The Captain's Christmas Family (7 page)

Carefully she scanned the shelves looking for some
thing new to read. Twice she pulled down books and read the first page only to put them back when neither piqued her interest. Whatever she chose, she feared it would suffer in comparison to
Robinson Crusoe.

At last the clock chimed nine. Marian told herself to choose a book and go. If one of the girls had been here in her place, she would have accused them of dawdling.

Forcing herself to take action, she pulled a copy of
The Vicar of Wakefield
off the shelf and headed for the door. Just as she reached for the knob, it turned and the door swung inward to reveal Captain Radcliffe. The sudden meeting made them both start, but the sight of him brought Marian a bewildering rush of happiness along with an almost painful self-consciousness at being so close to him with no one else around.

Marian retreated a few steps to give the captain room to enter. “Good evening, sir. I just came to return the book I borrowed and select another.”

Caution warned her she should not linger alone with the captain; but now that he was here, she did not relish the prospect of leaving.

Fortunately, he gave her an excellent excuse to stay for at least a few more minutes. “I hope you enjoyed the adventures of Robinson Crusoe.”

“Very much. I must admit, I pictured Mr. Crusoe looking and sounding very much like you, especially after you told the girls and me about your adventures sailing around the world.”

“Did you, indeed? Well, well.” The captain seemed more embarrassed than flattered.

“Ever since I first read that book, I felt a kinship with the character,” he confessed.

Could that be because he’d felt so isolated and lonely, even with many people around? Marian sensed he might harbor such feelings. For his sake, as much as the children’s, she longed to breach the invisible barrier around him and bring them together…if only he would let her. “Speaking of books, do I take it you have been revisiting the one I mentioned, Captain?”

He gave a rather shame-faced nod. “I suppose I gave myself away with that little lecture to the children on Sunday. Indeed I have been delving into the Bible again and finding more within its pages to engage me than I ever expected. I have gained a deep appreciation for the wisdom of your choice.”

“I am pleased to hear it.” Marian was more than pleased to think she might have helped Captain Radcliffe see that God was not as distant and disinterested as he had long supposed. “I respect your willingness to keep an open mind.”

If only he could do the same where Cissy and Dolly were concerned. Though in their case she felt it was more important for him to keep an open
heart.

“If there is nothing more, sir, I should be getting back.”

“Actually, there is something, Miss Murray, if you would oblige me for a few minutes more. I have a proposal to make.”

Proposal?

The captain must have noticed her stunned expression, for he hastened to rephrase his request. “That is…a proposition…I mean…there is a matter I wish to discuss with you…about the children.”

“Of course, Captain.” Marian welcomed any excuse
to stay, though she still tingled from the rush of astonishment his use of the word
proposal
had provoked.

How foolish! As if a gentleman of property like him would ever think twice of someone like her…even if he wanted a wife, which Captain Radcliffe clearly did not.

She didn’t want a husband either, Marian insisted to herself. Over the years, she had lost everyone she’d ever cared about. She did not want to leave herself vulnerable to that kind of hurt again. Bad enough she had allowed Cissy and Dolly deeper into her heart than she’d ever meant to. The fear of losing them reminded her how dangerous it could be to let herself care too much.

Then her befuddlement cleared and she wondered what he meant to say about the girls. Would the captain remind her of their original agreement to keep the children away from him in exchange for permitting them to stay on at Knightley Park until after Christmas? Was he going to point out that Christmastime was fast approaching, and the New Year hot on its heels? Did he want to discuss plans for tracking down the girls’ aunt or what might be done with them if Lady Villiers could not be located?

That would certainly explain his sudden pensiveness in the nursery on Sunday. And his present anxious frown.

Those fears flooded Marian’s mind in the instant it took for Captain Radcliffe to regain his composure and continue. “My conversation with the children about past Christmas celebrations got me thinking…”

As it had her. In previous years, Cissy and Dolly’s father had made a great occasion of the season—hosting a dinner for all his tenants, the house crammed with
candles and greenery and special outings and gifts for his young daughters. If Captain Radcliffe could not be persuaded to seek guardianship of the girls, then this would be their last Christmas at Knightley Park. Marian longed to make it a memorable one for them. But she had neither the resources nor the authority to re-create the kind of celebration they were accustomed to.

She feared this Christmas might only be memorable for what it lacked…beginning with a father.

“…since this will be the children’s first Christmas without their father…” The captain’s words echoed her anxious thoughts.

Marian’s lower lip began to tremble. She wanted to beg Captain Radcliffe to reconsider whatever he was about to suggest, but she feared her voice might break or a tear might fall. After seeing how he had reacted to Cissy’s furtive tears, she did not want to make things worse for the girls by blubbering in front of their cousin.

“I can see you are inclined to disapprove, Miss Murray, but pray hear me out. I would like to do something special for the children this year to provide a distraction from any mournful thoughts that might otherwise trouble them.”

What was he saying? Marian wondered if she could trust her ears, or was she only hearing what she so desperately wanted the captain to say?

“I thought perhaps it might amuse them to re-create Christmastime as I remember it at Knightley Park.” He spoke in a rather defensive tone, as if he expected her to interrupt at any moment with a long list of ob
jections. “Feasting, decorating, music and gift giving. But I have never organized any such festivities before. I would not know where to begin.”

Bless his kind heart! Captain Radcliffe was proposing precisely the opposite of what she’d expected. He wanted the same things for Cissy and Dolly as she did.

The curdled brew of sorrow and dread inside Marian suddenly distilled into a bubbly elixir of joyful excitement, which she found even harder to contain than her tears. Those still hovered, making her eyes tingle. Only now they were tears of happiness.

“What I am trying to say, Miss Murray, is that I will need your help if I am to realize these plans. I know it may mean extra work for you and perhaps you do not approve of any activities that might excite the girls or disrupt the orderly running of the nursery. But I would be heartily grateful if you would be so kind as to assist me.”

The captain rushed through this last part as if he feared she would refuse if he stopped for breath—when instead she was fairly bursting with eagerness. By the time he paused to let her answer, her feelings had grown too volatile to contain.

“Of course I will!” Letting the book in her hands drop to the floor, she flew toward him and threw her arms around his neck as she had not done with anyone since her childhood. “I shall be delighted to help you in any way I can. Thank you, Captain! Thank you!”

It felt so natural to embrace him, soaking in his resolute strength, inhaling his brisk, briny scent. Yet Marian realized almost immediately that it was wrong.

Even with a family member or close friend, such an
unrestrained gesture would be questionable. But with the master of the house in which she was employed, a man with whom she was barely acquainted, it was an act of the most grievous impropriety.

One that might cost her everything she cared about.

W
hen Miss Murray threw herself at him with such joyous abandon, Gideon had no idea what to do.

He was not accustomed to physical contact, least of all a hearty embrace from a very attractive woman. Before he could make any conscious decision, his body reacted on instinct. His muscles tensed and he drew back.

The instant he did, part of him wished he hadn’t. The soft warmth of her touch promised to restore something he’d been missing for a very long time. The scent of her hair put him in mind of a freshly washed handkerchief just taken off a clothesline on a summer’s day.

Of course, it would not have been proper to wrap his arms around her and hold her close, as part of him longed to. He respected Miss Murray far too much to do anything that might frighten her or compromise her reputation. But could he not have held still and let her cling to him for as long as she would?

There was no use speculating now for the damage was done. The moment he tensed, Miss Murray jumped
back like a scalded cat, refusing to meet his gaze, stammering apologies.

“Forgive me, Captain! I didn’t mean…I never should have…” With every word the northern lilt of her accent grew stronger. “I was just so happy to hear what you wanted…?.”

She looked so distraught and mortified by her behavior that Gideon forgot all about his own feelings on the matter, anxious only to protect hers. “Please, Miss Murray, I understand. And I assure you I am not offended. You took me by…surprise, that’s all.”

She scarcely seemed to hear him over her own condemnation. “I don’t know what came over me. I’ve never done anything like this before.”

Could her reaction to what she’d done involve more than regret for the impropriety? Gideon wondered if she found such close contact with him repellent. Or perhaps she realized what could have happened if he’d been a less honorable man.

Stooping to the floor, she groped for the book she’d dropped. “If you will excuse me, Captain, I must be going.”

Miss Murray made a rush for the door, clearly expecting he would move out of her way. This time Gideon held his ground. If he let her go before they had resolved this awkward incident, he feared his Christmas plans might fall by the wayside.

“Please stay a few minutes more. I beg you not to reproach yourself for…your actions. I assure you, I do not.”

When she realized he intended to stay put, Miss Murray staggered back as if she had struck an invis
ible wall. “You are very understanding, sir. I promise you, nothing like that will ever happen again.”

Her reassurance brought Gideon a stab of disappointment, but he did not dare let his true feelings show. “I hope this one small…lapse in self-control will not prevent us from working together to make this a merry Christmas for my young cousins.”

His appeal on behalf of the children seemed to penetrate her barrier of self-recrimination. Inhaling a deep breath and squaring her shoulders, Miss Murray met his gaze. “If that is what you wish, Captain, I can assure you it will not.”

“Very good.” A powerful wave of relief threatened to swamp Gideon, but he took pains to conceal it from Miss Murray. “Since we have barely a fortnight to lay our plans, I believe we should arrange to meet again and discuss what needs to be done.”

She gave a solemn nod. “I agree, sir. When would you like us to meet next?”

Miss Murray was more than solemn. It seemed as if she had reverted to the stern-faced governess he’d encountered when he’d first returned to Knightley Park. This woman would never think of teasing him about gothic novels. Nor would she permit herself to become so overjoyed that she would throw her arms around him. Gideon considered that a pity.

He had been inclined to suggest they sit down and start making plans immediately. Now he wasn’t so sure that would be a good idea. Perhaps they both needed time to let the memory of that impulsive embrace fade a little.

“Tomorrow evening at this time?” he suggested.
Then, lest Miss Murray suspect he was anxious to spend time alone with her, he added, “I would prefer to keep all this as a surprise for the children, until the time gets closer…if you don’t mind.”

“Not at all.” She clasped the book in front of her chest like a shield. “If Dolly found out what you’re planning too soon, she would get so excited I’d be up until midnight getting her to sleep. Then we would never be able to meet. So back here tomorrow night, then. At eight o’clock?”

Her gaze flitted from him to the library door and back again.

He deduced what she wanted and stepped aside to let her pass.

“I look forward to it, Miss Murray.” As he spoke those words, Gideon realized he meant them far more than the usual hollow pleasantry.

The next day Marian tried to keep as busy as possible so she would not fall to brooding about the thoughtless indiscretion she’d committed. Of course, that meant keeping the girls busy, too, which did not sit well with Dolly.

“Why are you making us work so hard, Miss Marian? Is it punishment for being naughty? What did we do?”

“I haven’t been naughty,” Cissy protested before Marian could reply. “It’s not fair if I’m being punished for something Dolly did. You should just make her sit in the corner.”

Dolly stuck her tongue out at her sister. “I’d rather sit
in the corner than do all this work. It would be a good rest.”

“You haven’t been naughty.” Marian came between the children before they tried to take out their frustration on each other. “Though making faces at your sister is highly impolite and I expect you to apologize. Your lessons weren’t intended as punishment. I didn’t realize how hard I was making you work.”

She must stop this foolish preoccupation with Captain Radcliffe. It was having an adverse affect on her dealings with the girls, and she could not permit that. Cissy and Dolly mattered more to her than anything. “I’ll tell you what. Since you’ve managed to do a whole day’s work this morning, you can spend the afternoon enjoying yourselves. We’ll go out for a walk in the garden, then later we can go down to the music room and practice on the pianoforte. What do you say to that?”

“Practice?” Dolly wrinkled her nose. “That sounds like more work.”

“What if I cut your practice shorter, then I play some music for you to sing and dance to? Would that be better?”

Both girls nodded eagerly.

“Let’s get ready then.” Marian beckoned them up from their work and supervised their dressing for outdoors.

With the help of the nursery maid, she made sure the girls put on thick wool stockings, sturdy half boots, cloaks, bonnets and gloves, for the day was clear and cold enough that the lake had frozen over.

“Can we go skating?” pleaded Dolly after they’d gotten outside.

Marian shook her head. “I’m certain the ice won’t be thick enough yet. If it stays as cold as this for another fortnight, it should be safe.”

Perhaps that was something she should mention to the captain at their meeting in the evening. The late Mr. Radcliffe had enjoyed every sort of outdoor activity, and skating was one in which he’d been able include his young daughters. Marian had preferred to watch from the shore, not trusting her balance on those slender metal blades.

Looking ahead to the evening, a sense of acute embarrassment overwhelmed her again. But it could not entirely stifle the sparkle of anticipation at spending time with Captain Radcliffe.

In the course of their brief acquaintance she had come to appreciate a number of fine qualities he possessed. He was hardworking, dependable and well-read. Though rather solitary and self-reliant, he could tell an entertaining story and keep up a most engaging conversation when he tried. He had a streak of ironic wit, often at his own expense, that was all the more amusing for being so unexpected.

But none of those things drew her to him as much as his kindness and willingness to forgive. After the way she’d behaved last night, the captain would have been well within his rights to demand her removal from his house. At the very least, he could have changed his mind about his Christmas plans for the girls. But he’d done neither of those things, choosing instead to excuse
her outrageous conduct and seeking to ease her shame over it.

She almost wished he would do something to lessen her liking for him before it grew to threaten her happiness.

After an invigorating walk, she and the girls returned to the house for steaming cups of chocolate and currant buns warm from the oven. When Martha set down the tray she had fetched from the kitchen, Marian spied a letter propped up against the chocolate pot. She snatched it up, recognizing the handwriting at once.

“Who sent it,” asked Cissy, “one of your friends from school?”

Marian nodded as she broke the seal. “I have no other correspondents, as you know.”

That reminded her she must get busy writing her own Christmas letters to her friends. She was certain they would all want to know how her master’s unexpected passing had affected her and her young pupils.

“Which one is it from?” Dolly said, helping herself to a bun. “Miss Beaton in the Cotswolds? Miss Fletcher in Kent? Or is it the one in Lancashire? I forget her name.”

The girls had long been curious about the friends she had not seen for years, but with whom she faithfully exchanged letters. She had used that interest to foster their knowledge of geography.

“Miss Ellerby,” Marian reminded Dolly. “Yes, the letter is from her.”

Anxious to glance over it, she quickly filled their chocolate cups. While they all ate and drank, she skimmed Grace’s letter. After her meeting with the
captain this evening, she would read it over more carefully and perhaps begin her reply.

“But she is no longer in Lancashire,” Marian murmured as she read. “She is looking for a new position elsewhere.”

“Why?” asked Dolly, between bites of her bun. “Did she do something she oughtn’t and get dismissed?”

“Of course not.” Marian answered rather too emphatically, glancing up from the letter. “She is seeking a better position, that’s all.”

That wasn’t altogether correct, but she could not possibly confide the true reason to her innocent young charges. Although Grace had been discreet in her letter, Marian gathered her friend had been the object of unwanted attentions from her master’s brother. Poor Grace had been afflicted with a degree of beauty that might have been a great asset to her if she’d been born into a wealthier family. Instead, her looks had provoked charges of vanity at school, when nothing could have been further from the truth. Since they had completed their education and gone out into the world, this was the third time her friend been obliged to seek a new position because of difficulties with gentlemen in the household.

Would Captain Radcliffe have shirked her embrace if she’d had Grace Ellerby’s golden hair and exquisite features? Of course he would have, Marian’s reason insisted. The captain was too honorable a gentleman to take advantage of such a blunder no matter what her appearance. Reading about Grace’s difficulties made Marian all the more grateful for his restraint.

“You aren’t going to find a better position and leave
us, are you, Miss Marian?” Cissy inquired in an anxious tone.

“Of course not!” Marian folded up Grace’s letter and tucked it away to read more carefully in private. “What better position could I possibly find than here at Knightley Park with two such sweet, clever girls?”

The thought of being separated from them was like a sharp knife pressed between her ribs. But she must not worry the girls by letting on how near that danger loomed if she could not persuade Captain Radcliffe to take responsibility for them.

“Wrap your hands around your cups.” Marian picked up hers to demonstrate and to divert them. “That will warm your fingers so they won’t be too stiff to play.”

She kept up an animated chatter until they’d finished eating, then the three of them trooped down to the music room. There the girls faithfully practiced their scales and went over the new pieces they were learning. Finally, Marian showed them a little duet with a very easy part for Dolly. The girls managed to stumble through it without many mistakes.

“There,” Dolly huffed, as if she’d just finished a very strenuous chore. “Now will you play for us, Miss Marian?”

“I don’t know that it’s such a great reward.” She bent between the girls and wrapped an arm around each of them. “But if that’s what you want…”

“It is.” Cissy rose from her chair, offering it to Marian. “Play something we can dance to, but not too fast.”

She held out her hand to Dolly. “Come, you be the lady and I’ll be the gentleman. I’ll show you what to
do. First you must curtsy and I will bow. No, wait until the music starts.”

Taking that as her cue, Marian began to play, all the while watching the girls out of the corner of her eye. She stifled her laughter as Cissy tried to instruct her sister in the steps while Dolly proceeded to do just as she pleased.

After the girls tired of dancing, they came and stood on either side of her while she played several favorite tunes for them to sing.

“Now will you sing for us, Miss Marian?” Dolly leaned against her, resting her head on Marian’s shoulder.

How could she deny the child anything when she asked in such a way?

Marian’s fingers began to move almost without conscious thought and familiar words rose to her lips.
“The water is wide, I cannot get o’er and neither have I wings to fly. Bring me a boat that will carry two and I will sail my love to you.”

It astonished her that her fingers still recalled the notes to this old song, one of the first she’d ever learned. What had made her think of it now after so many years? Marian shrank from admitting why she might have chosen to sing a love song involving ships.

“A ship there is and she sails the sea. She’s loaded deep as deep can be. But not so deep as the love I’m in. And I know not how I sink or swim.”
As she continued on with the next verse and the next, Marian could not keep from imagining the events of the ballad played out by her and Captain Radcliffe.

“Must I be bound and he go free?”
The words of the
final verse sent a shiver through her. “
Must I love one that cannot love me? Why must I play such a childish part, and love a man who will break my heart?”