The Book of Nonsense (15 page)

Daphna carefully folded up the note and put it back into her pocket. There were no more tears now. A single, pitiless feeling was attacking her like a swarm of stinging bees: shame. She felt crippling shame for all the times she'd looked at her mother's less-than smooth face in Milton's frames and felt disappointment, for all the times at school she pretended it was too difficult to write about her mother because she was dead. Daphna suddenly saw herself for what she'd been: a shallow, ignorant, self-absorbed little girl.

“
Daphna?!
”

Someone was yelling her name.

“
Daphna?! Where are you?
”

It was Latty. She was somewhere very near by. Daphna shrunk down, hoping against hope she'd not be found.

“You're father's gone by ambulance to the hospital! He's going to be okay! Where are you? He told me you were here! Are you okay? Daphna?! Dexter?!” Latty continued to call for the twins, but her voice began to fade a minute later.

Daphna was relieved to get this news about her father. The poor man! To think he knew nothing about what was going on! Nothing about his own wife! Nothing about the First Tongue or The War of Words or The triumph of the—
Wait a minute!

Daphna fumbled the note back out of her pocket and frantically opened it again. She skimmed it over, looking for a line. There it was:
Search out the story of The First
Tongue. Learn about the War of Words.
Savor the triumph of The Eight.

“That's not right,” Daphna said out loud, leaping to her feet. For once, she remembered an exact detail. Her father would have to wait for that hug.

She took off down the sidewalk, running so single-mindedly that she didn't even hear Latty start screaming her name.

Five minutes later, Daphna burst into the lobby of the R & R, panting. Evelyn Idun was not at her desk, which was fortunate because Daphna wasn't going to stop for anything in the world. She looked an absolute mess and had no idea what she was going to say to explain if she had to. More good luck: the elevator doors were open. Daphna flung herself inside, punched at the buttons and willed the doors to close. The three-floor ride felt excruciatingly long. “
Dex!
” she shouted at the indifferent metal doors. Finally, they slid open. Daphna squeezed out as soon as it was possible and sprinted down the hall.

The door to room 306 was locked.

“Dexter!” Daphna cried, wrenching the knob. She pounded on the door. “Dexter! Don't give her the book!” She put her ear to the door, but couldn't hear anything, but maybe that was because blood was hammering in her head. “Don't give it to her!” she wailed. “It was
The Eight
!
The Eight
defeated Rash and his followers! Don't give her the book, Dex!”

“Daphna?”

Someone was calling to her from the end of the hall. She turned, frantic. It was Mrs. Deucalion. She and Mr. Bergelmir were standing in the hall outside the lounge holding playing cards.

“Have you come back?” Mrs. Deucalion asked. She was squinting at Daphna, perhaps unsure from a distance what to make of her disheveled state.

Daphna simply ignored the question. She turned back to the door and resumed pounding. “Dex! Dex!”

“Daphna, darling! What's wrong?” This was Mrs. Kunyan, who'd come out of the lounge, too.

“Dex! Don't do it, Dex! It was only eight! She was with
him!
”

A small contingent of Dwarves was now moving slowly down the hall. Daphna looked at them desperately, then turned back again to the infuriating door.
Oh, why did she ever get
involved with these annoying little people?!

“Daphna! You're ill!”

Someone in the group was just a step or two away when the door to room 306 opened abruptly. Daphna was grabbed by the arm and yanked inside.

The door slammed shut behind her.

It was Ruby. With alarming strength for such an old woman, she twisted Daphna's arm and forced her onto the couch. Dex was sitting there, white in the face, his hands trembling in his lap. It was immediately apparent why: Ruby had a gun, a big, old-fashioned revolver, the kind Daphna had seen in gangster movies. She had the book, too.

“Barging in on us again, you little nuisance!” Ruby snapped. Her pleasant, welcoming voice was gone, as was the friendly, motherly look on her cracked and wrinkled face. “Once again your brother and I were having a perfectly fine conversation. I knew all along he'd bring it to me if he got hold of the book. Handed it right over, he did, the little dear.”

“She's been telling me not to trust anyone but her,” Dex moaned, “not even my family. She must have told me that a hundred times.”

Ruby smiled. “Didn't your mother teach you not to listen to strangers? Oh, no—I suppose she never got the chance.”

“Rash is dead,” Daphna announced, hoping to knock Ruby off balance.

“I know, and so much the better!” Ruby replied, knocking Daphna off balance instead. “That old fool never understood that open conflict is not the most effective way to get what you want.”

Dex and Daphna looked at each other and realized how thoroughly they'd been taken in. “Asterius was unmanageable from the first,” Ruby said. “You aren't as sharp as you'd like to think, little girl. First he almost ruined everything by letting your mother read his mind. Then he throws the precious book off a cliff! Men are such idiots—present company included,” she added, winking at Dex.

The twins did not reply, but Ruby evidently wasn't looking for conversation.

“I told you the truth about spying on Asterius,” she said. “I've been following him for centuries. He may be a hothead and a fool, but he is relentless after all, and I figured my best bet was to let him find the book and then either rejoin him or simply take it from him. So when he moved here, I moved here, too. And then I saw whom he had that disgusting boy spying on, you two dears. It was obvious to me right away whose children you were, so I decided a recruit was in order. I chose Dex because there is no one easier to manipulate than a boy, angry at the injustices of the cruel, cruel world.” She laughed.

Dexter flushed with rage.

“Another of Asterius' problems,” Ruby added, “was that he never understood the need to play as many angles as possible. Here's a tip for you, Dexy, from your old tutor: keep your friends close, but keep your enemies closer! One way or another—if your father had it, if Asterius got it, or if you got it from either of them—I've always known I'd get the book back! But don't worry, when I learn the First Tongue, there will be peace. Asterius and I always intended that. After all, what could be more peaceful than a world full of grateful slaves?
Heaven on
Earth
, indeed!”

Both Dex and Daphna opened their mouths, but there simply wasn't anything to say. Ruby wasn't done talking anyway.

“And our little part in the story together could have ended so sweetly,” she went on. “We could have had a little ceremony in which I burned a book looking a lot like this one, congratulated you two for doing the world a great service, then disappeared into the night for a nice relaxing holiday to read! But no! You've ruined that possibility. I simply can't have you out there looking for me, scheming the way your mother always did.

“No, you've driven me into open conflict, and when Ruby Scharlach is forced into open conflict, things are settled quickly and without a fuss. Let's go. We need to go somewhere private, and Dex, you seem to have a perfect spot. We're going to your little secret hideout in the woods.”

Ruby picked up the phone and touched a number. “Evelyn!” she said, sounding like a kindly old lady again. “Is there by any chance a shuttle down there? There is? Fabulous. I've got the Wax twins with me today—Oh, yes, Dexter is here, too. Sure I'll say hi—he'll understand you have to run. We'd like to take a little field trip to Gabriel Park—Yes, the weather. True. We're hoping it rains, actually. Dexter's showing off some sort of Boy Scout talent or other—Great, can he drop us off? Oh, just an hour. Perfect. We'll be right down.” Ruby put both the book and gun into her purse, then waved the twins to the door.

“Children,” she said, “one false move, as they say, and you're both dead. I'm a crack shot.”

Daphna and Dex were both numb now. There seemed to be a limit to the number of times a person could deal with the possibility of being murdered in one day. They simply got up and did as they were told.

But in the hall, Daphna's hopes flickered to life. Mrs. Deucalion and Mr. Bergelmir, along with Mr. Hina and Mrs. Tapi, were there, practically right outside the door. The others were further down the hall, milling around with the goofy looks they always wore. Daphna was sorry she'd wished them away. She was never so glad to see their simple faces! Ruby looked furious at all the traffic.

“Daphna!” Mrs. Tapi said, “I heard you came back. Why, look at you two! You look awful! Is something wrong? Was there a fight? You were shouting.”

“Ah—um—actually, we—” Daphna wasn't sure what to say or do. Her instinct was to throw herself at the Dwarves and beg for help, but the poisonous look on Ruby's face silenced her, at least for the moment.

“They do look afright,” Ruby said, jovially, as if the twins' bruised and bloodied condition was just their youthful enthusiasm showing.

“You know how kids take their games so seriously,” she added. “We're doing one of those murder mystery games, where the players act out parts. Can you believe the make-up? They've just dug up a corpse in the park and have to take me to identify it.” Ruby shrugged good-naturedly, as if to say what could she do but indulge such kooky kids.

While the Dwarves took all this in, Daphna looked at each of them with beseeching eyes. Evidently, Ruby saw this because she took the gun out and pointed it at her. “I was going to tell them my part is DoubleCrossing Murderer when we got to the park, but this is just too much fun to wait.”

The Dwarves had all looked shocked, but then Mr. Bergelmir broke into a grin. “I'd love to play!” he said, his face lighting up. “It's Mrs. Scharlach, yes? I've heard about these games! They even have murder cruise ships these days!”

“I'd love it, too!” This was Mrs. Tapi. Then, all the Dwarves were volunteering to play.

Dex and Daphna looked at each other and shared the same thought. If they could stay in such a large group, they'd be safe. Ruby looked like she could shoot everyone right then and there.

“No,” she said, “I wouldn't feel right dragging you all into the woods.”

“Oh, but we'd love it!” protested Mrs. Kunyan. “Nothing half this exciting has happened around here in ages! Besides, now that we know you're a Double-Crossing Murderer, we have to protect these poor, innocent children!”

“Of course,” Ruby conceded through gritted teeth.

It was agreed, so the Dwarves all shuffled back to their various rooms for coats and hats. In the meantime, Ruby punched at the elevator button, clearly hoping to leave without them. But it wouldn't come. By the time the doors opened, Mr. Dwyfan, whose room was right across the hall, had emerged. He held the elevator while the rest of the group made their plodding way to join him.

Once everyone was finally in, Mr. Hina turned to Daphna. “We can't wait for our next book,” he said. “Did you have anything in mind? We're all anxious to know!”

“A murder mystery I hope!” Mr. Bergelmir laughed.

Daphna tried to smile, but it was almost impossible to speak in her current state of mind.

“Oh, I'm still thinking it over,” she managed. She pointed at her brother. “This is Dexter,” she said, “my twin.” This set off a fuss as everyone wanted to get a better look at him.

On the ride over to the park, the Dwarves made eager small talk. They chattered about this and that, mostly to Dex, asking him all about his life. He barely managed replies that kept everyone talking. The Dwarves tried to engage Ruby as well, but she was having none of it.

The bus stopped in a small parking lot abutting the park. When Ruby rose in the aisle, the twins panicked.

Daphna leapt to her feet first and screamed, “This isn't a game! She really is a murderer! It's a real gun!”

‘What? What's going on here!” This was the bus driver, turning around in naked alarm.

“You've got to help us!” Dex cried. “She's—” but Ruby was now pointing the gun directly at his heart.

The driver screamed, but the Dwarves all chuckled. One of them went, “Oooooh!” in mock horror.

“Don't worry!” said Mrs. Deucalion. “We're playing Murder Mystery! Look at that make-up—first rate!”

“Get off the bus or die here and now,” Ruby said to the twins. They did as they were told, and the group of increasingly amused Dwarves followed. The driver, shaking his head, pulled the door shut behind them and drove away, leaving the whole crowd standing under threatening skies at the head of the park's main trail.

Dex looked down the path at the cedar tree and the spot where he'd blundered into Emmet. That seemed like a thousand years ago.

“Okay, Dex,” Ruby said. “Show me where the body is. Any more nonsense, and you'll be joining it in a shallow grave.”

“Oh, she's good,” Mrs. Kunyan marveled. “She's
really
good.”

“We're up to it,” said a smiling Mr. Bergelmir. “Here, how about this: Over our dead bodies!”

“That can be arranged,” Ruby replied, aiming the gun at him. She flashed a smile.

“She's got us,” Mr. Bergelmir admitted.

“Now move, Dexter, or I'll kill you.”

Bitterly, Dex led the group down the path. It was slow going with the gang of old people dawdling along, stopping here and there to look for bodies or assassins lurking about. When they passed the giant cedar, Dex veered onto the hidden path diverging into the thick of the woods. The group walked for a good fifteen minutes, pushing aside bushes and branches and stepping over logs. No less than six times, Ruby suggested the gang turn back if the going was too rough, but each time they declined.