The Child Whisperer (33 page)

You may be wondering what to do about children who see themselves this way. How do you parent a child who wants to be completely in charge of their life?

First of all, it does not mean you hand over the reins to their lives and say, “You’re in charge of yourself. Best of luck—see you when you’re 30.” It means that you learn to parent your Type 4 child in a manner that honors their natural expression.

Second, Type 4 children want their parents to be a
partner
of authority in their life. Your child will not be able to do all of the grown-up things they believe they should be able to do (although they are capable of more than you think). They want you to be there, both to set a boundary when needed, and to validate their other age-appropriate decisions that you allow them to make on their own. Type 4 children express a naturally structured movement, and as a parent, you should provide some of the structure they need in order to thrive. Your solid, parental presence will help your Type 4 child establish a sense of security in this world, which will support them in growing up true to their nature. When your Type 4 child feels honored and respected, they will very deeply honor and respect you in return as their parent and a close lifelong bond will begin to form. 

Child Whisperer Tip:
While Type 4 children never give away their personal authority, they do share their authority with people they trust and take seriously. They will take you more seriously as their parent if they respect you. You will naturally be seen as worthy of more respect in your child’s eyes when you live true to your own unique nature. Do you know which of the 4 Types
you
express?

The serious, precise nature of a Type 4 child might be judged as a weakness by certain people, sometimes even you. These children might receive labels like: overly serious, too literal, loner, picky, or know-it-all. Type 4 children are indeed serious, literal, and discerning, but these qualities are strengths, not weaknesses! It is your job as a parent to help them recognize those strengths in themselves. When your child sees their natural qualities as tendencies to be honored rather than flaws to be fixed, they will naturally feel more confident and manage their tendencies with great success. Because these children value perfection, this comment is a good place to start: “You are perfect, and I love you just the way you are.”  

Thought and Feeling Processes: Black and White,

All or Nothing

A Type 4 child’s thought process expresses a linear, black and white movement. These children are deep thinkers and naturally look at the world around them with the intent to see how everything fits together. They try to see and understand the process that was used to create things. They can often see the whole picture from start to finish.

. . . .

JAKE’S STORY

Frosting on the Cake

Eight-year-old Jake stared for a long time at the piece of cake in front of him. Finally, he felt the scallop of frosting on the edge of the cake and said, “I know how they did this.” He then explained to his mother the concept of the frosting tip and the process probably used to decorate the cake. He wasn’t especially familiar with cake decorating techniques, but Jake could deduce the process just from looking at the shape of the scallop.

. . . .

A Type 4 child’s primary connection to this world is intellectual. These children are always thinking. They go deep with their thoughts, and think through an idea thoroughly before committing to take action. They may wait until after their thoughts become entirely clear to share their opinion with others. This can make them sound argumentative at times because their thoughts seem inflexible to others. To a Type 4, they are simply committed to an idea they’ve already spent time looking at from every angle.

Type 4s of all ages may be labeled as stiff or robotic. This is an unfair and inaccurate judgment, as Type 4 children can pull back and see the big picture in a way no robot ever could. While these children may choose to take their time thinking an idea through, their thoroughness is quick. They can take in a situation in its entirety and see the imbalances immediately and easily.

Since these children relate best on an intellectual level, others may sometimes believe that they relate only with their heads and not their hearts. Don’t make that mistake. These children feel their emotions deeply. They are just very selective about who they allow to see their emotional side.

Their walls are not something you need to break down; in fact, you shouldn’t try because your child will just build their walls higher and stronger. Your Type 4 child needs to invite you in, which will only happen through respect and honor for who they are. Recognize that your child has a loyal heart and be okay that you do not have to be invited into it all the time. Allow them their space, respect their emotional boundaries, and you may find that you become more emotionally connected to them than you ever have been before.

. . . .

KIMBERLY’S STORY

Type 4 Boundaries

When Kimberly was a toddler, her grandmother came over to her house and wanted to hold her immediately. Kimberly continually reached for her mother until her grandmother handed her back. Kimberly’s grandma tried to take her back a few times, but Kimberly refused to sit with her.

Then, a few minutes later, Kimberly decided she wanted to sit with her grandma. She crawled over to her all by herself and sat with her, as happy and content with her grandmother as she had been with her mother.

A Type 4 child needs to be the one to cross their emotional and physical boundaries first. They will engage with others as long as the decision to engage is theirs.

. . . .

Child Whisperer Tip:
Relate to your child mentally before you relate emotionally. Don’t try to connect emotionally first. Go through their intellect to get to their feelings. Do not start an emotional conversation. Instead, be direct about issues on a mental level, respect them, and they may choose to let their emotions open up. For example, if you and your Type 4 child are experiencing conflict about their chores, talk about the logistics and the efficiency of the tasks your child has been asked to do before trying to discuss how they feel about them.

We assume that all children are easily in touch with their feelings. But because Type 4s feel so deeply and first relate to the world intellectually, they may not be in touch with their feelings as readily as other Types, and may need support in connecting with them. I believe Type 4s need to be taught at an early age what feelings are and be supported in how to feel their feelings and how to express them.

. . . .

SETH’S STORY

Learning to Feel Sad

Whenever we visited our Type 4 grandson, who lives in a different state, I noticed that he started to act up and misbehave when it came time for us to go home. His acting up was unusual for him. I realized that he felt sad that Grandma and Grandpa were about to leave and he would miss them. I took him aside privately and told him that it was natural that he would feel sad that we were leaving and that he would miss us. So I pointed out the emotion and then told him that it made sense for him to feel that way.

I shared my observation with his mother and suggested that she pay attention to this for the next couple of days. She could privately talk with him about his deeper feelings and help him express them appropriately.

. . . .

As Type 4 children are supported at a younger age in learning how to connect with their feelings, they will naturally be able to connect with them as they grow. If your Type 4 child is older now and they don’t readily share their feelings, there is still hope. If they are feeling sad, embarrassed or insecure, they will most likely lead by presenting an emotion of anger.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Rather than discipline your child’s anger, consider it a red flag for you to help them make an emotional connection. Set the intention to help them connect with their deeper feelings of sadness or any other deeply held emotion. Some supportive phrases are: “I can see you are angry. What are you upset about?” “You are really mad. What is troubling you?”

Having parented a Type 4 son, I started to employ this approach when he was in his mid-teens. As he gained respect for me and trusted that I really cared about him and his best interests, he started to open up to me. He is now a young adult and readily shares his deepest feelings with me and allows me in to the most sensitive part of his nature. As you have the intention to deeply connect with your Type 4 child, many opportunities will present themselves. Use your new found Child Whisperer skills with them, and it will change your relationship for life.

Like their thoughts, the feelings of a Type 4 child also reflect a black and white process. They feel their emotions in extremes—either very happy or very sad, without middle ground. These children either like things or they hate them and they’re very expressive about both.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Because Type 4 children express themselves boldly, parents may try to soften their child’s reactions to certain day-to-day situations, especially with certain emotions that are judged as negative. Just allow your child to feel as strongly as they do. At some point, you may be inspired to point out logically the effect that your child’s emotional expression has on others. You should only share this with your child with the intent to help them be more aware of their world, not to shame them into hiding their feelings for the sake of others. It is also wise to have emotional conversations privately with your Type 4 child. Emotions are a very private matter to a Type 4, and they will respect you more if you discuss them privately.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Your Type 4 child may apply their tendency to view things as all good or all bad to themselves. They want to do things perfectly and when they can’t, they may feel more frustrated than you might think they should. They are not just frustrated with the issue at hand—they are also seeing themselves as flawed. If your child has a particularly bold emotional outburst or seems especially withdrawn (always in black and whites), do not focus on the obvious issue. Focus on the fact that they feel weak or flawed. Reassure them that they are learning perfectly what they need in order to become the person that they want to be.

One of the most important things to know about a Type 4 child’s emotions is that they cannot fake them. While some of the other Types more readily adapt to expectations placed on them, these children do not. Their structured nature makes it nearly impossible for them to put on a face and pretend they feel a certain way when they don’t. This might make you nervous on birthdays when you want your child to respond enthusiastically to every gift they receive. Let those expectations go and recognize this as a gift in your child. You will always know where you stand with your Type 4 child and you can trust that the emotions they express are authentic.