The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism (14 page)
Read The Charisma Myth: How Anyone Can Master the Art and Science of Personal Magnetism Online
Authors: Olivia Fox Cabane
Sounds great, doesn’t it? Unfortunately, self-compassion isn’t taught in school. In fact, in today’s culture it sounds indulgent and unjustified, and can feel very alien. Many of us don’t have a very clear idea of what it is to begin with.
So first, let’s get a solid definition. Kristin Neff, one of compassion’s foremost researchers, defines self-compassion as a three-step process: First, realizing that we’re experiencing difficulties. Second, responding with kindness and understanding toward ourselves when we are suffering or feel inadequate, rather than being harshly self-critical. Third, realizing that whatever we’re going through is commonly experienced by all human beings, and remembering that everyone goes through difficult times.
When things go wrong in our lives, it’s easy to feel that other people are having an easier time. Recognizing instead that everyone at some point has had or will have the very experience you’re having now can help you feel like part of the larger human experience rather than feeling isolated and alienated.
When our inner critic starts pointing out our misdeeds and imperfections, it will often make us feel that everyone else is doing better, that we’re the only ones who are this flawed. Self-criticism is
much stronger when our suffering seems due to our own perceived failures and inadequacies than when it seems due to external circumstances. This is when self-compassion is the most precious.
How does one go about cultivating self-compassion? The good news is that intention is the most crucial component of treating yourself kindly. Christopher Germer, author of
The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion,
is adamant that “self-compassion is not a gift you’re either born with or not. It’s a skill, a trainable mental skill that each and every one of us, without exception, can develop and strengthen.” Germer suggests starting where you are right now: discovering the ways in which you already care for yourself, and then reminding yourself to do these things when negativity hits.
Putting It into Practice: Self-Compassion
You can do this simple exercise in minutes. Just list five ways that you already care for yourself when you’re having a hard time.
Star the ones you’ve found particularly effective, and that’s it. You’ve started your self-compassion list.
You’re now ready for the more intense self-compassion practices.
The highly charismatic Dalai Lama is known for being such a radiant presence of warmth and caring that even the most cold-hearted characters melt in his presence. He ascribes much of his effect on people to Buddhist compassion practices, one of which you’re about to learn, called
Metta
.
Metta is a millennia-old Buddhist compassion and self-compassion
practice that roughly translates as “loving kindness.” Simply put, Metta is the conscious practice of developing kind intentions toward all beings. When the brains of dedicated Metta practitioners were examined and tested by neuroscientists, significant differences came to light. Not only did they emit deeper brain waves, they also bounced back from stress scenarios much faster, and they showed particular enhancement in the left frontal lobe of their cortexes, the “happy region” of the brain.
10
Metta is the single most powerful tool you can use to counter your inner critic’s attacks, and, with its many benefits, it is wonderful for boosting charisma. This is, however, a highly uncomfortable practice for many of us. Frankly, when I started this practice, it was more than uncomfortable—it was downright awkward. Even if it feels this way for you, too, do it anyway.
Putting It into Practice: Metta
The visualization below will guide you through a custom-tailored form of Metta, step by step. It has been crafted to take advantage of two instinctive human tendencies: our absorption of images and our respect for authority. If you’d prefer to hear me guide you through this exercise, you’ll find a recording online at
http://CharismaMyth.com/metta
. Throughout this exercise, you may notice a certain rhythm created by the repetitions. That is indeed their purpose; just be willing to give it a try.
♦ Sit comfortably, close your eyes, and take two or three deep breaths. As you inhale, imagine drawing in masses of clean air toward the top of your head; then let it whoosh through you from head to toe as you exhale, washing all concerns away.
♦ Think of any occasion in your life when you performed a good deed, however great or small. Just one good action—one moment of truth, generosity, or courage. Focus on that memory for a moment.
♦ Now think of one being, whether present or past, mythical or actual—Jesus, Buddha, Mother Teresa, the Dalai
Lama—who could have great affection for you. This could be a person, a pet, or even a stuffed animal.
♦ Picture this being in your mind. Imagine their warmth, their kindness and compassion. See it in their eyes and face. Feel their warmth radiating toward you, enveloping you.
♦ See yourself through their eyes with warmth, kindness, and compassion. Feel them giving you complete forgiveness for everything your inner critic says is wrong. You are completely and absolutely forgiven. You have a clean slate.
♦ Feel them giving you wholehearted acceptance. You are accepted as you are, right now, at this stage of growth, imperfections and all.
You are perfect. At this stage of development, you are perfect.
At this stage of growth, you are perfect.
At this stage of perfection, you are perfect.
With everything that’s in your head and heart, you are perfect.
♦ With all your imperfections, you are perfect.
♦ For this phase of growth, you are perfect.
♦ You are fully approved just the way you are, at this stage of development, right now.
After going through the Metta exercise, my clients often report a physical sense of relief, their shoulders sagging during the forgiveness visualization, and then warmth rising during the self-approval process. Many people feel warmth in their solar plexus region. Some describe a kind of “exquisite ache,” or feeling “very tender.” No matter what you experience, if you are feeling anything, it means it’s working.
Even when the experience itself doesn’t “feel” like it’s working, Metta is worth doing because of the spillover effect it produces. Often, though the exercise itself feels awkward, you will notice
throughout the rest of the day that you are more present, connecting better with others and better able to absorb and enjoy the good moments in your life. As Germer puts it: “A moment of self-compassion can change your entire day. A string of such moments can change the course of your life.”
You can use Metta visualization anytime you experience an attack of the internal critic. As Germer suggests, you can think of self-compassion as standing up to self-harm, the same way you’d stand up to something threatening a loved one.
Researchers who started experimenting with these kinds of visualizations with highly self-critical people reported “significant reductions in depression, anxiety, self-criticism, shame, and inferiority” while noting a “significant increase in feelings of warmth and reassurance for the self.”
11
If the Metta visualization didn’t work for you, try putting up, throughout your home or office, photographs of people for whom you feel affection. These pictures could be of friends or family members, or even public figures who you feel
could
have affection for you, such as the Dalai Lama, Nelson Mandela, or whichever figures resonate with your personal beliefs or bring warmth to your heart (pets and stuffed animals included).
To nurture my internal warmth I set up a “Metta circle” of photographs in the area where I practice every morning. I also carry a small book of favorite wisdoms with me when I want to ensure that I’ll be in the right charismatic mental state. The heart-softening and rising warmth I feel every time I glance through it is invaluable. It boosts my charisma within minutes, moving me from a state of worry or irritation to one of calm, confidence, and warmth.
One of my clients put together what she calls a “lovable book.” Anytime anyone says something kind, complimentary, or affectionate to her, she jots it down in this book. She’s even gone through her past journals and gleaned pearls of warmth. Every time she reads it, she says, it makes her feel warm, secure, and cherished. She feels that she has a “cheerleading squad” in the back of her mind, supporting her throughout the day.
Using Your Body to Affect Your Mind
So far, we’ve focused mainly on the ways that our mind affects our body—the many ways in which our mental and emotional states affect our posture, body language, and facial expressions. But did you know the process also works in reverse? Emotions and body language are so linked that adopting a certain posture or facial expression will, in fact, create the corresponding feelings in your mind. Just as with visualization, where the right image will create corresponding emotions and body language, you can reverse-engineer many emotions by adopting the corresponding body language.
Harvard and Columbia psychology researchers found that subjects who assumed a strong, confident physical posture and then spoke with a strong voice and imposing hand gestures actually produced a biochemical reaction that made them feel and seem more confident and powerful. In contrast, those who adopted a hesitant, submissive demeanor experienced the exact opposite biochemical reaction.
12
Displaying confident body language will actually make you
feel
more confident; these feelings will in turn affect your body language, which will adapt accordingly, displaying yet more confident signals. This will give you yet another feeling boost, and the cycle will build upon itself. All you have to do is get it going.
Putting It into Practice:
Using Your Body to Change Your Mind
Try out the following postures to see for yourself just how powerfully the arrangement of your body can affect your mind and your feelings.
♦ First, adopt the body language of someone who’s utterly depressed. Let your shoulders slump, your head hang, your face sag. Now,
without moving a muscle,
try to feel really,
truly excited. Go ahead, try to see if you can create any excitement without moving. It’s nearly impossible.
♦ Now do the opposite. Physically spring into excitement. Jump up and down as if you’ve won the lottery, smile the biggest smile you can, wave your arms in the air, and while doing all this, try to feel depressed. Again, it’s nearly impossible.
Here are a few more physiological changes to play with:
♦ For confidence, assertiveness, and to be able to emanate gravitas, imagine playing the role of a military general—take a wide stance, puff up your chest, broaden your shoulders, stand straight, and confidently put your arms behind your back. Feel the effect of this posture internally.
♦ For a boost in both energy and warmth, stand up, stretch your hands as high up as possible, inhale as much as you can—imagine your rib cage expanding, doubling in size—make the biggest smile you can and look upward, hold for a second, and then relax everything.
You can use these quick tools in pretty much any situation—anytime you’d like an internal-state change, whether just before an important business meeting or a social gathering.
When I explained this technique to one of my close friends, she exclaimed: “I know exactly what you mean! In Madrid, I had an experience that has influenced me ever since. I call it my Miss Piggy Moment.” When
The Muppet Show
’s Miss Piggy is about to go on stage in front of an audience, she pauses for a second, looks in the mirror, preens, and then announces, “I feel beeyootiful!” And then, shoulders back, head held high, she swoops out to make her grand entrance. This is how my friend told me her own story:
I was walking up the Gran Via in Madrid, feeling tired, hungry, lonely, unfashionably dressed, and the epitome of an ugly
American. The attitude was definitely not working for me, so what to do? I decided that I was a movie star incognito. I stood up straighter, shoulders back, head erect, with the posture that I imagine I would have if I were royalty. Suddenly the dress that had seemed so out of place a moment ago felt like an amazing fashion statement, something that everyone else should copy. I noticed as I walked down the street that heads were turning, all of them. When I asked a man for directions, he said he would be honored if I would allow him to show me the way. It was amazing. From one second to the next, I went from a dowdy, frumpy, ugly stranger to a head-turning movie star. It was memorable. And enlightening.
When I tell them they can be perceived as powerful simply by projecting a more confident body language, my clients are sometimes concerned that confidence is something you’re either born with or acquire during early childhood experiences. They believe that just changing their body language would be faking it.
In fact, you really can gain actual self-confidence as well as the instant perception of greater self-confidence just by changing your body language. Yes, it might feel unfamiliar or awkward at first, a bit like riding a bike without training wheels. But if you use the techniques, it
will
work. And if you keep at it, you will get comfortable with it. Eventually, it will become second nature.