The Birth Order Book (35 page)

Esau, the powerful older brother, was a rough macho type who spent a lot of time outdoors. Jacob was smoother—in a lot of ways. He hung around the house, was something of a “gentleman of the manor,” and was a gourmet of sorts. He was also his mother’s favorite. When Esau came home famished from one of his hunting trips, Jacob saw his chance. Esau asked for some stew that Jacob had just prepared. With the savory smells filling the room, Jacob decided to put a rather high price on Esau’s snack time: “How about the birth-right in exchange for the stew?” he suggested.

Down through history, the firstborn son of the family would be given privileges above those of his younger brothers. This practice is called
primogeniture
and still goes on today. For example, in countries with monarchies, the oldest succeeds to the throne. In Esau and Jacob’s time, the birth-right meant the firstborn son received a double portion of the inheritance, so when Jacob suggested to Esau that he trade his birthright for a helping of stew, he was obviously offering his brother an outrageously unfair deal.

For a firstborn, ol’ Esau wasn’t exactly strong on thinking things through. To be blunt, he was a bit dense. All he could think of at the moment was his very empty stomach, so he said, “Why not? What good is a birthright if I starve to death?”

Esau was “starving” only in the sense that he had been outdoors burning lots of calories chasing game, so he was
very
hungry. So Jacob ladled him out a bowl of stew and took the birthright in exchange. Later, he completed his role reversal with his not-too-bright big brother when he tricked his blind father, Isaac, into giving him the patriarchal blessing as well.
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In the typical American family, we don’t have role reversal occurring with the secondborn cheating the firstborn out of a birthright. Instead, the younger child can “take over” from the older in areas such as achievement, prestige, assuming responsibility, and pleasing the parents.

Parenting Two Boys Can Mean Fireworks

Rivalry is the most intense when you have a two-child family with two boys. Something else to consider, however, is that while two brothers have no trouble learning how to interact with peers of their own sex, they tend to have little preparation for interaction with the opposite sex. The relationship between Mom and her two sons is critical. She is the one who has to do all of the teaching and modeling as to what women are really all about.

It’s critical for the mother of two boys to use reality discipline firmly and consistently. She should never—and I mean
never
—take any garbage from them. She should never get into power struggles or put herself in a position where the boys can walk on her or be disrespectful to her. Why? Because not only is she representing parenthood and motherhood, but she’s also representing all of womanhood to her two sons. If her two sons learn to walk on her, they’ll learn to walk on their wives later. The recent increase in battered wives is really no surprise, and a lot of it can be traced to how the husband learned to relate to women when he was young.

But let’s look at the two brothers and examine the older brother especially. Typically the older brother is going to identify very much with the establishment (Mom and Dad). He is going to be the standard-bearer, the one who picks up on family values and practices them faithfully. He will probably be the leader, and also the family “sheriff” or “policeman” as far as keeping the younger brother in line. Older brother often finds himself being the protector of baby brother.

Older brother usually gets a kick out of having younger brother follow him, and in this very basic way the older boy learns a lot of practical leadership skills. This is a very basic reason you find more firstborns in leadership positions in adult life.

The secondborn child will be the opposite of the firstborn, particularly if they are less than five years apart and of the same sex.

At the other end of the family, the younger brother is eyeing older brother and deciding which way he will go. Another key principle that seems to apply in most cases is this: the secondborn child will be the opposite of the firstborn, particularly if they are less than five years apart and of the same sex.

The younger child looks the situation over and usually branches off in a different direction. That different direction may still put him in direct rivalry with his older brother. If he is determined to catch up with him and surpass him as far as leadership and achievement are concerned, this can get sticky. For the firstborn boy it can get downright devastating, if a true role reversal happens.

Rivalries are most likely to be heated if the boys are close in age. If there is a three- or four-year spread, the rivalry usually will be less intense, and there will be some good leadership on the part of the firstborn male. Put them eleven months apart, however, and Mom and Dad may really have their hands full.

When two brothers are born close together, there is less chance for the older brother to establish a clear superiority. This can be particularly true when physical size comes into play. Younger brother can pull a complete role reversal on older brother due to a sheer height and weight advantage.

Helping Little Jimmy Deal with Big Mike

One of the most graphic examples of role reversal I ever worked with was 15-year-old Jimmy and his younger brother, Mike, who at age 14 was 6½ inches taller and 45 pounds heavier than his “big” brother. Mike had always been bigger, stronger, and even faster than Jimmy. All this left Jimmy feeling as if life had dealt him a very low blow. And it didn’t help any when Jimmy’s parents cracked down on him much harder than on Mike with all kinds of authoritarian rules. At 15 he had a bedtime of nine o’clock. He received no allowance because he “wasn’t responsible.” His parents claimed they couldn’t trust him and gave him no freedom. Jimmy retaliated by becoming a liar, thief, and possessor of a volatile temper.

Telling the average youngster about to turn 16 that he can’t drive for two more years is sort of like pulling the pin in a grenade and hoping it won’t go off.

When Jimmy was sent to see me, he had been putting holes in the wall, smashing windows, and “borrowing” the family car, even though he wasn’t old enough to drive. When I got the whole story, my first suggestion to the parents was to loosen the tight reins on Jimmy. Bedtime was made more reasonable for a 15-year-old, and he was given an allowance. I also got the parents to modify their ironclad rule on “no driving until you’re 18.” Telling the average youngster about to turn 16 that he can’t drive for two more years is sort of like pulling the pin in a grenade and hoping it won’t go off. No wonder Jimmy had been having trouble with authority figures.

I also helped Jimmy make some progress in dealing with the role-reversal problem by suggesting he stop making so many comparisons between himself and his much larger brother. One thing that also helped was that Mike was a congenial kid who generally liked his older brother and wanted to be like him in some respects. He didn’t try to reverse their roles; it simply happened.

Jimmy tried to take my advice on not making so many comparisons, and while he didn’t completely rid himself of the sting of the role reversal, he made good progress. His bursts of temper subsided. The lying and cheating stopped, and his grades rose from Cs and Ds to As and Bs. The parents were so pleased that not long after he turned 16, he got his driver’s license and particularly enjoyed giving rides to Mike, who was still too young to drive.

Parenting Two Girls Is No Cakewalk

What happens when both children in the two-child family are girls? The basic same-sex rivalry is there, but it probably isn’t as intense.

In a two-girl family, I believe the father is a key figure. Realize, Dad, that the girls are vying for your individual attention. Try to give each daughter as much one-on-one time as you can. In recent years, a lot has been made out of “family time”—those times when everyone goes out together for ice cream or to see a movie. While family times are a great idea, they will never replace times when a daughter can have Mom or Dad to herself.

While family times are a great idea, they will never replace times when a daughter can have Mom or Dad to herself.

Parents sometimes wonder if granting their children lots of one-on-one time actually caters to their selfishness. I say absolutely not. In most families, one-on-one time just isn’t that plentiful, and when you do spend it, you build the child’s self-esteem and sense of individual worth.

That’s why Holly’s remark while we were out to dinner (“This is how it was supposed to be!”) was significant as well as amusing. While growing up, Holly always wanted more times when she could have Sande or me to herself, and so did Krissy, for that matter. I can clearly remember trying to work on a book through the evening and getting invitations from my first- and secondborn daughters:

From Holly: “Please come to my room to talk.”

From Krissy: “Can I sleep on the floor in your bedroom tonight?”

Whenever these invites came, I did my best to honor them and spend one-on-one time with each child. Holly, in particular, often vied for my attention as she and Krissy grew up, trying her best to maintain her firstborn position of superiority, even when she really wasn’t that superior.

While Holly has many talents and abilities, singing is not one of them. Monotone would not quite describe her voice. Nonetheless, when Holly was about 9, Krissy 7½, and Kevin 4, they loved to put on shows for us. One of their favorites was their own Tucson production of
Annie
. Following Holly’s explicit instructions, Krissy introduced Holly with great fan-fare: “Here she is, our one and only Annie!”

And then Holly would dance onto the stage (the front of our living room) and sing “Tomorrow.” Oh yes, Kevin’s part? He crawled around on the floor playing Sandy, the dog.

My wife and I always marveled that while playing a dog, Kevin didn’t howl a bit as Holly sang. Holly’s rendition of “Tomorrow” always made you wish it was
yesterday
.

Krissy, of course, could sing like a bird and still does, but she never got to play the part of Annie. Her big sister saw to that because she didn’t want that little intruder who dethroned her in the first place to get the starring role. It was hard enough having a little sister breathing down her neck and threatening her place as firstborn.

And so the competition went on all through the girls’ child-hood. They would play Marco Polo in our pool, and I would constantly catch Holly stretching the rules. In this game, one child yells, “Marco!” and the other child yells back, “Polo!” The rules are that both have to be in the water, and both have to have their eyes shut.

As Holly and Krissy would play, Krissy would dutifully keep her eyes shut while she hollered, “Marco!” When it was Holly’s turn, she’d yell “Marco!” then peek and easily find Krissy when she answered with “Polo!” Other times, Holly would stand up outside the pool with just a
toe
in the water (and therefore was technically in the water) so she could easily spot Krissy.

Now why would Holly—the firstborn stickler for rules— fudge on the rules? The answer’s simple. Eighteen months behind her came these footsteps, and she always felt Krissy breathing down her neck, so she had to win. If that meant stretching the rules, then so be it.

Krissy was no pansy. She wasn’t the “poor little girl” who constantly had to take abuse from her big sister. She could give as good as she got.

Of course Krissy had not just fallen off the turnip truck. She often knew she’d been had. She’d retreat to the side of the pool and sit there with her little jaw jutting out, eyes narrowed, and arms akimbo—a pose well calculated to bring Daddy over and have him ask, “What’s the matter?”

“Holly fudged!” she would say vehemently.

Back then I’d respond with sympathy for Krissy and admonitions for Holly. Now, in retrospect, I can see that Krissy was no pansy. She was as stubborn as a mule and as strong and quick as one of the little mustangs we have here in the Arizona desert. She wasn’t the “poor little girl” who constantly had to take abuse from her big sister. She could give as good as she got. Now when I catch them arguing over something, I just smile and say, “You deserve each other.”

A Boy for You, a Girl for Me

Rivalry between a boy and a girl is usually much less intense if it exists at all. Let’s look, for example, at an older brother/younger sister combination. Three-year-old Bryan went through a mild dethronement crisis when little Megan came home from the hospital, but he soon realized Megan was a girl and not a serious threat to taking over his turf.

Little guys like Bryan seem to have a natural instinct about this. They are also very aware that they get different toys, different clothes, and so on. In most cases, the competition between a boy and his younger sister is not that strong. In fact, a firstborn boy and secondborn girl can often develop a close emotional bond.

In this kind of combination, little sister usually grows up to be super feminine. She has Mommy and Daddy and also her big brother all waiting on her, interceding for her, caring for her. This can make for a fairly peaceful family while the two children are growing up, but it can cause trouble for younger sister later if she becomes too helpless and dependent on men. When this kind of woman gets married, she often winds up disillusioned and an excellent candidate for the classic seven-year marriage.

Three-year-old Bryan went through a mild dethronement crisis when little Megan came home from the hospital, but he soon realized Megan was a girl and not a serious threat to taking over his turf.

The helpless dependent woman runs the risk of marrying a controller. I haven’t had many wives come to me for counseling over the years—in fact, the exact count is zero—who have said, “You know what I love about my husband the most? It’s his controlling nature.”