The Bell Tolls for No One (4 page)

Later, I heard, she went to Denver to live with a sister.

And the writers keep writing and the artists keep painting but it doesn't mean too much.

I
was always rather indifferent to politics, but before the election, I couldn’t help but see some of the fools while turning toward the race results. Horserace results, I mean. They all said Nixon was in. Which I felt was a little worse than Humphrey, but when Wallace won by a landslide I was as stupefied as the next. And when he was sworn into office, things began to happen. Le May stated that unless the war were won within a month or the enemy surrendered he might have to H-bomb N. Vietnam, maybe China. Maybe Russia. “A man’s got to be a MAN!” he stated. “He’s got to show his guts! Old Teddy Roosevelt knew how to handle bums!” Wallace simply grinned. He grinned simply. “Atta boy, baby!” he said. “Wow!”

They set up machine guns in the black districts and rapidly began solving the housing problem. “I’m not a racist,” said Wallace, “but I figure if a man is poor or black, it’s his own fault.”

Le May grinned, “Yeh.”

Layoffs began everywhere. One man had to do the work of two at half the wages of one man. The relief rolls were closed down, old age pensions terminated. The police force was tripled, new concentration camps and jails were built. At any hour of the day or night you could hear machinegun fire. Blacks were only allowed on the streets between sunup and sundown, and they were restricted to designated areas. An underground product hit the market: WHITEWASH, a white coloring to cover black. A white man’s wig and a bit of WHITEWASH and you had a bit of a better chance. But most Negroes refused to use it. The Mexican and Indian population received similar treatment, though not as harsh.

There were 30 million unemployed and aged wandering the streets. When a man or woman or child fell dead of starvation or were murdered by the police or troops, they had what were called “A” cars—“A” for assholes who didn’t know HOW to survive, baby. The “A” cars patrolled the streets constantly, working something on the order of street sweeper machines. Only instead of sucking up leaves and paper, various trash, the “A” cars sucked up the newly dead bodies of women, children, the aged, and various unfortunate men. “We must keep our cities sanitary,” President Wallace stated. The bodies were burned just like the books in the library. Not all the books in the library were burned, but a good 85 percent. A good 95 percent of paintings and statuary were destroyed as being “decadent to a good American Society.” All editors of left-wing newspapers were tortured before hundreds of thousands of spectators in the baseball and football stadiums of America. And as the editors screamed in their agony, being cut and torn slowly to bits, a record was played over the loudspeakers: GOD BLESS AMERICA! While the torturers said to their victims as they worked: “Remember Hungary! Remember Prague!” And evangelical Baptist ministers stood behind the victims’ heads, dangling huge silver crucifixes before their eyes. No admission was charged, whether the man to be tortured was black or white.

Of course, I had lost my job and was sitting on my last month’s rent. The end was working toward me. They had just finished the demolition of the L.A. County General Hospital so I had no place to go. I had lost 48 pounds, was starving, but still, in a cowardly way, I thought, well, at least almost ALL of my writing has been non-political. I will be allowed to die of starvation instead of being murdered, but like George said, it was my own fault: I just couldn’t play a good game of chess. God protects those who protect themselves. All that shit.

So I was somewhat surprised when the 3 men arrived and showed me their badges. They seated themselves about me.

“Well, Slim, we gotta ask ya some questions.”

“Shoot!” I said.

One of the motherfuckers drew out a gun and leveled it at me, clicking off the safety latch.

“WAIT, MAN! THAT’S JUST AN EXPRESSION!”

“Oh?” he said and put the gun back.

“You’re Charles Bukowski?” the big one asked.

“Yeh.”

“You used to work for that son of a bitch Bryan?”

“Yeh.”

“We’ve gone over your stuff. Mostly sex shit. I kinda liked it. Especially where you stuck your dick up your buddy’s ass because you were drunk and you thought you were in bed with your girl. Did that really happen?”

“Yeh.”

“So we checked out the 192 articles you wrote in 192 weeks and only ONE of them wuz about POLITICS . . .”

“The one on the merits and demerits of Revolution. Yes, I remember it.”

“But we don’t quite understand it. What did it mean?”

“It meant that unless your soul and hand were straight, Revolution was useless—it only meant substituting one kind of Economic Slavery for another. It meant, if you were going to kill somebody make sure you had something at least 5 times as good to replace it with.”

All three of them sat back writing in little notebooks.

“Is Hitler really alive in Argentina?” I asked.

“Uhh, huh,” the big one said. “He’s coming up next month to vacation in Vegas. He keeps asking for postcards of those chorus girls. You know, the last thing to die on an old German is his dick.”

“Yeh?”

“Hey.”

They all put their pencils down and looked at me. They didn’t say anything for 5 minutes. Part of some kind of training they were put through. Finally the big one said, “Mr. Bukowski?”

“Yeh?”

“Would you allow your daughter to marry a nigger?”

“Yeh.”

“WHAT?”

They all leaned a bit forward.

“Oh,” I said, “I mean, it’s all up to
her
. I mean, the kid’s only four. I don’t think she wants to marry anybody yet.”

They stared at me a long time again.

“Did you like the hippies?” (The hippies had long ago been exterminated.)

“Not really. But they never hurt me or bothered me. What more can you ask?”

“Are you for the war in Vietnam?”

“I’ve never been for any war. I wasn’t even for the war against Hitler.”

“Atta boy!” said the middle-sized one, putting his gun back.

Again they sat for a long time, just looking at me.

“Well, I’m afraid we gotta take you in, Bukowski,” the big guy said.

“All right, at least I’ll get some food in jail.”

They all laughed at that.

“No, the new jail system is juz jail them. Don’t feed them. Saves a hellulota money for the state.”

“God bless the State,” I said, “and while He’s at it He might as well bless the
Saturday
Evening Post
.”

“Oh no,” said the big one. “The
Saturday Evening Post
has been burned.”

“Why?” I asked.

“Too left-wing,” said the fat boy.

“Jesus Christ,” I said, “let’s get out of here and get it done with.”

“Before we get you down there and work you over,” said the fat boy, “I just want to let you have one bit of mental unhappiness.”

“Shoot!” I said. “No, I mean, tell me about it.”

They put the bracelets on me. And walked me toward the door. The middle-sized one farted. A sign of happiness.

“Since you are being taken out of circulation, I am free to tell you this.”

He looked at his watch. “We have been careful not to have any leaks, so I can tell you this. A shit like you deserves unhappiness.”

“All right. Let me have it.”

We walked toward the door. Fat boy looked at his watch.

“In exactly 2 hours and 16 minutes Vice President Le-May will push the button that will set a fusillade of Hbombs upon N. Vietnam, China, Russia and other selected spots. What do you think of that?”

“I think it is a tactical mistake,” I said.

Fat boy reached to open the door. As he opened it, a sheet of red and grey and green and purple spread everywhere. There was lightning. And lily slivers. There were teaspoons and half-dogs, ladies stockings, torn cunt, history books, rugs, belts, turtles, teacups, marmalade and spiders flying through the air. I looked around and Fatso was gone and middle-size was gone and the little little shit was gone and the bracelets were broken on my wrists and I was standing in a bathtub and I looked down and I had one ball, a piece of cock, and there were eyes rolling along the ground like ants. Green, brown, blue, yellow, even albino eyes. Fuck. I got out of the tub. Found half a chair. Sat down. I watched my whole left arm shrivel up at once like a piece of burning cellophane.

How you gonna keep ’em down on the farm? Everything gone: Picasso, Shakespeare, Plato, Dante, Rodin, Mozart . . . Jackie Gleason. All the lovely girls. Even the pigs eating any kind of swill, so godly. Even the cops in their tight black pants. Even the cops that I had felt so sorry for, trapped in their nastiness. Life had been good, horrible but good and a few heroes had kept us going. Perhaps wrongly chosen heroes, but what the fuck. The polls had been wrong again—the old Harry Truman shit—Wallace had
won
, sitting in his mountain top hideaway. Spitting out redneck teeth of hatred—2 hours and 16 minutes too late!

Hiroshima was re-named America.

I
was in the
King's Crow Bar
and this guy sitting next to me asked, “You got any place to stay tonight?”

And I said, “Hell, no, I don't have any place to stay.”

“O.K., come with me. My name's Teddy Ralstead.”

So I went with him. That first night I sat in their front room while Teddy and his wife wrestled on the floor. Her dress kept slipping up around her ass and she smiled at me and pulled it down. They wrestled and wrestled and I drank beer.

Teddy's wife's name was Helen. And Teddy wasn't always around. Helen acted like I had known her for years instead of one night.

“You've never tried to fuck me, have you, Bukowski?”

“Teddy's my friend, Helen.”

“Shit! This is your friend too,” she said pulling her dress up. She didn't have any panties on.

“Where's Teddy?” I asked.

“Don't worry about Teddy. He wants you to have me.”

“How do you know?”

“He told me.”

We walked into the bedroom. There was Teddy sitting on a chair, smoking a cigarette. Helen pulled her dress off and climbed onto the bed.

“Go ahead,” said Teddy, “do it.”

“But Teddy, it's your wife.”

“I
know
it's my wife.”

“I mean, look Teddy—”

“I'll give you ten bucks to do it,” he said. “Is it a deal, Bukowski?”

“Ten bucks?”

“That's right.”

I took off my clothes and got on.

“Give her a long ride,” said Teddy. “No quickies.”

“I'll try, but she's got me going.”

“Just think of a stack of horseshit,” said Teddy.

“Yeah, think of a stack of horseshit,” said his wife.

“How tall?” I asked.

“Real tall.
Wide.
Covered with flies,” said Teddy.

“
Thousands
of flies,” said Helen, “all eating shit.”

“Flies are sure strange,” I said.

“Your ass looks funny,” Teddy said to me.

“Yours does too,” I said.

“How does
my
ass look?” asked Helen.

“Please,” I said, “I don't wanna think about your ass or I'm not gonna last.”

“Try singing the National Anthem,” said Helen.

“
Oh, say can you see? By the stars early light? Oh
—”

“What's the matter?” she asked.

“I don't know the words.”

“Say anything that comes to your mind then,” said Helen.

“I'm coming,” I said.

“
What?
” she asked.

“I said, ‘I'm
coming!
' ”

“Oh, my gawd!” she said.

We clutched and kissed, moaning. I climbed off. I wiped off on the sheet and Teddy handed me a ten.

“Next time,” he said, “try to last longer or it's only five bucks.”

“O.K.,” I said.

“Oh, Teddy!” said Helen from the bed.

“What, dear?”

“I
love
you . . . ”

The second night was a bit different. Teddy and his wife had wrestled on the floor. Then Teddy had disappeared. I was drinking beer and watching television. Helen snapped off the TV and stood in front of it.

“Hey—that was a good program, Helen. Why'd you turn it off?”

“You're not much of a man, are you?”

“What do you mean?”

“Did you like that fried chicken tonight?”

“Sure.”

“Do you like my legs, my hips, my breasts?”

“Sure, sure.”

“Do you like the color of my hair? Do you like the way I walk? Do you like my dress?”

“Sure, sure, sure.”

“You're not much of a man, are you?”

“I don't understand.”

“Beat me!”

“
Beat
you? What for?”

“Don't you understand?
Beat
me! Use your belt! Use your hand! Make me cry! Make me
scream!
”

“Look—”

“
Rape me! Hurt me!
”

“Look, Mrs. Ralstead . . . ”

“Oh, for Christ's sake, get going!”

I took off my belt and slapped her across the thigh.

“
Harder
, you fool!”

“Mrs. Ralstead . . . ”

“Be a beast!”

I slammed her across the ass with the buckle. She screamed.

“MORE! MORE!”

I laid the belt to her. All up and down her legs. Then I slapped her and knocked her down, picked her up by the hair.

“Rip my dress!” she said. “Rip my dress to shreds!”

“But Mrs. Ralstead—I
like
your dress.”

“Oh, you fool—
rip
my dress!”

I ripped it straight down the front. Then I kept ripping until she didn't have anything on.

“What do I do now?”

“
Hit
me!
Rape
me!”

I hit her again, picked her up and carried her into the bedroom. Teddy was sitting there smoking a cigarette. Helen was sobbing, crying.

“Beautiful!” said Teddy. “
Beautiful!
”

“You beast!” Helen screamed at me.

“Get her!” said Teddy. “Slam it to her!”

I leaped onto his wife and inserted my penis.

“Make it last,” said Teddy, “no quickies.”

“But she's got me hot,” I shouted.

“Just think about eating shit,” said Teddy.

“Eating shit?”

“Yes,” said Helen, “with the flies still on it.”

“The flies would fly away if I got the shit close to my mouth,” I said.

“Not
these
flies,” said Helen. “These flies are different. You swallow them with the shit.”

“O.K.,” I said.

“No quickies,” said Teddy.

“Little boy blue,” I said, “come blow your horn, the cow's in the meadow, the sheep's in the corn . . . ”

“You haven't learned the National Anthem yet?” asked Teddy.

“No.”

“You're not a very good American, are you Bukowski?”

“I guess I'm not.”

“I've never failed to vote,” said Teddy. “This is a great country.”

“Little Jack Horner,” I said, “sat in a corner, eating a pumpkin pie . . . ”

“And along came a spider and sat down beside her,” said Helen.

“Wait a minute,” said Teddy, “is
that
the way it goes?”

“I don't know,” I said. “Mary had a little lamb and its fleece was white as snow and everywhere that Mary went—I'm coming!”

“What—?” asked Helen.

“I'm coming!”

“Oh, my gawd!” she said.

We clutched and kissed, moaning. I climbed off. I wiped off on the sheet and Teddy handed me a ten.

“Next time,” he said, “try to last a little longer or it's only one buck.”

“O.K., Teddy,” I said.

“Oh, Teddy!” said Helen from the bed.

“What, dear?”

“I love
both
of you . . . ”

The third night we were all sitting watching TV. I got up and walked behind Helen. I grabbed her by the hair and pulled her backwards out of her chair. I fell on her and began kissing her legs. Then I heard Teddy get up and he pulled me off of his wife.

“What's wrong?” I asked. “What's wrong, Teddy?”

“Shut up!” he told me.

He picked Helen up by the hair, then slapped her and knocked her down.

“You whore!” he screamed. “You dirty rotten whore! You filthy whore! You've betrayed me with this man! I've seen it with my own eyes!”

He picked her up, ripped her dress, slapped her. Then he took off his belt and worked her over good.

“Betraying bitch! You rotten bitch! You're a disgrace to all womanhood!” He took a moment to look at me: “And
you,
you bastard, you better get out while you can!”

“But Teddy . . . ”

“I'm warning you, Bukowski.”

He picked Helen up and carried her into the bedroom. I got my coat and walked out, walked down to the
King's Crow Bar
and sat down and had a beer. That Teddy. What the hell kind of friend he turned out to be.