. “No, really.” His eyes flicked quickly to my face finally and his expression softened. Just a little.