The Butterfly Box (11 page)

Estella ran into her room where she hastily tied her hair in a plait, changed her uniform and patted her skin with cologne. She then set about making up the rooms without further delay. She hadn’t time to dwell on the sweetness of

the afternoon, the languor of their lovemaking or the passion that had made everything else seem unimportant and dispensable. When she heard the voices of the children as the door in the hallway was thrown open she gasped because they would be expecting tea and she hadn’t even begun to make it.

‘Papa, I rode a pony all by myself!’ Federica cried, rushing to her father’s side. He was in a good humour and pulled her onto his knee.

‘All by yourself, you clever monkey,’ he exclaimed and chuckled, kissing her hot cheek.

‘Hal rode too, but Mama had to lead him, he’s still too small to ride by himself. Abuelito looked after my box. He guarded it all afternoon,’ she said proudly, placing it on the table.

‘I hope you don’t forget it one of these days,’ he said.

‘Papa! I will
never
lose this box,’ she replied, astounded that he would even, for one minute, think she could mislay her most important possession.

‘Fede rode all by herself,' said Mariana, fanning herself as she wandered slowly onto the terrace.

‘You look exhausted, Mama.’ He smiled fondly at her.

‘I am, Ramon. It’s been hot and tiring. But it was lovely. We missed you,
mi amor.
¹
She sank into an easy chair.

‘Well, it’s been very quiet here,’ he said, yawning. ‘I’ve done nothing all afternoon but read Papa’s book. It’s rather good.’

‘Me alegro
.’ She sighed. ‘I’m glad you had a nice time.’

‘How about you and me go for a swim this evening before bedtime?’ suggested Ramon to Federica, suddenly wanting to make up for not having joined her for lunch.

‘Yes please, Papa,’ she enthused. ‘Abuelito can look after my box again,’ she said and watched him come out into the sunshine in his crooked panama hat. ‘Can’t you, Abuelito?’

‘What’s that, Fede?’ he replied, opening his eyes wide, pretending to look startled. Federica giggled; she loved it when her grandfather pulled faces.

‘You can look after my box while I’m swimming with Papa in the sea,’ she said.

‘Careful the crocodiles don’t eat you,’ he said humorously.

‘There are no crocodiles in the sea, silly!’ she laughed.

Estella emerged with a heavy tray of tea, cake and biscuits. Ramon helped

her unload it onto the table. Their eyes met and there passed between them the silent bond of complicity. She looked the same as she had that morning except the corners of her mouth curled up with satisfaction in spite of her efforts to dissemble.

‘I think Estella has a lover in the village.' Mariana commented once the maid had retreated back into the house.

‘
Dios
, Mariana, what does it matter?’ said Ignacio, slicing the cake.

‘Oh, it doesn’t matter, Nacho, I’m just rather curious as to who it is,’ she replied, taking a cup and saucer and handing it to Helena who emerged with Hal from the dark sitting room.

‘What makes you think she’s got a lover, Mama?’ Ramon asked, amused.

‘Because she glows. It’s a woman thing. I can sense it in her step and in her eyes.’

‘You perceptive old devil,’ he laughed. Helena sat down next to Federica and lit a cigarette. The sight of her husband made her feel uneasy.

‘I might be old,
mi amor
, but I’m not a devil,’ Mariana replied, her pale grey eyes smiling at her son affectionately.

‘So what if she has a lover,’ said Ignacio, shrugging his shoulders.

‘Who’s got a lover?’ Helena asked, handing Hal a piece of cake.

‘Estella.’

‘I agree,’ she replied. ‘It’s a woman thing, as Mariana says. It’s in her eyes.’

Ramon laughed heartily. ‘Good girl. No wonder she looks well. She looks satisfied,’ he said with pride.

‘Well, if he’s compromised her I hope he marries her. Some men aren’t as honourable as they should be,’ said Mariana sternly. ‘Poor girl, I hope she knows what she’s doing.’

Ramon chewed on the cake. ‘Good, isn’t it, Fede?’ he said, smiling down at her. She grinned up at him and nodded. Mariana watched her granddaughter and noticed that she never took her eyes off her father. She loved her mother too. Helena was a good mother. But there was a very special bond between Ramon and his daughter. She was saddened that he had to rush off and leave her all the time. She watched the child’s adoring face and felt pity for her.

The next few weeks were hot and languorous. Mariana took time to enjoy her small grandchildren and give Helena a break from domesticity. She noticed that her daughter-in-law was often tense and unhappy, usually when she was with her husband, for then she smoked twice as many cigarettes as usual. She also noticed, however, that she was constantly watching him. When she spoke it was for his benefit and when he didn’t react she would go silent as if intent on forcing a reaction. At times Ramon barely acknowledged her presence. But Mariana refused to believe that their marriage was disintegrating and put it down to the natural estrangement bred during their long months apart.

Federica and Hal played on the beach, dipped in the cold sea and entertained themselves drawing pictures and showing them to their proud grandparents and parents who applauded them and loved them, making them feel cherished and secure.

Ignacio watched his son with increasing gloom. He disguised his pessimism behind the face of a clown that he put on for his grandchildren to play the fool. But inside he knew that unless his son settled down and looked after his family properly, Helena really would leave him. He wondered whether that would mean she would leave Chile altogether. It would break their hearts if she took her precious children to England. They would grow up on another shore, with other grandparents and forget their Chilean family. It would be all Ramon’s fault. He was selfish and irresponsible. That marriage had been doomed right from the start.

Ramon’s liaisons with Estella were snatched whenever they were able to steal some time alone together. She would creep into his room in the middle of the night when moonlight bathed the bed in silver and the scents of jasmine and eucalyptus rose up on the heat to wrap them in their heady perfume. They would make love in the secrecy of the small hours when the rest of the house were far away in their private worlds of dreams. At first Estella had captured Ramon’s curiosity and desire; she never even hoped to capture his heart. But little by little, in those magic moments when they lay together separated only by their skin, Ramon felt a strange power within her that ensnared him and refused to let him go. He missed her when he played the husband and father during the day and longed for the languid nights when she would appear to

love him again. He saw her face whenever he closed his eyes and felt her presence long before she entered the room. Her unique scent of roses clung to his nostrils and reminded him of their passion and their tenderness and he longed to carry her away with him.

Christmas came and went. His two brothers, Felipe and Ricardo, joined them with their wives and children, so that Federica and Hal had their small cousins to play with and the house disintegrated into a large playroom with toys scattered over the floors and laughter echoing through the rooms. It was only after they had left that Ramon and Helena sat down with Mariana and Ignacio to inform them of their plans.

‘We’re separating,’ Ramon announced flatly, staring at the floor so that he didn’t have to suffer his mother’s disappointment. There followed a heavy pause during which Mariana’s eyes welled with tears and Ignacio rubbed his chin trying to think of something to say. Helena had lit a cigarette and smoked it nervously, hoping that they wouldn’t see her as the villain of the plot.

Finally, Ignacio spoke. ‘When are you going to tell the children?’ he asked.

‘Do you have to tell the children?’ Mariana choked, wiping her eyes. ‘They’ll be so hurt, especially Federica. Can’t you just go on the way you are? You barely see each other as it is.’

‘Helena wants to take them back to England,’ said Ramon accusingly. Helena stiffened.

‘To England?’ Mariana gasped. She felt winded, as if someone had punched her in the stomach. She tried to breathe regularly but her breaths were short and shallow.

‘I feared the worst,’ said Ignacio.

‘All the way to England?’ Mariana repeated sadly, dropping her shoulders in defeat. ‘We won’t see them grow up,’ she whispered.

‘I can’t go on like this,’ Helena stammered, apologetically. ‘I want to start again.’

‘But why England, it’s so far away?’ said Mariana helplessly.

‘Only to you. To me it’s home. To me Chile is the other side of the world. We’ll come and visit and you can come and see us. Ramon will, won’t you, Ramon? You said you would,’ she replied quickly.

‘Yes, I will.’

‘You can’t desert your children, son. You spend half your life in faraway

places, England won’t be much out of your way,’ said Ignacio gruffly.

‘I don’t want to hurt the children. But I’m unhappy and they feel it,’ Helena explained weakly. ‘Ramon isn’t at home to be a proper husband and help me raise them, I can’t do it on my own. I’ve had enough of this kind of life.’

‘But doesn’t it worry you how the children are going to take it? Especially Fede, she’s so sensitive. She’ll be devastated. I just have to watch her gazing up at her father with that adoring face to know that this will break her little heart,’ Mariana sobbed, taking Ignacio’s hand for support.

Helena felt wounded; Federica loved her mother too. ‘I know. I’ve thought about that. But they’re young. I can’t live my life for my children. I have to think about me too,’ said Helena, taking a long drag with a shaking hand. She wanted to add ‘because no one else is going to’.

‘Ramon, can’t you try? Can’t you stick around at least for a few months and give it another try?’ Ignacio suggested. But he knew his powers of persuasion weren’t as strong as they once might have been.

‘No,’ Ramon replied emphatically, shaking his head. ‘It won’t work. Helena and I no longer love each other. If we stay together we’ll end up hating each other.’

Helena swallowed hard and blinked back her emotion. He had said earlier that he loved her.

‘So this is it, then?’ said Mariana sadly, lowering her head.

‘This is it,’ Helena replied, sighing heavily.

‘So when will you go?’ Ignacio asked bleakly.

Ramon looked at Helena. Helena shrugged and shook her head. ‘I don’t know yet. I suppose it will take a while to pack up our things. I’ll have to tell my parents. We’ll have to tell the children. I suppose we’ll leave as soon as we’re able to,’ she replied, then began to bite her nails with impatience. She wanted to leave right away.

‘Divorce will not be easy,’ said Mariana, thinking of the Catholic Church that prohibited it.

‘I know,’ Ramon replied. ‘We don’t want a divorce. We don’t want to marry anyone else. We just want to be free of each other.’

‘And I want to go home,’ said Helena, surprised that she and Ramon were at last agreeing on something.

Ramon thought of Estella and wished he could take her away with him. Helena thought of the shores of Polperro and felt herself getting nearer.

‘When are you going to break it to those dear little children?’ Mariana asked coldly. She thought their actions wholly selfish. Think very carefully before you do it,’ she warned. ‘You’ll hurt them beyond repair. I hope you know what you’re doing.’

‘We’ll tell them tomorrow, before we go back to Viña,’ said Helena resolutely, watching her husband warily. How far did she have to push him? she thought, his heart must be made of stone. Mariana pulled herself up from her chair and retreated sadly into the house. She suddenly looked old.

‘At least they’ll have their grandparents around to comfort them,’ Ramon said with bitterness, looking at his wife accusingly.

‘This isn’t my fault, Ramon,' she said in exasperation. ‘You’re the one who is refusing to change.’

‘It’s no one person’s fault, Helena,’ Ignacio interrupted. ‘It’s the fault of the both of you. But if that is what you want it’s the way it has to be. It’s life and life isn’t always a bed of roses.’ Ramon wished it were a bed of Estella’s roses. ‘Tell them tomorrow and be kind,’ he added, but he knew there was no gentle way to tell children that their parents no longer loved each other.

Helena was too emotional to sleep. She sat outside beneath the stars, devouring one cigarette after another, watching the smoke waff into the air on the breeze before being swallowed up by the night. She was deeply saddened and anxious about telling her beloved children, but she knew it couldn’t be avoided. It would have been crueller to pretend nothing was wrong. They’d suspect something in the end, or at least Federica would. She imagined her daughter’s innocent face and felt a stab of guilt penetrate her heart. She dropped her head into her hands and wept. She tried to convince herself that it would all be okay once they were settled in Polperro. They would be gathered up by her parents, whom Federica had met a few times and Hal only once. They would love England and make new friends. She thanked God she had always spoken English to them, at least that was one obstacle they wouldn’t have to overcome.