The Catastrophic History of You And Me (27 page)

I got up and walked over to the poem. The frame’s edges were golden, rusted, familiar. I could just barely make out my reflection in the shine of the glass. I saw my long, dark hair. Warm, rosy cheeks. My green eyes. A little older. A little wiser. I reached out and lightly touched the glass, tracing my reflection.

I was beautiful, just like Mom always said. I wished I had believed her. I wished I could tell them all again how much they’d meant to me. How much they would always mean. But more than anything else, I wished I had known just how lucky I’d been to have them in the first place.

To have lived. To have loved. To have
been
loved.

What else could a girl have ever asked for?

“Angel,” I heard Patrick whisper.

In that moment, I knew it was time.

And I was finally ready.

Then a feeling swelled in my chest—not the ripping, searing pain I’d felt when I died, but a friendly warmth, all heat and light, surging through me, erasing the scar tissue left behind by my broken heart. By the tears and sense of betrayal that Jacob and Sadie had never meant to cause. I knew that now.

I fell to my knees as all around me my room began to bend and shift and break away from the sadness. A swirling tunnel of air lifted me gently, and I looked down. I was beginning to fade.

Patrick’s voice sparkled all around me.

Take my hand
.

I took it.

Then, in my final moment here on earth, my eyes focused and settled on the last lines of my grandpa’s poem—lines that had always been special, but which I’d never truly understood until right then.

And even though I knew them all by heart, I read the words aloud anyway.

In the midst of happiness or despair

in sorrow or in joy

in pleasure or in pain:

Do what is right and you will be at peace.

In life there is no greater gift than peace,

except love.

May you always have love.

THE LYRICS, THE ARTISTS, THE ALBUMS . . .

• love is a piano dropped—ANI DIFRANCO,
  LITTLE PLASTIC CASTLE,
  RIGHTEOUS BABE RECORDS, 1998.
  
• don’t you (forget about me)—SIMPLE MINDS,
  THE BREAKFAST CLUB: ORIGINAL MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK,
  A&M, 1985.
  
• i will remember you—SARAH MCLACHLAN,
  MIRRORBALL,
  ARISTA RECORDS, 1999.
  
• take another little piece of my heart now, baby—BIG BROTHER & THE HOLDING COMPANY,
  CHEAP THRILLS,
  COLUMBIA RECORDS, 1968.
  
• the cheese stands alone—THE FARMER IN THE DELL,
  THE ROUD FOLK SONG INDEX,
  #6306.
  
• excuse me while I kiss the sky—THE JIMI HENDRIX EXPERIENCE,
  ARE YOU EXPERIENCED,
  TRACK RECORDS, 1967.
  
• the long and winding road—THE BEATLES,
  LET IT BE,
  APPLE RECORDS, 1970.
  
• ooh heaven is a place on earth—BELINDA CARLISLE,
  HEAVEN ON EARTH,
  MCA RECORDS, 1987.
  
• your love is better than ice cream—SARAH MCLACHLAN,
  MIRRORBALL,
  ARISTA RECORDS, 1999.
  
• only the good die young—BILLY JOEL,
  THE STRANGER,
  COLUMBIA RECORDS, 1977.
  
• i was walking with a ghost—TEGAN AND SARA,
  SO JEALOUS,
  SANCTUARY RECORDS, 2005.
  
• yeah I’m free, free fallin’—TOM PETTY,
  FULL MOON FEVER,
  MCA RECORDS, 1989.
  
• send me an angel—REAL LIFE,
  HEARTLAND,
  CURB RECORDS, 1983.
  
• it’s in his kiss—BETTY EVERETT,
  YOU’RE NO GOOD,
  VEE-JAY RECORDS, 1964.
  
• it must have been love—ROXETTE,
  PRETTY WOMAN: ORIGINAL MOTION PICTURE SOUNDTRACK,
  CAPITOL RECORDS, 1990.
  
• time after time—CYNDI LAUPER,
  SHE’S SO UNUSUAL,
  EPIC RECORDS, 1984.
  
• r-e-s-p-e-c-t, finds out what it means to me—ARETHA FRANKLIN,
  I NEVER LOVED A MAN THE WAY I LOVE YOU,
  ATLANTIC RECORDS, 1967.
  
• nothing compares 2 u—SINÉAD O’CONNOR,
  I DO NOT WANT WHAT I HAVEN’T GOT,
  CHRYSALIS RECORDS, 1980.
  
• you ain’t nothing but a hound dog—ELVIS PRESLEY,
  DON’T BE CRUEL,
  RCA RECORDS, 1956.
  
• total eclipse of the heart—BONNIE TYLER,
  FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF NIGHT,
  COLUMBIA RECORDS, 1983.
  
• livin’ on a prayer—BON JOVI,
  SLIPPERY WHEN WET,
  MERCURY RECORDS, 1986.
  
• shot through the heart, and you’re to blame—BON JOVI,
  BON JOVI,
  MERCURY RECORDS, 1984.
  
• harvest moon—NEIL YOUNG,
  HARVEST MOON,
  REPRISE RECORDS, 1992.
  
• 16 candles make a lovely light—THE CRESTS,
  SIXTEEN CANDLES,
  COED RECORDS, 1958.
  
• every breath you take—THE POLICE,
  SYNCHRONICITY,
  A&M RECORDS, 1983.
  
• what becomes of the broken hearted?—JIMMY RUFFIN,
  JIMMY RUFFIN SINGS TOP TEN,
  SOUL RECORDS, 1966.
  
• 1, 2, 3, 4, tell me that you love me more—FEIST,
  THE REMINDER,
  CHERRYTREE RECORDS, 2007.
  
• every time I see you falling, I get down on my knees and pray—NEW ORDER,
  BROTHERHOOD,
  FACTORY RECORDS, 1986.
  
• hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend—AVRIL LAVIGNE,
  THE BEST DAMN THING,
  RCA RECORDS, 2007.
  
• losing my religion—R.E.M.,
  OUT OF TIME,
  WARNER BROS. RECORDS, 1991.
  
• permanently black and blue, permanently blue, for you—CHAIRLIFT,
  DOES YOU INSPIRE YOU,
  KANINE RECORDS, 2008.
  
• you oughta know—ALANIS MORISSETTE,
  JAGGED LITTLE PILL,
  MAVERICK RECORDS, 1995.
  
• cry me a river—JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE,
  CRY ME A RIVER,
  JIVE RECORDS, 2002.
  
• don’t dream it’s over—CROWDED HOUSE,
  CROWDED HOUSE,
  CAPITOL RECORDS, 1986.
  
• in the arms of an angel—SARAH MCLACHLAN,
  SURFACING,
  ARISTA RECORDS, 1998.
  
• california dreamin’—THE MAMAS & THE PAPAS,
  IF YOU CAN BELIEVE YOUR EYES AND EARS,
  DUNHILL RECORDS, 1965.
  
• enjoy the silence—DEPECHE MODE,
  VIOLATOR,
  MUTE RECORDS, 1990.
  
• just like a prayer—MADONNA,
  LIKE A PRAYER,
  SIRE RECORDS, 1989.
  
• you must be my lucky star—MADONNA,
  MADONNA,
  SIRE RECORDS, 1983.
  
• to die by your side, is such a heavenly way to die— THE SMITHS,
  THE QUEEN IS DEAD,
  WEA RECORDS, 1992.
  
• the climb—MILEY CYRUS,
  HANNAH MONTANA: THE MOVIE,
  WALT DISNEY RECORDS, 2009.
  
• who will save your soul if you won’t save your own?— JEWEL,
  PIECES OF YOU,
  ATLANTIC RECORDS, 1996.
  
• always something there to remind me—NAKED EYES,
  BURNING BRIDGES,
  EMI, 1983.
  
• listen to your heart, before you tell him good-bye— ROXETTE,
  LOOK SHARP,
  EMI, 1989.
  
• since u been gone—KELLY CLARKSON,
  BREAKAWAY,
  RCA RECORDS, 2004.
  
• hit me with your best shot—PAT BENATAR,
  CRIMES OF PASSION,
  CHRYSALIS RECORDS, 1980.
  
• what a girl wants—CHRISTINA AGUILERA,
  CHRISTINA AGUILERA,
  RCA RECORDS, 1999.
  
• let us die young, let us live forever—ALPHAVILLE,
  FOREVER YOUNG,
  WEA, 1984.
  
• wake me up inside—EVANESCENCE,
  FALLEN,
  WIND-UP RECORDS, 2003.
  
• we belong to the light, we belong to the thunder— PAT BENATAR,
  TROPICO,
  CHRYSALIS RECORDS, 1984.
  
• somewhere over the rainbow—JUDY GARLAND,
  THE WIZARD OF OZ,
  MGM, 1939.
  
• how to save a life—THE FRAY,
  HOW TO SAVE A LIFE,
  EPIC RECORDS, 2005.
  
• all you need is love—THE BEATLES,
  MAGICAL MYSTERY TOUR,
  CAPITOL RECORDS, 1967.
  
• may you always have love—FROM THE POEM “TO MY MOUSE” BY FRANCIS R. MILLER (a.k.a. PAPA, MY GRANDFATHER), 1998.
  

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

I
n no particular order, many thanks go out . . .

To Lauri Hornik, for her brilliance, patience, kindness, and utter belief in this story (and in me) from day one; to Natalie Sousa and Linda McCarthy for their gorgeous jacket design; and to everyone at Penguin Young Readers for their enthusiasm and support.

To Hannah Brown Gordon and Stéphanie Abou of Foundry Literary + Media, for their dedication and hard work.

To the students and faculty of the Vermont College of Fine Arts—and especially Cynthia Leitich Smith, Rita Williams-Garcia, Lindsey Stoddard, and the League of Extraordinary Cheese Sandwiches, for their friendship and life-changing encouragement. (If you don’t believe in magic, you haven’t been to Montpelier, VT.)

To all of the Razorbills past and present—and in particular to Lexa Hillyer, Laura Schechter, and Pamela McElroy, for their unwavering loyalty, love, and inspiration; to Hamloaf, who was more golden retriever than goldfish (and to Anne Heltzel, for letting me use his name); and to Ben Schrank, for giving me every opportunity, occasionally challenging my sanity, and reminding me to walk when it was raining.

To all of my brilliant and amazing friends who make me so proud to know them; to Janna Wielgorecki, Jesse Lutz, and Heather Mithoefer, for being the sisters I never had; and to Hannah Spencer and Joyce Tang (a.k.a. The-Best-Roommates-Ever-Even-Though-We-Don’t-Live-Together-Anymore).

To Jane von Mehren for hiring me, and to Stephen Morrison for not firing me; to Jordan Goldman and Colleen Buyers for that first ever editorial internship that led me to Penguin, and to Josh Poole for making me weep with laughter all summer long.

To my family, for their constant love and support—and especially to my parents, Patricia, Ben, John, and Kim, for not taking away the flashlight they knew I was hiding underneath my pillow and for buying me every single Sweet Valley and/or Archie comic book on earth (even though my teachers told them not to).

To Stephen Barbara, an agent so extraordinary he gave me no choice but to marry him; to Papa, for his beautiful words and wisdom; and to Mom, my biggest fan, most dependable reader, and best friend. I couldn’t have done this without you.

Finally, to all the boys—from preschool and beyond—who ever broke my heart: Thanks for everything. Revenge may be sweet, but book deals are definitely sweeter.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR

J
ess Rothenberg grew up in Charleston, South Carolina, graduated from Vassar College, and spent most of her twenties editing books for teens and middle grade readers. She lives in Brooklyn, where she writes full-time, dances interpretively, and dreams of one day owning a sheepdog named Leo.
The Catastrophic History of You and Me
is her first novel.