The Butterfly Box (16 page)

Jake accepted it as his son had asked him to, but he never spoke about Julian or wished to see him or entertain him in his house again. Toby was mortified that suddenly a wall had been erected between them. His father had liked Julian before, but now, out of sheer prejudice, he saw him as a threat and decided to go against his initial judgement and turn against him. However, Polperro was a small village and they simply couldn’t avoid each other. When they did eventually meet one hazy Saturday morning on the quay, while Julian moored Toby’s boat,
The Helena
, and Jake walked past on his way to his own boat, they nodded politely, but that was as far as it went. Jake had acknowledged him without venturing further than his good manners pushed him. Toby was pragmatic. At least he had told them, there were no secrets to pull him down. The only road ahead was up.

Federica and Hal arrived at Heathrow airport dazed and exhausted. The flight had been long, stopping in Buenos Aires, Rio, Dakar, and finally Heathrow. Their world had been reduced to the small interior of the aeroplane for what had felt like an eternity. They had played games with the pencils and paper the air hostesses had given them and slept as much as they were able to, using their mother as a cushion and comforter combined. But they were restless hours punctuated by frustrating stops and once the novelty of flying had worn off they had both wept weary tears. Helena had tried to keep them distracted and she had even asked Federica to tell her the story of her box again just to use up a few more empty minutes with something.

Finally Toby’s long, smiling face loomed into focus, as he waved at them madly when they walked slowly out through customs. Neither Hal nor Federica recognized him. But Helena ran into his arms, the sobs spilling out of her lungs as the pressure of having to be strong for her children burst with relief. She rejoiced at the familiar feel of his body and the familiar scent of his skin. She was home. The nightmare was over.

‘I’m your Uncle Toby,’ said Toby, bending down and shaking Hal’s hand, which was immediately swallowed up by his long fingers. Hal clung onto his mother’s legs and looked at the strange man with suspicious eyes. Federica extended her hand and said ‘hello’ politely but without smiling. ‘You are even prettier than your mother described you,’ he said, taking Federica’s hand and shaking it gently. Then noticing her box he added, ‘What’s that you’re carrying?’

Federica clutched it in her hand possessively. ‘Papa gave it to me. It’s a magic box,’ she replied quietly.

‘I bet it is. You’ll need a magic box in Polperro.’ He chuckled.

‘Why?’

‘Because there are magic caves and mysterious creeks and haunted beaches,’ he said and watched her tired eyes flicker momentarily with interest.

‘Really?’ she exclaimed and her mouth lengthened into a thin smile.

‘Really. I’m very pleased you’ve brought your box,’ he said, then stood up. ‘You must be exhausted, Helena. Let’s get you to the car immediately, the children can sleep on the back seat.’

Toby pushed the trolley laden with their cases, while Helena walked holding her two children by the hand. When they got to the car, Toby loaded the luggage into the back and then settled the children on the rear seat, which he had prepared with pillows and rugs. It was a long seven-hour drive to Polperro. ‘I can’t believe you’ve put all this together for the children,’ said Helena gratefully. ‘They’ll sleep like kings in there.’

‘It’s an arduous drive. Poor lambs, they look shattered and bewildered,’ said Toby, shutting the door. Federica closed her eyes and leant her aching head against the pillow. She had no time to reflect on her situation for sleep overcame her, numbing her senses like a drug.

‘Oh Toby. I can’t tell you what I’ve been through. I’ve left Ramon and broken my children’s hearts all because I couldn’t cope any more,’ said Helena, the tears glistening in her bloodshot eyes.

‘Don’t blame yourself, Helena, it’s life. They’ll cope. Don’t worry. It’s happened to tons of children before them and they’ve survived,’ he said, patting her on her arm. ‘Now do get in or you’ll catch a cold. I don’t imagine you thought of bringing coats,’ he said, looking at her shivering in her sweater and slacks.

She shook her head bleakly. ‘Of course not, it’s midsummer in Chile,’ she said, thinking suddenly of Ramon and wondering what he was doing.

‘When the children are asleep you can tell me all about it,’ he said, climbing into the car.

Helena watched the grey cloud hang low in the sky like a shroud and yet it didn’t make her feel depressed as bad weather often did, but gave her a contented feeling of reassurance. It was all so familiar and so comfortable. As they drove towards the motorway she cast her eyes about her at the naked trees

with their branches stiff from the cold and the sleek black rooks that pecked at the winter fields. She remembered England like this and smiled inside.

‘It’s good to have you back, Helena,’ Toby said, glancing in the mirror to check the children were asleep. ‘Poor darlings, they’re shattered. Look.’ Helena turned her head around wearily. Hal and Federica were asleep curled up against each other like a couple of puppies. She thought of Ramon and wondered whether he was missing them or whether he had simply deleted their memories and moved on. More countries, more books, no commitments.

She sighed. ‘It’s been a while since I last talked to you. How’s Julian?’ she asked, staring at the moving ground in front of them, blinking away her fatigue.

‘Julian’s doing well. He spends a lot of time in London on assignments. He’s getting lots of work and becoming rather successful. He’ll be keeping me in my old age,’ he chuckled.

‘Lucky old you!’

‘Not really. Dad’s the same.’

‘That doesn’t surprise me. He’s a man’s man. Proud with it. He probably blames himself,’ she said.

‘It undermines his own masculinity.'

‘He’ll come round one day, don’t expect miracles. There are far more important things to get upset about. You haven’t killed anyone.’

‘No, not yet.’ He smiled. ‘But it’s been two years since I told him and he still hasn’t spoken to Julian. When Julian first arrived in Polperro he was only too happy to embrace him into the family as my friend. He was charmed by him. How narrow-minded can a person be to ostracize someone because of their sexuality, which is a private matter anyway? Especially as he liked Julian very much as a person.’

‘That hurts, doesn’t it?’ said Helena, noticing his white knuckles grip the steering wheel in frustration.

‘Yes, only because we’ve always been so close. It’s not the same now. You’ll see.’

‘He just pretends Julian doesn’t exist?’

‘Yes.’

‘How does Julian feel?’ she asked, trying to take an interest but all she could think about was her own pain.

‘He’s so laid back, he doesn’t care. He’s far too interested in his photography to worry about whether Dad likes him or not. Anyhow, he’s thirty-five

years old, he’s seen it all before and it doesn’t faze him. I mind for me, that’s all.’

‘Dad probably feels you’ve been led astray by an old pervert.’ She watched Toby’s mouth twist into a reluctant smile.

‘Hardly old, Helena.’

‘Seven years older than you. To Dad you’re still a baby.’

‘Well, this baby knows what he wants.’

‘Then that’s fine. To hell with Dad. Who cares! As long as you’re happy. You have to think of yourself, you know, and not live your life for other people,’ she said, considering her own situation and the two heartbroken children who slept innocently on the back seat.

‘We both have to think of ourselves, Helena. No one else is going to,’ he replied gravely then fell silent and watched the grey road stretch bleakly out in front of them.

Helena and Toby had always shared all their secrets. Even though he was younger than his sister by two years he had always been more mature than other boys his age. That’s what comes of keeping secrets, it wears one out and makes one furtive, Helena reflected. She had known Toby was gay long before he had decided to tell his parents. She had always known he wasn’t interested in girls, that he was happier with his books on worms and beetles than going to nightclubs. It wasn’t that he was frightened of women, he wasn’t. He adored his sister, admired his mother and had lots of good girl friends. Toby just wanted their friendship; the idea of physical contact was as alien to him as football. When Helena’s friend Annabel Hazel fell in love with him, crying hopeless tears of unrequited love onto her shoulder, Helena began to wonder whether Toby might be gay. He never dated anyone. He could hardly marry one of his unfortunate beetles. Helena was usually too distracted by her own desires to have the time to notice anyone else’s, but Toby’s sexuality intrigued her and wrenched her out of herself. She watched him closely. It was in the Chilean summer of 1972, that Toby had flown out to spend a few weeks with his sister who had settled happily into married life with Ramon.

Helena was distressed to see that Toby had grown fat with misery and taut with anxiety. He was suppressing his feelings and choking on his efforts. He was unemployed and unhappy and his usually buoyant smile could barely manage

to float. They walked up and down the beach and talked as they had never talked before. Toby spoke of his difficulty in finding a job in London, how the fumes of the cars made him sick and the noise made him nervous. ‘I just don’t feel me any more,’ he explained hoarsely.

‘Well, you’re not going to get a boyfriend by being miserable,’ Helena said nonchalantly. Toby stared at her, his face at once pink and white and his eyes full of terror. ‘It’s okay to be gay, you know,’ she continued and smiled at him in understanding. ‘You’re still my darling Toby.’ Toby sat down on the sand and put his head into his fumbling hands and sobbed as he hadn’t done since his dog, Jessie, had been run over that hideous winter morning fifteen years before. Helena sat next to him and placed her arms around him. ‘You’re fat because you’re not happy, you’re not happy because you’re confused. You always have been. That’s why you went to London because you couldn’t cope with your secret in Polperro. I don’t blame you.’ She laughed. ‘That town is way too small for you. But you know, it’s where you belong and it’s where you’ll be happy-’

‘I know.’ He sniffed. ‘I want to go home. I hate London. But,’ he sighed heavily as if the weight of his secret was being released through his breath. ‘I

want to be loved like everyone else.’

‘And you will be. There are lots of gay people all over London, all over the world. You only have to have the courage to find them.’ Toby turned and looked at his sister with shiny blue eyes that resembled a clear sky after a heavy rainfall.

‘How come you knew?’ he asked.

‘Because I know you. Because I care,’ she said. ‘I’ve known for a long time. Ever since you rebuffed Annabel Hazel. I began to think about it then. You never dated anyone, you were more interested in those wretched insects of yours. I thought there was something strange about that. No one else did, mind you, because you had always been eccentric. But no one was as close to you as I was.’

‘Still are,’ he said and smiled with a gratitude that made her eyes water with emotion.

‘So,’ she said, blinking happily, ‘if we’re going to get you a boyfriend we’ve got to get you looking good. You’re far too fat!’ Toby laughed bashfully. ‘The diet starts today, and you’re staying more than a month. Ramon and I aren’t travelling again until March and I’m not sending you back to London until

you’re ready, understand?’ He nodded. ‘Love is the best thing in the world. I want you to have the sort of love I have,’ she added.

‘For the first time ever I feel it’s possible,’ Toby replied, taking her hand and squeezing it. Suddenly he felt lighter and more positive. As they walked back up the road to Cerro Castillo where Ramon and Helena had a beautiful house overlooking the sea, Toby felt as if he was seeing the world for the first time in many years. He wanted to take a boat out and lie under the sun, rocking gently on the waves, gazing out onto the horizon that suddenly held so many promises he wanted to run to it and embrace it.

Toby looked across at Helena who now lay sleeping against the seat belt, her troubled eyes shut to the turmoil of the last month, dreaming of better times no doubt. Her breathing was slow and deep as if even in sleep she recognized the familiar air of her home country. How life has its ups and downs, he thought, at least after a down one can only go up. He glanced at the children in the mirror and noticed the gentle stirring of their bodies as they left the comfort of their secret worlds to open their eyes onto unfamiliar countryside. He wished it were spring, then England wouldn’t look so bleak.

Federica sat up and blinked out of the window at the passing fields, scattered white with a thin covering of frost.

‘Are we nearly there?’ she asked.

‘Not quite, Fede,’ he replied jovially. ‘Tell me about your magic box?’ he asked, watching her open and close it absentmindedly.

She sighed and her face lengthened sadly. ‘All right,’ she said, recalling her father’s secure embrace and inwardly wincing because with that memory invaded the less pleasant one of the conversation she had overheard in Cachagua. But as she began to tell him the story of the Inca princess the colour returned to her cheeks and her spirits lifted. By the time they stopped for lunch in a quaint village pub she no longer felt sad but intrigued. Intrigued by all that was new about her.