The Child Whisperer (36 page)

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SETH’S STORY

Who’s in Charge at School

When my grandson Seth attended pre-school, it was his nature to want to make sure the other children there would follow the rules. His mom knew his tendency for this, so in preparation for his first day of pre-school, she told Seth, “You are your own authority and you should obey the rules the teacher tells you to obey. The teacher is in charge of making sure the other children obey the rules. She is their authority. Your job is to play with the other children and have fun with them.” This helped create the guidelines Seth needed to relax and have fun and let the teacher manage the behavior of the other children.

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Parents may misunderstand their child’s smaller group of friends and more selective social interactions. Many Type 4 children are told they need to smile more, to be more extroverted, silly, and playful. This usually just pushes a Type 4 child into social situations before they think they are ready and makes them feel unsure of themselves and their ability to engage others. These children can feel lost in the child world and wonder if there is something wrong with them. I find it interesting that Type 4s, with their reflective nature, mirror the opposite experience of Type 1 children, who grow up and often feel lost in the adult world because their animated, playful nature is judged as immature. Every child just expresses movement. We are the ones who attach the labels and the negative judgments.

Above all, remember that all Type 4 children will step into social situations that
they
choose, but they do not want someone else to put them there. Pushing your Type 4 child into social settings they do not want to join actually accomplishes the opposite of what you want. They will retreat into the comfort of their own solitude, rather than become more outgoing. If your Type 4 child wants to reach out socially but doesn’t know how, you can help them find and join activities they enjoy that will naturally lead to more comfortable social interaction.

Timeliness:
Love consistency and routine

Even from their earliest days, Type 4 children love routine. It’s in their nature to duplicate and perfect things, so the more consistent schedule you allow them to keep, the more inner balance they will experience. For example, from the first few weeks of my grandson Seth’s life, his need for structure and predictability started to present itself. So for the first year of his life, his mom and dad made it a predictable routine to give Seth a bath right before he was put to bed. This routine honored his nature, which made going to bed a much easier process. The few times they were not able to follow this routine, bedtime was more stressful.

As Type 4 children grow older, they do best if they are allowed some degree of input on what their schedule looks like. Since they experience a high degree of mental organization, they will remember their own schedule and keep themselves on track. This makes many aspects of parenting much easier for you. For example, if homework is just a scheduled part of your Type 4 child’s day, they will often sit down and do it without reminders from you. If they commit to completing a certain chore at a scheduled time each week, you can bet it will get done.

Of all the Types, Type 4 children are usually earliest to grasp the concept of time and to value timeliness. They demand punctuality of themselves and may stress over being late to events that are important to them. However, they may not deem other family members’ appointments quite as important as their own and may dawdle a little bit when they are required to support others’ schedules.

If a Type 4 child understands time and does not prioritize punctuality for a certain activity, they usually have two reasons: Either they were focused on something else and could not be distracted until they finished, or they judged that particular activity as not as important as others that they value. For example, many Type 4 children get up on their own and get ready for school on time every day, even in elementary school. But a Type 4 child who does not view school as a worthwhile experience or their teacher as a valued authority in their life will give priority of their time to sleep or other activities. They may drag their feet getting ready, not because they can’t get ready on time, but because they decide not to.

Jobs and Household Chores:
Thorough and reliable

A Type 4 child’s high degree of mental organization and their tendency toward routine can work in their favor when assigned household chores. When they commit to a task, they complete it thoroughly. They may prefer being assigned the same job at the same time each week rather than something different all the time. When they know their ongoing responsibility, they often complete it without being asked again.

As in all things, they resent being told what to do without the opportunity to add their input. If you assign your child a job without discussing it with them first, don’t expect them to jump right in and do it perfectly. In these situations, Type 4 children are more likely to let everyone in the family know what a
stupid
chore they’ve been assigned to do. Ask them which chores they would like to be assigned, rather than telling them. Be sure to discuss structure, clear instructions, and a clear time frame when tasks need to be finished. Then trust that it will be completed. If you remind your Type 4 child, they may get irritated with you, as their nature is to easily remember these things and they interpret your reminder as an insult to their nature.

I learned this when I reminded my Type 4 son to do his chores. He would look at me and say, “I know, Mom. I am not stupid!” After the Child Whisperer light bulb went on and I realized that he did not need my reminders, I had a conversation with him to straighten it all out. I explained to him that my reminders were my way of supporting him. Yet, he was not feeling supported, so I said something like this from then on: “Mark, I trust you will get your chores done. Is there anything I can do to support you?” I also suggested to him that he not be so blunt, that he came across rude and disrespectful. We decided to reenact the entire conversation, each practicing our new approach that created mutual understanding and harmony.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Give your Type 4 child advance notice of chores with a list they help create. Do not add any additional chores to their list after you have both agreed on their assignment. If your Type 4 child knows beforehand what is expected of them, they can mentally organize those tasks into their day. Throwing something in there at the last minute is frustrating to a Type 4 child, especially since they have already decided on the perfect way to get everything done most efficiently.

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JAKE’S STORY

Why Do Chores?

Type 4 Jake often voiced his opinion that chores were stupid. They seemed inefficient to him and so he asked why they had to do chores if everything was just going to get messy again anyway. Jake’s Type 4 dad answered the question clearly and concisely with his own question: Why do you wipe your bum every day? That one question wrapped up the conversation pretty quickly.

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Child Whisperer Tip:
Once you and your child have agreed upon expectations for their chores, trust your child to follow through. Let them take charge of their responsibilities. Otherwise, your child may feel micromanaged. Type 4s who feel micromanaged turn around and micromanage others, particularly their siblings.

Type 4s may prefer organizational tasks like putting away silverware and dishes and organizing. Many of them also like doing things that require an air of authority. One mother I know gave her Type 4 child the job of calming down the baby when she was busy, which seemed like a very important job. However you choose to manage your child’s household responsibilities, always communicate openly and allow your child to communicate in return.

Money Management:
Thoughtful about spending

When taught how to manage money, these children can be given the authority to oversee their financial experience at a very young age. They are smart and very thought-out with how they spend their money and prefer to spend more on what they really want, rather than compromise. Not surprisingly, they are also keenly aware of how much they have.

Whatever they choose to spend their money on, they are specific about it and may buy it regularly. One Type 4 10-year-old often chooses to buy Gatorade with his money. Another Type 4 five-year-old saves up quarters for gumballs on a regular basis. They know what they want and use the system of money to repeat the experience often.

Recreational Activities:
One track at a time

Type 4 children tend to enjoy activities that allow them to focus on a single mental track at a time. In your child’s experience, this might look like hours spent with Legos, or repetitive activities like sledding or going down a slide over and over again. They enjoy activities—both indoor and outdoor—that they can become absorbed in. Whatever they are doing becomes the big picture that they see in that moment. For example, rather than just a sandcastle, your Type 4 child might build an entire sand city with an intricate system of roads they’ve envisioned in their mind. These children have laser-like mental focus, so if they’re immersed in an activity, don’t be surprised or hurt if they completely tune you out.

Child Whisperer Tip:
Fifteen minutes before you need your Type 4 child to stop a certain activity, give them a warning and a brief reason why they’ll need to stop. Otherwise, the interruption can feel jarring and unfair to them and you will end up with a tantrum or a power struggle on your hands. If they negotiate for more minutes than you give them in your warning, agree to it sometimes. They will be more likely to stop what they are doing if they feel they have a say in when the activity ends. If there really is a pressing reason why they need to stop at a certain time, explain this logically to your child.

These children express the lowest level of movement of all the four Types. This does not mean they do not like to move and run and jump around. It simply means they maintain an inner stillness that needs to be respected in the activities they pursue. They love to play with friends like any Type, but also need time to play by themselves and have some quiet, reflective time. My grandson Seth does well in group play, but then needs quiet time alone, reading books or playing.

They do well with recreational activities that call for repetitive practice and precision. In activities that require performance in front of others, like competitive sports or dance, they need time to feel well prepared and grounded in demonstrating their abilities. As a parent, you do not have to wonder if a certain sport, hobby, or activity caters to your Type 4 child’s natural gifts. They will probably let you know.