The Body Language Rules (11 page)

effort and you do need to ask yourself why someone

would go to all that trouble unless it was with the

intention of deceiving .

WInkIng This is a schematic gesture--that is, a more stylized gesture than the mimic gesture--which has been vilified of late by the antisexist lobby . I think a lot depends on where you were brought up . In London we use the wink as a friend signal, not a mating signal . It's employed as a tie-sign, which means a way of sending quite complex messages to someone in a simple signal . It's a sign of like-mindedness 144 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

or a sign of sharing a joke . Sometimes it signals that the winker is just joking about something . As such I think the wink is one of the most attractive gestures in the human repertoire . But then I'm a Londoner . In practical terms it can be seen as sexual harassment in the workplace, which is a real pity .

key PoinTs:

� Remember, you need to be aware of your facial signals--you're

on the wrong side of your eyeballs to monitor them all the time but

that doesn't mean they're of low importance .

� Use your facial expression workouts to create good expressions like

happiness, a polite smile, and listening or concern .

� Keep your smile in your eyes--this is more important than the

smile on your mouth .

� Remember, even the way you blink can affect people's perception

of you .

T ouCh

T

ouch is one of the most significant and powerful

body language signals there is . Its power gets lost in the photographs I analyze for magazines and in many ways you do have to experience it for yourself to get the full effect . Even the smallest touch will create a feeling bordering on embarrassment and even distress . Ever sit on a train and find yourself cramped into a small space to avoid accidentally touching the foot of the stranger opposite you? Or did you ever go out socially and find yourself blown away when someone lightly touched your arm or your hair while they were talking to you?

Touch is so important we have to set social rules around the use of it . If a colleague is especially stressed or emotional, we might pat them lightly on the shoulder or arm to show support, but anything else could even be construed as sexual harassment . 146 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

Social touch might seem more relaxed but there are still strict boundaries, possibly even with a sexual partner .

Just to make life more difficult, touch "rules" aren't global . There are cultural differences around the world, often with people from warmer climates being slightly more tactile that those from colder climates . Even in our own family environment touch can be self-regulatory . I once worked with three sisters who existed with different touch rules . Two of them were very tactile but they were always more formal with the third, even though their affection was equal .

Most of your touch experience will have been estab- lished in your family unit, possibly long before you can remember . New touch is usually created for sex, although you might use levels of tested touch to signal stages of friendship with new friends or business associates .

Even your greeting rituals will be worked on a touch-test basis, which is probably subconscious . For instance, you might meet a group of people, only two of whom you have met before and one of whom you're very friendly with . As introductions are made you could perform very formal handshakes with the rest of the group but add a slight squeeze or an extra shake for the person you know . For the person you know well you might use your free hand to add a pat or to use in the shake . T O U ch 147

TouCh TesTing Touch testing means the rituals of touch and check that we use when we start a new relationship . With friends or colleagues it will probably end at the cheek kiss or hug, but with a potential mate it could end with sex .

Successful touch testing means touching, then checking and waiting for the touch to be reciprocated or receiving a signal of approval . To be good at touch testing, either sexual or social, you need to develop your skills of perception . If you instigate touch, always watch to see the response . Never proceed or go further until you have a green light, either from a smile or a reciprocated touch . One of the worst social or business horrors is the "tactile" person with no sense of appropriateness, just a desire to get closer!

TIe-SIgnS These are signal touches (or glances) that people use to throw nonverbal messages across to one another . The better the people involved know one another, the smaller the touch, but the bigger the meaning relayed . Long-term couples can transmit massive amounts of information with a small pat, nudge, or squeeze of the hand . 148 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

PATTIng Patting is commonly used as a touch version of "no" or "stop ." When people hug, often one will start patting to signal a desire to break .

Patting a child is not the same as patting an adult . What is a signal of affection for one becomes a signal of power for the other, and power patting is used extensively among world leaders to keep one another in place .

The FORgOTTen ART OF ShAkIng hAnDS A good handshake is vital on formal social occasions, as well as in business . It reveals a lot of telling information about you in a very small space of time via the power of touch .

Remember that in simian psychology the sticking out of the hand is a gesture of accepted vulnerability . It's like a signal of submission, used to end conflict and create bonds . An ape will be offering its hand to be bitten off by the dominant ape . You don't need to take things this far, but using your handshake as a signal of power or dominance is clearly silly . It's performed to introduce less conflict and more rapport .

Do you give good shake? Most people think they do, but most people also think others' handshakes are often lousy . This contradiction suggests we're not as good as we think . It's rare for anyone to be taught to shake, yet it's such a vital form of communication and you'll fall at the T O U ch 149

first hurdle if your shake is a shocker . Here's how to shake hands well:

I Who shakes hands in business? Everyone, apart from

those with cultural differences . This isn't only

a sport for men . I still meet business people who

suspect it might be a guy thing, though .

I Who extends their hand first in business or social greetings?

The host . Period . It matters not who is higher or

lower status . If you're a servant greeting God you

still put your hand out first .

I To create seamless shaking choreography, always extend your

hand from a distance of about six feet . This is what's called

an intentional gesture and warns the other person

what's coming .

I When you walk into a room or an office, always make sure your

bag or anything else you're carrying is in your left hand so your

right is free to shake with . Transferring paperwork and

mobiles at the last minute is not a good look and

lets everyone know you weren't expecting to get a

greeting .

I Use names and introductions as you shake, plus eye contact and

a smile .

I keep the hands just below waist level as you shake .

I make sure your own hand is dry and cool . If you suffer with

sweaty hands, use freshen-up wipes in the restroom

before you make your entrance . 150 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I never be seen wiping your hand before you offer it . This

looks disgusting .

I Or after you've shaken, which implies you want to remove all

traces of the other person's hand from your own, signaling

revulsion .

I Palm must touch against palm . Offering just your fingers

is foul . Put your hand out in the vertical position .

Extending it horizontally is a relic from the past

that comes under the heading "power pumping ."

Getting your hand on top in the shake doesn't

make you alpha, it makes you a nerd .

I Shake up and down about three times .

Remember, handshaking is about the only form of touch permissible in business, so make the most of it by showing enthusiasm . Never back away as you shake or offer a limp hand that feels like a dead fish .

However, avoid the cruncher, too . Think firm but not crushing . Apathy shows weakness but too much enthu- siasm can be just as bad if it includes the use of pain to make your point .

Greeting rituals are full of hidden meaning . Any added touch, patting, or prolonged shaking will all register subliminal signals about closeness, enmity, status, and so on . Shaking and adding an arm-pat below elbow level will register you're extra pleased to see the other person . T O U ch 151

Patting above elbow level creeps into the power-pat remit, looking like a friendly attempt to register control . Higher pats will signal a more obvious show of the same . Grabbing the one hand in two of your own is known as the hand-sandwich . This is also ultra friendly on the surface, but it renders the victim helpless by trapping him or her, so it can have sinister overtones . It must seem sponta- neous otherwise it will appear cheesy in the extreme . It's also useful to vary your shake in a group where you have mixed experience . I was recently introduced to some strangers at work, but in the group there was one guy I knew slightly and another I knew very well . To offer the same rather formal shake all around would have looked odd, so I added an extra squeeze or arm-touch to the two I already knew .

BOWIng Do you bow? You probably think not . Bowing sounds �ber formal and rather outdated, the kind of thing you'd be asked to do if you were introduced to a royal . Bowing is a very important facet of Asian greetings, with the amount and depth of the bow signifying status and importance . I bet you also bow on a regular basis, but without realizing it .

When we meet and greet there's often a tendency to offer a mini bow, that is, a slight dipping of the head or leaning forward to diminish height . Where the bow is 152 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

exaggerated it will register strong compliance, especially if the face is lowered, but often it will be performed in an attempt to look charming . In business, the bow can also look cynical . Women are often shorter than guys, and by dipping their height as they're introduced, men can emphasize the woman's lack of inches while still managing to look gallant . However, it's probably better not to . A more obvious version of the bow intended as gallantry would be the back-of-hand kiss . While he was in office, President Jacques Chirac of France was a serial hand- kisser, but the gesture always teetered between charming and chauvinist . It was horrible to watch female heads of state forced to blush prettily as he did it . He famously did not give British politician Margaret Beckett a hand kiss once and it had to make you wonder why .

hUggIng The greeting hug has become a common ritual of bonding and friendship . In many ways this gesture is an anomaly . The torso closeness is a gesture we'd normally associate with the tightest of physical or emotional bonds and yet it's almost more common between vague business acquain- tances than it is with social friends, lovers, and relatives .

The business hug is all about power, not affection, although it has a dual purpose, making the huggers look amiable at the same time . Think of other physical sports T O U ch 153

like wrestling and you'll get a clearer idea of the point of the hug . This is generally a male thing, although business- women have been known to indulge . Women are often mindful of breasts, though, and so tend to place a hand on one another's shoulders to avoid bosom contact . Men work in the opposite way: the chests are crushed together but the genitals kept as far apart as possible .

Men also have ways of emphasizing their heterosexuality while performing what could be seen as a sexual gesture . By patting one another on the back, often quite brutally, they show off their testosterone in case anyone should get the "wrong" idea . The pat or back-slap has another very basic function: it's a signal to break the hold . Whoever pats first can therefore be seen to be either dominant or reluctant .

The AIR-kISS This once rather arch and camp greeting ritual has now entered mainstream business society and is used exten- sively, not just by women . There's a jolly sense of irony about the gesture that means it will often be mocked even as it's being performed . This mockery is evident in the mutual laughter and exaggerated "mwa mwa" noises that mimic the act of kissing .

Why the joviality? To an outsider this has to be one hell of a complex ritual, but to those in the know it's quite simple . Straightforward cheek kissing can be very sweet, 154 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

but the overdone type is making a shared joke of the whole process . It's making a joke out of the baroqueness of it all .

Air kissing comes with no set of etiquette rules regarding how many kisses and which cheek to go for, so it's up to you to take control . Place your hands lightly upon your visitor's shoulders to steer them . Put your right cheek to theirs first, then go for the other side . Then end .

POWeR PATTIng These are small signals we send to one another via touch or possibly glance that--despite their apparently fleeting and innocuous nature--are full of meaning .

Did you ever get patted by your mom or your partner? How about that moment when you're just agreeing to that fourth glass of wine at a party or launching into that very long joke? You receive a gentle arm touch to start with, which is a kind of amber warning light . Then follows the two swift, sharp pats or taps that have a much more sinister meaning . What do those taps mean? Divorce . Soon . If you don't shut up and get me home .

Being patted as a child was different . In those days it registered approval or parental pride . As an adult in business, though, getting patted is a whole different ball game . A once friendly gesture from your parents is a much different thing when you're working, as it places T O U ch 155

the patter into the higher status role, where they feel it's their right to offer approval for something you've said or done . Patting during a greeting ritual is riddled with silent and subtle signals . Ignorance is no excuse, so here's a swift guide to the messages you'll be sending out .

I hand patting: only for hospital visits .

I Wrist to elbow arm patting: suggests the person you're greeting

is elderly or frail .

I elbow to shoulder patting: macho and friendly, jovial, implies

you have an extracurricular shared interest like playing golf .

I Shoulder patting on the side of the shoulder: much more of a

physical attack, like trying to disarm your enemy .

I Top of shoulder patting: a physical attempt to hold your visitor

down or restrain him or her . A blatant attempt to raise

your status while lowering theirs .

I Back patting: �ber parental and therefore a put-down . Implies

the visitor is in need of your approval .

I head or cheek patting: only try this one if you're into martial

arts . This implies your visitor is severely mentally

damaged . Or it will signal you're having an affair .

I Butt patting: don't even think about it .

hOW nOT TO LeAk Giving a good greeting isn't the hardest thing to do in terms of choreography, but emotionally it's more challenging than you think . It's unnatural for animals to 156 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S