The Calendar of New Beginnings (23 page)

He’d picked Lucy up at eight o’clock, over three hours ago, after dropping Danny off at school. One look at her pale face had told him she’d slept no better than he had. She mumbled that she was lucky not to have class in the afternoon, then stayed silent for most of the drive to Denver. So did he. About an hour into it, she finally broke the silence to say her mom had texted to ask why her car was still on the street in front of their house. The lie she’d responded with was at least encased in truth. She’d told Ellen that Andy had taken her home after a few drinks at his house.

Andy assured her that he and Matt would drive her car back to Merry Cottage after the appointment. The bigger question was what she’d do if she couldn’t drive, but neither of them put voice to that. Instead, he reached out and held her hand, and didn’t let it go until they arrived.

Now he was gritting his teeth in the waiting room. Andy hadn’t asked to accompany her inside Dr. Davidson’s office, and when she hadn’t offered, he’d steeled himself to wait.
 

After what seemed like an eternity, Lucy returned from the back of the building. She looked in his direction, and he watched as her chest rose and fell on a deep exhale. Then she squared her shoulders and walked over to him. There were other people in the waiting room, but he didn’t care. He pulled her into his arms. She folded against him like sails dropped when the wind went out of them.

The news wasn’t good.

When they finally released each other, he led her out of the doctor’s office to the parking garage. He remained silent until he steered the car above-ground.

“It’s almost lunchtime,” he said, turning away from the office building.
 

“I’m not hungry,” she said, leaning her head against the back of the seat like all her energy had been zapped.

“I know you don’t want to eat, but you need to keep up your strength,” he said as gently as he could. “Did you eat breakfast?”

She shook her head. “Oh, you’re probably hungry. Feel free to stop and get something. Unless we need to get back right away to pick Danny up from school.”

The tension inside him was rising. “Jane is going to pick him up.”
 

He’d known better than to ask his mother. She would have asked all sorts of questions about this impromptu trip to Denver, which would make their way back to Ellen. As far as he knew, Lucy still planned to keep her condition from her parents. In fact, he was starting to wonder if she was going to tell
him
the whole story. So far she hadn’t said a word about the appointment.

“I’m going to stop at a café I like and grab a sandwich,” he said, heading in that direction. “Maybe something there will sound appealing to you.”

“I won’t starve if I miss a few meals,” she replied in the most forlorn voice she’d ever used with him. “Trust me. I know what it takes for that to happen.”

Jesus. She was spiraling into serious depression right in front of him. “All right. I don’t know what to say to you now, but why don’t we start with you telling me what Dr. Davidson said?”

“He said he couldn’t see any clinical reason for this sudden fluctuation in my vision,” she said with an edge in her voice. “Apparently, sometimes it’s a patient’s
perspective
that causes them to see fluctuations.”

The ire in her voice could have punctured a tire. “What else?”

She threw out her hands. “He made me feel like I was imagining things. I’m not crazy! I see what I see. And my vision got worse after my fight with my mom. Of course, he gave me this BS song and dance about how important timing is for diagnosis. He might have seen something yesterday, but it wasn’t there today.”

Andy kept his face neutral. He understood what Dr. Davidson was saying. It wasn’t possible to confirm heart palpitations after the fact using an EKG.

“Dr. Davidson did confirm their ‘presumptive’ diagnosis that my optical nerve had been damaged. Yay, right? Today the nerve finally looked white, which shows after the initial injury.”

A healthy nerve looked golden, Andy knew. “Well, that’s something.”

“Is it?” she railed. “My color vision still sucks. We did those stupid color panels again. Those kimchi hara things.”

“Ishihara?” he asked.

“Whatever. They’re stupid, and I failed. I couldn’t distinguish a red number or letter in a sea of orange dots or a blue one in a bunch of green dots.”

Personally Andy thought the color test was ingenious—the inventors had found a way to keep the brain from making guesses on the colors. “Your color vision can still improve, Lucy.”

“But it hasn’t since the first couple of weeks after my injury! I mean, sure, I can close my right eye and look with my left, but I’m not supposed to. And right now, my brain isn’t accurately computing what it sees when I’m looking with both eyes like a normal person. Maybe it will never adjust. Dammit!” She kicked the glove compartment.

His stomach flipped at her violence. “What else did he say?” he asked as calmly as possible.

“Dr. Davidson said I can still drive. The vision in my left eye is twenty-twenty like it used to be. My right eye is the same twenty-fifty it was when I had my last appointment.”

He knew better than to try and point out that the doctor’s news could have been much worse. It would be like pointing out to someone who’d lost a kidney that they still had one functioning. He didn’t want to be the “you should be grateful” asshole.
 

“Dr. Davidson said it’s still all a waiting game,” she continued, tracing the window’s edge. “Things could continue to improve. We need more time to see.”

How many times had he told a patient the same thing?

“Don’t take this personally, but sometimes you doctors suck. I don’t know why we even drove all this way. He had nothing useful to say, beyond implying I was a crazy psychosomatic woman. You took a day off for nothing, and I’m sorry.”

“I know it seems like this didn’t produce anything useful,” he said, reaching across the console for her hand, “but you confirmed a diagnosis. That’s huge! And it was smart to check things out.”

She scoffed.

“Lucy, I would take off a week if it were necessary. You’re not alone here. As for doctors sucking, I pretty much thought the same thing about all of Kim’s doctors in the end. Not to mention myself. There are limits to what we can do, and I freaking hate that.”

She curled her fingers around his hand and gripped it suddenly. “I’m sorry. I’m stirring things up for you, and I don’t mean to. And I don’t mean to be angry and pathetic either. I keep trying to tell myself I’m going to be fine, but all I can think about is not being able to take photos like I used to. See the world like I used to. I know I should try to teach myself a new way, but it’s going to take a while. Mostly, I just want to curl into a ball and cry. It’s not fair.”

“So you stay in Dare Valley as long as you need and figure it out,” he said, stopping at a red light. “There are worse places to be. You have me and your family.”

There was a decided sniff in the car. “I don’t feel like I have much of anything right now, but you’re right. I guess I’m going to have to find a new way to think about my mom. I’d be an idiot to fight with one of the few people in my camp.”

“I still think she’ll be easier to deal with if you tell her the truth,” he said, pulling into the parking lot of the café.

“No, she won’t,” Lucy said in a hard tone. “She’ll treat me like I’m a child and insist on doing everything from driving me around to making my meals. All the while she’ll tell me this is for the best because it was never safe for me to be overseas in the first place. I can’t do that.”

He schooled his features as he left the car, only to realize she wasn’t getting out with him. Going over to the passenger side, he lowered his head until he could see her through the window.

“Are you going to come inside?” he asked through the glass.

She shook her head, burrowing in the seat.

His patience was wearing thin, so he didn’t open the door and cajole her. Kim would have dragged herself out of the car, as much for him as for their son, who had been so young at the time of her diagnosis.

When he opened the door to the café, he reminded himself Lucy wasn’t Kim. He needed to tailor his support to fit
her
. After finding a table, he ordered a Reuben and ate it by himself, mulling over the issue. He was tempted to order Lucy something, but he didn’t want to force food on her. She was already bristling over her version of how Ellen would treat her. No, force wasn’t the way.

He kept an eye on her in his SUV, but she hadn’t moved in the seat. Was she asleep? He doubted it. The sandwich had about as much flavor as gravel since his taste buds weren’t firing this morning, a common effect of stress in the body. He finished off the meal because it was fuel, asked for two to-go cups of water, and then walked back to the car. Barely fifteen minutes had passed.

When he handed her a water, she took it, but she didn’t drink it. He put his in the cup holder and buckled up. “I’m sorry if I’m being too pushy, Luce. I…don’t always know what to do in these situations, and I can’t read your mind. You’re going to have to help me. What do you want me to do?”

“Can you just take me home?” she asked, clutching the plastic cup. “I need to do some thinking. Be by myself.”

He didn’t like the sound of that. If he left her alone, she might fall into a deeper depression. “Please do one thing for me, okay?”

She finally looked at him. “What?”

“Remember I’m your friend.” He had to swallow the lump in his throat.

“I know you are,” she whispered. “I’m just…I need space.”

Nodding, he turned on the ignition and headed to the highway that would take them back to Dare Valley. The ride back seemed as long as the one to Denver. They didn’t speak at all, and she didn’t drink the water. She only sat there, huddled in the seat with the cup clutched in her hand.

When they arrived at Merry Cottage, she crawled out of the car and headed for the front door.

“I’ll text Matt so we can pick up your car,” he told her as he followed her.

“Oh!” she said, stumbling suddenly as she turned around. “I can go with you, since Dr. Davidson said I could drive. Don’t bother him.”

His ire was growing. He hated seeing her this way. And he hated not being able to fix it.

“It’s already organized,” he told her flatly.

“Okay, thanks,” she said, shoulders slouched. “I’m sorry I’m Debbie Downer right now. I’ll snap out of it.”

That did it. He grabbed her shoulders. “You don’t have to apologize to me for feeling how you feel.”
 

Then, without pausing to consider the ramifications, without planning it like he planned almost everything, Andy Hale kissed her smack on the mouth and released her.
 

“Now, go inside and rest.”

He headed back to the car, taking deep breaths. Lucy just stood there in the shade of the front door, and he could see her press a hand to her mouth as he pulled out of the driveway. It was then he fully realized he’d kissed Lucy O’Brien for the first time.
 

“Oh, shit.”

Chapter 15
      

If being accused of being psychosomatic wasn’t bad enough, Andy Hale had just kissed her for the first time. In all the years they’d been friends, he’d never
once
kissed her on the mouth. Friends didn’t do that in the U.S. of A. Sure, they did it in other countries, but Lucy could rattle those off by name. It sure as hell wasn’t ordinary here in Dare Valley.

It had been a fast kiss, driven by reflex or subconscious instinct. She hadn’t seen it coming, and it had been over before she’d processed what was happening.

But even though it had felt a little weird, it had felt a little right too. Her lips were still warm and tingly from the unexpected contact.

She watched Andy drive away, wondering if she should call him and ask him what the hell had just happened. But she was too tired and vulnerable right now. Maybe she’d feel more prepared to face him after she took a nap.

And so when she heard the crunch of tires in her driveway a little while later, she stayed where she was, lying on the brass princess bed that had caused all that weirdness with Andy in the first place.

She supposed something had changed between them that night.
 

She could finally admit to herself she was attracted to the man he’d become, the man who would swap ice cream cones with her. Who would make her laugh and bare his soul to her. Who smelled of pine and earth. Whose embrace made her want to lean into him forever. She’d loved him for as long as she could remember, but it was strange to feel a new kind of love for him. That feeling, so unexpected and disarming, made her want to open the door when he knocked softly. But she ignored it, and moments later, she heard a car drive away.

Everything was changing. Everything was falling apart. She’d come to Dare Valley in the hopes that it would give her clarity, but while she knew these streets and these faces, the path ahead was still shrouded in fog. And coming home after so much time away had only shown her how very different everything was…

Andy, for one. He’d kissed her, and now they were going to have to talk about it. If that kiss meant he wanted to be more than friends, she’d have to seriously consider it. She
wanted
to consider it. But she needed to emphasize yet again that she still intended to leave Dare Valley and resume her career.