The Book of New Family Traditions (17 page)

More than 40 percent of American households now have gaming systems. Many are equipped for multiple players, but the favorite of families is the Nintendo Wii. My son loves video games of all kinds and has several handheld systems, but our Wii has truly been a family-bonding tool. I applaud this device, not only because we often play it together, but because it gets everyone off the couch (unlike my favorite low-tech games: Monopoly, Scrabble, and Apples to Apples)! There are some Wii sports games that come with the basic system, as well as an endless line of additional games. We are particular fans of Wii bowling, but my husband and son also like the golf version. And we have had a lot of fun playing the Wii Guitar Hero.

Discover the Magic of a Talking Stick

One of the hardest tasks for young children is taking turns and learning to listen to others when they urgently want to speak themselves. The talking stick is a traditional Native American sacred object that can be a magical tool in family meetings. Whoever is holding the stick, and
only
that person, has the authority to speak. The stick is a visual reminder to focus on that person, who is supposed to speak truth from the heart. Children love the textures of the stick, and the feeling of literally holding power in their hands. Talking sticks are a good example of the almost mystical powers of focus that good rituals bring: I’ve seen shy, fidgety children get all solemn and collected when handed the stick. They are so concentrated on doing the “business” of the stick properly, they forget to be nervous and speak what’s really on their minds.

A major advocate of this ritual is Stephen Covey, author of the best-seller
The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People.
Covey has lectured and written about the talking stick: There is even a YouTube video of him explaining the principle. He points out that the value of the talking stick is in the listening as much as the talking: People feel understood, because they are allowed to talk long enough to make their point.

How to Make and Use a Tatking Stick

Materials

Get a thick stick, about an inch in diameter and ten to twelve inches long (though traditional ones tend to be longer), from your backyard or local park.

Smooth the ends with sandpaper, making sure there are no sharp edges or splinters.

Get bright ribbons from a fabric or craft store, plus feathers from your yard or the store. You can also use shells, beads, buttons, or other adornments.

Instructions

Wrap ribbons up the stick as far as you wish for smoothness and color, then let each family member choose one color of ribbon to represent their “voice,” and tie that ribbon tightly to the stick. Spread these ribbons out, so each has its own space. Add as many feathers and other decorations as you want, to the ends or all over. Personalize the stick for your family, perhaps tying on a small stone from your yard, a few hairs from your dog, or whatever suits you.

Traditionally, Native Americans sit in a circle when using a talking stick, and this works well. A circle is found over and over in the natural world, and each person in a circle has the same importance. You may wish to have a ritual way of starting the Talking Stick circle, as simple as holding hands for a moment or bowing to one another before you sit. You can sit on the floor, or at a table.

Decide on who will start, whether it’s youngest or oldest, or take turns going first. You may hold the stick any way you choose, but the traditional way is to hold the stick vertically, as though it were planted in the earth. After the first person speaks, he or she looks directly into the eyes of the next person before passing on the stick. Anyone who doesn’t wish to speak may pass the stick along silently. One idea is to use the talking stick just at the beginning of your meeting, as you share your thoughts, feelings, and news with one another. Put the stick aside as you move on to issues of family business, games, a snack, and so forth.

Note:
If you have younger children, you might be better off with something “safer” than a stick. Some therapists, teachers, and preachers working with young kids actually use a stuffed animal, like a beanie baby, as the object that is passed around from person to person. In some cases, a “talking bowl” is the object used. Not every family will be able to craft a stick, but the concept of using an object that disciplines a group to speak one at a time is a very powerful tool for effective meetings of all kinds, not just family ones.

Monthly Rituals

A month is a naturally powerful, logical unit of time, measured by the cycles of the moon. The good thing about a monthly ritual is that it’s regular but also special. There is time for anticipation, and time, if you wish, to create slightly more complex gatherings. At my house, we even change our seats at the kitchen table on the first day of every month, and I love literally getting a new perspective on the familiar backyard scene.

Full Moon Bonfires

Small children are fascinated by the full moon and other celestial phenomena. The James family of Spokane, Washington, started having full moon bonfires when their son was six. The family of four makes a small fire right in the driveway on the night of a full moon and toasts hot dogs and marshmallows on skewers.

Box of Goals

Decorate a small shoebox or cigar box and keep it in the family room. On the first day of each month, have all the members of the family write on a piece of paper three goals they have for that month. It can be a task at school or work they hope to accomplish, or improving on a bad habit, but always something that’s in the power of the individual to do: Don’t allow it to become a list of “things” your kids hope they receive as gifts. Each month as you fill out a new list, check how you did the previous month.

King or Queen for the Day

Each month, one of Cindy Whaling’s kids gets to be royalty for a day. When a new month starts, the child whose turn it is grabs the calendar, closes his or her eyes, and points to a date. Cindy draws a tiny crown on that date, with the kid’s name. The royal child gets to pick the dinner and activities that day. As they get older, they wisely learn to point at weekends, when sleepovers are allowed, says Cindy. Her youngest always wants to go to McDonald’s for a Happy Meal, which is considered too unhealthy on ordinary days.

Calendars for Kids

At an early age, kids want to know what’s ahead and to follow along with the family’s schedule. It’s a great idea and a fun project to make a special calendar for each child to keep in his or her room.

You can do it one month at a time, using colored construction paper. As you make each month’s sheet, you can talk about what season that month is in, what holidays are coming, when family members have birthdays and anniversaries, and so forth.

Materials

Construction paper

Ruler

Crayons or markers

Thin ribbon

Instructions

Print the name of the month at the top and use the ruler to draw boxes for each day of the month. Write the numbers in each box, but save room for your child to add stickers or drawings to illustrate important events. Make a small hole at the right and left top edges of the paper, and poke ribbon through the holes, knotting the two ends of ribbon. Hang on a nail or hook somewhere low enough for your child to reach it. Start a ritual of checkmarking or crossing off each day, perhaps just before bed. (Give your kids a washable marker, so your wall won’t be ruined.)

Full Moon Walks

Craig Patchin wanted a special ritual to bring him closer to his children, and he spotted his chance when his oldest child was about to turn ten. His wife had bought a book called
Walk When the Moon Is Full
as a present for their daughter Bethany. Author Frances Hamerstrom, an ornithologist, wrote the book about the nature walks she took with her children during every full moon.

Inspired by this idea, Craig spontaneously wrote in the front of the book, “Happy Birthday. I make a pledge to you that we will go exploring every full moon this year. I love you, Daddy.”

The Patchins live in a semirural area, and every month that year Craig and his daughter walked after dark, usually for at least half an hour. Often, they walked to the top of a hill in a nearby meadow where they could see for miles. Bethany loved the ritual so much that her younger sisters and brother could hardly wait for their turn, and they still remember many of the things they saw and heard and talked about.

Says Kelsey, Craig’s third daughter, “One cold night when there was snow on the ground, we took a bunch of blankets and curled up in the hammock outside. My dad had to move a branch of the pine tree so we could seethe moon, and we talked about memories and stories.”

Now that all the Patchin kids have had their year of Full Moon Walks, they can’t stand the idea of never doing it again. Plans are that the ritual will be repeated when they each turn eighteen.

Tip: Vary this ritual to suit yourselves. You can do this every month or just in nice weather. Take turns between the kids, month by month. You can take long or short walks, vary your path, perhaps stay close to home and use binoculars or a telescope to study the sky. Keep a journal about your Full Moon Walks.

Giving-Back Day

I heard about a family that does a monthly community service project. One day each month, the kids in the family fill “activity bags” with coloring books, crayons, and games, and they deliver them