The Believing Game (29 page)

“That's a generous gesture, Greer.” Coach Tyson nodded thoughtfully at me. “That's the kind of communication we encourage here at McCracken Hill.”

Sophie sighed dramatically. “Look at that, you racked up some good-citizen points. Are you finished pretending to eat for the evening?” She slid her chair back and started digging around in the pile of backpacks we'd all left under the table.

“Sophie, I don't mean to intrude —” Jenn Sharpe intruded. “But you are an extremely angry person.”

“Jenn Sharpe, you can seriously suck it.” With that, Sophie stood up. “And maybe if you could spare a moment from your efforts to improve humanity, could we talk outside please, Greer?” She knocked her chair back to the table with her hip.

“Sure. Okay.” I stood up and stared down at Drew. “See you later.” He just shrugged and I followed Sophie. It seemed like I was always following someone.

She'd already made it partway up the hill. I chased her, but glanced back at the dining hall. Addison would be searching for me soon. This was one night I shouldn't let him go on a Joshua dinner date on his own. “I don't have a lot of time,” I said.

“Yeah? Hot date?”

“I need to go with him to meet Joshua tonight.”

“You told him about Hannah, didn't you?”

“That's ridiculous.”

“It's not. Addison's not so slick, you know.”

“Meaning?”

“C'mon, Greer. Lay off it. I'm not Drew — I'm not going to fall for your crap. Addison was way too friendly at lunch today. And for once, he managed to hold a conversation
without referring to the gospel according to Joshua. Do I need more to convince you?” I said nothing. She practically spit at me, “Why would you tell him that? How am I supposed to trust you?”

I opened my mouth to speak, but it took me a couple of tries. “It just sort of happened,” I admitted miserably.

“Yeah? Maybe you misunderstood, but it was Wes who you were supposed to charm into helping us. You already fucked Addison.”

“Listen! You don't get it. You have no idea what kind of pressure I'm under.”

“Are you kidding me? Seriously, Greer? Are you sure you don't mean the pressure that
we're
under? Because the last I knew, we swore to protect Hannah together. We tracked Joshua together, and we've been talking about finding a way out of this together.”

When I told Sophie, I did so for the same reason I told Addison about Hannah. I see that now. And it worked. I said, “Joshua came here this morning. He confronted me.”

“About Hannah?”

“No way. Addison thinks that's just one of Hannah's misunderstandings — her crazy showing up to town. He made me swear to keep that quiet. Joshua came to talk to me about the rest of it — my attitude.” Sophie looked blank. “He knows that I know. About the hospital.” She rubbed her face with her hand. “I told him that I followed him and that I saw him get in the cab. That I knew he wasn't sick. That he was lying.”

“About everything?”

“We didn't really get into specifics.” I reached out to her. “I kept you out of it. And Hannah. He thinks I got suspicious on my own.”

“Maybe for now, but that won't last long. It puts all of us in danger. Don't you get that? I mean, he's probably plotting something right this minute.”

“I'm really sorry.” I stood there, waiting through her silence.

Finally, Sophie sighed. The storm had passed. “No, you did the best you could. He just showed up?” I nodded. “And you called him a liar?” I shrugged. “Badass,” she called me. I bit my lip. “What did he say?” I blinked, remembering. “Greer?”

“He threatened me.” That's how I phrased it. I could have told Sophie that Joshua reacted angrily. Maybe it would have been more accurate to say he challenged me. But those weren't the words I chose. Instead I told her that Joshua Stern had threatened me.

By the time I sprinted back down the hill, Addison was angry and just about to leave without me. I caught up with him as he headed out of the front gates. “Signed you out already,” he said curtly. “You said you wanted to go tonight. If you changed your mind, you can just go cross your name off in the book.”

I imagined the letters of my full name: Greer Elizabeth Cannon. Then Joshua drawing a line through them with a black Sharpie. “No, of course I want to go. Sorry — Sophie freaked out at Drew Costa at dinner. Damage control.”

“What's her problem with Drew Costa? The kid's brilliant.”

“Yeah, he actually started in on all of us — said we were an elitist clique.” I couldn't remember if Drew had used those exact words, but it sounded like ones he'd say. “Sophie defended us.”

“She seems like she just needs a reason to fight lately.”

A cold feeling spread through my chest. I laced my fingers through Addison's but it felt awkward to walk that way, like the space between us had been filled with secrets. “Sophie's fine. She's just badass.”

“And what's Hannah?” Addison's words hung in the air.

“Hannah's crazy.”

“And you? What are you? Greer, Greer — don't disappear.” He clamped my hand in his. “I feel like there's all this shifting around. Somehow I keep missing the memos.”

“Oh, don't think that. They've just filled this place with so many intense people….” Lame. Classic avoidance. I tried again. “We all love you. No one wants to put any more pressure on you, that's all.”

“Since Joshua's surgery, things have felt — I don't know — crushing. Oppressive. I figured it would feel like a weight had been lifted. But I just have this sinking feeling — like things are about to go all kinds of wrong. Like when you're driving and all of a sudden you realize you're about to spin out of control.”

How could I tell him he was right? How could I tell him without spinning that car too hard, too fast? I had to figure out the way to tell him the truth without the crash. I said, “You've got a handle on everything, though. At least that's how it seems.”

He told me, “I shake all the time. It's hard to sleep.”

He knows,
I thought.
Deep down, something in him knows.

“Maybe —” I started to speak up but ran out of words. It felt as if I had to say it exactly right.

“Maybe what?” But I just shook my head. Waited for the words I needed to surface. We walked, and I watched how our feet fell to the pavement at the same time. I tried again. “You love Joshua. So do I —”

“Don't start, Greer.”

“Just listen. You're telling me all this because you know something's not quite right. So hear me out.” He dropped my hand and quickened his pace. His chin jutted to the right, away from me. But he looked like he was still listening.

“Joshua's illness and treatment don't seem realistic. You can't make sense of it because it doesn't make sense.” He started to interrupt me, but I held up my hand. “You're only going to give me one chance to say all this — at least let me say it.”

Addison's head ducked slightly, an almost imperceptible nod. “I'm not saying he doesn't need us. Or that he doesn't deserve our loyalty.” I almost choked on the last part, but said it anyway. “Maybe somehow Joshua got the idea that he had to be in crisis to ask for our gratitude. If we can show him that's not true —”

“You're saying he's making himself sick?”

“Maybe he's just tired.” Addison turned fully away then, but he let me keep talking. I rushed to keep explaining. “You know how in action movies, some crazy thing happens? Aliens attack or war breaks out and the movie follows some group of people while they struggle to survive. Then the struggle makes them extraordinary. It bonds them. I think Joshua scripted his own version of an action movie, as a way for us to rise to the occasion. Do you understand what I'm getting at?”

“Maybe about some things,” Addison admitted quietly. He was talking about the upcoming Great Vegan Uprising. I felt relief wash over me.
At least,
I thought,
Joshua hasn't driven him completely insane.
All of a sudden, I remembered how surprised I'd been that day we first met, when Addison first spoke up and stunned the room with his smart self. I had underestimated him. For a long time.

I stopped walking then and held his arm. We'd neared the pizza place and I couldn't chance Joshua's overhearing me. “All of us got really close that weekend. I mean, we discussed going to war together. Everyone imagined standing strong
together. And that was an amazing feeling, right?” Addison grimaced. He wouldn't answer me. “But maybe when he thought about coming back to campus, Joshua realized that he couldn't really sustain that. You know, without us actually fighting vegetarians or something.” Addison shook his head. “No, you understand what I'm saying. That fight seemed so real because each of us has been battling something. On our own. And then we all sat in this circle and no matter what he picked as our enemy, it felt so perfect to be united by something. But I think we can admit to each other that Joshua's whole vision about an upcoming war isn't real.” Addison twisted from me but I did my best to hold him tightly. “We can admit that to each other, right?”

He refused to answer. I went on. “Because if we can admit that to each other, maybe we can consider that Joshua thought being sick could work like that too. It could have started as just a little thing. He wasn't feeling well up at the cabin and then the story spun out of his control.” Addison opened his mouth, but I said, “That happens, right? That happens to everyone. But Joshua's a really proud man. And you know — he has nontraditional ideas. So the reality of it could have just slipped through his fingers.” I breathed deeply. “I'm not saying that he meant to cause any harm. I just think he didn't know how else to prove to himself that we loved him.”

Addison looked like he was struggling to breathe. He sank down onto the curb of the street. I glanced down Willowbrook Avenue nervously, checking to see that Joshua wasn't leaning against a lamppost, staring at the two of us. “He knows that I love him.” Addison spoke like the words were strangling him.

“Yeah, he does. He should. But you're getting better. Maybe as happy as that made him, it also scared him.”

“He could be really sick. It would devastate him if he knew we even questioned that. And if he doesn't get better and I wasted time with him overanalyzing it —”

I eyed the street again. And then looked back at Addison. Sometimes it socked me in the gut that he was so beautiful. He had this perfectly straight, proud nose. Lips almost as full as a girl's. In profile, Addison almost made me weep. I couldn't believe that he'd chosen me, that we'd been naked together. Repeatedly. But none of that meant much if I kept the truth from him. Addison deserved honesty. So I had to risk it. “Pig-blood transfusions don't exist. They don't even make sense. The doctors that he won't let us talk to — they don't exist either. Hospitals don't schedule major surgeries at midnight. Or allow texting in operating rooms. And the recovery time for major surgery is never only two days. These are facts, Addison. All verifiable facts. I'm not trying to convince you on my word alone. I just hope you'll think about it. If it was a story you heard in group or something — would it seem believable? You know I support you no matter what.”

That last sentence rung wrong like the lie that it was. Addison looked up at me. His eyes held mine until I amended it with, “As much as I can.”

I reached both my hands out and said a quick prayer that he would take them. He did and hoisted himself off the curb. I almost fell back into the road when he stood. We both looked up toward Sal's. “Well, after all this, pizza might taste a little awkward tonight,” Addison said. Whatever he was thinking was under lockdown, not for me to see.

“That's why I always order the salad,” I told him.

“Maybe this time, you could find a way to eat a slice of pizza. Reassure me after your woefully inadequate day of eating.” I bristled, but Addison hadn't brandished it as a threat. He spoke like he just wanted me to know he'd noticed. And it mattered.

We sat and waited for Joshua in our usual booth. Addison kept digging his cell out of his pocket, touching the screen, and then smiling nervously at me like it was no big deal. The yeasty smell of rising dough plumed from the wall of ovens. I'd decided to eat pizza, so my belly lurched with hunger. Waiting.

“Joshua's not usually late,” I said.

“Nope.” He stared out the window.

“You worried?”

Addison lined up the salt and pepper shakers as if they were fighters facing off. “Not the same kind of worry I've gotten used to recently.” He smiled wanly at me.

I wasn't worried. I was afraid. But as soon as my mind started churning out the scary possibilities, the door jangled and Joshua limped in. His face froze into a shocked smile. But his voice crowed, “Brother Addison!” joyfully. He called out loudly enough that the people who usually shot us puzzled looks shot us those same puzzled looks. “And what a treat for me — you finally allowed this radiant angel to visit me. Elizabeth, my heart complains that Addison has been hiding you from me. You see, I've thirsted for your beauty.” The puzzled looks around us extended into nervous frowns.

Joshua's eyes twinkled as he acknowledged them. “Elizabeth, Sal's patrons are shocked that you would grace us with your presence. But you'd never look down on working-class stiffs like us, would you?” I shook my head warily
and watched an older couple turn, embarrassed, back to their food.

Joshua embraced us both and then taunted, “I know Addison understands how much you value that which is stiff.”

“Unnecessary. Yellow card,” Addison warned lightly. His eyes darted to me. But if Add hadn't reacted, I might not have even caught the stupid innuendo. It took all of my concentration to sit there and calmly face Joshua down.

“I apologize. It's just that it's been so long since I've seen Elizabeth, and so I have to fight for my sense of self-control.” Joshua seemed to relish the dare hidden in that statement. I could argue with him and point out that he'd stopped by school that same morning, but then he might tell Addison why. I smiled at him and remembered Addison's words earlier in the day —
Kill them with kindness.

“Let me go put in our order.” Addison pointed to Joshua. “Spaghetti and meatballs?” And then me: “Cheese slice?”

“Yes, please.”

“Great. Be right back.” Addison trotted to the counter and Joshua lowered himself into the booth.

I moved the salt and pepper shakers back to their original positions and made myself meet his eyes. Joshua didn't say a word, and that made sitting there with him more unnerving. We just faced each other, smiling in a display of false friendliness. “Should I get drinks?” I called out to Addison without looking away.

He skidded over. “No way. Just relax. Besides, you two have a lot to catch up on, right?”

“Right.” Joshua and I spoke equally brightly and at the same time. I laughed. He did not. After Addison brought over our food and settled down next to me, Joshua raised his hands to stop us from digging in.

“Would you indulge me? It's been some time since the three of us have sat together and I feel the need to honor this occasion with a prayer of gratitude.”

“Sure thing, Reverend.” Addison laughed.

“Well, I believe that gratitude is an important concept. Perhaps that seems quaint or old-fashioned to you.” The edge had crept back into Joshua's voice like a knife that had been sharpened.

Addison saw it glinting. “You know that's not true.”

“You both are very attached to this concept of truth. I wonder how that might work out for you, later on in your lives.” Again, Joshua's pronouncement felt like a curse.

“Let's say grace, then.” Addison reached to hold both our hands.

For that one moment, both Joshua and I hesitated. We were supposed to grasp hands — to complete the circle. Addison turned his head expectantly and so I reached out first. Joshua clamped his papery hand around mine. He said, “Elements of the universe, we appeal to you for reminders of our place in this world. We recognize that you have not designed us to judge others, but to defend ourselves from divisive forces who lack generosity and loyalty.” Addison had closed his eyes but Joshua and I continued to stare resolutely at each other. “We thank you for this nourishing food and especially that you have empowered Greer Elizabeth to set her discipline aside and risk taking up more space in the world, in order to experience more of its joys.” I sucked in my breath on that line, and Addison's knee knocked gently against mine beneath the table. Joshua wrapped it up. “Lastly we ask that you punish our enemies. Amen.”

I didn't say amen. Addison sort of whispered it, but
when he released our hands, he held his own up like he was surrendering.

“Kind of an intense grace, brother,” he said.

“You know me to be an intense force.”

“Right.” And then Addison claimed my heart pretty much forever. “I don't think you need to thank the universe every time Greer eats a slice of pizza.”

“No? I apologize. That was my attempt to support your concerns about Greer.” Joshua turned to me to confide, “Addison has shared that the only reservation he has about sharing his life with you stems from your inability to address that weakness.” He paused and looked at Addison. “Surely the two of you have discussed this?”

Addison looked stricken, and Joshua sat back smugly. That might have been the first time I realized that Joshua might not be able to outmanipulate me. I wished hard that Addison would see it too.