The Book of Awesome (24 page)
Read The Book of Awesome Online
Authors: Neil Pasricha
It’s great.
Until, of course, it’s that time of the afternoon. You know what I’m talking about. Mommy or Daddy pops in, picks up the baby, does the classic
Reverse Angle Diaper Peek
move, and finds a chocolate factory working overtime back there.
Reverse Angle Diaper Peek
move, and finds a chocolate factory working overtime back there.
When they say, “Looks like somebody needs a changing!” that’s your cue to slink off silently to the kitchen. The party’s on pause during your daring
Dirty Diaper Dash
, but it’s back on ten minutes later when you casually show up and ask, “Hey, can I play with the baby again?”
Dirty Diaper Dash
, but it’s back on ten minutes later when you casually show up and ask, “Hey, can I play with the baby again?”
AWESOME!
Squeezing a little more juice out of dying batteries
It happens when you least expect it.
As you lie on the couch late at night flipping between talk shows and sports highlights,
the volume button
suddenly stops working. So you push it really, really hard until it eventually zaps into gear. But you have to face it: Those remote control batteries are dying. You know it and I know it. And there are only five possible
junk science
moves you’ve got to squeeze out some more juice.
the volume button
suddenly stops working. So you push it really, really hard until it eventually zaps into gear. But you have to face it: Those remote control batteries are dying. You know it and I know it. And there are only five possible
junk science
moves you’ve got to squeeze out some more juice.
Here they are in order of complexity:
1.
The wait.
This is what amateurs do. It’s called waiting a while and then hitting Volume again a minute later. If this is your only move, then you’ve got a lot to learn.
The wait.
This is what amateurs do. It’s called waiting a while and then hitting Volume again a minute later. If this is your only move, then you’ve got a lot to learn.
2.
Flip-flop till they drop.
This is a simple and extremely ineffective move. Crack open the back of the remote and switch spots between batteries. Give it a shot, but nobody’s promising anything.
Flip-flop till they drop.
This is a simple and extremely ineffective move. Crack open the back of the remote and switch spots between batteries. Give it a shot, but nobody’s promising anything.
3.
Ay, there’s the rub.
Some people swear that popping the batteries out and rubbing them together charges them up. “It has to do with ions,” my brother-in-law Dee once said with a straight face. Better hope so or you’re trying the next move.
Ay, there’s the rub.
Some people swear that popping the batteries out and rubbing them together charges them up. “It has to do with ions,” my brother-in-law Dee once said with a straight face. Better hope so or you’re trying the next move.
4.
Shake it like a Polaroid picture.
My old high school computer teacher taught us that shaking batteries helps move the battery acid around and gets them working again. I didn’t say he was a good teacher. You risk looking foolish, so best not to try this at birthday parties or in front of an audience.
Shake it like a Polaroid picture.
My old high school computer teacher taught us that shaking batteries helps move the battery acid around and gets them working again. I didn’t say he was a good teacher. You risk looking foolish, so best not to try this at birthday parties or in front of an audience.
5.
The Robin Hood.
Let’s say the batteries are dying in your digital camera and your DVD player remote takes the same size. You hardly touch the remote, so they’re practically full. Donating them to the digital camera and bringing the camera’s barely alive organs back to the remote is like robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. If it works you’re laughing.
The Robin Hood.
Let’s say the batteries are dying in your digital camera and your DVD player remote takes the same size. You hardly touch the remote, so they’re practically full. Donating them to the digital camera and bringing the camera’s barely alive organs back to the remote is like robbing from the rich and giving to the poor. If it works you’re laughing.
Hey listen, if you’ve ever scored big with any of these, then I’m right there with you. Frankly, we all try them because here’s the dirty secret about batteries:
No one knows how they work.
Honestly, could you put one together? Do you know what’s in there? I’ve got no clue.
No one knows how they work.
Honestly, could you put one together? Do you know what’s in there? I’ve got no clue.
If I had to guess, I’d say battery acid is harvested from the bark of a
rare species
of tree in a tiny distant island country where it’s the number one export. Though their struggling economy is barely afloat, wealthy battery acid tycoons sip expensive champagne in living rooms full of remote control cars,
talking dolls
, and cordless radios.
rare species
of tree in a tiny distant island country where it’s the number one export. Though their struggling economy is barely afloat, wealthy battery acid tycoons sip expensive champagne in living rooms full of remote control cars,
talking dolls
, and cordless radios.
Whatever they are, wherever they come from, when you squeeze a bit more juice from a set of dying batteries, it’s like you’re suddenly
Dr. Frankenstein
.
Dr. Frankenstein
.
“Rise!”
you scream at your remote. “Rise, rise, rise!”
you scream at your remote. “Rise, rise, rise!”
Lightning flashes in the windows and
thunder crashes
in the distance as the volume bar appears on screen and slowly starts moving up.
thunder crashes
in the distance as the volume bar appears on screen and slowly starts moving up.
AWESOME!
Falling asleep in the backseat of a car late at night on the drive home
Moonlit skies,
stained plush seats
, and a quietly revving engine combine to form a perfectly cozy late-night bed on the long drive home.
stained plush seats
, and a quietly revving engine combine to form a perfectly cozy late-night bed on the long drive home.
Whether you’re a baby in a car seat, a teen getting a lift from the party, or Grandma cabbing home from
Bingo
, there’s nothing like drifting into Dreamland in that rusty Volvo on the slow and swervy country back roads.
Bingo
, there’s nothing like drifting into Dreamland in that rusty Volvo on the slow and swervy country back roads.
Yes, those tires rumble over empty lanes as headlights pop over hilltops,
warm your eyelids
, and whoosh past, leaving the entire cab pitch black except for the faint glow of the distant dashboard clock.
warm your eyelids
, and whoosh past, leaving the entire cab pitch black except for the faint glow of the distant dashboard clock.
And if you’re little and you’re lucky, you might score
valet service
, which includes wearing pajamas under your winter coat and getting carried up to your bed after you get home. It feels so good you might even pretend to be asleep just to pull it off.
valet service
, which includes wearing pajamas under your winter coat and getting carried up to your bed after you get home. It feels so good you might even pretend to be asleep just to pull it off.
AWESOME!
Ordering off the menu a t fast food restaurants
Ever had a
Neapolitan shake
from McDonald’s?
Neapolitan shake
from McDonald’s?
One where they layer the chocolate, strawberry, and vanilla flavors in the same cup, creating a thick, icy, slow-moving
light-brown-swirls-with-pink-flecks
taste sensation? Yeah, my friend Chad was a regular customer of those. Of course, when he was working at McDonald’s, he got sick of the regular menu pretty quickly and started tinkering in the back like a
mad scientist
with his coworkers, developing exotic, unstable, and unpredictable meal creations with the ingredients on hand. There were failed attempts, like the
Chicken McNugget Flurry
, but sometimes they struck gold and created a new off-the-menu line extension.
light-brown-swirls-with-pink-flecks
taste sensation? Yeah, my friend Chad was a regular customer of those. Of course, when he was working at McDonald’s, he got sick of the regular menu pretty quickly and started tinkering in the back like a
mad scientist
with his coworkers, developing exotic, unstable, and unpredictable meal creations with the ingredients on hand. There were failed attempts, like the
Chicken McNugget Flurry
, but sometimes they struck gold and created a new off-the-menu line extension.
Now, my world opened up when I first realized with Chad that you could order off the menu at fast food restaurants. Since then I’ve learned about other secret options around. Like for instance:
•
Wendy’s—The Grand Slam.
If the single, double, or triple hamburgers at Wendy’s just don’t cut it for you, go all out and order the massive four-patty grand slam. Also known as the Classic Quadruple or Meat Cube.
Wendy’s—The Grand Slam.
If the single, double, or triple hamburgers at Wendy’s just don’t cut it for you, go all out and order the massive four-patty grand slam. Also known as the Classic Quadruple or Meat Cube.
•
Wendy’s—The Barnyard.
Are you ready for this? Loaded with a beef patty, spicy chicken breast, bacon strips, and a slice of cheese between each layer, this one’s perfect for frat hazings.
Wendy’s—The Barnyard.
Are you ready for this? Loaded with a beef patty, spicy chicken breast, bacon strips, and a slice of cheese between each layer, this one’s perfect for frat hazings.
•
Starbucks—The Short Cup.
Even though the smallest size on the Starbucks menu is a Tall they do offer a secret Short size behind the counter. Perfect for that between-coffee-breaks coffee.
Starbucks—The Short Cup.
Even though the smallest size on the Starbucks menu is a Tall they do offer a secret Short size behind the counter. Perfect for that between-coffee-breaks coffee.
•
Starbucks—The Red Eye.
A cup of coffee with a shot of espresso dumped in. Now, I’m not a huge coffee drinker, but apparently you can even upgrade this to two shots, which is called a Black Eye. I presume upgrading to three shots is called a Jumpy, Unblinking Eye.
Starbucks—The Red Eye.
A cup of coffee with a shot of espresso dumped in. Now, I’m not a huge coffee drinker, but apparently you can even upgrade this to two shots, which is called a Black Eye. I presume upgrading to three shots is called a Jumpy, Unblinking Eye.
•
Subway—The Quesadilla.
Late at night, the staff might whip one of these up for you if you’re lucky. Chicken, cheese, and veggies pancaked between two wraps and popped in the oven.
Subway—The Quesadilla.
Late at night, the staff might whip one of these up for you if you’re lucky. Chicken, cheese, and veggies pancaked between two wraps and popped in the oven.
•
Subway—The Pizza Sub.
Apparently this one’s like Sasquatch. There are scattered sightings everywhere and some grainy videos that may have been tampered with. While we’re at it, another favorite from Subway is simply
the old cut
, where they dig a trench in your bread instead of just slicing it, leading to better cold cut and veggie distribution. Also known for causing
The Wing Effect
, where your bologna hangs out the sides of your sandwich for some tasty pre-nibbles.
Subway—The Pizza Sub.
Apparently this one’s like Sasquatch. There are scattered sightings everywhere and some grainy videos that may have been tampered with. While we’re at it, another favorite from Subway is simply
the old cut
, where they dig a trench in your bread instead of just slicing it, leading to better cold cut and veggie distribution. Also known for causing
The Wing Effect
, where your bologna hangs out the sides of your sandwich for some tasty pre-nibbles.
•
In-N-Out Burger—Animal Style Hamburger.
The well-known “secret menu” at In-N-Out features this heavenly gem—their regular burger patty cooked in mustard, then topped with extra pickles, extra spread, and grilled onions. For bonus points try Animal Style Fries too.
In-N-Out Burger—Animal Style Hamburger.
The well-known “secret menu” at In-N-Out features this heavenly gem—their regular burger patty cooked in mustard, then topped with extra pickles, extra spread, and grilled onions. For bonus points try Animal Style Fries too.
•
Most Fish & Chip places—Batter Bits aka Scraps.
I knew a girl who was all over these. She’d lean over the counter with a guilty whisper and the cashier would nod slowly and hand over a wet, greasy paper bag full of batter drippings that fell in the oil by accident. Yeah, this is the bottom of the barrel of off-the-menu stylings. I didn’t say it was pretty out there.
Most Fish & Chip places—Batter Bits aka Scraps.
I knew a girl who was all over these. She’d lean over the counter with a guilty whisper and the cashier would nod slowly and hand over a wet, greasy paper bag full of batter drippings that fell in the oil by accident. Yeah, this is the bottom of the barrel of off-the-menu stylings. I didn’t say it was pretty out there.
•
McDonald’s—The Flavor Saver.
This one isn’t that common, but it’s where the very nice employee pumps a shot of hot caramel or fudge in the bottom of your ice cream cone. Last Tasters go nuts for this, as you can imagine.
McDonald’s—The Flavor Saver.
This one isn’t that common, but it’s where the very nice employee pumps a shot of hot caramel or fudge in the bottom of your ice cream cone. Last Tasters go nuts for this, as you can imagine.
•
McDonald’s—Fries with Big Mac Sauce
(pictured). Lots of people put fries right on the burger, which I agree tastes delicious. But this technique allows you to switch things up a bit and put some of your burger’s best feature
right on your fries
. Ignore protests from your arteries and ask for a little cup of Mac Sauce on the side for dipping.
McDonald’s—Fries with Big Mac Sauce
(pictured). Lots of people put fries right on the burger, which I agree tastes delicious. But this technique allows you to switch things up a bit and put some of your burger’s best feature
right on your fries
. Ignore protests from your arteries and ask for a little cup of Mac Sauce on the side for dipping.
•
McDonald’s—Big Mac with McChicken or Quarter Pounder patties
(pictured). The bun-heavy Big Mac surgically altered into a meat-heavy Half Pounder or Big McChicken. Now you’re much less likely to get that dreaded All-Bun first bite.
McDonald’s—Big Mac with McChicken or Quarter Pounder patties
(pictured). The bun-heavy Big Mac surgically altered into a meat-heavy Half Pounder or Big McChicken. Now you’re much less likely to get that dreaded All-Bun first bite.
Now, I’m sure there are hundreds of other off-the-menu gems that I’ve never heard of or know about. But that’s the beauty! There are all these little surprises just waiting to be discovered. What possible
fast food mouth love
will you discover next?
fast food mouth love
will you discover next?
Ordering off the menu at fast food restaurants is a great deal. Maybe you’re a loyal customer looking for that new taste. Maybe you have strict dietary restrictions, so it’s either off the menu or no menu at all. Or maybe you’re just a grumpy guy who makes personal requests with a
deep scowl and a few thumping cane stomps
.
deep scowl and a few thumping cane stomps
.
But whatever the case, whatever your background, whatever your taste, I think we can all agree that it sure is nice getting a little something special for lunch now and then.
AWESOME!
Paying for something with exact change
Feel this pain: You’re a cashier in a busy store at holiday season.
Now, say you’re good at your job and you’ve been there a while. You’ve long memorized the produce codes and you bag like a champion.
You’re keeping up with the traffic
, whipping customer after customer through the till in no time flat. You’re rocking the credit cards, you’re rocking the debit cards, and your line is the most sought-after line at the store.
You’re keeping up with the traffic
, whipping customer after customer through the till in no time flat. You’re rocking the credit cards, you’re rocking the debit cards, and your line is the most sought-after line at the store.
Yes, it seems like nothing can stop you. You are
Cashatron
, a top-secret beta-version prototype of the world’s most highly efficient cashier.
Cashatron
, a top-secret beta-version prototype of the world’s most highly efficient cashier.
And if you’ve been there before, if you’ve ever cashed and cashed hard, if you’ve lived the cash life and have the
varicose veins
to prove it, then you know what I’m talking about. And you also know the one thing that can trip you up. Yes, you know the stick in the bike spokes for a veteran cashier is simply . . .
varicose veins
to prove it, then you know what I’m talking about. And you also know the one thing that can trip you up. Yes, you know the stick in the bike spokes for a veteran cashier is simply . . .
. . . running out of change.
It happens all of a sudden too. One moment you’re whipping through the line, and then suddenly you stare up at a customer and apologize profusely as you awkwardly dump two handfuls of sweaty coins in their hands. You look back at the long line and just hope somebody else
opens up a new lane
while you wait for change to arrive. It’s a terrible feeling. And it makes us ol’ cashing veterans
shudder
just thinking about it.
opens up a new lane
while you wait for change to arrive. It’s a terrible feeling. And it makes us ol’ cashing veterans
shudder
just thinking about it.
And that’s why it’s so great for cashiers when someone pays with exact change. As an added bonus, customers get to empty their pockets and lighten their loads. Yes, it’s a win-win situation.
Plus, there’s a
Bonus Round
too! That’s when you pay for something with exact change . . .
with every single coin you have in your pocket
. I’m talking about when you have eight coins in your pocket that add up to 74 cents and the bill comes to $5.74. Nope, no breaking a ten for you, because you just won the Bonus Round jackpot.
Bonus Round
too! That’s when you pay for something with exact change . . .
with every single coin you have in your pocket
. I’m talking about when you have eight coins in your pocket that add up to 74 cents and the bill comes to $5.74. Nope, no breaking a ten for you, because you just won the Bonus Round jackpot.
Paying for something with exact change, folks.
AWESOME!
Absolute perfect silence
AWESOME!
The first shower you take after not showering for a really long time
Sure, the first couple days of not showering have a bit of a
dirty-cool
hippieish roughing-it feel to them. You come into your own, letting the deodorant wash away, your hair get full of
scraggly knots
, and the sweat dry into your clothes. If you’re camping, you’re at one with nature. If you’re at home, you’re at one with a lazy weekend. If you’re traveling, you’re at one with delayed multiple-stopover international flight.
dirty-cool
hippieish roughing-it feel to them. You come into your own, letting the deodorant wash away, your hair get full of
scraggly knots
, and the sweat dry into your clothes. If you’re camping, you’re at one with nature. If you’re at home, you’re at one with a lazy weekend. If you’re traveling, you’re at one with delayed multiple-stopover international flight.
Either way, you’re at one in your
dirty Zen moment
. And that’s cool.
dirty Zen moment
. And that’s cool.
But whether it’s a day, two days, or even a week later, it eventually hits you:
You need a shower, bad.
And you ain’t gonna get one till you get home. Suddenly, you don’t want to be a hippie no more.
You need a shower, bad.
And you ain’t gonna get one till you get home. Suddenly, you don’t want to be a hippie no more.
Then you start thinking about it. And you keep thinking about it. You start to notice
dirt stains
building up on your arms and legs. You smell the thin film of leftover bug spray and sunblock on your skin. You comb a
dead earwig
out of your hair while collecting sticks for the campfire. Your scalp gets really, really itchy. And let’s be honest: Your
groin region
isn’t in the best shape either.
dirt stains
building up on your arms and legs. You smell the thin film of leftover bug spray and sunblock on your skin. You comb a
dead earwig
out of your hair while collecting sticks for the campfire. Your scalp gets really, really itchy. And let’s be honest: Your
groin region
isn’t in the best shape either.
Yeah, that’s why the first shower you take after
not showering for a while
feels so good. You can actually feel the dirt washing off you. The white bar of soap turns a bit darker, and you use a week’s worth of shampoo to work your hair into a massive
Lather Afro
. The shampoo gets in your ears, but you don’t mind. There’s sand in there anyway. Your sunburns and scrapes get washed out. Your tightly wrenched neck gets massaged by the warm water. Your nose gets a good blowing. And you wash all the bits of spiderweb,
campfire ash
, and lake algae off your face.
not showering for a while
feels so good. You can actually feel the dirt washing off you. The white bar of soap turns a bit darker, and you use a week’s worth of shampoo to work your hair into a massive
Lather Afro
. The shampoo gets in your ears, but you don’t mind. There’s sand in there anyway. Your sunburns and scrapes get washed out. Your tightly wrenched neck gets massaged by the warm water. Your nose gets a good blowing. And you wash all the bits of spiderweb,
campfire ash
, and lake algae off your face.
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