The Body Language Rules (16 page)

First there are a few things you need to keep in mind about his or her family and friends' thoughts toward you . They have history with this person you've fallen for . Many of the family and friends group will see you as a rival . One of their key concerns will be that you might dominate and change your new partner . They also know that they're being saddled with you through no choice of their own . You're looking at what is probably a very tight-knit group that has formed over a very long span of time and you're about to penetrate it . If you don't, they might lose one of their group members .

This is why some form of grovel display is vital, but at the same time you don't want to look as though you're "not good enough" for your partner .

TiPs foR inTegRATing wiTh fAmily oR fRiends

I Ask to see photos of all the key players before you meet them .

I Find out who the alphas are in the group . Who is the lead

relative or who is the pack leader among the

friends? They're the only ones you really need to

impress .

I never take a gift on first meeting . It will look as though

you're trying to buy your way in . Or get your partner

to give the gift instead .

I Dress marginally more formally than the group you're meeting .

It shows respect . D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 215

I Use limited ingratiation or submission signals . When you

first walk in keep an upright posture, but apply

a really winning smile (see the smile advice in

chapter 7) . I Perform a very small "bow" when you greet each person . This

is symbolic bowing rather than the formal type and

will involve dropping your torso slightly or dipping

your head very subtly (see chapter 8) . I Allow yourself to display a maximum of two signs of nerves or

shyness . This will signal respect . I Use good eye contact . It will be your best intentional

gesture, looking as though you're keen to get to

know each person . I Play "Follow my Leader ." Never push the group behavior

during the first few meetings . If they look miserable,

keep it like that; don't try to get them laughing by

telling your worst jokes . If they seem prudish or

formal, don't swear or make risqu� comments . If

they're lighthearted, don't start fishing for more

in-depth conversations . You're the interloper

and as such you should never seek to change the

dynamics . Use mirroring and postural echo with

the people you're trying to impress . I Don't show off in an attempt to impress . I keep affection and sex signals completely toned down . Just

opt for the Look of Love--that is, face softening . 216 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

I never flirt with an in-law . It might flatter the parent

but your partner will be appalled, even if it's done

in fun .

I never insult your partner . Not even if the others are

teasing . This is a rite of passage--they're flexing

their ownership muscles to see how you respond .

If you join in, you'll display disloyalty . However, if

you stand up for your mate you could alienate the

rest of the group . Play it right down the middle .

Smile politely, face-check your partner to see how

he or she is doing, and say nothing .

I Ditto when the baby pictures come out . This is a rite of

passage with most people's parents . Smile and say

how cute he or she looks . Throw a wink at your

partner when no one else is looking .

I never whisper to your partner or do eye tie-signs in front of

friends and family . This signals a private conversation

and will imply you're trying to take him or her away

from them .

As you leave from your first meeting, you need to hope that your exit salutations are less formal than those you did on arrival . This is where you'll be hoping for a hug or extra arm-squeeze that lets you know you've been accepted . Even if you get them, though, take nothing for granted . Friends and family could just be performing these in a bid to impress their offspring or friend . They D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 217

might know you're possibly in for the long haul and that if they declare war at this stage they'll look mean-spirited . If your in-laws seem especially poisonous, you should also remember that the more fulsome their hugs and signals of affection the more they're going to talking badly about you once you're gone .

Although it should be natural for a person to want to mate with someone who will integrate into their own family unit, you could find out that you're dating a "Mommy-shocker" rather than a "Mommy-pleaser ." This will mean that your character and appearance have appealed to your partner for the very reason that their parents won't approve . Sometimes you'll have no warning of this and be blissfully unaware until you meet the parents, at which point you'll be amazed to discover they're not also goths or hippies and have no great liking for recre- ational drugs . If this happens, there is probably very little point in trying to integrate with them as that's not what you're there for . You've been selected as a tool of revenge for all those humiliations your partner had growing up, and it's up to you if you want to be used in this way or if you'd rather take yourself off to a relationship that is less Oedipal .

how To do weddings And PARTies Hell should freeze over before you allow yourself to get drunk at any social event organized by your partner's 218 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

friends or family . Being "the outsider" is a role that can stick for years, at the very least until another member of the group pitches up with a new partner who is undeniably worse than you . No matter how well integrated you feel you should always keep the thought in mind that you are penetrating your partner's group and therefore contain any "leading" behavior until you're back with your own pack .

Stay marginally more low key and low status with your body language at social events, and display good manners with your partner at all times .

The secrets to good wedding and party body language are:

I Look genuinely happy when you arrive, as the entire room will

be casting their beady eyes in your direction . Keep in mind

that any big family gathering will always include

several elderly relatives, people suffering in silence,

or those on the edge--waiting for their waters to

break, for example . Your weaned-on-a-pickle face

won't gain you any Brownie points when you follow

that lot into church .

I Listen, don't speak . The core skill of any social

function is to produce active listening signals and

use them on everyone . Eye contact, nodding, head-

tilts, mirroring... all you need to do is to prompt

people with open questions and then go into full-

attention mode . D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 219

I never become overcongruent . Exaggerated niceness

will offend as it looks phony and patronizing . Just

because someone is either elderly and/or drunk

doesn't mean you shouldn't talk to them as though

they're an adult .

I Act like a royal . When members of the royal family

go on visits they have an assistant running beside

them to whisper appropriate bits of information to

them about each person they will be meeting . Your

partner should be pressed into service for this duty,

enabling you to begin conversations with lines like:

"Ah, Caroline, aren't you the aunt who got into

the finals of The Weakest Link four years ago?" and

so on .

gReeTIng yOUR OWn FAmILy Even though it's good to mirror close friends and relatives, there's often a chicken-and-egg scenario when it comes to meeting and greeting your own loved ones . Although it's always nice to be yourself, it's also probably better to get rid of that glum-looking screensaver face before you greet your loved ones . It's easy to arrive at your parents' house and walk in moaning about the journey down . It's also easy to forget they probably spent several hours--if not days--preparing for your visit . They then mirror your glum mood and it's downhill all the way from there . 220 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

One friend told me her mother would always greet her in adulthood with the words "You don't look very happy!" My friend would then reply, "Neither do you!" and it was frosty faces from then on . Who was in the wrong? Like most family squabbles, the answer is probably no one . All it needed was for one person (my friend in this case) to bite the bullet and change a very small communication trait to break the negative pattern of behavior . Next time she met her mother she smiled and looked pleased to see her . Her mother responded and peace was restored .

hOW TO DeLegATe hOUSeWORk Housework can come high up on the list of annoyances in any household, with only money topping it as the reason why fights break out . In a perfect world all household tasks should be lovingly and keenly performed with every family member taking his or her share . Unfortunately this is so rarely the case I have to admit I have never seen the system in action . What usually occurs is that one person seems to take ownership of all the household tasks and then tries to delegate them, leading to accusations of nagging and a constant need to keep redelegating every time the chore comes up .

Task delegation in the household can be tricky, especially if you're going to avoid the three key forms of failure . D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 221

1 . Verbal repetition: often seen as nagging .

2 . giving up and doing it yourself: turns the "delegater" into

a compliant doormat .

3 . getting other family members to do the tasks but with the

attitude that they are your jobs that you will always have to ask

them to do: victim still retains ownership of ghastly

task and anyone doing them considers themselves

to be doing him or her a favor .

Ideally your family should understand the tasks are for the benefit of all and decide themselves to do them when they need doing, not wait to be asked or expect to be thanked . Here are some tips to help achieve this ideal situation:

I Always communicate face-to-face when you can have undivided

attention . Ideally all family members need to be

present .

I employ body language that oozes confidence and authority .

Avoid any Power Posturing, but a calm posture,

good eye contact, and a confident delivery are

vital .

I Don't begin the conversation by airing past gripes . "You've

never lifted one finger to help in seven years"

is a very weak gambit because this is something

they can't change . Do you want an apology or

do you want action? Too many goals, especially 222 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

emotional goals tangled up with behavior goals,

will cause confusion .

I never allow emotion to show in your vocal tone or your body

language . If they can hear you're upset they'll smell

first blood .

I Sit slightly higher than the rest of the family--perching on the

edge of the table is better than sitting on a low sofa .

I If they fight back, don't back down . Fiddling, looking

away, face touching, or arm folding will all look

like defensive signals .

I Listen to their points and don't interrupt . Then pause . Then

stick to your guns .

I Don't make threats . Kids can always threaten better

and carry their threats out .

I When your children or partner do the tasks never stand

over them shouting out rules and instructions or ridiculing .

Encouragement and praise are more motivational,

but never thank them--it gives ownership of the

task to you forever .

When you relate to friends and family it's probably true to say that you are as near to "being yourself" as you can get . These transactions will work on a completely different level to those you have with colleagues or even sexual partners, as you're dealing with people who you have known or who have known you probably from birth . D e A LI n g W I Th F R I e n D S An D R e LAT I Ve S 223

However, this doesn't guarantee that all your transac- tions will be successful; in fact, far from it . Your friends and family behaviors have been learned from a very early age, but that doesn't mean there's no hope for change . As with nearly everything else in the book, I've looked at small changes that can make the maximum difference . Just a tiny diversion from your normal, programmed response could make a massive difference to the results you achieve .

fRiends ReuniTed Some last thoughts and tips specifically on friend- ships . However close your friends are, there is one huge difference between them and your family, and that is the issue of unconditional love or bonding . Although families can and do split up, blood relatives tend to stay with you forever . Not so with friends, which is why you should never take them for granted . Remember that great set of close pals you had at your last job? What happened when you or they moved on? No matter how many work colleagues swear to stay in touch, it's commonly found that they will lose touch once the common bond (the job) no longer exists . Childhood friendships are often lost by marriage, and a huge modern problem is one of property or career moves taking people off to live abroad . 224 T he B O Dy LA ng U A ge R U Le S

It helps to analyze your friendships to discover what works, why it works, and how to cherish it rather than taking it for granted .

I A key ingredient of bonding with friends is image and body

language . For comfort and animal security reasons we

tend to like people who look or act like us . School

tends to create some superficial bonds like this . At