The Berserker and the Pedant (13 page)

Leon dropped Gurken and stumbled a step back. His eyes turned a shade of blue and his veins no longer bulged. "Gaaaah," he yelled, clutching the sides of his head. Gurken grinned and pulled himself to his feet. He walked over to his axe and, bending slightly, picked it up off the ground. "What's the matter, Leon? Did your magic abandon you?"

The three orbs flew off Leon's shoulders, orienting towards Gurken, but before they could act, Gurken planted his axe into Leon's head with a satisfying thunk. Dagaz, the dwarfen rune of completion and ending, glowed green on the axe's head. The orbs fell to the ground. Leon stumbled back, an empty expression on his face, the axe protruding from his head. Blood ran down his face, a mixture of crimson and elven steel. He fell to the ground and his eyes went white.

The three trolls landed in the bottom of the pit, Arthur backed into a corner and held up the orb between them.

"Oho! A secon' helpin'. Ah didn't expect such a treat," said Blod.

"Oh, aye, we shood eat wizurds mo' often, and eat 'em slow," agreed Boan.

"Ahm gonna rip off 'is ahm quick and sup on 'is blud," proclaimed Maro.

"You're going to 'rip off his arm quickly'," said Arthur. "It's an adverb, not an adjective."

"Et's a flat adverb," said Maro, raising a finger. "Take et easy!"

Arthur squinted at Maro and pursed his lips. "Some may subscribe to the antiquated use of 'flat adverbs,' but I most certainly do NOT! Intentoque lux trabem!"

The light from the pit poured into the orb, leaving them momentarily shrouded in darkness. A waterfall of light streamed into the pit from above. The orb began to glow a bright yellow and the trolls cackled with laughter.

"Nawt dis agen," Blod said, rolling his eyes as a beam sprouted from the orb, cutting into his arm. He shrieked as the arm fell off. Elven steel-colored blood leaked from the wound, before the stump healed over. "Oh, no," Blod said. "Dat's a problem." Arthur twirled the beam around Blod's body, which fell into pieces.

Boan and Maro tried to scramble up the side of the pit, but were quickly fricasseed - that is, they were sliced into small pieces and cooked in their own juices. The beam shut off and light returned to the small pit.

"Well, I believe that is the end of those horrid creatures. Flat adverbs, indeed."

Melody rounded the corner, yelling, "Leon! Don't hurt them, they'r- Oh!" Gurken pulled his axe out of Leon's head, spattering bits of steel gray ichor over the ground. He smiled at Melody.

"Milady," Gurken said, touching the axe to his head.

"You… you… you killed Leon? But… how?"

"With an axe," Gurken said matter-of-factly, holding his axe in the air.

"But… he's… he's so fast."

"Nothing a well-timed axe can't handle."

Melody blinked at Gurken, then walked over to Leon. She crouched over Leon and picked up one of his orbs from the ground. She fiddled with the orb a bit, then pointed it at Leon. A red line appeared at the tip of his head, then moved down his body. A jarring "ehhh-ehhhh" emanated from the orb. Melody sighed.

She put a hand to her head. "He's not going to remember any of this. He wasn't scanned since before he came down here." After a moment, she pushed at the orb again and passed the red line over herself.

"Hullo up there!" Arthur's voice rose out of the pit. "Could I trouble anyone for a spot of help?"

Gurken walked to the edge of the cliff and looked down. Arthur was dangling from the orb, which was hovering a few feet below the top of the pit. His feet were spinning, trying to gain purchase on the walls. Gurken reached his axe down, handle first. Arthur grabbed it with one hand and Gurken pulled Arthur and the orb out of the pit.

Arthur saw Melody and blushed fiercely. He tried to cover himself, but the closest he could come was to hold the orb in front of him. He sidestepped over to a bloody patch on the ground where some rags remained of his clothes. They were torn to shreds.

"Take Leon's clothes," Melody suggested. "He won't be needing them." She did not smile.

Relieved, Arthur trotted over to Leon and changed into his clothes. Once he was changed, he turned to Melody and asked, "Where's Pellonia?"

Pellonia came around the bend with a sack draped over her shoulder. She saw Arthur, dropped the sack, and ran over to give him a big hug. She waved Gurken over, and the dwarf ambled over and the three of them squeezed each other tightly. Moog burst out of the bushes and ran over, hugging Melody's leg.

"I got it," Pellonia said. "I got the Orb of Skzd."

"Well done, Pellonia," said Arthur. 

"Well done," Gurken agreed.

"Mooooog," said Moog.

Episode Fourteen

The Berserker and the Cave

"I'm afraid I can't let you keep the Orb of Skzd," Melody said. "I need it."

Gurken, Arthur, Pellonia and Moog broke from their group hug. Pellonia pressed her eyebrows together, looking irritated and thoughtful all at once. Arthur looked at Melody, his fingers running over his orb, clicking a piece back and forth. Moog shrugged. Gurken, well…

"You can't have it," said Gurken.

"I'm sorry that I didn't tell you about it sooner, but… look, this probably sounds ridiculous to you, but the fate of the world depends on my taking that cube."

Gurken furled his eyebrows and shifted his jaw from side to side. Melody was ten feet away; the cube lay in the sack that Pellonia had dropped between them. Fehu, the dwarfen rune of possessions won or earned, seared into the head of Gurken's axe, burning like coals in a dying fire.

"You cannot have it," Gurken said, matter-of-factly.

Melody hesitated, then took a step towards the sack. Gurken growled, raising the axe and leaning towards her. Pellonia started to move, but Melody stopped and retreated a step.

"Enough! Enough, elf-slayer. The cube is yours." She crossed her arms while Gurken, Arthur, Pellonia and Moog walked over to the sack. Pellonia opened the sack, revealing a polished cube of gleaming elven steel about a foot on each side.

"It's bigger than I thought it would be," said Arthur.

"I don't understand why you're surprised, wizard. It's exactly the size it is on the scroll. I thought wizards paid attention to such details," Gurken said.

Arthur pursed his lips.

Moog gingerly reached out, his finger getting closer and closer. When it touched, he jumped behind Arthur, peeking out from between his legs. Nothing happened. Gurken knocked on it with a fist. Still, nothing happened.

Pellonia said, "I think I broke it. It showed you were fighting, so when Melody left, I tried to make it give you more power, but then it just died. Maybe you're already too powerful?"

Melody smiled. "I-," she began.

"Silence, elf!" Gurken said. She stopped smiling.

"You know," said Pellonia. "I'm an elf as well. You don't need to say it with such a sneer in your voice."

"Right. Sorry." Gurken turned back to Melody. "Silence, woman!" Pellonia crossed her arms and glared. Gurken withered under her stare.

"What?" Gurken said. "What should I say?"

"How about something that doesn't insult my race or my gender?" said Pellonia.

Gurken looked apologetic, then turned back to Melody and glared. "Silence, vanquished one!" He looked at Pellonia without turning his head. She nodded. They all looked back at the cube.

"Let me try," Arthur said.

He waved a hand over the cube, and a layer of metal on top turned to liquid and drained into the cube, leaving behind circular metal protrusions and words. Arthur depressed the circular protrusion next to the word "Power." The cube lifted a foot into the air. It hummed and glowed a faint blue from one side as indecipherable words formed at the bottom and moved up the side, disappearing when they reached the top of the cube.

"Woah," Pellonia said. "Now what?"

"I haven't the foggiest," Arthur said. "Given enough time, I'm sure I could figure out what it does."

Melody raised her hand in the air and waved it around. Gurken watched her and raised an eyebrow. 

"I think she wants to say something," Pellonia said.

"Go ahead," said Gurken, flipping his hand open in her direction, "You may speak."

"Thank you. Look, the Orb of Skzd is yours, I won't take it. I promise. But we really need to decide what to do next. The Phage will be here soon, and Leon was a pivotal part of the plan to save this world."

"Why don't we resurrect him?" asked Pellonia.

"He hasn't been scanned since we arrived, so he won't remember anything that's happened. He won't be much help."

"What is this 'scan' of which you speak?" Arthur asked.

"We use an orb to scan your body, and it remembers you exactly as you were when you were last scanned. Then, when you're resurrected, a perfect copy is made. If there's no scan, that's fine as long as your body is more-or-less intact. Leon… well… His head is in no condition…" She trailed off.

Arthur's eyes opened wide. He took out his smaller orb of light and fiddled with it; a red horizontal beam shot out, and he ran it up and down his body. Then he did the same for Pellonia, Gurken and Moog. Gurken rolled the goblin over and after a few moments of intense staring back and forth, Arthur did the goblin too. "Does anyone know where Antic is?" Arthur asked. Everyone shook their head. Arthur sighed and put the orb away.

"Now that that's over," Gurken said. "What was that bit about saving the world?"

"I almost wish I were a centaur again," Arthur said. Gurken, Pellonia, Melody, Arthur, Moog and the goblin stood at the entrance to a cave in the side of a particularly large mountain. A rather rickety fence encircled the opening. After Melody had explained about the invading Phage, they'd followed an elven path through the forest, walking for several days before arriving. 

"Do you know what's better for extended walks?" Arthur asked. "Hooves. Hooves are far superior for walking compared to feet."

Moog raised an eyebrow at Arthur as if to say, "I can arrange that." 

Arthur shook his head.

"Very well, Melody," said Gurken. "We've trusted you this far. Why are we here?"