The Body Language Rules (14 page)

Merely displaying an ability to move to the beat of the music is often sufficient to impress as it suggests passable choreography and an ability to tune into external rhythms, which is why many young women's hearts sank when they saw Prince William clapping woefully out of time at the concert for Princess Diana . Hopefully there was a delay on the timing between the music being played and the image hitting the screen, although that wouldn't explain how Harry and the rest of the royal box seemed able to keep to the beat we were hearing at home .

hOW TO kISS We all know how to kiss, don't we? Yeah, right! This section is ostensibly for first-time kissers, but please feel free to show it to your partner of twenty years if appro- priate, because it's never too late to learn . D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 183

There are several ways to do a good kiss . Some ways are nice and others are downright X-rated . Good kissing can be more difficult than actual penetrative sex . At least once you're having sex there's not too much in the way of subtlety to worry about, but the mouth and tongue are full of more sensitive nerve endings, as well as the minefield that is the teeth, and because the mouth is part of the face and close to the ears and eyes your kissing technique will be more important as it can be very closely monitored .

The TiP-Toe kiss This can be performed as part of the build-up to the real thing but it can also work by itself too . It's the least sexual- looking kiss but that doesn't mean it won't be a turn-on .

What it is: It's the gentlest of kisses because you only really brush lips together . It's fluttery rather than a full-on assault .

Why it's nice: It's very very flirty and can be extremely exciting, in a "less is more" kind of a way .

How you do it: There should be some body contact to ensure perfect steerage as this kiss is especially hard to execute with no other touch . A hand to the chin or shoulders will do, then you pucker up very slightly but with no tightness or tension in the lips, which should be barely parted . Tilt your head gently to your right, close 184 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

your eyes, and do a series of very small kisses across your partner's lips . It's more of a nibble than a kissing movement, although needless to say no teeth are involved .

The guPPy kiss What it is: This kiss is popular with celebrities wanting to do a chaste-looking kiss for the cameras . It's a fun kiss that says as much about your shared sense of humor and confident sexuality as anything else .

Why it's nice: There's something essentially childlike about this kiss because it resembles the type of kiss very tiny kids will do when they're pushed together by adults and told to be nice .

How you do it: There should be no other bodily contact because that would spoil the joke . This kiss requires you to lean forward together with your lips fully puckered and meet square on, without tilting your head or closing your eyes .

The RegulAR kiss What it is: It's good to know a regular-order kiss that will be acceptable to both parties . This is the middle ground as far as kissing is concerned--nice, sexy, but not too daring . A good first-date kiss .

Why it's nice: In kissing terms this is like the missionary position and you'll need to perfect it before you move on to anything more advanced . When someone's described D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 185

as a good kisser it's usually this type of kiss they're known for, rather than anything more acrobatic .

How you do it: You'll need close proximity and lots of bodily touch, at least arms around one another or sitting side by side . The signal for this kiss will be close heads and matching eye contact--if your partner looks away, then abort the mission because he or she's not interested . This kiss is all about someone taking the lead, though . If it's up to you, you should pause slightly with the eye-gaze . This is a difficult piece of body language to sustain, so your partner should be almost relieved when you stop gazing and start kissing .

Soften your eye expression as you move in for the kiss and tilt your head to your right a little . It's easier to kiss upward than it is to kiss downward so if you're a guy you could bend a little so your chin can be lifted . Not too far though, or she'll think you're shrinking . A slight jut of the lower lip as you come close aids direction and looks terribly sexy . Don't bare bottom teeth, though, or you'll look more like a werewolf .

The first kiss should be quite light and exploratory . Then you can increase the pressure while closing your eyes and pushing your torsos closer together . Your lips should part and turn clockwise slightly so your mouths join properly . At this point it would be okay to place one hand on the back of your partner's head, but don't 186 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

make it feel like a restraining gesture, just a light affec- tionate touch .

The best time to break is when the saliva becomes too unmanageable, which can be quite early on if you're inexperienced . Your mouths might make a noise as you kiss, which is okay, but you should never make a feature of it as it can be a turnoff if it gets too excessive . For this reason never suck as you kiss .

Clunking teeth is horrible but hard to avoid if you're new to kissing or a new couple . If it happens, back off a little bit until it's just lips again .

This type of kissing usually falls into the kiss-break-kiss- break pattern . If this happens, make sure you do your lighter kiss first each time before you go for the full-on kiss .

fRenCh kissing What it is: It's pretty much the same as the regular kiss, except your tongue joins in, too .

Why it's nice: It's a more intense form of kissing and therefore sexier because it mimics the actual act of sexual penetration . By using your tongue you get many more sensations, too .

How you do it: Go through all the steps in the regular kiss, but instead of breaking apart for small pauses, get even closer and more intense and gently poke your tongue into your partner's mouth . Like the exploratory D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 187

smaller kiss this needs to be done subtly to start with if you want to be known for your good technique . A large tongue suddenly appearing in your open mouth can be an alarming experience but a tongue that waits for the go-ahead is usually more than acceptable .

Your tongue doesn't have a well-defined role once it is in the other mouth, so don't busy it licking around teeth or doing flicking things like a snake . However, neither should it just lie there in the other person's mouth like a large slug taking a rest . Keep it moving in small, relaxed licking strokes . And remember the saliva rule--once you're welling up, it's time to break .

The RomAnTiC kiss What it is: This kiss is mostly about the foreplay . Imagine you're going for the regular or the French kiss . Before you lock mouths you signal deep affection or love by adding some deft touches with your hands and eye contact .

Why it's nice: This is the type of kiss that can make a girl go weak at the knees--literally . It turns a kiss that could just mean lust into a meaningful kiss that could mean love . This is a delayed gratification kiss that suggests you're after your partner's mind and soul as well as his or her body . But be warned: if you do this kiss every time you meet a new partner you could easily be labeled a love rat . 188 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

How you do it: As you get close enough to kiss take a meaningful pause . Gaze deeply into his or her eyes and run a knuckle gently down the side of his or her face . This should be the index finger, bent into a crooked position, with the outside edge of the first joint used to do the touching . This gesture will signal you're amazed by them . Pause again and then cup your partner's face in both your hands, shrug your shoulders up together, tilt your head to your right, close your eyes, and go straight for the deep, passionate kiss . There's no need for the reconnaissance mini kisses with this kiss, as by holding his or her head in your hands you'll know you're on target without having to check .

The nose kiss What it is: It's when the guy bends to plant a very delicate kiss on the tip of his girl's nose .

Why it's nice: It's good for two reasons: a) it's cute, and b) it doesn't mess up the lip gloss . It only really works if the girl's happy to be seen as a fluffy little bunnykins, but if that's cool, go for it .

How you do it: First you'll need to be considerably taller than your girlfriend and secondly you'll have to engage her full attention but without signaling that you want to kiss properly, otherwise she'll tilt her head up and the moment will be lost . The kiss needs to be light so D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 189

you'll have to pucker . If you don't pucker you'll imply her nose is huge . David Beckham has famously used this nose kiss with his wife and it usually leaves other women going "aww" but without knowing exactly why .

The fACe full of kisses What it is: The guy plants small kisses all over the girl's face .

Why it's nice: It's a rather old-fashioned and slightly chauvinistic kiss, but there's nothing wrong with the odd touch of machismo in the bedroom .

How you do it: Never perform this kiss if a woman's wearing carefully applied or heavy makeup . Take her face in your hands, regard her beauty for a moment or two, then begin to plant small kisses across her face, starting with her forehead . Your lips should be lightly puckered but soft .

hOW TO hOLD hAnDS Hand-holding is important to a relationship as it tends to chart the stage a couple is at and their emotional and status compatibilities, plus the state of their communication . 190 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

This is the classic form of hand-holding, implying a strong bond and

a youthful approach to the relationship . The person with his or her

hand on top in the clasp is usually the more dominant partner . The

hands should be clasped firmly to imply sexual closeness . If the

fingers are linked or entwined there's an even stronger desire to be

seen as one unit .

This kind of hand-holding is a signature pose from the likes of the

Beckhams . Although it places the male firmly in the dominant position,

doing the leading, steering, and protecting, it also creates something

of a diva image for the female, making her look like the star while he

takes on the role of bodyguard . D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 191

This is a much more traditional power-balance, with the guy in the dominant role while the woman becomes compliant to make the pose work .

This displays a huge status discrepancy . The guy's pose is independent and macho and the girl has to make all the running to create the impression they're a couple . This suggests selfishness from the guy and submissiveness from the girl . 192 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

This is a difficult pose to carry off and walk at the same time, so

the couple will register they're very much in tune and physically

comfortable with one another . There's a large amount of status

equality in this pose, suggesting they both like to protect the

other's back .

This pose will only work if the guy's much taller . It's an easy-going

pose but with the guy stamping ownership on to his woman . If his

shoulder hand is clutching her he's fiercely proud and protective, but

if his hand is just draped as though he's using her to prop up his arm,

he's probably self-centered and a bit of a love rat . D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 193

This is the "my hero" pose, possessive and proud, with the woman

lowering her own status to the rank of a fan in an attempt to boost

her guy's standing .

OWneRShIP SIgnALS All couples have a way of beaming out their ownership signals . A possessive personality can often force these signals, causing discomfort to the other partner . Healthy ownership signals need to be evenly balanced and agreed, rather than enforced .

I grooming gestures . These strike genuine fear into the

hearts of most men . It's that moment the woman picks

a hair or piece of lint off his jacket or jeans, or rubs a

mark off his face or smooths his hair down for him .

Even the smallest grooming gesture will promote the

idea to the rest of the room that you're taken . It's hugely

possessive and will cause panic in the groomee .

I Tie-signs . These subtle body language signals are

almost invisible to the naked eye but they're the 194 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

way that a couple communicates when they're not

using words . Tie-signs are an important part of any

close relationship, but they're so instinctive and

so subtle that often the couple aren't consciously

aware they're using them .

A tie-sign can take several different forms: it can be a glance, a fast or slow blink, a mouth gesture (like pulling the lips in to register disapproval), a narrowing or widening of the eyes, a head-tilt or nod, or a touch, tap, or stroke . Tie-signs are examples of communication in a relationship and when one person in the couple begins to ignore them you can bet good money the relationship is in trouble .

Negative tie-signs tend to be verbal . These are less agreed as signals and tend to have a lower hit rate . This always leads to arguments over misunderstandings, as in: "When you asked if I was okay you should have known I wasn't by the tone of my voice" or "I know I said I didn't want a birthday present but you should have been able to tell I didn't mean it ."

hOW TO TeLL IF yOUR PARTneR IS LyIng You know already--you know you do--it's probably just that it's often easier to collude with or believe the lie, or at least airbrush it away . D A TI n g An D mAT I n g 195

How do you know? Subconsciously and subliminally you'll have noticed subtle changes in your partner's body language and behavior . The longer you've been together the more accurately you'll be able to spot these changes . This assumes, however, that your partner has been honest with you for most of your relationship . If they've been a compulsive liar from the start you could have more trouble spotting fluctuations, quite simply because there aren't any .