The Breakup Mix (25 page)

Michelle put her fork down. “Okay, I just have to ask this, because I can’t understand this. Maybe it’s because I’m a mother, but . . . are you sure you’re going to be able to follow through with all of this?” She motioned between Dani and me while tossing stuffing off her fork. “Shit. Sorry about that.”

I chuckled. “That’s really gross. Um, as for your question—yes, I will be able to follow through with this. I’ve come to terms with the fact that this baby is mine in some respects, but it’s Dani who will be able to give it the best life imaginable.” I swallowed hard and took a drink to drown the emotions creeping up my neck.

Dani’s voice was barely above a whisper as she spoke. “Please don’t think that it’s lost on me how difficult this is for Alissa. Or that it will be when that day comes. But, it’s not like we’re going to be on opposite sides of the country or she’ll never see it again.”

Michelle interrupted, “But do you think that will help or make it worse?”

You gotta hand it to that girl, she knows how to hit at the core of an issue with sheer curiosity. She had addressed in one sentence hours of thoughts and fears I’d had since I’d felt the baby move. I cleared my throat and glanced at Dani as I said, “I think we both know that tough emotional times are coming. I’m prepared for a grieving period, but guys, you know how I am and how I feel about parenthood. I’m not cut out for this . . .”

“But you don’t know that! That’s what I can’t wrap my brain around. You’re basing this decision off the half-cocked way your family has approached parenting, but you might be different. Hell, look at how awesome you were with your sisters.”

I scoffed. “Yeah, and look how they turned out. Dani’s a way better fit for this, and I’m just glad to be able to give it to her.” I shrugged. “I don’t expect you to understand, Michelle, because it’s not a normal way for a mother to think or feel, but trust me when I say, this isn’t a decision I rushed into. I’ve thought about it and thought about it then thought about it some more. This is something she wants more than anything in the whole world. This was my worst fear come true. Do the math—who’s better equipped to be a mother?” I chuckled.

Michelle eyed me but thankfully dropped the subject. “Whose car are you taking to Florida?”

“We’re taking Alissa’s Navigator. She’s got the most room for all of our crap,” Chance said.

Dani looked at her. “I’m not taking much, are you?”

Chance shook her head. “No, I’m taking two suitcases of stuff, but that’s it. And Chubs, of course.”

“My theory is we’ll pack light for the trip down, because you know we’ll be shopping and buying all kinds of clothes.”

Chance chuckled. “I keep thinking I need to pack winter clothes, but it won’t be cold down there.”

“Well, it gets kind of chilly down there,” Dani said.

Chance leveled her eyes at her. “Chilly and freeze-your-face-off-cold are two very different things. Personally, I can’t wait to leave this tundra for the winter.”

I said, “I just can’t wait to see the house in person. The pictures online look amazing. Three bedrooms, beachfront—oh, it will be glorious to sit on the balcony and watch the sun come up over the ocean.”

Michelle gaped. “Damn, dude, how much did that set you back?”

I laughed. “Well, it’s not cheap, but you know me: go big or go home.”

Chance waved her hands. “I don’t even want to know. I’m trying not to feel guilty about freeloading off of you for six months.”

Dani looked at her. “Are you not going to try to freelance while you’re down there?”

She shrugged. “Yeah, I’m still hoping to do something, but it won’t be anything like my income from the station.”

Michelle asked, “So what happened there? How did you get demoted?”

Chance bit her lip and rolled her eyes. “Oh, I had a small breakdown after seeing Tony and bailed on the road crew. Stuart was less than impressed and pulled me off the anchor position. I should have just quit then, but I wanted to bank more money for the Florida trip, so I stuck it out.”

Michelle shook her head. “It’s truly amazing how different our lives are and that we’re even still friends.”

Chapter Twenty-Nine

Criminal

Michelle

Sometimes, rare as they are, the financial differences between all of us come to the forefront. I know Chance and Alissa make a huge effort to keep their financial freedom on the DL, but I had to scoff when Chance decided to work for the last three months to bank money for Florida. I’ve been scouring sales ads to cut corners just to feed our family, and she’s putting everything into a vacation fund. Granted, she doesn’t have a family; she doesn’t even have parents anymore, so when it all comes out in the wash, I’m extremely blessed in comparison. Still wish I could have gotten a little of the money bug, though.

Life. Family. Blessings. Reality washed over me with the warmth of my fourth glass of wine as I realized I was sitting around the table well on my way to drunk with my best friends while my family was across town imploding. And Brandon was probably stretched out in bed with a smug look on his face thinking I was coming back tomorrow with my tail between my legs to beg his forgiveness. Serves him right to live on his own raising kids for a while—let him see what it’s really like and see if he can hang.

The memory of my children standing in the window with their hands pressed against the screen, tears streaming down their faces and mouths begging me not to leave them, settled in front of my mind’s eye. My heart cracked with how Martin and Gibson had probably cried themselves to sleep, and Del Ray was probably busy plotting revenge on her father. He sure was doing a good job screwing up any chances he had of having a normal son-in-law.

Chance leaned into me. “Where’d you go, Michelle? Hello?” She waved her hand in front of my face.

I shook my head and lifted my wine glass to my mouth. “Sorry, my mind wandered. What’d you say?”

Alissa chuckled. “I asked you about the job at the gym. Do you know your hours yet?”

I shook my head then laughed in spite of myself. “No, Reggie was supposed to call me on the phone that’s now shut off. Boy when Brandon wants to fuck my life up, he does a good job.”

Alissa sighed. “I’d really love to jeopardize my career just to get him back for all of this.”

I loved her big heart. She’s always been the first one to run into battle, consequences be damned, when her friends were in a fire fight. She’s been maternal her whole life, she just didn’t know it. I grinned. “Nah, you can’t do that. I’ll figure something out. Don’t underestimate me. I’m pretty smart sometimes.”

I saw Alissa wink at Chance and asked, “What’s that all about?”

Chance patted my hand. “Nothing honey. Alissa still has a crush on me, that’s all.”

Alissa snorted. “You wish.”

Dani started clearing dishes off the table, and I pushed back my chair to help when the wine stole my coordination. I stumbled and knocked my chair over before giving up the fight and landing square on my ass in the kitchen floor. Chance was the first one to laugh and extend her hand to me, but I was completely encased in a fit of giggles and had no strength to sit up. I laid on the floor laughing until tears streamed out of my eyes into my hair. Dani’s head appeared over me, which only added to the hilarity. I gasped, “I’m under interrogation. The exposed light with the head appearing. I’m innocent! Innocent!”

Chance laughed. “What on earth are you talking about, you drunk bitch?”

I screamed, “I have no idea! It was the first thing I thought of.” She pulled me into a sitting position as I gasped for air and steadied myself. “Oh shit, that was funny.”

Dani stood over me. “You good? Because I can get a blanket and pillow.”

I waved her off. “Nah, I’m good. I’m just drunk and clumsy. I wanted to help you clear the table.”

“Well, judging by that performance, I’d say that’s a big fat no.” She extended her hand and offered to help me up.

“No way can you pull all this up, sister. But thanks.” I got to my knees and used the table to steady myself as I stood. “See, I’m good.”

Chance looked at Alissa. “You know she’s a puker, right? Better give her a room close to the bathroom.”

“The guest room right across the hall from the bathroom is open,” Alissa said.

I frowned and looked at both Chances sitting in front of me. “I’m not going home with you?”

“I’ve got some errands to run in the morning, and Alissa’s going to take you to get a new phone anyway, so you can just crash here, and I’ll come get you. Is that okay?”

I shrugged. “Right now, I don’t care about anything except getting these jeans off and going to bed.”

Alissa chuckled. “I figured that was coming. You’re way too predictable, Michelle. Come on. I’ll get you set up.”

Dani stepped between them. “I’ve got her, Alissa.”

I looked at Dani as she wrapped her arm around me. “You’re really pretty, you know that? I mean, you really are.”

She grinned. “You’re such a great drunk. Off we go. Let’s get you to bed.”

The morning sun blasted right through the blinds and settled on my forehead trying to burn laser-like holes through my pounding skull. I tried to move, but my stomach resisted, so I pulled a pillow over my face and wondered how long it would take me to suffocate and if I even cared at the moment.

At least my body finally felt like my soul—dry, sick, and torn to shreds. Visions of yesterday rolled through my mind; twenty-four hours ago, I was coming home from the gym excited about a job opportunity, and within the course of eight hours, my whole life was dumped into a pile and set on fire.

Minus a few girl trips, I couldn’t remember the last time I woke up without my children being a few closed doors away. I ignored my stomach’s encouragement to stay put and rolled onto my side. There was no reason to get out of bed, nowhere to be, nothing to cook, and no sleepy children to wrap in a blanket and cuddle on the couch. The ache in my chest overtook my hangover as I wept with regret for my stand against Brandon. If I’d known twenty-four hours ago what he was truly capable of, I would never have left the house during breakfast.

But, he was being a tyrant to my children and me. Del Ray’s look on her face when he grabbed her virtually uneaten breakfast and slammed it into my stomach; Gibson’s tears rolling off his face and dripping in his plate; Martin’s paling face and quivering chin . . . no, I did the right thing for them. Now I just have to figure out what the next right thing is.

I have ten thousand dollars. I could find us a cheap apartment and pay up the rent for six months, maybe get a used couch and TV—who am I kidding. Without a steady income, I can’t support three kids on my own. And Brandon’s already indicated he has no intention of letting me have them.

But I give that two weeks at most; he’ll never be able to raise those kids like I have.

He’ll elevate Del Ray to a maternal position—a modern-day Cinderella in her own house, and she’ll be the next Alissa, guaranteed. That thought made my already-weak stomach groan. He’s too selfish to assume all the parenting responsibilities, so he’ll put her in charge of the house and the boys.

I slipped on my pants and wondered which of the lovely ladies had the pleasure of helping my drunk ass into bed last night. Judging by the room, my bet was on Dani. Alissa or Chance would have left my pants crumpled on the floor, but they’d been neatly folded next to my shoes and socks. I sat on the bed and stared at the closed door in front of me. It seemed symbolic to my life right now—so near yet shut off from everything. My rolling stomach notified me my time in this room was short.

I finished praying to the porcelain god, showered, and when I got out, fresh clothes were laying on the sink with a note from Alissa.
Try these on. I bet they’ll fit, skinny Minnie.
I grinned and eyed a pair of Alissa’s yoga pants and t-shirt. They looked so tiny when I held them up, and I didn’t know if I could take their rejection if they didn’t fit, but I didn’t have many options at the moment. I slipped into the clothes and stood back from the mirror to see the damage.

Looking back at me was a slender, well-toned woman I didn’t recognize. Wearing clothes that actually fit me exposed the drastic change in my body—one I hadn’t been willing to see until this morning. I grinned in spite of myself and bit my lip as I ran my hand over my hourglass figure. The T-shirt was a bit tight for my liking, but it didn’t look too small. I ran my fingers through my hair and frowned. I should have let Del Ray color my hair; I should have listened when she wanted to talk to me about new cuts. I should have taken advantage of those moments I fear I’ll regret shoving to the side because there would always be more time.

I padded down the hall and caught Alissa standing in front of the Christmas tree drinking a glass of orange juice staring at something on the tree. I glanced around for Dani but didn’t see her in the room. Alissa giggled and rubbed her baby bump then said something I couldn’t understand. I did a double-take and wondered if I was dreaming; she looked . . . happy, maternal. The way she caressed her belly and the glow on her face had nothing to do with the reflection of the tree lights. I knew that look and recognized the feeling that had blanketed her body. I smiled at the sight before realization swept over me. I slowly closed my eyes and shook my head. This was my biggest fear in this whole fucked-up mess; she was getting attached to the baby she’d vowed to give to Dani in roughly five short months.

I felt bad for observing such an intimate moment meant just for her and her baby but didn’t know how to move without being busted. I faked tripping like I’d been walking and braced myself against the wall.

Alissa giggled, “Are you all right, Graceful?” She pulled her hand from her belly and walked toward me. “Rough night?”

I grimaced. “Rough year.”

She nodded. “Yeah, but it’s almost over.” She laced her arm through mine and guided me to the kitchen table. “Want some coffee or orange juice?”

I waved her off. “I better start with water.” I pointed to her stomach. “You’re not going to be able to conceal that much longer, there, sister. You’re really starting to show.”

She offered a polite smile that didn’t last long. “Yeah, I know. We’re supposed to leave on the twenty-eighth, but with everything going on with you, I’m not comfortable leaving, now.”

My head snapped back like I’d been slapped. “Alissa, you can’t be serious. I’ll be fine. You can’t
not go
to Florida and throw away all your plans just because my life turned upside down.” She placed a glass of water and two ibuprofen in front of me and took a seat at the table. “Thank you. Seriously, Lis, don’t do that. A lot is at stake if you don’t go.”

I couldn’t believe what I was saying! Here I’d bemoaned my friends leaving me to my boring, dull life, and now I had the opportunity to keep them here, and I was encouraging her to go! I shook my head and sipped the water.

Alissa said, “Dani, Chance, and I have to talk it out. We started last night, but I don’t think any of us were in any position to speak rationally after all the drama went down with Katie and the unbelievable bullshit that happened yesterday. We agreed we’d think about it this morning and talk about it more this afternoon.”

My throat tightened as I listened to Alissa. This is why they’re my life’s blood; this is why I run to them when I’m in need or seek them out when I’m not. The level of loyalty my friends showed me in good times and bad was humbling and beautiful. They had five months of sand, sun, and surf planned while waiting for Alissa’s baby to arrive, and they’re more concerned about me than they are their plans. If Alissa’s pregnancy is discovered by any of her colleagues or Mark, she’ll be humiliated. Dani’s desire to adopt this baby was palpable—anyone in the room could see the longing for that baby to grow and develop so she could hold it in her arms and love it like her own. And Chance? Well Chance just didn’t have anything better to do and no reason to stay.

Yet, they’re coming together like they always do to stand with me when my life is unraveling knowing full-well the consequences if they stay. While I wouldn’t let them do it, I was grateful they even considered staying.

I spoke when I was sure my voice wouldn’t betray me. “Let’s just see how this week goes. I’ve got your money and after today, I’ll have a phone. I’m going to look around for an apartment on Monday and—”

She cut me off. “About that. If we leave, and that’s a big if, my house will be vacant while I’m gone. I’ve got more than enough room for you and the kids here, and it wouldn’t cost you a dime.”

I gasped. “Alissa, I can’t do that. You’ve been more than generous.”

“Yes, but honey, you ain’t got shit! No offense, but Brandon has everything in that house: couches, beds, pots and pans, and if you move into a new place, you’ll blow through that ten grand in a week furnishing it.”

I laughed. “Well, I don’t know about that; you and I shop in very different places.” I winked.

She said, “Truly though, think about it. That money won’t last you as long as you think. Stay here then nothing is permanent.” She flashed a perfect smile at me. “Ta-da!”

I let my eyes wander over her elaborate home and chuckled. “I’d be scared to death to live here, Lis. You’d have to wrap everything in bubble wrap to keep it safe with me and my brood.”

She leveled her eyes at me. “I wish you wouldn’t do that. I know we have very different lives, but sometimes it’s hurtful the way you insinuate that we’re in different classes or something.”